++ The interactive story ++
 

Welcome to our interactive story, please read it and then add on your chapter...

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Endemol have decided do do a followup Big Brother 2 for charity, and have managed to persuade all eleven housemates to take part. As they failed to renew the planning permission for Bow they decided to use a large existing house Channel four have been refurbishing in North London. It took quite a lot of work, especially to add in the cxamera runs, but the Big Brother Team were very pleased with the end results. The house bigger, has two storeys, a gym and a swimming pool.

Helen walks into the room carrying her case. 'Ooh, it's good to be back here' she says - I loved this place. Paul follows her in 'Hey babe, we're back!'.

Amma comes out of the kitchen, 'Never thought, they'd get me back in here,' she says 'still it is for charity and it's a good excuse to lay off work for a few weeks.'

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Please feel free to add to our story!

'Evil'

A huge scream is heard from upstairs and Brian comes running down the stairs and throws his arms around Helen.

'Mrs Clarke!!! How the devil are you? Love the Gucci sunglasses'.

'Hi Bri', Helen says, 'Great to see you. Who else is here then?'

The strains of a guitar can be heard from a door on the right. Helen and Paul both look at each other.

'Dean'. They both say in unison, and Helen rushes through the door into the lounge.

'Dean babe, How's life since Delux got to number one then? Coping with the groupies are you?'









[Edited on 2-12-2001 by LEE]

"It's been a bit slower than I thought it would" Dean replied. "The groupies disappeared, thank goodness, it was starting to bug Vanessa"

Bubble came into the room with Stuart, attracted by the sound of the guitar.

"Well Dean Hows Venessa, " Stuart Asked

"She's fine" Dean said as he began picking a few chords on his guitar.

"I see you found the deck chair" Bubble quipped

"Oi cut that out you" Dean Joked.

Bubble turned to look at Helen and offered his hand to Paul "I hear Congratulations are in order"

"Yeah cool " Was all that Paul could say before Bubble turned to Helen. "So how long to go now"

"Oh 6 months" she said proudly rubing her abdomen.

"Stuart looked up at the cealing " I like how they did this place up Brian"

"Yes Stuart, when they had to knock down the original house they said they might do up an existing property instead of build a new one. I quite like it too, it has charm"

"How old is it" Dean asked

"By the look of it, and the plaque above the door as we came in it was built in 1869" Stuart answered

"I'm going to the kitchen to see Ama " Helen told Paul and left the room to go into the hall.

As she walked across the hallway, Helen thought she would fix her hair in one of the mirrors the BB crew had fitted.

Suddenly instead of her face in the mirror, the face of young girl stared out at her. Her clothes looked old. The figure was mouthing something, Helen could not make out.

Suddenly there was a hand on her shoulder. Helen Jumped round to see the face of Penny

"You ok H" she asked, "you look white as a sheet"

Helen turned round to look at the mirror, this time it was her own face. Suddenly her legs turned to jelly.

"Paul!" Penny yelled

Amma came out of the kitchen and helped Helen to sit down on the stairs.

"Do you need to see a doctor ?" Penny asked trying to be helpful

"It was horrible "was all that Helen could say.

Josh came out of the Kitchen to see what the comotion was about. Suddenly he felt very cold, his pychic sense was working overtime.

Paul comes rushing out of the lounge quickly followed by Dean, Bubble and Stuart,

‘What’s the matter, babe?’ he say’s in a worried voice. ‘You OK, you look really white.’

‘I’m fine’ Helen responds ‘It’s just I thought………… Oh it’s nothing, I think all those pickled onions are giving me hallucinations!’

‘Pickled Onions!!, What on earth are you talking about’ grins Bubble, ‘Sounds gross’.

‘Well,’ Paul says with a resigned grin on his face ‘You know you here about all these cravings that pregnant women get, well it’s true, big time. And it’s not cool!!’

‘H, how could you?’ Brian screams ‘Pickled Onions, yuk or as your husband would say, double yuk!’.

‘Yeah,’ Liz intervenes, ‘Just remember we have a strict food budget in here H, we won’t have enough to indulge your cravings.’

‘Anyway, I’m feeling fine now,’ said Helen, standing up and steadying herself on Paul’s arm. ‘Has anyone been outside in the garden yet?’

‘Let’s explore’ Brian says and heads off towards the back of the house, followed inquisitively by the other housemates.

'Half a sec' Bubble shouts, 'I've just realised, 'Where's the hell's Narinder?'

Brian turns around looking aghast. 'Oh my God' he screamed 'I hadn't even realised, she'll kill me!'

At this moment the main door opens and Naz saunters in.

'Where the hell have you been?' Brian shouts as he runs over to her and hugs her.

'Just wanted to make an entrance my dear' she replies with a wink. 'How are you all anyway? This house is a bit different isn't it?'

'Yeah' Brian says, we were about to have a look in the garden.

Bubble opens the huge french windows at the back of the house, ‘Blimey, you’ll never guess what’s out here…..’


[Edited on 4-12-2001 by LEE]

"OH MY GOD!!!!!" gasps Helen.
'Double cool!!" Paul joins in.
"Ding dong - we like that, we like that a lot" Bubble claimed, his long tonge dominating his expression of complete excitement.
Brian and Naz screech and squeal and scream and bounce up and down before dissolving into the 'Rolling' dance routine, expressing their complete and utter excitement to what they have just witnessed.
'I dont believe it!" says Elizabeth, a look of amazement washes over her usual expresionless face and she turns to Dean, who usually too isnt phased by anything but has his jaw wide open.
Then, with no further hesitation...the housemates dash out to the garden to meet the 10 famous faces staring back at them.
One of the faces is Matt le Blanc and he takes an instant liking to Helen and says to her, 'How you doin?' Helen blushes...
Paul quiclyl grabs Helens hand to make clear to Matt le Blanc that Helen has already got someone.
But Brian is astonished to see a certain famous face, "I cant believe you are here"
Brian waits for a response from his idol of all time.....

Jannet Jackson comes up to Brian "Thanks for pluggin my record" she told Brian. Then they went into a rendition of "Nasty Boy"

"What's going on ?" Elizebeth asked Posh Spice

"We are here to have our photos taken with you, then some can be signed and auctioned, the others are for a Big Brother and Celebrity Charity calendar" She responded.

"Would Paul Please come to the diary room" boomed the tannoy.

Paul reluctantly left Helen and went to through the kitchen to the diary room.

Inside he found a digital camera

"Big Brother would like you to take the charity photographs, since you did such a good job of the Calendar in the 2001 Big Brother"

"That's cool" Paul replied and returned to the garden.

For the rest of the afternoon they had fun taking photos.

The Duet between Penny and Cliff Richard was an experience not to be missed.

After a special meal laid on by Big Brother, the celebrities left and Paul left the camera in the Diary Room.

That evening as Tony one of the technicians downloaded the shots, he noticed something odd on one of the shots.

"Keith, what do you make of this ?" he said to his line manager as he pointed to the image of Narinda next to an embarrassed Matt Le Blanc. Just to the right of the couple was the face of a young girl, staring out of the image

Keith looked at the image. "Double exposure ?" he suggested

"From a Digital Camara ?"

"Ahh"

"Did you hear any of the stories from when they were redoing this place"

Keith got irritated at this question "Look I do not hold with that superstitious clap trap. I have no idea how Mr Clarke has botched that shot, but I do have the solution with what to do with it"

With that he deleted the image. "I want to hear no more about it"

"Yes Sir" Tony replied.

Meanwhile back in the house...

They are all talking about their new celebrity friends.

"I love meeting new people I do" says Helen. Everyone agreed.

While they are talking it was Keiths turn to have a rest in the production area. He wondered off leaving Tony alone. Tony had seen Keith delete the file from the hard drive earlier and put it into the recyclye bin, but reaised he had forgotton to delete it from there.

Tony put his hand on the mouse and grinned. He continued to restore the file and open it up, he had another good look at the picture, and then grabbed his notebook to look up the number for the local newspaper. Once he found it he threw down the notepad, mistakenly hitting the Tanoy button for the house.

He dials, and the phone is answered. Tony starts to talk.

"Hello, my name is Tony Brooks, I am one of the senior producers for Big Brother. I think I may have a story you may be interested in."

In the lounge the housemates all look at each other, Dean stands up.

"While in the house today some of our camera footage seems to show evidence that the Big Brother house may be haunted. I was wondering how much you would pay for these pictures"

"Oh My God!" Screamed Helen. She ran over to paul and cuddled into him tightly.

Dean looked over at Elizabeth and she stared back. An eerie silence filled the room.

Dean decides to go to the diary room.

As Tony (Big Brother) let him in, Dean questioned the phone call that they heard. A worried Tony, realising his comments had been heard, not only by the housemates but by the whole nation, replied by saying.........

... in his special Big Brother voice.

"The voice you just heard was a hacker. Who has just broken into our system. We have expelled them and changed our security programs. BigBrother regrets the fact they got through to the public address system before we could remove them from our system"

Dean was taken back, remembering the time in the original Big Brother House when two pizza delivery men broke into the Big Brother Compound. "Why did he try to put the frighteners on us then in that way"

Tony mopped his forehead. Luckily he had managed to cut the audio on the 60 second delay feed. So to his relief, the viewers hadn't heard it as he first thought. He could not keep the audio out of circuit for much longer, so he was trying to think fast.

Tony pressed the mute button to the Diary Room and spoke to the man on the phone, "something's just come up, I'll call back" and he hung up the receiver.

"Well " repeated Dean

"Big Brother has no knowledge of the Hacker's reason for what he has just said"

"So is this building Haunted" Dean asked impatiently, "Stuart did say this building was built in 1869"

"Big Brother has not heard any reports to suggest what the hacker said was true. Big Brother considers the welfare of the housemates of paramount importance, and would not be put at risk. Is there anything else Big Brother can help you with"

"Just get your act together on the security front, we have a pregnant women here and what we heard was outragous, even if it was a hacker" With that Dean Left the Diary room.

"So what is going on Dean" Elizabeth asked him as he emerged into the kitchen.

"Some hacker broke in to the tannoy" Dean told the housemates.

"That is so uncool" Paul replied "I don't like people messing with us like that"

"But I saw a face of this girl in the mirror" bleated Helen, still holding onto Paul.

"H, We've been through that. You just hallucinated" Elizabeth snapped back "Anyway, there are no such things as ghosts. They are effects caused by magnetic fields and subsonic vibrations"

Helen felt intimidated into silence, she was pregnant, so her hormones had to all over the place. No one would believe her.


Tony Had an idea

"Big Brother would like to set a discussion task. What lessons did you learn about how you managed after BigBrother ended"

The housemates kicked off the discussion and he released the audio feed.

"What happened down there" came a voice over his headset.

"They were saying stuff that could have been libelous, I set them a discussion task to get them to change the subject" he lied

"OK" came the reply

They had bought it, hook line sinker, rod arm, body Fishing chair

Tony felt a breeze on the back of his neck, and instinctively he turned to see where it came from. Keith had left the door open, so Tony got up and closed it. When he returned to his desk He went to look at the image again. This time the image of the girl was gone....


Meanwhile back in the house Stuart opened the discussion task on "What lessons did you learn about how you managed after BigBrother ended"

Stuart started by telling everyone about the numerous new sorts of sit-ups he’d been taught. However, he’d yet to master one suitable for use on a sun-bed.

Josh explained he’d learnt that curtain material was not always suitable for dancing trousers, no matter what his Nan had told him.

‘I know who the first man on the moon was’ chipped in Brian enthusiastically. Taking a deep breath he continued

“Neil Alden Armstrong was born on August 5,1930 in Wapakoneta, Ohio. He holds a degree in aeronautical engineering from Purdue University and a masters degree in aerospace engineering from the University of Southern California. From 1949 to 1952, Armstrong was a naval aviator. Upon leaving military service, he became a test pilot. While serving as a test pilot, he was chosen to be a member of the astronaut corps. Though he was on the backup crew of many previous flights, his first space flight occurred in 1966 aboard Gemini 8. During this flight, he and fellow astronaut David Scott successfully performed the first docking in space between two vehicles. In July of 1969, Neil Armstrong was the commander of Apollo 11, America's first attempt to land a manned vehicle on the Moon. On July 20, 1969 Commander Armstrong and fellow astronaut Edwin Aldrin successfully touched down on the lunar surface. As Armstrong became the first person to touch the Moon's surface, he spoke the unforgettable phrase, "That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind". He and Aldrin explored the Moon's surface for 2.5 hours. Armstrong was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in recognition of his accomplishments and his contributions to the space program.”

Dean raised an eyebrow. Elizabeth’s jaw dropped along with her asparagus.

Feeling a little dizzy Brian sat down, guided by Penny. Getting back to his old self he added “Can you imagine? All those demons in space. Evil.”

Penny proudly beamed “I knew that book-club subscription wasn’t going to be wasted on you. I’ve learnt that all my girls are beautiful and lovely and that I need to have more confidence in my own views. I must remember that other peoples opinions are only that and not allow them to trample my creativity …”

“And I’ve learnt to be more sensitive to other people’s inadequacies, and to make allowances for them” interrupted Stuart. “Not everyone can have business skills or a stomach like mine!”

“According to some woman you can’t actually eat as much chocolate and chips as you want. Even if you dance to Bananarama!” Announced Helen. “Don’t think I believe her. She’s not sparkly. Paul, I can eat lots of chocolate and chips can’t I?”

“And double cool ice-cream, brioche, and coleslaw – not to mention double wicked fish pie. Sometimes it looks like you’re eating your knife, fork and plate. It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!” he replied.

“Enough about you two - you’re obsessed with each other - let’s talk about me now” Naz butted in.

“I’ve learned that the best way to become famous is to turn up to as many celebrity bashes as possible, wearing as little as possible, and hang around with my best pals - Brian of course, and Lady Victoria Hervey. Did you all see me at the Mobo awards, the Pantene awards ….”

“Who are you kidding Naz” chuckled Bubble - “my tongue’s more famous than you are.”

“Ok, enough you two” said Dean sternly, “let’s stop the bickering and get back to the discussion topic. “I have learned that Heat magazine isn’t beneath me after all, especially after all the lovely pics they took at my wedding. Oh, and I forgot to thank you, Brian for the Destiny’s Child CD collection you gave us for a wedding present - I love them.”

“I just knew you’d like them” beamed Brian. “Oh, this discussion topic is totally evil - I’m getting fed up of it now - what else can we do?”

“I’ve got a wicked idea, mate” said Paul - “why don’t we go and try out the swimming pool at the bottom of the garden - that would be totally pooltastic, wouldn’t it H?” “Oh god yeah, Paul - that sounds lush” squealed Helen as she rushed off to change into her cossie.

“Right then, the pool it is” said Brian. “Come on everyone, last one in has to clean out the chickens ………………”

They all rush inside as fast as they can except for Dean and Elizabeth.

"H better be careful with the baby you know" Says Elizabeth

"She obviously knows what shes doing" Dean replies.

In the girls and boys room they are all changing a fast as they can. Bubble is first to change, runs out the room and turns off the light as he leaves.

A screach is heard from the boys room followed by "DEMONS" Amma and Penny look at each other and laugh. Brian runs out the bedroom and downstiars. He continues to run outside and towards Bubble.

"You haven't changed have you? Still as evil as ever" Brian returned into the house.

Bubble then got into the pool, and started swimming around.

"Is it nice" shouts over Elizabeth

"Dude its lovely, why dont you get in your cozzie and come on in?" Replies Bubble.

Elizabeth just smiles, and turn away.

The girls now come down the stairs, Helen leading the way. "Well me and Paul are gonna get this huge house with a swimming pool, oh it's gonna be great!"

They continue over to the pool and get in. The boys come out and follow. The next hour is spent with everyone enjoying themselves, and a silence occured.

"Paul" said Helen.

"Wot babe?" replied Paul

"Does your name have any connectioon with a pool in another language" Said Helen in a serious voice.

"Well it's funny you should say that. Once me and my mates were going down town and we met these girls"

Helen gave him a stare

"Here he goes" says Brian. "Can't just have one girl on the go can he?"

Helen takes her eyes off Paul and looks around.

"Um guys where's bubble.... OMG WHERE IS BUBBLE" Helen looks worried.

Suddenly a huge spalsh comes up from behind her and Bubble pops up and shouts..............

'Helen, how long did you say you had to go before the baby's born?'
gasped the little guy.

'Six months, Bubble!' said Helen.

'Are you sure it's still that long?' he spluttered.

'I should know! It's three months since me and Mr Clarke got married, so it's got to be six months, hasn't it Bubble?'

'I don't know about that Helen, but there's something very peculiar going on down there' said Bubble.

'Hang on a minute babe, I'll take a look!' said Paul before diving under the water.

'Why, whats going on you guys? I don't like this!' cried Helen, as Paul surfaced, spluttering and very excited.

'You will not believe what's going on down there! It's amazing! It's fantastic, it's my baby, I think it's like, being born, and it's like happening now!'

'Oh wow! A water birth, that's so cool!' said Elizabeth.

'Why, wha's going on? Will somebody tell me? Why does nobody take me SERIOUS Paul?' Helen looked beseechingly at her soulmate.

Paul held her hand and gently explained ''Babe, you are having our baby!'

H: 'Oh. I know Paul, in October, now stop showing off!'

P:No babe, our baby is coming NOW! Aren't you in any pain?

H:Well I've been getting a lot of wind, but I thought it was the pickled onions, and I thought I could blame Amma for the bubbles, and anyway I can't be!

Brian: Hang on, how premature can a baby be? If she's only three months, this is very serious!

Narinder: Oh, come on, she's enormous! I was just being polite when I saw her earlier, but look at her, she's either full term or the Hadley Wood loveshack is made of gingerbread and she's eaten the walls and all the furniture!

P: Listen Naz, H is beautiful, OK? Pregnant gels put on a little weight! I think she looks fantastic!

H: Do you Paul?

P: I certainly do babe!

H: Oh Paul!

P: Love you babe!

N: Well all I can say is that love certainly is .....

Brian: Stevie Wonder, Naz?

Penny: Now, come on everyone, we need a little order. ... Stuart, fetch the towels

Elizabeth: Dean, get your guitar, this child must have music, peace and love when it first experiences the trauma of leaving the womb!'

'Dean, Can you play the vengaboys are coming?' asked Helen

'No, that would be beneath me! I tell you what, I'll play 'Can he fix it' to the tune of Home and Away' said Dean

Brian: Dean!

H: No Dean, play Deluxe, we love deluxe! Oh, oh, Paul! Somethings happening, what's happening to me, I don't like it!
Call Big brother, call the ambulance!

E: To late for that H, push! Stuart, where's the towels?

Stuart: All I could find was these!'

E: Give them here (starts ripping)

Josh: No.....MY GUCCI TROUSERS!

P: You're doing fantastic! Just keep pushing....

E: Thank God I brought my scuba equipment from my trip to the Galapagous islands,,,,here goes...glub....

H: Oh Paul!

The action hots up....

Elizabeth surfaces 'Can someone switch off the bubbles please? Oh, there aren't any? Amma, get out of the pool. In fact everyone get out, this is not a side show!'

P; No Liz, this time I'm staying with my girl!

The others all sit around the pool whilst Paul lovingly strokes H's forehead and mentally plans his babies future... second generation international popstar, like whassisname Inglesias....brilliant! Handsome, like me...stunningly intelligent, like me.....

Big brother hurriedly installs pool cam and asks Helen to pant whilst they test it out.

Helen grips Pauls hand tightly : Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Paul!

P: No Helen, not now!

H: Oh Paul, I'm only pantin to slow it down a bit for the cameras. Can you brush my hair quick?

P: Your hair looks great and I don't think they'll notice babe!

Elizabeth emerges 'Not much longer H, be brave! It will take some doing, I think the baby has ENORMOUS shoulders...' she said before she ducked down again..

P: Er.... H?

Naz: Oh-oh, wars about to break out on the western front!

P: Enormous shoulders H?

H: Oh Paul, it can't be, I JUST KNOW IT'S YOURS..

P: We ain't bin married THAT long H!

Brian counts out on his fingers, Bubble looks down and scuffs his feet awkwardly on the pool side. Stuart does some stomach crunches, and Amma boils some water...

Brian: It's alright H! It's 19th April! So, it must have been when you were....

H:Pant, pant! In the den!

P: The den WAS brilliant!

Dean: It obviously was for you! You said you wouldn't !

Penny: You told Davina nothing happened under the covers!

P: Arrest me!

Elizabeth emerges, carrying a pink and squealing baby boy. 'Oh, it's so wonderful! A pure new life! Let's all just think a moment, meditate upon this wonderful miracle!'

P: H, you were wonderful, an absolute star!

H: Oh Paul is it alright?

P: He's gorgeous babe, he looks just like me!

Elizabeth: And I was wrong about the shoulders holding him back, but I'm afraid his ears...

H: Oh Paul they're just like yours!

P: Cool!

Later, the group cluster round the happy family scene.

Big brother is ecstatic about the ratings, and Dermot O'Leary, Davina, Matthew and Holly Willow call in to bring gifts for the new baby. Davina's midwife checks Helen over, pronounces all to be well and congratulates Elizabeth, who looks very smug, but no-one notices the difference.

Helen cradles the baby, Paul looks down lovingly, and the baby takes his first look at life.....

Stuart feels the need to spontaneously hug Penny, who looks a little down. 'Cheer up Penny! I'm sure someone will come along for you....'
Penny: You really are a nice chap aren't you Stuart? And you're fertile aren't you? Three children? Tell me all about them, let's go in the hut.............

Bubble: 'Amma, do you know we both have double beds again...we like that! Your divan or mine?

Naz to Brian: I have a feeling that theres something in the air tonight.. Jat will never approve, I'm leaving!

Josh: Isn't it time we ironed out our differences Brian?

Elizabeth, sidling up to Dean, pulls the guitar gently from his hand whispers in his ear:
Oh, Dean, do you think some things are just meant to be?

Dean: No, I bloody don't! Naz, wait for me!

Naz: Come on Dean, we don't belong here!

Dean: You know, if it wasn't April, it would feel like Christmas tonight...........

:noel::rudolph::noel::rudolph::noel:

R.O.B you are a bloody genius that was hysterical:elephant::elephant::hello::xmas::snowma n:

Gotta agree with Chilledbootz, that was brill! Sorry, not supposed to comment here!

Mark

Helen and Paul were left sitting on the sofa as everyone walked away.

P: This is completly cool you know

H: Yeah

P: Now we need to think of a name for it!

H: Oh I dunno Paul..

P: What do you mean?

H: I don't know what to call it!

P: Lets ask the others what they think

:: Paul calls back the others and they all wonder back over apart from Narinder who makes some tea ::

H: Guys - we were thinking - what shall we call our new born?

D: I dunno H, go for something original, like Archie

N: You can't call a baby Archie! Try something like Jatinder - thats a lovely name

:: The group look at Naz and smile ::

H: Oh I don't know! This is all getting too much! She grabs "baby" off Paul and walks outside with him

:: She go's and sits in the Den ::

H: Mummy's gonna think of a name for you little boy! I know the perfect name!

I am going to call you..................

GLITTER!!!!!!!!

.... well, at least that'll be my own special nickname for you. It'll be our little secret, so it will, little glitterbaby.

As for your real name, well ....... daddy and I will have to give that some more thought .........

PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING:
Paul haters may find the following chapter deeply nauseating..........

Later that night, after much fuss and bother and lighting of incense and candles, the others return to the house and the new little family settles down in the den.

It's a good little baby, and despite looking uncannily like his dad, seems to have inherited his mum's laid back attitude to life.

Paul is too excited to sleep, and props himself up on one elbow to look at his sleeping wife and baby.

'Like, WOW!' he thinks to himself. 'I just started off thinking she was pretty cool, then I needed some TLC, and we came in here for a bit of a cuddle, and like WOW!
It's absolutely AMAZING! A year ago I'd just finished that little fling with Gerda in Cologne - she was understandably gutted – then I comes in here – the old Clarke charm kicks in again – Penny, had to fight her off, then all the angst I went through with those nominations, it was all worth it, just for this moment.

Even with her mouth open, dribbling and blowing bubbles, I love this girl! Who'd have thought it!'

Helen stirs, muttering 'He's soo cute, he's our little glitterbabe!'

'What babe?' asks Paul.

'Sorry, was I talkin?' asked Helen sleepily.

'Yeah, I think it's catching!' said Paul 'You alright?'

H: 'Yeah, I'm feeling great! Can't you sleep love?'

P: 'I could, I could, but I don't want to! This is just such an unbelievable night, and I don't want it to end'

H: Do you like what I done for you Mr Clarke?

P: Like him? I love him - he's infantastic!

H: He is, int he Paul!

P: Mate, he's unbelievable, absolutely unbelievable!

H: What shall we call him then Paul? We gotta give him a name..

P: I bin thinking about that.

H: Have you?

P: I have, H. And here's what I think -

H: Go on then!

P: Well you know Davina said we were like the new Posh and Becks…

H: Yeah, yeah, go on..

P: Which is pretty amazing when you think about it, right?

H: (Sighs) Yes Paul,

P: Isn’t it though? I mean it’s just..

H: Shaddup!

P: Well it is!

H: Shaddup Paul, get on with it!!!

P: So, just a minute, let me finish, anyway, why don’t we do what they did?

H: How do you mean?

P: Call him after where he was conceived…you know where he started.

H: He started in the pool, Paul!

P: No, I mean when we..

H: Oh, right, OK!

P: So, what do you think of Bowden?

H: What?

P: Well, we was in Bow, and in the den want we!

H: Paul, that’s so clever! And it’s a nice name, really classy, ‘Bowden Clarke’ I like that, I do!

P: Yeah, triple cool! Oh, and Helen…….
.
H: Yes Paul

P: No child of mine is EVER going to be called ‘glitterbabe’, OK!

H: Mr Clarke, as if I would!

P: Well, OK then, Bowden it is!

H: Lovely, you are a really lovely guy, and a lovely daddy, ent you Paul?

P: Mmmmm, yeah, course I am. Now let’s all get some sleep.

SSSShhhhhh! Now, lets leave them in peace and see what's going on back in the house......

Night-time manoevres of a very different kind are going on…………….


:frosty::rudolph::noel:

Oh ROB before we go back to the story I must just tell you how brilliant your two chapters are. Everyone is really good but you are just soooo funny and can write dialogue, esp. H&P's so cleverly, it's fantastic to read. Sorry to interupt the story but I just had to tell ROB this. Please forgive story readers.

The following day...

It is early morning, and Helen, Paul and bowden have been thrown out of the main bedroom on account of the newest member of the Clarke family testing his lung capacity through the night.

So the three have to crash in the lounge.

Stuart wanders down to look out into the garden, taking care not to wake the Clarke Family.

Suddenly out of the sky come two people on on PowerSending chutes.

Instinctively Stuart closes the door as the two men land.

"I don't believe this" He utters, "Its like Big Brother 2"

The two men seem to split up. One kneels on the lawn.

The other runs towards the patio doors and starts to bang on the glass.

The other man approaches the glass door with a poster saying "Gucci Leather Is Gucci Murder"

"Oh my God!" Stuart exclaims, "animal rights nutters"

"Would all the housemates please go up stairs to the main bed room and close the door." Booms the tannoy

The Clarkes are rather groggy but Stuart helps them up.

The second intruder starts to spray his slogan on the glass...

That is until three burly security guards, extras from walking with Beasts, intervene and show them the error of their ways.

Meanwhile Helen is in a state of shock. And all of the other housemates are upset that the screaming of little Bowden has disturbed their beauty sleep.

They remain upstairs for two hours while the glass door is repaired.

"Can't you shut that Brat up" Yells Narinder.

Helen looks hurt as she tries to comfort Bowden.

Paul finaly looses his temper and tells Narinder ......

… to shut up or he’ll throw her in the pool.

Naz storms off in a huff and can be heard muttering under her breath that no baby of hers would ever make so much noise.

The housemates are finally let downstairs and most of them wonder into the lounge and sit down.

Bowden is crying, so Helen turns to Dean.

‘Dean, can you play us a lullaby, help this little glitterbabe get off to sleep’.

‘Glitterbabe!’ Dean says askance.

Paul looks despairingly at his wife, in his minds eye he could already see all the ‘Glitterbabe’ T-shirts that would be in the shops by tomorrow. ‘Well, it is for charity I suppose’, he smiles to himself.

Dean sits down on the sofa next to Helen and little Bowden and starts to play quietly. Pretty soon the crying stops and all we can hear is the contented gurgling of a very sleepy little baby.

As Bowden falls to sleep, Helen gently carries him over the the cot in the corner of the room and makes him comfortable.

‘You know,’ Brian says to Penny, ‘I think she’s going to make a great mum.’

- - - - - - - -

‘This is Big Brother. Could someone please come to the Diary Room.’

‘I’ll go’, says Stuart, who is standing nearest the door, and heads off to see what Big Brother wants.

‘I’ll go and make us all a cup of tea’, Liz says and heads of towards the kitchen, followed by Penny.

In a few minutes Stuart reappears with a piece of paper.

‘We have our first task, guys.’

Penny and Liz come back into the room and Stuart begins to reads from the sheet…..

'Housemates' he reads

'If you look outside you will find that the tools you require for your first task have been delivered'

Everyone immediately turns towards the patio doors.

'No, pay attention all of you, we must read the instructions properly first!' chastens Stuart.

'Still a complete winker I see' whispers Penny to Brian

'Have you got something to say Penny? Would you like to share it with us all?' said Stuart.

' I thought I was the teacher here Stuart!' she replied.

'Oh my God, yer we go again!' said Helen

'I think' said Dean, languidly and obviously back on the herbal remedy, 'I think, I just think we should all just calm down. Awlriyght?'

'It's obvious that we are all under a great deal of pressure, and under the circumstances we need to establish and maintain a meaningful understanding of each other whilst celebrating the beauty of our individuality...' said Elizabeth. Her diatribe tails off as she becomes aware ten pairs of eyes looking incredulously at her.

'Or, we could just chill our boots!' said Paul.

'Exactly!' said Dean.

' Alright, this is all very heartwarming, but can we continue?' asked Stuart. 'OK, you have been provided with the component parts of a simple kit car, and a linguaphone course in German. You will therefore be surprised to find that the indtructions are in German. You have four days to decipher the instructions and construct the car.'

'That's brilliant!' said Paul. I speak German, and I know all about car components!'

'Oh Paul, you really are amazin' love, ent yew?' said H, adoringly.

'I may throw up!' said Narinder

'I think Mr Clarke senior might have called in a few favours with the film crew' whispered Amma to Stuart.

Stuart looked a little concerned. 'That's all well and good, but it is a group task, and if we have been provided with the language course, and there are after all eleven of us, we should all take part!'

'There's twelve actually Stuart!' said Helen.

'Babe, I know he's a bright little bloke, and he is a Clarke, but even then I don't think Bowden can really do much to help!' said Paul.

' He can watch though, can't he?'she said

'Course he can H, course he can!' said Paul, and the couple spontaneously hug.

' I am going to throw up! said Narinder.

'I think Helen has a point' said Brian. After all, if Bowden only watches at least he might learn something, whereas Josh will stand there and do nothing at all!. I mean, what does he know. he's not going to pick up an oily rag!'

'Brian, you don't know, I might just be very skilled with nuts and bolts and things!' said Josh

'Mmm, but we don't think so, do we children!' replied Brian

'Can I just say something?' Chirped up Bubble, who had been unusually quiet.

' Of course Bubble!' said Stuart.

'I think you should give Clarkey a chance. He's a good bloke, I have got to know him a lot better now.' said Bubble.

'And I have!' said Helen

'Yes Helen I think we know that! Anyway, it's his field of expertise. If it was teaching, it would be Penny, if it was songwriting, it'd be Dean, and if it was errrr Flamenco dancing, it would be Betty. I say give the bloke a chance. What about that?' he asked.

'He's right you know!' said Penny.

Stuart looked around and suggested a vote on it.

This was duly cast, Elizabeth and Stuart abstained, revealing a 4:4 split before Paul had cast his own vote.

'Leave me out of this I'll only be accused of rigging it!' he said.

'Well, that's fair Paul but we need a deciding vote' said Stuart 'Elizabeth, you must make a decision. Would you like Paul or myself to lead this project?'

'I think it's entirely inappropriate for me to take part in this. I mean why not ask the baby?' she said.

'Of course, Bowden!' screeched Helen. The baby grizzled in response. 'You'd like your daddy to do the car thing wouldn't you?'

Bowden looked up at the beaming face he was now beginning to recognise as his Mummy, and more importantly as his source of food. He responded with his very first smile and gurgle.

' I think that's a yes!' cooed Penny.

'That's it, I need a bowl!' shouted Narinder, rushing to the kitchen.

'OK, we've wasted enough time, Paul, the task is yours. We bow to your expertise.
Talk us through it!' said Stuart.

'Right! Great, wicked. This is what we'll do, yeah?

First, you lay out all the component parts in alphabetical order, labelling as you go. I'll just translate the instructions into English' he said excitedly and sat at the table, pencil in hand, tongue out to one side, obviously concentrating really hard.

'Look at him, little love!' said Penny. 'I just love pupils like that, they try really hard!'

'Listen Penny, I know you like Paul, but he's all mine now, OK?' said Helen

'That's alright H, I know. I realise he's not sophisticated enough for me!' said Penny

'Not like nasty Nick then penny?' said Bubblr.

' Yes well, we did have a little fling..' she replied.

' Done it!' shouted Paul jumping to his feet excitedly.

Big Brother, stunned at the speed with which he had acheived this, called him into the diary room and asked him to leave it with them whilst their German language expert checked it through.

Prof Hans Krol read it through incredulously. 'Zis is incredible!' he said.
'the boy's knowledge of the language is exceptional! And the speed wiz which he did zis! Wunderbar!'

Big brother announced to the housemates that Paul had translated with great skill, and verified that the technical data was absolutely precise.

The housemates looked at Paul, who responded by saying,

' Look, it's just something I can do, OK? No big deal. let's get on with it!'

'Oh Paul, you are amazing!' said Helen.

'You know, I actually think he might be..'
said Elizabeth

'Who'd have guessed?' said Brian and they all trooped into the garden to start assembling the car.

Elizabeth thought it best she inspect the components for sharp edges and label them with a red sticker to indicate she or Dean must be present when handling. However, this was soon abandoned when she realised a distinct absence of tasteless pink seat covers for the car. She couldn’t even improvise with her fluffy jumper from before. The producers told her she wasn’t allowed it this time muttering something about strobing. She went off in the huff declaring “this task is immature and cars are so loud”. More to the point she “we never covered them in my tutorials at university”, she thought to herself as she went to cook lunch and listen to the liguaphone.

“I like these bits here” announced Brian. “They’re sort of shiney and have funny patterns on them.”

“Ooh, I think we can make them prettier if we dab them with Vaseline, then sprinkle them with glitter” proclaimed Helen.

“I don’t like them: they’re wafer thin” Dean responded.

“Erm, they’re the circuit boards for the engine’s super advanced fuel injection system” Paul revealed. “I’m sure you’ll do a great job with them, but these babies look like RX2891s which me mates tell me are double cool already. I remember one time me and my mates were on holiday, and we rented these mopeds that didn’t have fuel injection. It was wicked, but I almost killed myself.”

Stuart interrupted. They had a schedule to keep, and in business it wasn’t good to have his foreman distracting the workers like this. “What about the indicators? They’re the best bits of cars. They wink on and off and are very helpful in letting other road users know what you are doing. I mean everyone uses them don’t they? It’s not a sign of arrogance is it?”

“They are if you’re driving to The Tan Stand” Amma sneered. “I don’t like these modern bumpers. They’re so boring and unreflective. Can we put tin-foil on them?”

“Well if you get tin-foil, I want this car to be a convertible” said Josh. “Better still, can it be one of those Jeep things with a roll bar? Then we can use them to do pull-ups to keep our Pecks in tip-top condition”

“I wonder which Formula One racing drivers are watching this right now thinking ‘I’d like to **** that Narinder’”.

Brian opened his mouth. He didn’t know the names of any racing drivers. Who’d watch Formula One when you could be shopping for belts? He sensed everyone looking at him to make a smart comment. God, he felt so ashamed by his lack of knowledge.

Dean screwed up his face, opened his mouth and said …

...'Aren't we just getting a bit off track here? I mean, we're building a KIT car, and that means it comes AS a kit, we don't HAVE to design it, just BUILD it.
Now, Paul, it seems to me that you KNOW what you're doing, and these jokers are all disTRACTing you.

Let's just get on with it. Paul can delegate the work and we'll do it. Is that clear?'

'Yes, Dean!' they all replied, with the exception of Stuart who narrowed his eyes, got up and walked to the decking area to pick up his weights. He proceeded to exercise vigorously, letting out his breath with each exertion in exaggerated grunts.

'Well, Dean, if that's how it is, I'll go in the kitchen, I know when I'm not wanted!' said Brian, throwing his head back and walking dramatically into the house, trailing his shirt behind him.
'And to think I was willing to work up a sweat there, and what thanks do I get? Oh, the RUDENESS!'

'Oh PLEEASE' said Josh following him into the kitchen. 'You had no idea what you were doing. You thought the air filter was a saucepan!'

'Mmmm, but I thought I might look good in one of those calendars, you know, all covered in Vaseline, sweat trickling down my chest, and with an oily rag sticking out of the top of my ever so slightly unzipped flies...' said Brian

'Ooooh Bri, sounds nice love! I can just imagine Mr Clarke like that. Will you hold Bowden while I go outside and look?' said Helen

'Helen, you can't have any thoughts like that for another 6 weeks! You filthy minx, you've just had a baby!' said Brian

'6 weeks Bri? I don't think so.' said Helen mischieviously, as she skipped outside to check on Paul's progress.

'You alright Paul? Ive been missing you. How's it going love?' she said snuggling up to his chest and squeezing him tight.

'Uuuurgh' said Paul, putting his arms round her gently and holding out his hands so as not to smear her with oil.
'Careful H, I'm all messed up, and grubby!'

'Yeahh, you smell lovely Mr Clarke! said Helen, rubbing her nose onto his chest.

'Helen, your boobs have really grown Babe!' said Paul, looking down approvingly.

'I know, they are fantastic aren't they?' giggled Helen, as they hugged each other ever closer.

'Excuse me Helen, but Dean's just told the others not to distract Paul. It seems to me that has to apply to you as well!'
said Elizabeth, obviously disgusted by their demonstrations of affection.

'It's Paul's fault, if you ask me!' said Amma

'How is it Paul's fault?' asked Penny

'It just is!' said Amma

'He's being too exciteable!' said Elizabeth

'He's enjoying all this attention SOOO much!' said Josh to Narinder. 'He thinks he is going to win JUST because he's married Helen and they've had this baby, and now he's building this car practically single handed. Ratings, ratings, ratings!'

'I think maybe that's a little bit harsh' said Brian, joining them at the patio doors.
'But there again, it IS Paul and it is very annoying hearing him talk ****, and actually having to listen to him, so go ahead!'

Helen stands away from Paul and promptly bursts into inconsolable tears.
' I don't want to be in this place no more! You're all horrible to Paul, and I don't know why, he's so lovely, and me and Bowden we just want him to ourselves. We don't want to be here with you, you and you!' she cried, stamping her feet and gesticulating at the other housemates randomly.

'Listen babe, I know the others don't like me, and fair play to them. I know you like me, and that all my friends and family do. It don't matter mate, if they want to do it alone, they can. But I think we'll just have to chill, and so will they, because it's for charity. If you're really unhappy, we'll go, but I think we should keep at it. You're all emotional, and that's normal, yeah? When my little brother was born my mum was like that' said Paul, looking down at her protectively.

'Actually, he's right H!' said Elizabeth reluctantly. 'It's your third post partum day and you are emotionally labile, swinging from euphoria to despair'

'What?' asked Helen, calmer now, but clinging even more tightly to Paul.

'She means you've got the baby blues!' said Bubble

'Oh, right. I remember Rhoda had them when Jackson was born' said Helen wearily. 'I'm tired now'.

'Come on you little love' said Penny. I'll look after Bowden and you go for a sleep. We should all remember that Helen just had a baby, and she needs to rest'.

'Alright Penny' Helen agreed. Paul kissed her on top of her head as she walked off to the bedroom with Penny supporting her.

'Come on Paul mate, I know it's tough going, but the sooner we start, the sooner we finish!' said Dean, as Paul watched Helen go inside.

'It's not right Dean, I'm not happy about it. The girl needs all the support she can get - her mum or my mum, at a time like this' he said.

' I know where you're coming from Paul, but we're in here, and it's for a good cause' replied Dean.

'She'll be alright' said Elizabeth

'She'd survive a nuclear holocaust, little dizzy cow' hissed Narinder between her teeth to Brian

'Naz!!' said Brian' Now that's not being nice!'

'Hey Paul, she's got Penny, that's like at least two mothers wrapped up in one! let's make Penny her nurse!' said Bubble

'God, that will send Helen over the edge!' said Stuart

'No Bubble, that's a really cool idea. Penny's a good girl, she'll look after them both' said Paul. 'I'll ask her! Stuart, will you just place the phlange screw in the......' before he could finish Paul found himself relieved of the screwdriver and propelled across the grass.

'You just go and sort out your wife and baby, and I'll continue here' said Stuart, smiling genially.

'Cheers mate, I'll come back and take over in a minute' answered Paul

'Stuart glanced back at Paul over his shoulder. 'Sure' he said.

Turning away, Stuart's smile vanished and was immediately replaced by a machivellian sneer. He winked into the mirror in front of him and straight at a startled cameraman who felt he MUST be looking straight at him.

'Bloody Hell' said the cameraman to the sound engineer, who was eating a sandwich beside him. 'That was bloody scary, and he's muttering to himself now. Can you pick up what he's saying?'

'Yeah, hang on a minute' replied the engineer, adjusting his console.

He looked at the cameraman in horror as he heard the dialogue coming through Stuart's microphone.

'Here, listen to this!' he said, passing his headset to his colleague

Stuart was intoning the same words over and over as he worked furiously to assemble the engine..

' That's what you think Paul, this is mine, all mine, you're not getting this back! Mine, all mine I tell you!'

'You alright Stu? Steady on young man, you're working so hard, you're frothing at the mouth!' said Bubble

'What?' said Stuart, clearing his head and thinking quickly. 'Oh yes, ha ha, just trying to push on, team work , you know!'

'He's a good bloke, Stuart.' said Dean to Elizabeth

'Yes, he's an absolute sweetie really' she agreed. 'Now what shall we have for dinner tonight?'

The other housemates settle into the evening routine, and calmness descends upon the house.................................

During the course of the evening, a glint in the lawn next to the kit car catches Helen's eye. As Bowden is in his cot and Paul is catching up stories with Stuart, Helen goes to investigate.

As she bends down to investigate and picks up a diamond peg like object, a wave of nausia hits her.

After a moment she recovers. But things seem different.

The car they are building, is now a motorboat.

An elderly woman approaches her from the house.

"I thought you were.." she starts

Helen is confused, "You are "

The lady is surprised at Helen's lack of recognition, "I'm Anne, the eleventh housemate, after you were evicted"

"What, I thought it was Penny out first, and it was Josh who came in"

"No , afraid not, Natasha scored more votes than him. I'm surprised they let you out of the hospital after what Big G's friend did to you with that bottle, I hear Big G punched his lights out" Anne told Helen

Helen finds this hard to take in and sits on the grass, to avoid feinting. By now she had a horrible headache.

Suddenly everything freezes, ecept for Josh as he seems to come out from the darkness

"Josh? " she mouths

"I am afraid not, I can not tell you my name. I appear as Josh so you will not be alarmed. You have been a victim of a Quantum Redistributer weapon"

"A what ??" Helen asks, still dazed and confused.

"It is an illegal device, it sends its victims to alternate realities, you are lucky we found you quickly so we have a fix on where you should be"

"Can I go back please" Helen asked as tears welled up in her eyes.

"It will be a while we are working on the re-entry device, it will be a special pogo stick. You must return to your reality, or you will be as the Helen of this reality."

Helen's eyes widen "what happened to her ?"

The Josh like creature turned his head and seemed to be holding a conversation with someone in the darkness. He then turned back to her and in a sad voice told her "She just passed away. A week or so after she was evicted, for some reason she was struck on the head by a bottle and has been in a coma. She never regained consciousness"

Helen was stunned, she never understood alternative universes. Elizabeth had mentioned them before, but it was over her head. She also had the impression that Elizabeth had been struggling to understand it herself.

The Josh figure bent down. "I have little time to maintain a freeze on time in this reality, so I have to brief you on this universe

"You went out first

Penny went up against Stuart the next week, and Stuart narrowly was evicted.

Then Penny went up against Narinder and Penny went

Anne went up against Brian, and Brian walked

Anne went up against Elizabeth and Anne walked

Amma went up against Paul and Amma went

Paul went up against Narinda and Paul Walked

On the Thursday shock eviction, Dean went

Narinda came third, Bubble second, and Elizabeth came first

After Big Brother Paul and Penny tied up, but they are not married yet. There is no Bowden"

"What happens now" Helen Wispered.

"I will go, and return with the pogo stick to take you back to your reality. You must try and interact with these housemates. Tell them nothing"

"Helen are you all right" came the familiar voice of Brian, "you phased out their"

"Oh Brian, it was awful"

"Yes I know, I had no idea you were out the hospital"

"Huh?"

"Anne is fixing up a supper, I bet Paul and Penny are still snoggin in the den, how rude"

Helen could not believe what was happening, why had someone sent her here, how would she ever get back to her Paul. She wanted to cry, but did not dare.

She entered the house, even this seemed different.

The rest of the housemates were surprised to see her, but it was time for a supper of.....

Oh dear, I'm getting confused again. :blush:

Sticks, your parallel universe ideas are very interesting to read, but unfortunately very hard to join in with. Obviously we need a little artistic licence when putting together our interactive story, but can I be boring and ask that we stick to the one 'reality' for a little bit longer? Interactive stories are great because of the diversity of writing styles and influences, but can go a bit wonky when any individual changes the direction of the whole story in a single post. Apart from confusing simple souls such as myself, it can be alienating to less confident posters.

Sticks - any chance of turning the above into some kind of dream sequence or scary story told by Dean? I preferred Anne to slimy Josh, but it's probably easier for us all to write about who we know.
:flower:

Chicken and vegetables....

"This is getting boring now Dean, I don't like it when you make up stories, espeically when I don't understand a word of them" Said Helen

"Oh I was quite enjoying it" replied Penny

"Well you would, Mr.Clarke is mine OK" With that Helen walked off with Bowden.

Dean looked at the group and told them how he always dreamed of an alternate reality and thought Helen was a good person to use. He then started to talk about other realities, and everyone walked off except Elizabeth. Her and Dean were chatting for a good few hours.

"This is Big Brother - would someone please come to the diary room"

Helen put down Bowden in the den and ran straight to the diary room, she pressed the button and entered.

BB: Hello Helen

H: Hello Big Brother!

BB: Helen tomorrow morning at 10am we will be playing you video clips of your family on the TV screen. You have the choice if you want to watch it - please can you tell the others if they.....

Helen immediatly rushed out the diary room and left the door open "BOWDEN - IVE LEFT BOWDEN IN THE DEN ALONE"
She rushed downstairs - through the garden and opened the door of the den to find that.........

I thought it would help stretch creativity with a what if. What if Helen had gone out first...

I even set up a way for people to reset things with out resorting to the "It was a dream" gambit, i.e the soon arrival of the magic pogo stick, to pogo stick back to our reality. (Remember when the real Helen in the School yard task persevered with the pogo stick ?)

(Sorry Mark for breach of protocol)

.............she ran into the den to find to her great relief that Bowden was lying fast asleep in his Daddy's arms.

'It's alright babe, don't worry! I've got him. He's fine, he's absolutley fine!' said Paul.

'Oh Paul, I was so scared then. How could I leave him, even for a minute. He's just a helpless little baby, oh love him! Only Dean told me this awful story, and then I had to go and see Big Brother............'

'Helen, Helen, it's fine. I saw what happened, and he's my baby as well you know. We're in this thing together, girl, Mummy and Dddy, for better or worse' said Paul reassuringly, putting Bowden down gently on the floor, and hugging Helen.

'I'm so hopeless Paul. I sometimes wonder why you bothered with me in the first place'. she said.

'That's easy. One, you are amazing, two it was meant to be, and three, and this is the most important reason, right, you fancied me and YOU decided we would be together!' said Paul laughing.

'Paul Clarke! Anyone would think I was ugly or something!' said Helen

'Whereas we all know you are blond and look alright-ish!!' said Paul.

'Shaddup!' shouted Helen, causing Bowden to stir. 'Sorry baby, sorry Paul. Listen, I've got to go back into the Diary Room now, I just ran out in the middle of talking to Big Brother. He said something about me seeing video clips of the family, but I'm scared to go without you'

'Clips of the family? That's cool!
Remember we've just got one family now Helen!' said Paul. Don't be scared babe, we'll all go back in the house together, and I'll wait outside the Diary Room with Bowden'

'Thankyou. Big hug before we go back in?' said Helen

'Alright, come here, mmmmmmm, there you go, now let's go in' said Paul, carrying his son and leading his wife gently back into the house'

'Hello you three!' called Brian

'Oh Bri, I thought I'd left Bowden on his own there!' said Helen, disappearing into the Diary Room.

'Paul, you'll have to watch her, it's the fire task all over again!' said Narinder.

'Listen, it's as much his responsibility as hers' said Amma

'That's right Amma, and it's a responsibility I'm happy to take!' said Paul

'I can see those two are still going to have problems' whispered Brian to Narinder.

'Mmm, I think you're right. Now enough of them and their smelly, noisy little brat. it's so boring! Shall we do one of our routines?' said Narinder 'I suppose we'll have to do it on the patio to avoid waking 'Bowden'. Come on then, what shall we do?'

Brian stood and thought for a moment.'How about...................

… ‘You can make me whole again’ by Atomic Kitten? I love the Kittens, and they were really really sweet to me when I performed with them. They were singing ‘Brian you’re the one, you can turn me on ….”

“Oh go on and rub it in” moaned Naz. “You never thought to take me along with you, did you? You know how much I love to go to events like that where everyone will see me and think ‘I love that Narinder’. But no – you’re still the same me me me, I I I ….”

“Eeeeeoooowwwww … I am SO not – how ruuuude!” screeched Brian, and ran off back inside the house, leaving Naz still ranting away to herself outside on the patio.

“Hi guys ….. hey, where is everyone? What are they up to?” he asked.

“Well, Helen and Paul have retired to the den to put Bowden to sleep then play snakes and ladders, Stuart and Josh are in the gym working on their pecs, Dean and Elizabeth are discussing parallel universes in the lounge, Amma’s removing hair from intimate parts of her body, Penny’s cleaning out the chickens, and I’m standing here talking to you” quipped Bubble. “What’s Naz in such a strop about?”

“Oh Bubble, I just don’t know what to do about her” sighed Brian. “It’s really weird – I do like her, and we have great fun, but she just can’t let me do anything on my own.”

“So I take it she didn’t react well when she heard about you and I getting our own TV quiz show” grinned Bubble.

“Oh god, no – when I told her about that she nearly blew a gasket. Said she couldn’t believe they didn’t want her to be in it as well, and what sort of a name was “’Ding-Dong Demons’ anyway” replied Brian.

“Tough – she’ll just have to get over it” Bubble said. “Anyway, what’s wrong with the name? I say ‘ding dong’ if a contestant gets a question right and you shout ‘demons’ if they get it wrong. It’s quality!! And it’s great that Dean will be writing the theme tune too.”

“Well, might as well go to bed then” Brian yawned. “Yep, me too” said Bubble “I’ve got to get up bright and early to make the porridge before we crack on with the car. We like this task – we like it a lot.”

And so, as Brian and Bubble headed for the boys’ bedroom, all that could be heard was….

… rrrrrrrrip – owwwwwww … from the girl’s bedroom
… mutter mutter … rollin, rollin … what about me … from the patio
… come on, darlings – go to bed for Aunty Penny … from the garden
… puff … just another 50 sit-ups … pant …. then 50 bench presses … from the gym
… blah blah blah .... d'you know what I mean Dean? …Dean, are you still awake? .... from the lounge
… “Rock a bye baby in the den” as Paul & Helen quietly duetted a lullaby to Bowden.

…. As another day drew to a close in the Charity Big Brother House.

Next morning ……

… for once all of the housemates were up bright and early and having breakfast in the kitchen, all apart from Stuart who everyone assumed was in the shower. It was ‘task day’ and they knew that, even though Paul had been doing really well with the car, because of all the arguments about who was in charge they were still running behind schedule and they were anxious to get started.

‘It’s lush out there, I think I’m gonna put Bowden into his pram on the patio’ Helen said and wandered outside with the baby.

‘Guys!’ Helen shouted from outside. ‘I may not know much about cars, but it looks finished to me!’

‘What Babe, it can’t be!’ shouts Paul as the others head towards the patio doors to investigate.

Standing in the middle of the garden is an immaculate red and chrome sports car, which certainly looked finished.

http://www.minorannoyance.net/~spin/...d/iroc-red.gif

‘What the……’ Dean says and heads over to the car with an amazed look on his face.

Suddenly from the far side of the car a clanking noise can be heard, followed a few seconds later by Stuarts head appearing from behind the boot.

‘Finished’ he said, throwing the spanner back into the tool box next to him and standing back obviously very proud of his handy work. ‘What do you think?’

‘Stuart’ yelled Brian ‘That’s evil! You must have been up all night’.

‘I couldn’t sleep so I thought I would do something useful.’

Everyone looked impressed apart from Paul who was feeling a bit put out as he had really been looking forward to finishing off the car.

‘I thought we were gonna have to work so hard today’, Josh said with a grin on his face, ‘now all I’ve got to do is top up my tan!’

Paul wondered over to the car and started to inspect it. Suddenly he started to laugh..

‘Wicked. I mean I know I wanted to finish it, but you done a cool job and it means I can spend more time with Bowden, so that’s cool.’

‘This is Big Brother. Could all housemates please go back into the house while we send in an engineer to inspect the car.’

All the housemates head back into the house and Stuart goes off to have a shower.

‘I thought you’d be really annoyed with Stuart.’ Josh said to Paul, ‘After all you wanted to finish the car didn’t you?’

‘I was at first, but like, well… it’s not worth it is it mate? After all it’s all for charity and Stu did do a cartastic job on it.’

Naz and Brian had wondered off into the lounge talking quietly to each other. ‘I wonder what that pair are up to,’ Bubble said and sneaked off after them to see if he could overhear what was going on………

Brian and Naz had gone straight through the lounge and into the bedroom. When Bubble caught up with them they were both sitting on Brian’s bed looking through an enormous Encyclopaedia Brittanica. Brian was telling Naz “Africa is the second largest continent, you know. I must have a talk with Dean later about its economy and geology. I’ve been doing loads of swatting since I left the Big Brother house”.

“Did you bring the Encyclopaedia as one of your luxury items?” Bubble asked Brian. “Yes, and the Tai Chi book that Dean brought me for Christmas, love him, and my new backgammon set”. Brian got off the bed. He was wearing a T shirt with a picture of Paddy on it. “I’ve also been going for lots of long walks in the country”. He reached into his suitcase and produced a packet of dairylea. He offered some to Naz and Bubble and they both took a piece.

“It was really good of Big Brother to let us bring in that extra suitcase of luxury items” Bubble said. “I just managed to fit all my hats in it”. He opened his suitcase and soon two of the double beds were completely covered in hats. “What did you bring in as your luxury items, Naz?” he asked.......................

Oh i brought all the same things as before. Narinder said.

Brian and Bubble left the room

Helen and paul were having some time to themselves as Bowden was asleep. Suddenly Big brother voice said Paul come to the diary room. after five minutes Paul came out

Guys we have a reward challange Paul said

Oh lush said Helen what is it

'OK, listen everyone, we've got a mini-task here and it's a blinder!' said Paul. 'Here's the deal...'

'Is it the best and possibly the most exciting task ever, by any chance Paul?' asked Brian

Paul, laughing, replied

'It is mate, it is, you got it! Seriously, what we've got to do, right, is, we've got to hold a Big Brother cluedo! This is so cool!

Each of us has got to go into the diary room and find out what to do!'

Paul looks up at the rest of the group expectantly, and is surprised to find that not all of them look quite as excited as he feels about it.

'C'mon you guys, it will be Sherlock Holmes-tastic! ' he said, trying to instill a little enthusiasm into the group.

'Can I be the victim please Paul? I just cannot be bothered with it at all' said Brian, sulkily.

'Only if I get to play the murderer!' said Josh.

'I suppose I could be Moriarty, the master criminal...' said Dean, finding himself interested, despite his better judgement.

'What's in it for us?' asked Narinder 'I mean, if we've got to act like morons, at least the reward should be worth having!'

'Listen, all our roles are gonna be decided by chance. We've got to put all the character names in a hat, and pick one to find out who we are. The victim is already decided Brian. It's our original 11th housemate, the stuffed doll', said Paul.

'Paddy can be the Hound of the Baskervilles, can't he Paul!' said Helen, laughing. 'Bless his little cotton socks, love him!'

'No H, there no hound in this story I don't think!. Anyway, the reward for solving the mystery by tomorrow morning is amazing! We gotta do it!' said Paul, positively bouncing with excitement.

'What is it? For God's sake Paul, just tell us!' said Amma

' Now, don't take this the wrong way, but please don't take the Lord's name in vain Amma'. said Penny

'Paul, if you don't tell us what the reward is, I will have to commit a violent act, which is something to which I am diametrically opposed in principle' said Dean.

'Every act of violence is committed as the result of a fundamental failure in communication' said Elizabeth, nodding her agreement.

'I feel there has to be someone willing to take a leadership role in this instance, and I am not afraid to step forward.' said Stuart. 'I am used to working in a heirarchical structure, and I am used to telling people what to do'

'Well, you can leave my hat out of it Paul!' said Bubble.


'WILL - YOU - ALL - SHUT - UP - AND - LET - ME - TELL - YOU - WHAT- THE - FLAMING - REWARD - IS?' shouted Paul, just as everyone went quiet.


'Paul Clarke, I swear!' said Helen, admiringly. 'You never cease to amaze me!'

'H, please, everyone listen. If we solve it, the Beckhams have promised to donate a week of their wages to the charity of our choice. Now even you have to admit that is absolutely brilliant!' said Paul

'Who are the Beckham's?' asked Elizabeth. 'And I don't see what is so marvellous about that, just a couple of hundred pounds I imagine. Commendable of course, but hardly life changing'.

The group looked at her in quiet disbelief.

'Do you have any idea how much these people earn in a week?' asked Dean

'More than Birmingham City take at the gate in a year Dean!' quipped Bubble.

'Should I know them?' asked Elizabeth, feigning disinterest to cover her slight unease at Dean's apparent disapproval.


'HOUSEMATES ARE REMINDED THAT THEY HAVE 5 MINUTES LEFT IN WHICH TO DECIDE WHO IS FIRST INTO THE DIARY ROOM' Boomed big brother.

After snatching Bubble's hat from his head, names are hurriedly put in, and the group find out who they are to be.

'CAN INSPECTOR BRAVO PLEASE COME TO THE DIARY ROOM?' asked Big Brother.

'Thats me!' said Helen, passing Bowden to Paul, and running giggling to the diary room.

After the diary room door closes, the team look at each other in disbelief.

'Well, we've lost it!' said Dean.

'Perhaps if we all work together to support her'. said Penny.

'We can't actually do that, because one of us is the murderer, and we have to stay in character' said Elizabeth.

'Oh my God, we have no chance what-so-ever!' said Narinder

'That is so unfair. Helen has a great deal of common sense' said Amma

'She's an absolute Star, mate' said Paul.

'Who is?' said Helen, leaving the diary room, and running back over to take Bowden back from Paul.

'You are babe. you're the best!' said Paul.

'Am I Paul? Am I your best girl?' she asked, cuddling up to him.

'Bloody amazing, babe. Love you!' said Paul, leaning over to kiss her.

'Oh, Paul, you are so lush...' murmured Helen

'Excuse me, Helen, but don't you have something to tell us?' asked Elizabeth, somewhat curtly, as the rest of the group
moaned at the now all too familiar sight of the couple canoodling.

'For God's sake, someone, save the baby! They're going to crush him between them!'
shouted Brian, rather dramatically.

'We wouldn't do that to our Bowden, would we Paul? Sorry, I just can't help myself with Mr Clarke you know - he's so lovely!

Oh yes, Big Brother wants the vicar to go in now.

'That'll be me then!' said Brian. I am the Reverend Sermon. Do you think Father O'Rourke back home will ever forgive me?'

'You are past all hope and forgiveness Brian' said Josh. 'Now get in the Diary room!'


The process continued.

Dean was the Butler.

Josh was Joshua Fortescue, the rogueish son of the Household.

Amma was the chambermaid.

Liz was Mrs Elizabeth Prissy the cook.

Narinder was Mrs Fortescue, lady of the house and the widow of the victim.

Penny was Penelope, maiden aunt.

Stuart was the boyfriend of the victim's daughter Miss Fortescue.

Bubble was the chaffeur.

Just as they began to think it was all too neat, rather perversely, Paul found out that he was to play the daughter, who they now named Pauline.

'It's mad innit!' said Paul. 'This could be quite amusing! Can I borrow that dress again Narinder?'

'HOUSEMATES ARE REMINDED THAT THEY HAVE ONLY UNTIL 9AM TOMORROW TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY. THE BODY CAN BE FOUND IN THE JACUZZI, WITH THE AUTOPSY REPORT. CAN INSPECTOR BRAVO PLEASE READ THIS AND START TO QUESTION THE HOUSEMATES'

'Oh, OK, sorry Big Brother' said Helen.

A few minutes later, Helen returned. She looked at her fellow housemates, who for some reason all felt extremely guilty. only one of them, however, knew the truth.

'Helen will never guess!', the 'murderer' thought smugly, forgetting for the moment that the whole thing was fabricated, and that all they had to gain by not being discovered was the group losing the task.

They had to co-operate though, because if they were caught even dropping hints, Big Brother had threatened to evict them.

'Can Penny, I mean Aunt Penelope, please come to the diary room with me. I wish to ask her some questions!' said Helen.

'Oh I say, it's a fair cop!' said Penny, as they disappeared into the diary room, which now contained two chairs and a table.

The rest of the group found themselves looking at each other suspiciously.

'Now, Miss Penelope Fortescue. I understand you found the body. Tell me everything you can remember' said Inspector Helen Bravo, licking her pencil and holding her notepad ready.

'Well, I was just going out to put the chickens away, when I noticed Bubble, the chauffeur, slipping out of the den' .

'Was this unusual?' asked Inspector Bravo

'Well, I had just seen someone else leave the den before him. It was.....'





:conf:

Just then all the lights in the house failed, and the Diary room was plunged into darkness.

Helen gave a sudden scream as she came out of character.

Outside in the lounge Dean asked exasperatedly "Now what?"

"The instructions did not say anything about this being murder in the dark" Paul exclaimed.

"Since it is only about 11 in the morning it is hardly dark" Elizabeth reminded everyone, particularly making a stab at Paul.

Stuart checked the kitchen and discovered the power was off there. Even the light on the button to the diary room was out.

"Looks like a total power failure" he told the rest of the group.

"I remember on my travels through china" Elizabeth started.

"That reminds me of the time" Paul butted in as he started on one of his long annecdotes

Meanwhile the diary room was still in darkness. Penny and Helen groped for the door, but found it was locked shut. The door was on special lock, and only the controllers could open it with the electromagnetic opening mechanism. A button to exit was included on the inside, but without power the two women were locked in the diary room.

To scream for help would be pointless as the room was sound proof.

"I don't like this" Helen whailed. :bawling:

"It's ok sweetheart" Penny told her trying to be reassuring "It's just a powercut, they will get the back up generators on in a few minutes".

Then they heard a banging noise from the other diary room door behind them, the one to the outside world. Suddenly it burst open...

… and in came a technician with a flashlight.

‘Oooh, What’s happening’ shrieked Helen, clinging on to Penny’s arm. ‘Who are you?’

‘I’m not supposed to talk to you love,’ the technician said, ‘but I can tell you we’ve had a bit of a power failure, some idiot in the control room switched the wrong switch’.

‘Like when we almost heard Brian giving his nominations,’ giggled Helen, ‘Oooh, that was awful that was.’

‘Yeah,’’ only this is worse the whole damn lots gone down, ‘won’t take a minute though.’

He walked over to a panel on the wall, usually just out of camera range and started fiddling with a few switches. Suddenly, the lights flashed and came back on again and the diary room flew open.

‘Thank you so much.’ Penny said to the technician.

‘No problem,’ he said and disappeared back through the other door into the camera run.

Dean poked his head around the door.

‘Everything alright ladies? What was all that about?’

Penny, returning to character said in a very haughty voice.

‘Just a little power cut. Jenkins my man, go and bring myself and the good Inspector here some Tea.’

Dean laughed, ‘Yes Ma’am’ he said doffing an imaginery cap, ‘I’ll get Miss Prissy the cook onto it right away.’

Helen and Penny sat back down and Inspector Bravo recommenced her line of questioning.

‘You were about to tell me who left the den just before Bubble the chauffeur.

‘Ah yes,’ said Penny it was………..

'Was it really?' said Inspector Bravo. 'Alright. Thank you for your time Miss Fortescue. That is very interesting. You may go now, but I must warn you, don't leave the house, I may need to speak to you again later.'

'Am I under suspicion Inspector?' asked Penelope, clutching her hands to her bosom nervously.

'Everyone is a suspect until this case is solved. So please stay where I can reach you', replied the Inspector.

'Oh alright, I won't. Hang on, oh dear, silly me, I can't go anywhere can I?' said Miss Fortescue, looking momentarily concerned until she looked up and saw Inspector Bravo was grinning broadly at her.

'Can you ask Miss Pauline Fortescue to come when you go please?' she asked.

'Of course I will H, I mean Inspector!' said Penny, leaving and pulling the door to behind her.

‘Oh, dear. She’s very serious. I don’t think she believed me at all!’ said Penny, as she walked back into the lounge.

‘Get a grip Penny, it’s just a game!’ said Bubble.

‘I, yes, yes, I know, I have to keep reminding myself. It’s all very bewildering though isn’t Paul, don’t you think?’ said Penny, putting her arms around him and squeezing him close.

‘Unhand me, Aunt Penelope!’ he cried in falsetto, then clearing his throat, and much more deeply, ‘Is she alright in there?’

‘Oh, sorry Paul –ine, yes, yes she’s fine. Don’t worry about her. You are a little love aren’t you, worrying about H all the time? She wants you to go in to see her now’, replied Penny.

‘What, as me or Pauline?’

‘Oh, Pauline I think. I’m not sure…yes, she asked for Pauline!’ said Penny,
relieved to have remembered it at last.

‘Tell me Narinder, do you think penny is loosing it again?’ whispered Brian.

‘I don’t know about that, but Paul is certainly enjoying this dressing up again. He’s been through half my wardrobe. He only picked that one because he thinks it goes with his eyes!’ , she replied conspiratorially.

‘Well, it does, actually….’, said Brian pensively, staring as Paul checked himself over again in the mirror before going into the Diary Room.

‘Oh, No! Brian Dowling! I do believe you have a soft spot for him!’, screamed Narinder.

‘I do not have a soft spot for Paul Clarke! shouted Brian, just as Paul disappeared inside and the door closed behind him.

‘What’s this Brian? Got the hot’s for old Paul have you?’ said Bubble, continuing the torment.

‘Oh as if! Please. Give me some credit for taste, really!’ said Brian, his discomfiture heightened by the fact he had blushed violently.

‘Never mind mate, I’ve been in here too long, and even I find him attractive in that dress as well. It’s more his colour than yours Narinder’.

‘How dare you, I think I look much better in that dress!’ said Narinder, adamantly.

‘Yeah? Well I think you look better out of it, ding-dong! Thank you very much!’ said Bubble, bowing to imaginary applause.

Meanwhile, back in the Diary Room:

'Thankyou for coming to see me. Just sit down will you?’ said the Inspector. 'Let us just wait for the door to close properly. Good!’
she said, before carefully placing her pen down beside the pad. Paul/ine tried to casually glance at what was written, but could not quite make it out.

'Nothing written there is of any interest to you, Miss Fortescue!' she said sternly, rising to her feet.

'Am I in some kind of trouble Inspector? And please, call me Pauline!'

'If you wish, but please be warned. None of your feminine wiles will work with me. I am an officer of the law and above such things!' she said forcefully. 'And yes, Pauline, I have to say I think you are in trouble!'

'Why's that then? Please tell me, because I am anxious to help you in any way I can with your enquiries!' said Pauline.

'That is good, but you may wish to note that everything you say will be taken down and may be given in evidence.' said the Inspector.

'Ok, yeah, I get it 'Inspector'!' said Paul/ine, smiling warily, and looking around as the Inspector walked behind him.

'Take that smirk off your face. I can already say that you are guilty of a terrible crime’, said the Inspector gravely.

'Oh dear, what is that?' asked Paul/ine

'Your bra strap is showing, and your eye-shadow clashes with your lip-gloss, terrible!' came the reply.

'What would you suggest then ‘inspector’?', asked Paul/ine, coquettishly fluttering his eyelashes at her.

'I suggest', said the Inspector, plonking herself squarely on his lap, 'I suggest that you give me a kiss and a nice big hug!'

'Inspector!' said Paul/ine, 'Is this in the Scotland Yard handbook? I feel there are certain irregularities in your conduct. I know my rights! What about the Geneva Convention?'

'Shut up and hold me Mr Clarke!’ she said.

'You cruel swine. I think I’m gonna need Amnesty International. This is psychological torture! Help!' he whispered quietly as they slipped from the chair on to the floor.


Some time later, Jenkins the butler reluctantly left his fascinating conversation with Miss Prissy about the demise of cottage industry in the Falklands to answer the imperious 'air' bell that the grieving widow, Mrs Fortescue was tinkling so vigorously.

'You rang Ma’am?’ he enquired politely, having paused on his way to fold the tea towel across his arm. He thought this was a nice zany touch.
He didn't intend to leave the house labelled as boring this time around.

'Ah, Jenkins. Do you know where my daughter is?'

'I believe she is still with the Inspector, Ma’am,' answered Jenkins.

'It seems that his/her, oh, sod this, THEIR baby needs a nappy change, and I'm sorry, this is absolutely stupid. Get them out of there! They've been in there for ages. She can't still be answering questions can she?'

'I wouldn't care to speculate Ma'am' said Jenkins, inscrutably. 'Ah, excuse me, I believe the door is opening now'. He gestured elegantly toward the diary room, and everyone turned to see Paul/ine half walk, half fall out of the door.

'Mmmm', said the chauffeur smiling cheekily, 'I hope you've had your particulars taken down then, if you know what I'm saying!'

'Well and truly mate, well and...Oh, sorry! Please don't be so impertinent. Go and bring round the Bentley immediately' answered Pauline.

'Yeah, alright mate, if you say so!' said Bubble, shuffling off for a lie down on his bed.

'That man will HAVE to go!' said Mrs Fortescue. 'So common!'

'Alright everybody, let's get on with it!' said Inspector Bravo, standing at the Diary room door, pausing at the mirror to put a few finishing touches to her hair.

'Why Inspector!' said Mrs Fortescue, clasping a black handkerchief dramatically to her cheek. 'You look as if you may have had a breakthrough, or even an epiphany. Have you made some progress?'

'I don’t know what an epiphany is, but I think I have made some progress, if that’s what you mean’, replied the Inspector, looking across at the surreal sight of Paul/ine throwing his pearls over his shoulder whilst he changed the baby's nappy. 'I am feeling very optimistic that we can wrap this up tonight'

'Excellent!'

'Now!' said the Inspector. 'I want to see all the rest of you. Let's get on with it.' We don't have that much time left'.

'Whose fault is THAT, I wonder?' said the Reverend, looking pointedly at Paul/ine.

'It was an essential part of the investigation, I can assure you!' said the Inspector. 'Now come along, Miss Prissy, please join me'. Miss Prissy raised her eyebrow sardonically and sighed as she walked across.

Two hours later the last suspect left the diary room.

After a short interlude, the diary room re-opened, and Inspector Bravo emerged.

'I am happy to tell you that I have solved the case!' she announced.
'However, it is so late, and I need to feed Bowden, that I suggest we all go to bed now. I would like us all to meet up here at 8.30 tomorrow morning. Then I will reveal who is responsible for Mr Fortescue's death!'

'Seems fair' said Jenkins. The others mumbled their agreement with the idea and started to make their way out of the lounge.

'Oh dear' said Aunt Penelope. 'Will we be safe? I mean there is a murderer amongst us!'

'I think we can all sleep safely in our beds tonight' said the Inspector reassuringly.

'Don't count on that!' said Stuart, pinching Paul/ine's bottom and causing him/her to jump a mile

'Leave it out Stuart!' he responded

'Now then, that's no way to talk to your boyfriend! Do I take it that I will not be welcome in your room again tonight Darling?' said Stuart.

'P*ss off! I am being sexually harassed!' said Paul/ine.

'You love it! You've been in the stables with me often enough!' shouted the chauffeur after him.

'**** off Bubble!' replied Paul/ine trying not to laugh.

'Now then that's no way for a young lady to speak!' said Mrs Fortescue.

'That is no lady, that is my husband!' replied Helen, who had taken off her hat and returned to normal. ‘I think we should all just return to being us. I will tell you everything tomorrow. Are you ready for bed love?' she asked Paul 'I know I am!’

'Yeah, come on H, let's take Bowden to the den. And NO more monkey business. You are still recovering, remember?’ said Paul.

'I don't know what you're talking about Paul Clarke, I haven’t
done nothing!'

'No, well, that Inspector Bravo took definite liberties with me'.

'Tell it to the Police Complaints Commission then matey!' said Josh, as they left the room.

‘I think I will, mate, I think I will!’ he shouted back over his shoulder as they walked across the grass to the den.


'OK everybody, let's all get to bed! We need our sleep!' said Penny, clapping her hands. 'I'll wake you all up in plenty of time,after I've cleaned out the chickens and made the bread and the porridge.

Goodnight everyone!'

The following morning, everyone was miraculously gathered in the lounge in plenty of time to hear what Inspector Bravo had deduced.

'Alright everybody!' she shouted, banging on the coffee table to get their attention. 'We haven't got long to report back to Big brother, so you'd better listen!
I am about to tell you who the murderer is.'

Her fellow housemates all sat up and listened. Despite their feigned indifference, they were all fascinated. One of them was feeling particularly uncomfortable. They could not imagine for one moment that the Inspector had seen through their testimony. Of course she hadn't! It was impossible to even consider they could be outwitted by Helen!

Paul yawned widely. The novelty of dressing up had worn somewhat thin for him. He had managed very little sleep, thanks to Bowden's infant colic. Helen had slept the sleep of the innocent and was positively bouncing with excitement. She had refused to discuss her thoughts with him about the case the previous night, and he was more than a little worried that she might have got it all wrong.

Never mind, he was sure everything would work out fine in the end, and pretty sure the Beckhams wouldn't be seen to be mean, and would donate the money anyway.

He settled Bowden gently across his shoulder, and sat back to listen.

Helen banged on the table again.

'Alright then, here we go!'

'Mr Fortescue was found in the jacuzzi at 7am yesterday morning. He had been dead for approximately 4 hours. There were no signs of violence on his body, and nothing unusual at all to note except...........'

:conf:

……….. a tiny piece of asparagus between his front teeth.

‘Now’ said Helen , pausing for dramatic effect ……….. the autopsy report revealed that Mr Fortescue was poisoned. The murderer used a type of weedkiller – I can’t pronounce the name – to do this.

Having questioned you all, I know that a few of you have had reason to come into contact with this recently. Dean the Butler, to clear away moss from the front entrance to the house. Bubble the Chauffeur to clear weeds from the drive. And Mrs Prissy the cook to tidy up her herb garden.

The three suspects glanced nervously at each other, shuffling their feet and examining their fingernails very closely.

‘Go on, H love – this is getting interesting’ said Paul

‘It’s Inspector Bravo to you’ announced Helen in her haughtiest voice, at the same time giving him a cheeky wink. OK, I shall continue’

During my investigations I also found out that the person leaving the Den with Bubble the Chauffeur was Paul/ine. They had been having a secret affair, which only Mr Fortescue and Mrs Prissy the Cook knew about. Mr Fortescue had said nothing about it as he secretly couldn’t stand Paul/ine’s boyfriend.

‘Blimey, Bubble – your taste in women has really gone downhill’ laughed Josh.

‘I am totally offended by that remark’ sniffed Stuart – ‘Paul/ine, I thought you were totally faithful to me, I’m heartbroken!’

‘Enough’ said Inspector Bravo, banging on the table again to get their attention.

‘I also found out that everyone ate the same food at supper time – fish pie followed by choc ices. However, Mr Fortescue did have a small plate of asparagus tips to accompany his pie, which he had specially asked for.

‘How long are you going to be, H?’ moaned Naz. ‘This is getting really boring now.’

‘On the contrary’ said Dean, who was quietly impressed by Helen’s powers of deduction up until now. ‘You carry on, H , er I mean Inspector – you’re doing great.’

‘Thank you Dean, my good man’ Helen smiled. ‘Right – here we go – I shall now reveal my final conclusions, and who the murderer is ………………..’

‘Unknown to everyone except Reverend Sermon, in whom he had confided, Mr Fortescue was in fact having a passionate affair with Mrs Prissy the Cook. Mrs Prissy had begged Mr Fortescue to leave Mrs Fortescue and run away with her to a remote island where no-one wore any clothes and there was no alcohol, but he had refused to do this. In a jealous rage, Mrs Prissy laced the portion of asparagus (which she knew was his favourite vegetable) with weedkiller, which Mr Fortescue then ate at supper. Several hours later he awoke feeling unwell, went outside for some fresh air, and collapsed and died in the jacuzzi!

There! So your murderer is MRS PRISSY THE COOK!’ Helen announced – pointing at Elizabeth and bouncing up and down with excitement.

Elizabeth’s face flushed scarlet and she spluttered ‘But how on earth …… I don’t believe it ……. not Helen ……. there must be some mistake …….

‘But is she right then Elizabeth?’ asked Amma – ‘Go on tell us and put us out of our misery’.

Just at that moment, Big Brother’s voice boomed out:

‘This is Big Brother. I am delighted to tell you that Inspector Bravo’s conclusion is absolutely correct. Mr Fortescue was poisoned by Mrs Prissy the Cook in the dining room. Well done Helen! This means that the Beckhams will donate &pound;100,000 to your favourite charities.’

‘H, babe, that was absolutely blinding! Absolutely double fantastic’ enthused Paul, bounding across the room with Bowden to give Helen a huge hug. ‘That’ll show everyone you’re not just a dizzy blonde hairdresser, wont it’ he said proudly. Then he whispered in her ear. ‘But of course I’ve known for quite a while that you have many hidden talents, haven’t I?’

‘Paul Clarke!’ Helen exclaimed as she tried to keep a straight face ‘I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about!’

The others gathered round the happy family to pass on their congratulations to Helen, all except Elizabeth who was still rooted to the spot muttering to herself …. ‘I don’t believe it …. How could she have known? ……

‘Right – that was fun’ said Brian – I’m off outside now to sunbathe.’ ‘Good idea mate, Josh and I need to do some topping up on our tans – let’s go’ said Stuart.

Everyone trooped off to the garden, except for Helen and Penny. ‘Well done, H’ said Penny ‘that really took some of them by surprise, didn’t it – they deserved to be taken down a peg or two.’

‘Sure did – Naz won’t be able to call me a dizzy little bitch again, will she?’ replied Helen. Then she whispered to Penny ‘Wasn’t it good of that nice young chap who fixed the lights in the diary room to tell me about the clues that he’d read on the piece of paper in Big Brother’s office!!! Aw, love im!’

‘It certainly was, you little love’ grinned Penny. ‘...... and if you don’t tell them, I won’t either’.

Meanwhile, out in the garden .................................

a swarm of bees decended on the garden around the den. :shocked:

The bigbrother announcer tannoy ordered the housemates back into the house until a beekeeper could be called.

So in they trooped, apart from Helen who raced in like a shot.

Elizabeth closed the doors while Dean made sure the windows were closed.

----

In the control room the duty supervisor finished telephoning a local beekeeper. "It seems like one darn thing after another"

"What now ?" asked one of his technicians

"From the description of the Bees, they are North African Honey bees - Three stings and your a gonner, if I heard him right. They have been coming up into Europe thanks to global warming, or something like that"

"When will they get here"

"Tomorrow, when they have the right equipment"

"WHAT???" said the technician with incredulity "Ring up another Bee Keeper"

"They say they are the only ones authorised and qualified to handle this job" The duty supervisor said in exasperation "The housemates will just have to stay inside until then" he added

"Sir that may not be possible" said another technician

"Why ?"

"Camera run 2 which is unmanned, I have just noticed a small electrical fire, it seems to be taking hold"

--------------

"Can you smell burning" Ama asked Penny

Penny sniffed a bit "Yes, Yes I can it is coming from behind that mirror" As she wandered across to the mirror, it cracked with a loud noise. faint wisp of smoke started to come from its surrounds.

"OH MY GOD!!!!" Yelled Helen.

"Get some water" yelled Narinda

Dean sniffed at the smoke. "NO " he yelled, "It's an electrical fire"

----------------

In the control room the duty supervisor was looking at the sudden growth of the fire. He then looked at the cameras outside the front door. Several of the North African Honey bees were hanging around it as well as flooding the garden.

The first technician looked up at him. "That fire has taken hold, the camera crew have just been driven back by the smoke we have to evacuate"

"But" said the other technician "If they go out the bees will attack, from what I have read they are aggressive"

The first technician turned to the supervisor "We are running out of time sir, what do we tell them ?......