ThisisBigBrother.com - UK TV Forums - Nicolo Festa Reviewing this weeks single releases :D

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zee (Post 3931399)

Every time I open the link it crashes my browser, I really want to read what he said!

Remember Nicolo Festa, the bitchy Italian hipster who was cruelly booted out after the first live edition of The X Factor? Well he’s taken over Vice Singles Club this week. I don’t know whether to worry about him after reading these. The Grinderman review is particularly perverse and after his review of the new X Factor charity song, I can’t imagine Simon Cowell will be calling him back for The X Factor tour. Anyway, thanks Nicolo! You’re a funny guy who ****ing hates modern pop.

Over to Nicolo:

ALICIA KEYS
Wait Til You See My Smile
J Records
Let’s just say that if Disney ever decide to make a homoerotic sequel to Tarzan they MUST use this song in the scene where he and a platinum-wigged King Kong run down a swamp holding hands splashing water around them. It’s the only way this song could work (fingers crossed).
0

BEADY EYE
Bring The Light
Beady Eye Records
I had such high expectations with Beady Eye. I guess some might find it great for reminiscing sessions, but to me it just sounds like a mash up of “You Never Can Tell” and “Grease Lightning”. Which is inexcusable. I’ll be waiting for the next one.
2

BIFFY CLYRO
Booooom Blast & Ruin
14th Floor Records
I really can’t be harsh with these guys as I have a lot of respect for them. However, I’m not a fan of their music and I hate this song so much I risked an embolism while listening to it. I would have loved it had I been 13 though, unfortunately it’s 2010 now and this world is not a happy place.
1

BOYS LIKE GIRLS
Heart Heart Heartbreak
Columbia Records
After I pressed play I closed my eyes. Across my mind two things flashed intermittently like Christmas lights: Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life” and epilepsy. Wait! I see more: American Pie and sexual dysfunction! When I opened my eyes, what I saw in the video eternalized my visions. Rubbing these guys’ vocal chords with gunpowder is now the first entry on my bucket list.
0

DAVID GUETTA
Who’s That Chick feat. Rihanna
Gum Prod/Virgin
I was wondering when David Guetta would bless our existence with yet another instrumentally constipated ****** song. First he got Kelly Rowland to scream into my ear and now it’s Rihanna’s baritone voice telling me she wants to dance “cause she doesn’t care”. Everyone wants to dance, doll, I just wish you’d cared enough to take singing lessons .
0

DUFFY
Well Well Well
Polydor
The song begins with “Whale, whale, whale” and sure enough her calves at the beginning of the video do remind me of cetaceans. I always thought of Duffy as a less pretty and definitely less talented Kristin Chenowet and I don’t really know how to compliment this song. So I won’t. NEXT .
0

GORILLAZ
Doncamatic feat. Daley
Parlophone
As soon as I hear the Super Mario intro I had a convulsion that almost made me pour Listerine in my eyes. What followed, to my great surprise, delivered me into a state of mild awe. I love this song because it reminds me of the mid-nineties (it’s basically a 90’s song let’s face it). That was the happiest period of my life, I had all I wanted (except a sex life and the house from Blank Check).
9

GRINDERMAN
Worm Tamer
Mute
Instructions for use: change your bathroom’s light bulb to a blue one, soak your feet in frozen water and stick a wad of cotton under your tongue. I’m a tough one so I’ll toss my hair dryer in the bathtub. Nothing. All I got was a light headache and an empty stomach.
1

MASSIVE ATTACK
Atlas Air
Virgin
Given the history of Massive Attack I predicted the song would be Batman-esque and a little repetitive. Tadaaa! I’d be an idiot if I said it was horrible; granted I wouldn’t listen to it while sober, but hey you can’t have it all. The song is a little bit of a wet blanket though, the first 20 seconds were absolutely incredible and then… nothing.
4

OLLY MURS
Thinking of Me
Epic
Olly Murs, aka human equivalent of Snow White’s Dopey has struck again. In this video a he plays a singer, a footballer, a dancer, and acrobat and an ice-cream man. In his next videos we’ll see him picking up daisies, then horse riding blindfolded, and the next day his autobiography will be sitting at the till at HMV. Dear Mr Murs, please decide what you want to be already. Do one thing, try to do it well, and please let that not be music. Because one Jason Mraz is enough.
0

THE X FACTOR: THE FINALISTS 2010
Heroes
Syco
The world has been waiting with bated breath for THE moment of the year. Forget the Grammys, the Oscars and the Jubilee; The X Factor charity single is out. I really don’t know what to say. Personally I find the whole thing ignominious and I’d expect the Thin White Duke to chop his balls off after hearing it. However, the gun pointed at my balls right now though is telling me that I thoroughly enjoyed it. So yeah… I’m undecided.
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