Zee presents to you: a 30 song crank playlist
 

Crank - "to cry and wank. after one has encountered an unfortunate incident in which they are forced to cry they go away to wank and cry at the same time."

Have you ever experienced the pure misery of crying your eyes out while touching yourself down there? Fear not, over the course of a few posts, I am going to present to you the perfect* playlist to act as the soundtrack to your double dose of shame. I've picked some mainstream artists but not always their saddest song, just to spice things up a little. Happy(?) cranking!

*i.e. the saddest songs on my iPod playlist.

I cannot wait to crank dat.

:amazed:

That's weird. Reminds me of the scene from AHS.

#30 - Nat King Cole - Unforgettable

Recently been dumped? Thought they were the one? Reminiscing (with your genitals in hand) about all the sweet nothings they once said to you? Why not let crooner Nat remind you of all the things you don't have anymore!



#29 - Ellie Goulding - Figure 8

Did someone promise you the world? Did they just keep leading you on until you couldn't take it anymore? Ellie Goulding sings the broken hearted psycho ex anthem for a generation, and possibly sits outside Skrillex's house at night listening to this on repeat. Go on, knock one out, you deserve it - I mean, no one else is going to be doing it for you anymore.



#28 - Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over

Don't dream it's over, even though it is. Just accept it. This song will talk you out of suicide but wrap you up in a big teary hug and probably allow you to get your snot all over its woolly jumper. Probably. Feeling erotic yet? I bet you are.



#27 - Shania Twain - You're Still The One

Well, not anymore they're not. But hey, it's nice to pretend. Maybe they are still the one, but they've been dating that blonde BITCH for FIFTEEN MONTHS NOW and you're totally okay with it but **** HER, **** HER!!!



#26 - James Morrison - Won't Let You Go

James Morrison invites you to take his hand and hold out, but he doesn't mean a word of it. Why else would you still be single? James doesn't care about you, no one cares about you. Go on. Cry, cry until it hurts and then cry some more.

#25 - Usher - Numb

Struggling to feel anything anymore? Of course you are, you're completely alone. Let Usher's anthem about failure and not being able to feel anything emotionally do the talking, you can do the action. Knock yourself/one out.



#24 - Blue - If You Come Back

Admit it, you asked for Christmas, you wished on stars and wish bones, you even went around lighting candles and blowing them out just so you could get another wish - a wish that they'd come back to you. They're not going to. Look at Lee Ryan's weird troll face and know it. Know it well. It's over.



#23 - Embrace - Nature's Law

You should never fight your feelings, sing Embrace. Usually, though, they're just going to be ignored. Nature's Law doesn't give a **** about you, Nature's Law is having sex with that guy you hate (he has a MUCH bigger penis than you) and doesn't even remember your name. Embrace THAT.



#22 - Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting

"Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you" - wait all you like, they're never coming back. God, you're pathetic. Look at you. Dick in hand, eyes barely able to see the sorry state of yourself in that mirror on your wall. Oh yeah, I know you're looking. Bleak.



#21 - Christina Perri - Jar Of Hearts

Oh you poor little wounded lamb. You didn't seem all that heartbroken when you were getting icing on that little slice of yours, did you? Get a ****ing grip! The only one relishing in your pain is YOU! PULL YOUR ****ING PANTS UP!

I have no idea what's going on but I'm certainly not masturbating to Blue if that's what you're thinking.

OMFG NATURES LAW :love:

#20 - Busted - Sleeping With The Light On

Mourning the loss of a love gone by? Did you know Charlie walked out on Busted just like the girl in this song? D'you know why that is? It's because James and Matt are as pathetic as you.



#19 - Adele - Make You Feel My Love

Like every other single person in the world, Adele is just saying these things to trick losers like you into sleeping with her. She'll leave you too. There's nothing about you that would make anyone stay. You have **** tits.



#18 - Shakira - The One

Shakira's singing about "the one" for her. Maybe you think it's about you, or maybe you think it could almost have been written about the person you love. Either way, you're totally wrong and I bet you're secretly loving this humiliation, aren't you? Slut.



#17 - Elkie Brooks - Don't Cry Out Loud

It's in the song title. Don't cry out loud. You're feeling pretty turned on by the idea of disobeying the command, aren't you? You're a freak. An absolute freak. Your eyes have gone that weird puffy red colour and you're doing that breathing thing that every hysterical crying person does, and I just want you to know that it's really unattractive.



#16 - Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone

They're gone. In the video, it's because they've died, but in your case, it was just your really horrible personality that caused them to leave. See that old man sniffing his dead wife's dress? That's endearing, because they were together for a long time and he misses her. When you do it, it's ****ing creepy. Wash your bedsheets, it's been two months, for the love of God. That's not them you can smell, that's your own poor hygiene. Is that DORITO'S DUST ON YOUR PILLOW?!

#15 - Boyz II Men - End Of The Road

If you need a vocal harmony group to gently break it to you that it's over, then here you go. Maybe go a little easier on yourself down there for a while and focus more on the crying. Maybe get a grip. :conf:



#14 - Keane - Bedshaped

Don't laugh at me, you wail along in weird erotic euphoria, as Keane moan their way through being ridiculed, probably for foolishly asking someone out on Valentine's Day when they're a 7/10 and you're only a 3.



#13 - U2 - All I Want Is You

Bono only wants you, and if that's not terrifying enough to bring you to climax, then I don't know what will. Actually, I do, the next 12 songs will. Still, you say you want a bunch of stuff and Bono's just doing the best he can, alright?



#12 - Jimmy Eat World - Drugs Or Me

This woe filled track discusses losing a loved one to drugs, or in your case, losing a loved one because you're terrible to be around and you're a bad kisser. But it's probably easier for you to pretend like it was drugs that took them away from you, and not face the very real reality that you caused this person to turn to heroin in order to escape from your frightening tongue.



#11 - Girls Aloud - I'll Stand By You

You're in bed. Maybe you're not over your ex. I know it's been two years, but you've only gotten uglier and fatter while they've gone from strength to attractive strength. They're probably dating someone who doesn't accidentally spit when they talk sometimes. You've bought a cat. It's not that keen on you, it stays outside quite a lot. But tonight, it's sitting on your bed, letting you cry into its soft fur. You screech "I'll stand by you" at it, it looks at you with a look of pain and bewilderment etched on its little feline face. You're ruining this cat's life.

#10 - Goldfrapp - A&E

Ever hospitalised yourself out of psycho ex grief? You might at the rate you're going to town on yourself, slow down there buddy, do Pam and her five friends all really need to be down there? If you're feeling lonely, feeling blue, feeling like I needed you, for the love of God turn your phone off and go to bed. Get help.



#9 - Britney Spears - Everytime

Ah, suicide in the bath. Do you know what that helps? **** all. Do you know what that tells people? You're a drama queen and it's no wonder you got dumped. You're not sorry, you're feeling sorry for yourself that you're sad. If Britney can make it through 2007, you can make it through today.



#8 - Nina Simone - I Get Along Without You Very Well

Nina Simone doing that thing where you tell everyone you're fine but actually you can't stop thinking about your ex and you're actually not fine and you wish somebody would notice and actually loads of people notice and they actually do ask you if you're okay and you say you are and that's why no one asks again because WHY THE **** ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF? YOU'RE NOT OKAY! That's quite an impressive lady boner you have there, I can see it through your tear stained pants.



#7 - Oh Laura - Release Me

Your ex probably sent you this song in the hope that you'd take the hint. Let it go, for the love of God. The ship has sailed. The tide has gone out. The fire has extinguished. You are single, get a clue. Stop threatening to kill yourself so they'll answer the phone to you. Ain't nobody got time for that.



#6 - Damien Rice - Elephant

Damien's expressing the very core value of the crank here - being really sad about an ex you can't get over and being really horny but not being able to get under someone else. Why did you have to lie? Why did you do that to poor Damien? You're feeling awful for breaking his little heart, aren't you? Awfully SEXUAL, that is. Look at you, getting off on his grief. You're wrong in the head.

These write-ups :love::love::love::love::love:

Are you bored Zee? This is a strange hobby.

#5 - David Gray - This Year's Love

Unlucky in love? Hopeless romantic? Yeah there's a reason hopeless is in the title. This year's love isn't going to last because you're still deeply flawed, just like last time. Maybe if you spent more time working on yourself instead of crying over a tuna mayonnaise sandwich in the middle of a crowded shopping centre while listening to this song, you'd get it right.



#4 - Faith Hill - There You'll Be

Looking back on your past and feeling a bit sad? Let Faith take you there, where you'll be. Oh, what's that? You've just got to the chorus and now you're sobbing mercilessly? Yeah, she'll do that to you. You're probably not even sad about anything, you're just bawling your eyes out for no reason. Did you forget to give your mum a hug this morning? You've suddenly remembered that you didn't, and now you feel like that's the reason you're upset. Throbbing members.



#3 - Christina Aguilera - Hurt

You're just a disappointment to everyone around you. You blitzed your way through life hurting the feelings of your nearest and dearest, and now they're not here to apologise. Okay, maybe they're just down at the supermarket, but you're SORRY FOR, BLAAAAMING YOUUUUU and oh look at that you've got to change your pants. You're now facing a lifetime of weird boners every time you go to the circus.



#2 - Snow Patrol - Open Your Eyes

Is this song about begging someone to open their eyes because they've died? I'm not really sure, I've always imagined it is, I'm too busy irrigating crops with my tears to listen properly. But Gary sings something about "I won't waste a minute without you" and I'm almost certain that's a reference to having a cry wank the second you're out of the house.



#1 - Sia - Breathe Me

The ultimate cry wank song. You can feel the erotica in the piano chords. You can hear someone turning a key in the lock of the front door of the house, but you're so close to climax. You're waiting for that big drum crashing crescendo and then Sia's voice to go "uuunnnnbreeaaaaathe meeeee" and hoping to God nobody will walk in on you. I'm not sure anybody even knows what she's singing about in this song, something about ****ing up and being small and needy. That's probably why you're listening to it. Like attracts like. You've actually got friction burns down there. You're probably going to walk funnily for the next two days. Your eyes are almost as swollen as what's in your pants. Your fingers are calloused and your speakers are pounding almost as hard as you are on yourself. Sia asks you to be her friend, you're not willing to settle for the friend zone, she's small and needy, there's that weird glockenspiel thing going on, you can feel it about to happen, OH. GOD. ALMIGHTY.

Thank you all for a very weird hour. Join me next time when I'll be presenting "10 songs to listen to when you're kind of bored but not bored enough to do things like your online banking or cleaning"

these better not be in order otherwise you lost me at Nat King Cole being lower than Ellie Goulding