A website that gives sex advice to married Christians argues that women can never give their spouses “a flat no” when asked for sex because “her body does belong to her husband.”
The anonymous founder of the Biblical Gender Roles website, who says he is a white male in his 40s, came under fire earlier this month after he wrote an article titled, “Is a husband selfish for having sex with his wife when she is not the mood?”
“Feminists and even some women who would not consider themselves feminists believe it is selfish for a man to have sex with his wife, knowing she is not in the mood,” the writer explains. “In fact some claim if a man has sex with his wife when she is not the mood this is rape… Here we will try to answer this very important question, from a Biblical perspective.”
Although the author insists that he would not advocate “for a husband to force himself physically upon his wife,” he says that “a Christian wife should never give her husband a flat no, BUT she can humbly and gently ask for a delay.”
And any request for a delay “must be done humbly and respectfully, and always with the attitude in mind that her body does belong to her husband.”
A “wife does not have the right to stand and deny her husband access to her body,” he writes, adding that she can ask for a delay with a “legitimate” reason, but “the judge of what is legitimate or not is her husband.”
“But I will say this, despite American laws to the contrary, Biblically speaking, there is no such thing as ‘marital rape,'” the writer continues. “In the Scriptures, the only way rape occurs is if a man forces himself on a woman who is not his property (not his wife, or concubine). A man’s wives, his concubines (slave wives taken as captives of war or bought) could be made to have sex with him, no questions asked.”
“I realize this entire scenario is appalling to our modern western notions, but I choose to not challenge God’s wisdom in the laws he gave. If you want to argue with God about this at the judgement, be my guest.”
But what if she’s not in the mood and the husband wants to have sex anyway? Biblical Gender Roles has the answer.
“When a woman desires to have sex with a man, her vagina will start to lubricate itself in anticipation of intercourse. If there is no desire, then there is no lubrication and therefore if she is not in the mood she will automatically have dry and painful intercourse,” he observes. “He ought to use foreplay and touch various parts of her body and massage her in an attempt to relax her. He could also use oral sex as a way to help her get lubricated, and if that is not working use an artificial lubricant to help.”
“There are ways to make sure a woman is sufficiently lubricated, even if she is not in the mood for sex.”
As for wives who like a little conversation before sex, Biblical Gender Roles says that women need to be sensitive to men who don’t feel like talking.
“But wives need also to understand that sometimes a man has a rough day, and all he wants to do is have sex and forget his troubles, he does not want to talk about it,” the website advises. “Your wife needs to respect this, and should not ALWAYS insist that you have to first connect verbally, she also should try to see sex from your perspective too – that sometimes you won’t be ready to talk until after you have had sex.”
Daylight Atheism blogger Adam Lee pointed out that the Biblical Gender Values author was applying biblical standards about rape and marriage to a world where women were no longer considered property.
“If BGR says he doesn’t endorse violence or rape, that’s only because moral progress has influenced his thinking to the point where he glimpses, dimly, the awfulness of the belief system he professes,” Lee noted. “But it hasn’t influenced him enough for him to do the right thing and reject it entirely as the misogynist atrocity it is.”
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