[Ross]

Dear Lauren,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I’m joining the Convent. I think I realized it when you farted in the bathtub under a street light and I saw you ignore the Catholic Priest.
I'm sure you're middle-class enough to understand that you need a sex-change.
I'm returning the couch cushions to you, but I'll keep your mum as a memory.
You should also know that I get sick when I think of your feet and I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon.

Kiss my butt,
Ross.