[Matt]

OK, here it is:

Week 1
Big Brother launches on a Friday night, with 15 housemates entering the house.

One housemate is called to the Diary Room at the end of the launch show. This housemate is told that on Monday, something will happen in which the housemates will lose a lot of supplies. That person is then given a secret mission to keep back some supplies from their basic (£1 per head per day) shopping budget from the first two days to help their forthcoming loss. They are told that they are forbidden from disclosing any of the information discussed in the Diary Room with other housemates, and if they do, or a housemate rumbles them, then they are automatically up for eviction.

The next day, the housemates gather in the living room at Big Brother’s command and are shocked when, once gathered, he tells them they must make nominations based on their first impressions of each other. They are then called one by one to The Diary Room to make their nominations. They are told to only nominate one person each, and that they have only 30 seconds to state their reasons.

Later on that night, the first live Leisure Area Access Task airs. Davina, having presented 45 minutes of Big Brother highlights, cuts to the house.

The house is then played clips of the nominations the housemates made earlier on. When the clips have finished airing, Big Brother announces the two or more housemates up for eviction, and then calls these housemates to the Diary Room. Whilst this is being shown on the living room plasma screen, Big Brother tells the housemates in the Diary Room that the nominations were a hoax, and that the housemates that were nominated for eviction were actually nominated for exclusive use of the leisure area. The live show ends.

On the Monday, the housemates are woken with jungle-style music. The housemates are called to the kitchen, where they are told a continental breakfast had been prepared for them. They are told that they have 1 minute to get there before the food is gone. Naturally, they all rush off there. When they get to the kitchen, the blinds go down, and the house is decorated for the task.

The first weekly shopping task is named ‘Survival’. For the duration of this task, the housemates will have to find everything they need to survive hidden around the house. The beds have been removed from the bedroom, and so have all the housemates’ clothes, which means they will have to survive in what they woke up in. Tents and sleeping bags have been hidden in the house for sleeping in. The sofas in the living room have been replaced with logs, and the pool has been turned into a swamp. The house has been densely covered in bushes and trees. The Diary Room is out of bounds for the duration of the task, unless called there by Big Brother, as well as the sauna, gym, and the bathroom. The swamp is available to all housemates for this task.

The blinds go up in the kitchen, the housemates are called to the living room and are explained the task (whilst the kitchen and dining area undergoes a jungle themed makeover).

Once the kitchen has been made over, the housemate set the secret mission on launch night is called to the Diary Room, and is told that the mission is over and they are free to discuss it at their will. The other housemates remain in the living room.

Then the housemates awarded pool access on the previous Saturday are called to the Diary Room and appear on the living room plasma screen. They are told that as they won Saturday’s ‘task’, they are being awarded a stay in Big Brother’s Holiday Home, located off the Diary Room in a house-next-door style. They are immune from the task and all the task rules (e.g. they can use the Diary Room as they please). They are then told to leave the Diary Room through a secret door, and do not reappear until the task is over.

For the duration of the task, housemates must find all they need to survive hidden around the house in secret areas. Sometimes Big Brother will give clues, sometimes he won’t. Two food packages and one ‘Bonus’ package are hid in the house every day. On day one, the bonus package will be sleeping bags/tents, on day two, it will be a secret shower, and on day three, it will be an extra special food package.

When the task concludes on the Wednesday, all the housemates (except those in Big Brother’s Holiday Home) are called to the living room, and are told if they have passed or failed. Every package the housemates don’t manage to find is counted as a fail. Housemates are permitted three fails. The inhabitants of Big Brother’s Holiday Home watch on a plasma screen. In the event of a pass, all housemates are awarded a jungle themed party. There is also the usual shopping budget prize. The ‘holidaymakers’ rejoin the house and regain exclusive swimming pool access.

Nominations take place as usual on Tuesday, from both the jungle and the holiday home, and an eviction takes place as usual on Friday.

There, I think it's lame, but what do you think?