[chuff me dizzy]

Gathering storm
Scholars pick up odd subjects for research: the oddest I have ever heard of is the incidence of flatulence: what causes it; what are its constituents and risks involved in exposing oneself to it. One such field survey has been recently carried out, appropriately in the region popularly called the underside of the earth, that is, Australia and New Zealand.

Breaking wind, or farting as it is commonly known, is too delicate a subject to be discussed in polite society. Nevertheless, our Sanskrit-speaking ancestors drew up a list of their varieties from uttam padvi (the best kind) to gupt daan (silent, stinking gift). Arabs regarded it as a social sin and ostracized men and women who did it in public. On the other hand, there was a Frenchman who made his living blowing off a candle from a foot's distance by a violent expulsion of wind from his derriere.

A newspaper clipping from an Australian daily sent to me by a friend living there summarizes his findings. Both men and women break wind on an average of 14 times in 24 hours; wind-producing foods include beans, cabbage, cheese, eggs and fizzy drinks; a fart comprises 59 per cent nitrogen, 20 per cent hydrogen, 9 per cent carbon dioxide, 7 per cent methane and 4 per cent oxygen. They can travel at a speed of three metres per second. What makes some farts stink is hydrogen sulphide, which contains sulphur and is less than 1 per cent of its constituents. It is believed to be inflammable. Research scholars are testing it by putting match sticks close to their rectum. Setting one's bum on fire is a small price to pay for discovering the truth.