[Kate!]

Except there's nowhere to run to and I shouldn't feel this way because my homelife is fine honestly.

I turned a corner last year, kicked a serious gambling habit and healed my relationship. I've got good things going for me and I don't know why I'm feeling this way.

I'm physically and mentally shattered right now though. I full time run a home, take care of my partners mum and I've got a very demanding forum game ongoing which I'm aware I'm taking too seriously and expecting too much of people instead of letting myself enjoy it but my point of view is valid, I feel partially that I've wasted my time as half the housemates have walked and the rest well I spend hours pming everyone and creating threads and trying to help if they are struggling and the game should've been a rip roaring success and it just hasn't been. I've fallen out with Benjamin, nearly lost Maru's friendship, had a blazing row with my forum bestie Vanessa, upset Ammi today. I'm biting my tongue so hard because the housemates aren't engaging with me, to be fair that's me again expecting too much. I think for my own sake I can't do this again. Maybe a tamer game. Josiah, ahh wonderful Josiah has been a rock. I want to be like him, like Ammi. They both are so comfortable in their own skin. I might seem confident on here. I'm utterly not.

Next I'll get slaughtered and accused of playing the victim card by a certain minority, wait for it. I'm just up to the eyeballs with the abuse I get thrown at me. It's relentless. Fortunately the vast majority are lovely to me or I'd be out of here. Gone. I love this place. I just want to make people happy and please them. I'm a good person. I'd do anything for anyone. I make friends easily. I struggle to understand why I'm not universally liked. Lol.

I've been in bits this afternoon. Walking round the house trying to hide that I'm crying from my partner. I need a hug so bad. But I'd literally lose it and weep buckets if I got one. I need to chill out seriously.

I can see some light, the game is nearly over and maybe it was just too much for me. I'm a crazy perfectionist and I can't switch off, relax. I'm feeling better the more I write. I just want to see the game through to its natural conclusion and take a break. Play Strictly Jake's music game which I love. I'm going away with Vanessa next month overnight to Blackpool for her birthday. It cannot come quick enough. I love her. She's amazing to spend time with. I can relax in her company. She doesn't judge me, she's comforting, she says all the right things. Talks a lot of sense. If not for this forum I'd never have met her.

I'm sooooo tired. I may have an early night but knowing me I'll probably get up again and shoot the breeze half the night with Josiah over in the USA.

I didn't know where I was going with this thread, I've just let it meander along. It's like counselling. Being allowed to just talk and express myself. Sorry for the long winded post.

I think I'll stop now. I need to prepare for the game tonight. It's the final night for the housemates and we have a lovely evening planned.

Thank you anyone who's 'listened'.

Xxxx