[Amy]

DEREK Definitely my favourite housemate. He also wants to sleep with Big Brother - he'll have to get in fast, with Lesley and Sam around

MAKOSI Didn't struggle with the task of making everyone dislike her. Next week, Science will be set the task of sounding like a muppet whenever he speaks

KEMAL This year's female version of Nadia proves that Big Brother is like Oasis albums - constantly ripping itself off and living on past glories

MARY I'd like to see her witch qualifications as I'm not sure Johnny Rotten impressions with your eyes and watching a horror film once make you a witch

SAM In some quarters Sam is described as the house 'totty'. I find her about as attractive as anthrax.

Surely destined for Page 3 ignominy

MAXWELL My mum said this week that I look like Crazy Frog so I had a good look at it. While doing this, I realised the frog makes far more sense than Maxwell

LESLEY Every year Endemol spatulas some unfortunate on to our screens. This year's is especially repressed and I swear I've seen her on Trisha a dozen times

ROBERTO He reminds me of Darius and I fear he'll come out of the BB house and record a series of pre-pubescent, generic ballads for housewives

SASKIA Cheryl Tweedy's slightly less aggressive sister is coping well with her dog phobia, given the abundance of mirrors in the Big Brother house

SCIENCE With his rapping talent, he is going places - back to his mum's where he can have his old room back and be called by his real name, Nigel

VANESSA She talked the talk before she went in but now it appears that her only character trait is indeed her inability to actually talk

ANTHONY Seems he is developing a chemistry with the house trampoline Sam - just imagine the kind of children they would create. Frightening

CRAIG Clearly cry-baby Craig must have been placed in the house during a delicate time in his menstrual cycle what with all those hysterics

Article Daily Record