[Romantic Old Bird]

'Housemates' he reads

'If you look outside you will find that the tools you require for your first task have been delivered'

Everyone immediately turns towards the patio doors.

'No, pay attention all of you, we must read the instructions properly first!' chastens Stuart.

'Still a complete winker I see' whispers Penny to Brian

'Have you got something to say Penny? Would you like to share it with us all?' said Stuart.

' I thought I was the teacher here Stuart!' she replied.

'Oh my God, yer we go again!' said Helen

'I think' said Dean, languidly and obviously back on the herbal remedy, 'I think, I just think we should all just calm down. Awlriyght?'

'It's obvious that we are all under a great deal of pressure, and under the circumstances we need to establish and maintain a meaningful understanding of each other whilst celebrating the beauty of our individuality...' said Elizabeth. Her diatribe tails off as she becomes aware ten pairs of eyes looking incredulously at her.

'Or, we could just chill our boots!' said Paul.

'Exactly!' said Dean.

' Alright, this is all very heartwarming, but can we continue?' asked Stuart. 'OK, you have been provided with the component parts of a simple kit car, and a linguaphone course in German. You will therefore be surprised to find that the indtructions are in German. You have four days to decipher the instructions and construct the car.'

'That's brilliant!' said Paul. I speak German, and I know all about car components!'

'Oh Paul, you really are amazin' love, ent yew?' said H, adoringly.

'I may throw up!' said Narinder

'I think Mr Clarke senior might have called in a few favours with the film crew' whispered Amma to Stuart.

Stuart looked a little concerned. 'That's all well and good, but it is a group task, and if we have been provided with the language course, and there are after all eleven of us, we should all take part!'

'There's twelve actually Stuart!' said Helen.

'Babe, I know he's a bright little bloke, and he is a Clarke, but even then I don't think Bowden can really do much to help!' said Paul.

' He can watch though, can't he?'she said

'Course he can H, course he can!' said Paul, and the couple spontaneously hug.

' I am going to throw up! said Narinder.

'I think Helen has a point' said Brian. After all, if Bowden only watches at least he might learn something, whereas Josh will stand there and do nothing at all!. I mean, what does he know. he's not going to pick up an oily rag!'

'Brian, you don't know, I might just be very skilled with nuts and bolts and things!' said Josh

'Mmm, but we don't think so, do we children!' replied Brian

'Can I just say something?' Chirped up Bubble, who had been unusually quiet.

' Of course Bubble!' said Stuart.

'I think you should give Clarkey a chance. He's a good bloke, I have got to know him a lot better now.' said Bubble.

'And I have!' said Helen

'Yes Helen I think we know that! Anyway, it's his field of expertise. If it was teaching, it would be Penny, if it was songwriting, it'd be Dean, and if it was errrr Flamenco dancing, it would be Betty. I say give the bloke a chance. What about that?' he asked.

'He's right you know!' said Penny.

Stuart looked around and suggested a vote on it.

This was duly cast, Elizabeth and Stuart abstained, revealing a 4:4 split before Paul had cast his own vote.

'Leave me out of this I'll only be accused of rigging it!' he said.

'Well, that's fair Paul but we need a deciding vote' said Stuart 'Elizabeth, you must make a decision. Would you like Paul or myself to lead this project?'

'I think it's entirely inappropriate for me to take part in this. I mean why not ask the baby?' she said.

'Of course, Bowden!' screeched Helen. The baby grizzled in response. 'You'd like your daddy to do the car thing wouldn't you?'

Bowden looked up at the beaming face he was now beginning to recognise as his Mummy, and more importantly as his source of food. He responded with his very first smile and gurgle.

' I think that's a yes!' cooed Penny.

'That's it, I need a bowl!' shouted Narinder, rushing to the kitchen.

'OK, we've wasted enough time, Paul, the task is yours. We bow to your expertise.
Talk us through it!' said Stuart.

'Right! Great, wicked. This is what we'll do, yeah?

First, you lay out all the component parts in alphabetical order, labelling as you go. I'll just translate the instructions into English' he said excitedly and sat at the table, pencil in hand, tongue out to one side, obviously concentrating really hard.

'Look at him, little love!' said Penny. 'I just love pupils like that, they try really hard!'

'Listen Penny, I know you like Paul, but he's all mine now, OK?' said Helen

'That's alright H, I know. I realise he's not sophisticated enough for me!' said Penny

'Not like nasty Nick then penny?' said Bubblr.

' Yes well, we did have a little fling..' she replied.

' Done it!' shouted Paul jumping to his feet excitedly.

Big Brother, stunned at the speed with which he had acheived this, called him into the diary room and asked him to leave it with them whilst their German language expert checked it through.

Prof Hans Krol read it through incredulously. 'Zis is incredible!' he said.
'the boy's knowledge of the language is exceptional! And the speed wiz which he did zis! Wunderbar!'

Big brother announced to the housemates that Paul had translated with great skill, and verified that the technical data was absolutely precise.

The housemates looked at Paul, who responded by saying,

' Look, it's just something I can do, OK? No big deal. let's get on with it!'

'Oh Paul, you are amazing!' said Helen.

'You know, I actually think he might be..'
said Elizabeth

'Who'd have guessed?' said Brian and they all trooped into the garden to start assembling the car.