[Romantic Old Bird]

Elizabeth was initially rather taken aback at the prospect of leaving the house, much as she had dreaded going back in in the first place.

Then her adventurous spirit kicked in.

'Don't worry Dean' she said to her closest ally.
'I am after all, the most sensible person - as well as yourself of course - in the house. The public have obviously recognised this, and feel they can trust me with the challenge. Imagine if it had been Helen or Brian. I can do it. In fact I am honoured'.

'Are you really Elizabeth? I mean, I would be happy to do it, but as the public have chosen you, there's not much I can do about it is there? If you know what I mean'


Paul, Helen and Bowden walk over to Elizabeth as she packs her belongs carefully away.

'You alright?' asked Paul

'Of course Paul. As I said to Dean, I feel as if I have been given an accolade by the public. The have entrusted this task to me, and I will not fail', answered Elizabeth.

'I'm sure you will be amazing girl!' said Paul

'Thankyou. I am feeling quite confident. It's the adrenaline I love!'

The time speeds by, and an hour later, Elizabeth waits by the door with her suitcase.

'Big Brother house, this is Davina. Elizabeth, the public have given you the challenge of abseiling down Canary Wharf. Outside are 3 mebers of the SAS and a Chinook helicopter to take you immediately to the Tower.

What I did not tell you is that your place in the house will be taken by a celebrity, who will arrive one minute after you leave.

Say your goodbyes, I'm coming to get you!

To a chorus of boos and cheers, Elizabeth leaves the house.

'That's such a shame, poor Elizabeth'. said Brian. 'Did she cook any tea?'

'I done a brioche Brian, do you want some?'

'Of course I do!'

'I will if I may please H' said Paul, and sank his teeth happily into a large piece.

'OH MY GOD!' shouted Helen 'Look Paul, the door's opening!'

'Stand back everyone!' said Dean

'It's the celebrity!' said Narinder, preening herself and pushing through to the front

'Who is it?' asked Penny, leaning forward, as the boys stood back slightly and tried to look casual and unthreatened

'It's.........hang on, I can see someone.....yes....it's............'

'Anna Kournikova!' shouted Josh. 'Mmm, this WILL be interesting'

'Hello dear!' said Penny, grabbing the bemused Russian and giving her a hearty hug and kiss/

'We like that!' said Bubble, pushing his hat back and holding his hand out to her in greeting.

'Hello everybody! I am very happy to be here. It is nice to meet you all. But please, tell me, which one of you is this Paul Clarke? I must say hello, because Elizabeth has just told me that he really loves me, and that I am his ideal woman! Where is he please?'

A loud yelp comes from the back of the room as Paul recieves the first of many thumps from a less than thrilled Helen.

'You better go up there then. Go and see the woman of your dreams.' she shouted, as Paul looked thoroughly miserable and uncertain about what to do.

'I'm already looking at the ideal person for me Helen!' he said, attempting to hug her.

'Why, you looking in the mirror then?' she huffed, and stormed away, taking a whimpering Bowden with her.

'Well, hello, you must be Paul Clarke' said a low and sultry voice just behind the miserable lad.

'Er, yeah, Paul Clarke, that's me!' said Paul , blushing violently and spilling his tea nervously down his Legends tee shirt.

'Mmm, be careful. Legends? That's what I already heard about you. let me take that for you. Do you want me to rub you dry?'

Brian looked on incredulously and exclaimed to Narinder:
'I DO NOT BELIEVE MY EARS! What on earth do they see in him?'

Almost unnoticed, a tearful Helen slipped into the diary room.

'Hello Big Brother this is Helen. And Bowden'

Hello Helen. What can Big Brother do for you?

'I'm not happy today, I'm not.'

Big Brother is sorry to hear that Helen.

'I wanted to know why you sent her in.'

'You mean Miss Kournikova?'

'Yes, her. I wish it wasn't her'

'Why is that, Helen?'

'I think you might know why not. Why didn't you send in.......Vanessa Feltz again Big Brother? She's a celebrity!'

'Miss Kournikova kindly offered to take part to help us raise money for charity Helen. Big Brother doesn't think you need to feel threatened by her being in the house.'

'OK Big Brother, I suppose I am being silly. I'll go out and make her welcome'.

Thankyou Helen. And Bowden.

'Thankyou Big Brother'

Helen is met by Josh and Narinder at the door of the Diary Room. 'I don't want to worry you', said Narinder, but paul has just been led to the Den by Anna!'

'Yes, and he wasn't fighting her off either!' said Brian

'He's like that', said Penny.

Helen started to sniffle miserably.'I can't understand it. That's not my Mr Clarke. He wouldn't do that to me'.

'Don't worry Helen, I have an idea to keep her occupied,' he said. 'We'll have a tennis tournament!'

Helen, Josh and the rest of the housemates piled outside and walked to the den. Brian listened at the door.

'What's going on?' asked Narinder, as Amma held the by now inconsolable Helen.

'I can just hear...........'

'Let's just knock and walk in' said Dean

'Yes, let's!' said Josh. 'I'll do it'.

A couple of minutes later, Josh emerged from the den.

'Sorry Helen. I tried, but it's useless! She doesn't want to play tennis. Says she is listened to one of Paul's 'lovely funny stories'.'

'I don't know about you, but I think there is something very fishy going on here!' said Stuart.

'Yeah, the boy just ain't got that much charm!' said Bubble

'I think we need to ask what is going on' continued Stuart, as he walked unannounced through the door into the den.

Five minutes later, he emerged just behind Miss Kournikova, looking pleased and somewhat smug. Directly behind him was a flusterd and unusually dishevelled Paul.

'Don't worry everyone, I have sorted it all out. Helen, you have nothing to worry about from Anna. It all makes sense now. Paul is all yours.'

'I don't think I bloody want him.' she sniffed 'What you been doing in there?'

'I ain't been doing nothing Helen! She asked me to show her the den, that's all, and then she just lunged at me! I couldn't keep her off! It was 99.99% her.'

'I will drag her out by her bloody hair, I will bloody kill her!' shouted Helen, as Amma and Dean restrained her with some difficulty.

'Hang on, don't let's get carried away here!' said Stuart, 'Anna, please tell them what you told me'

'OK, sorry, of course', said Anna 'I really had no idea. After all, I didn't see the Big brother last year. I did not know he was Helen's man. When I was coming in, I was offered an extra ten thousand pounds for charity by this man Stephen, who met Elizabeth outside. All I had to do was make a hugs and kisses with the one called Paul Clarke. He said it would be really funny, and that everyone would like it!'

'I will kill that bloody Elizabeth!' said Paul.

'Now then, I am sure she didn't mean any harm'. said Dean

'Like hell she didn't' said Narinder. 'maybe she's not that boring after all'.

Anna looked on as Paul and Helen's argument became less heated and Helen eventually fell into his arms for a long cuddle.

'I think it will take more than that to split those two up'. said Anna. 'They seem very happy. I feel awful for causing trouble. I didn't know'.

'You shouldn't worry. They will be alright, and you, have my undivided attention, you lucky girl!' said Bubble. 'Now tell me what you find most irresistable about me!'

'Excuse me?' said Anna, looking down at the little chap.'I should tell you that I have to give you your next task. It is in this envelope. Who wants to read it?'


'I will!' shouted Stuart, taking the envelope from her hands.

'Is everybody listening? Good. Tonight's task will involve four housemates' he read.

'They will compete to see which one of the four remains'.

'Oooh, it's really hotting up now!' said Brian

'Shh' said Stuart 'You must choose the four who take on the challenge yourselves. It is not a challenge of strength. You may not include Anna.


After three of your housemates leave, they will be replaced by one evictee from the first Big brother House. You have two minutes to make that choice, starting, NOW!.

Pandemonium broke out in the group. After much shouting, screaming and yelling, Stuart went into the diary room to inform Big Brother who the three would be.

'Ok Big Brother, after much deliberation, and with a great deal of help from my outstanding skills of natural leadership, the group has decided that the three housemates who will take part in the challenge are:

Amma, Dean, Josh and .....................................