[Tom]

Dear supernoodles,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but you’re mean. I think I realized it when you farted in the bathtub at the mental hospital and I saw you sit on the Catholic Priest.
I'm sure you're senile enough to understand that Santa doesn’t exist.
I'm returning the couch cushions to you, but I'll keep your collection of butterflies as a memory.
You should also know I hate your cooking and I'm scratching my butt as you read this.

Your everlasting enemy
Tom