URGENT - ULVERSTON EARTHQUAKE APPEAL
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At 11:20 on Tuesday 28 April an earthquake measuring 3.7 on the Richter scale hit Ulverston, UK causing untold disruption and distress -
* Many were woken well before their giro arrived
* Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish costas were damaged
* Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed
* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Ulverston
One resident, Donna-Mel Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chelsea-Louise came running into the lounge crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Brooklyn and Britney-Courtney missed it entirely as they were absorbed with their playstation game Grand Theft Zombie Auto Killers. I was still shaking when I was watching Loose Women at lunchtime."
Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Innocent Smoothies to the area to help the stricken masses.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
* £4 buys chips, scraps and blue pop for a family of four
* £20 can take a family to Slyne for the day, where children can play on an unspoiled river bank among the national collection of Japanese Knotweed
* 44p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim
PLEASE ACT NOW
Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the rest!