[Stu]

AUGH. I can’t– I just…My god. This is…

This is the cinematic equivalent of an asteroid about to hit the ****ing Earth, people. It’s huge, it’s ugly, it’s horrible, and if you have any sense at all you should run shrieking away from it as quickly as you can. And like any apocalyptic abomination that’s about to destroy culture and the last vestiges of what make humanity worth preserving, there are some mad, frothing maniacs who embrace the rapture and worship the coming doom. We’ve been fortunate enough so far to avoid a real Twilight fan invasion, because I’ve been on other message boards and you’ve not seen such a pack of rabid, snarling jagoffs so willing to engage in bitter, pointless flamewars over this.

It’s a perfect storm of co-mingling fan-worship, too. You’ve got the teenage girl demographic, infatuated with this…****ing vapid, vacant pasty-faced asshole, with that face you just want to ram into a men’s room doorknob until his teeth litter the ground like bloody chiclets. It’s not that he’s a pretty boy– we hate John Cena enough for that, I guess– it’s that garbage vampire-chic aura, that godawful brooding intensity, that mysterious “I’m the biggest, sexiest mistake you’d ever make, ladies, because I’m ****ing dangerous” scowl that makes all the women drool.

It’s got all those goth-heads hooked, too. Some people just never get tired of it. I promised myself I wouldn’t use the term “emo” unless it was absolutely necessary, but what else do you call an entire genre based around a pale, dreary bore who always drones on about his own existential angst, his eternal torment, his alienation from human society, and the constant struggle to contain the beast of his infinite rage forever crawling in his skin, lest it surface and harm those he loves? Come to think of it, what is with all of this vampire worship, anyway? Vampire stories are lame, and they were lame even when Anne Rice shat her oversexualized Mary Sue fiction all over bookstores. After that, we had to endure ****ing Anita Blake, and now this?

It boggles my mind to even imagine that, as bad as the Anita Blake stories are, Twilight is far, far worse. And all I did was read a sample chapter online. It’s so bad, that even hearing summaries of the plot can evoke snorts of derision. My mom used to watch daytime soaps that had less ham-handed melodrama and less-disturbing sexual liaisons. This madness has to stop, and if you don’t believe me, just keep watching. The Twilight movies are coming, and people, you are going to see some sad, depraved mother****ers buying enough tickets to keep it at #1 in the box office for months.

http://www.spoonyexperiment.com/

I want to marry Spoony & have his babies. His Final Fantasy VIII series is nothing short of incredible, too .