[The crowd starts chanting "Mr Insult! You're a ****"]
Mr Insult: Tonight on my ****ing great show we have a chuffing fantastic episode in store! That ****ing twat Shaun is here to finally confess something to his ****wit chum, Hugo. So come on you useless trailer trash ****ers, let's hear it for the ****ing shithead, Shaun!
[The crowd whoops and hollers, swearing profusely]
Mr Insult: Okay, now Shaun you're here to talk about some **** or another, aren't you?
Shaun: Yes.
Mr Insult: And who is the desperate loser you want to talk about?
Shaun: Lauren.
[The crowd squeals with delight]
Mr Insult: OK, ****face, great news - Lauren, is actually here tonight ...
[The crowd squeals]
Mr Insult: But first we have a ****ing great surprise for you Shaun, because there's some other ****er here to see you! So let's bring out this complete **** ... Mark Waldorf!
Shaun: What the ****ing arsing chuffing cunting heck?!!!
[Suddenly Shaun pulls out a Cucumber. Mark Waldorf reaches for the Occasional side table (mahogany with mosaic panel). As the crowd pisses themselves with laughter, Linda appears from out of the shadows]
Linda: Wait you ****ing tossers....
Mr Insult: Yes, come on you pitiful fame-desperate inbreds, calm down for a minute. Now, Mark Waldorf you look like a right useless ****. Why are you here?.
Mark Waldorf: Because I saw Shaun and Linda ****ing the arse off each other out at the back of Netto!
[The crowd turns nauseous at the thought of those two Bug Uglies exchanging bodily fluids]
Linda: You cunting lying shithead! I was home watching Supermarket Sweep!
Mr Insult: [flashing the vick and trying to feel up the ladies in the crowd] Look you gormless, moronic shithead... what exactly is the problem Mark Waldorf?
Mark Waldorf: Well, I've recently been having filthy animal sex with Hugo who has recently become engaged to Linda.
[The crowd joins in with a rousing chorus of 'You're a Slack ****!']
Mr Insult: Really? Right up the tradesman's entrance, eh? Saucy! Well why don't we bring Hugo out here because Shaun had something that they needed to tell them anyway about Lauren
Hugo: [strolls on stage and walks towards Shaun ] What's the ****ing deal, you ****? I saw you outside getting it on with Lauren! You know how I feel about that ****ing hopeless ****wit tosser Lauren!
Linda: [screams] What? Why the ******** hell did you ****ing ask me to ****ing marry you if you're in love with that ****face weasel Lauren!
Hugo: Because I knew that I could never shag Lauren. But Shaun promised me that they'd never **** each other out of respect for my feelings!
Linda: What about respect for my feelings you useless piece of ****!
[Mark Waldorf walks suddenly across the stage, and tries to get jiggy with Hugo]
Mark Waldorf: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of those useless ****wits now that you have me.
[The crowd laughs at the pitiful specimens on stage and unites in a thunderous chant of, 'Deck the ****ing ****!']
Linda: You cunting fishfaced ****head! Are you ****ing sick!?
[Linda runs across the room and starts rubbing up against Shaun in a sexual manner]
Linda: Shaun take me away from all of ****ing bullshit!
Shaun: You see? That's the ****in problem you useless divvy. I'm ****ing married.
[The crowd hurls general abuse as Mr Insult does exaggerated wanking motion]
Linda: Cunting married, you ****?
[Shaun nods]
Linda: Who the **** are you married to you ****ing lying bullshitting twat? When ... when the **** did this happen? I don't bollocking understand!
Shaun: The other day you clueless shithead. In Torbay. I'm married to Lauren.
Hugo: [screaming] YOU ****ING WHAT?!!
Mr Insult: [grinning widely, and sliding his hand up a girl in the audiences skirt] So ... did you have a ****ing great wedding night and and get loads of botty action with spunk flying everywhere and ... and.... and...?
Lauren: [giving exaggerated ****ing action] Well, we ****ed like a pair of randy ferrets on acid 3 times if that's what you mean.
[The crowd squeals, girl discovers Mr Insult's hand and slaps him in the face]
Mr Insult: Okay, okay. So let me get this all bollocks straight you useless ****ers ... Shaun is married to Lauren who Hugo has secretly been shagging with for years and years. Now Hugo has recently become engaged to Linda who was recently spotted ****ing Shaun in Netto. Now on top of this, Mark Waldorf has just admitted to being in an arse-****ing relationship with Hugo.
Lauren: That's ****ing right Mr Insult.
Mr Insult: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that I wonder why I bother sharing the stage with such a bunch of publicity-hungry ****wits. Just look at them: a useless bunch of inbred clowns who will do anything to appear on a show as shitty as mine. But I don't give a **** because I get paid to do this ****!
Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, it's time for Mr Insult's Final Thought, and I say ..... **** off you useless bunch of *****!
Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - now **** off you useless bag of inbred losers.
[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]
