[Romantic Old Bird]

Well, as it is my 2000th post I thought I ought to share this little pastiche with you:

It is Wednesday evening in a flat in Hadley Wood and the man of the house has just watched the 'Reading Royals' lose out in the second-leg play-off for a place in the Premiership to Wolves.

His Dad Ken, and brother Lee have been on the phone, and their overall analysis of the game is summed up in three simple statements:

1. They were a far better team on the night, and Wolves just didn't play their kind of attractive attacking football.

2. The referee might as well have been wearing a Wolves kit and was, without doubt, an absolute w****r!

3. They were definitely robbed and are all consequently completely gutted


Staring at the screen and rendered completely inactive by abject misery, he is abruptly brought back to reality by the noisy arrival home of his significant other.

She is ever so slightly tipsy, having been out for a meal with her friend...

"I'm back! Hello love, I've had a lovely time. Me and Amma had this Indian in this restuarant down in Finchley and it was so LUSH. It didn't have no meat, and I thought I wouldn't like it but Paul it was completely gorgeous. There was loads and loads of little plates and popadoms and everything.
Loads, there was, Paul!"


"Loads of bloody garlic if you ask me! Bloody hell Helen you stink!"


H: Aaah, that's not very nice is it? Do I really smell Paul? Ah, love you, you don't mind really do you love?

P: Looks like I won't have to mind, doesn't it? I'm not joking H, the whole room stinks of garlic. I can hardly breathe.

H: I'm sorry love. Hang on, why am I sorry - it's not my fault is it? I only had a meal. Just cos you didn't. You like garlic when you eat it don't you? You're grumpy tonight you are. I don't like it when you're grumpy. What's the matter?

P: What's the matter? Bloody hell Helen - don't you remember?

H: remeber what Paul?

P: Remember why you decided to go out tonight

H: Don't be silly Paul, you know I went out because you were watching the football.

P: Yeah, and?

H: And nothing Paul., I don't like football. I told you.

P: You did Helen, loads of times. But I do.

H: I know you do Paul. That's why I let you watch it all on your own. Didn't you like it tonight then?

P: Like it? LIKE IT!!! They bloody lost. I am completely p****d off and TOTALLY GUTTED!

H: Oh Paul, it's not that bad. They just lost one, never mind love. They'll win the next one I'm sure. It's only a game.

P: Only a game? ONLY A GAME!!!!!! It means, Helen that we will not be playing in the Premiership next season. It's a disaster. Totally!

H: What? So they won't let them play at all now? That's awful Paul. That's not fair is it?

P: No H, they can play, right, but they can't play in the Premiership.

H: So where can they play then Paul?

P: They can play where they bloody play now. In the first division.

H: Well that's alright then. First division is good. They was in the second division wasn't they, not long back?

P: Yeah. But it's still not good. Not good at all.

H: I'm sorry Paul, I don't really understand it do I?

P: You don't Helen.

H: Poor Mr Clarke, I wish I did.

P: Well just imagine Helen that you thought you were going to get a new Versace dress and a Fendi bag for your Birthday, and you opened up the presents and you got bag and a t-shirt from Marks.


H: Oh my God, Paul, I would be SO disappointed. I would be really p****d off about that, I would.

P; Well, times that by a hundred, mate, and that's how I feel right about now.

H: Oh Paul, that's awful that is.

P: Yeah, well there you go.

H: I'm gonna try to cheer you up love.

P: Can't be done Helen, can't be done.

H: You feel really bad love?

P: Really, really bad Helen.

H: Aaah, love you. Shall I make us a nice drink?

P: Nah, I got some beer left here. You know what though H? I feel sorry for the lads.

H: What lads?

P: The Royals. The players in the team.

H: They'll be alright Paul, don't worry.

P: They was looking bad when they went off the pitch

H: Was they? What will they do after the game then Paul?

P: Well, first of all the manager will probably talk to them about the game, try to lift them up a bit again

H: That's nice Paul

P: Yeah

H: (Trying very hard to look really interested) Then what will they do?

P: Well they will probably all have a bath.

H: Really? I wouldn't. I'd have a shower I would.

P: Yeah Helen, but the bath is all part of the whole thing. it's tradional. They all get in together.

H: They don't do they? All eleven of them?

P: Yeah

H: But how?

P: It's a great big bath Helen

H: It must be. Still it's a bit kinky, don't you think?

P: What is?

H: All them men, in the bath together. I mean, what for?

P: What do you mean what for? It's because they always do. Always have done. I can't explain it Helen. It's part of the whole thing, that's all.

H: Have you done that, when you played football Paul?

P: Yeah, I have, once or twice.

H: You have! Did you like it?

P: It was a laugh mate.

H: That's funny that is. I think it's a bit pervy. Are you a bit pervy Paul Clarke?

P: No I am not.

H: You sure about that?

P: You know I'm not.

H: Paul Clarke having baths with boys!

P: Listen H I ain't done that for years. It was just a laugh, that's all.

H: So you didn't enjoy it then?

P: Yeah, I did at the time I suppose. But it's not that fantastic.

H: What, sharing a bath?

P: Yeah

H: It might be though Paul. It might be really good. You might really love it.

P: Listen Helen, believe me, no matter how much I like my mates, I would never describe having a bath with a load of other blokes as lovely! I am not into that kind of thing!

H: I know Paul

P: I hope you do. After two bloody years I think you have a pretty good idea that I am totally and completely only interested in girls.

H: 'Girl's' Paul?

P: Yeah, well 'girl' then.

H: You mean me Paul?

P: Well I don't mean anyone else do I?

H: You might do

P: You know I don't.

H: Paul?

P: Yeah?

H: You feeling better yet?

P: No. It's going to take a lot longer than that for me to feel better.

H: OK then. Paul?

P: What?

H: Do you want a bath?

P: No, I already had a shower tonight after I bin to the gym

H: Oh, ok then

P: Why?

H: Well, I'm going to have a bath and I thought you might want to have one as well. But I forgot - you don't like sharing baths do you?

P: I never said that!

H: You so did!

P: I so did not! I said I didn't like sharing baths with blokes.

H: Oh yeah!

P: That's completely different, totally different.

H: Why?

P: It's obvious isn't it?

H: How is it obvious?

P: Well, it just is

H: OK then, will you come and scrub my back for me then Paul?

P: I might do.

H: Cos it's really difficult for me to reach and you do scrub my back really well Paul

P: I know

H: You're gifted you are

P: Mate, my back massages are absolutely amazing if I do say so myself

H: They are Paul. My foot massages are good as well though aren't they?

P: I must admit, you do do a blinding foot massage

H: With baby oil.

P: Yeah, course.

H: So, will you?

P: Will I what?(Smiling)

H: Mr Clarke! You know very well what. Will you come and have a bath with me?

P: Alright then Helen, if you really want me to.

H: I really, really want you to Paul

P: Ok then

H: Paul?

P: Yeah?

H: You feeling better now?

P: Just possibly H.

H: I think you are

P: Helen I think you might just be right.

H: I'm always right Paul

P: Course you are H.

H: Paul?

P: Yeah?

H: You're not REALLY just going to buy me a tee shirt from Marks's for my Birthday are you?

P: Course not

H: That's alright then. Paul...

P What now H?

H: I love you I do!

P: Yeah, and I love you. Now, where's the soap?

H: It's here Paul

P: Where?