[setanta]

Legend tells of a man - one blessed by the God's, possessing the billowy mane of a young Jimmy Saville, the chest hair and ninja skills of Chuck Norris and the raw sexual magnetism of every Bond wrapped into one - who, having ravished every woman and killed every beast bare handed on his travels, swims across the entire Atlantic in an attempt to fulfill his destiny.

He'd strangled the life out of an animal for every letter of the alphabet (yes, there's a bird called a Xenop in the rainforests of Brazil, which, if truth be told he didn't really kill but rather smiled at it while it was in mid- flight, with the creature hitting a tree square in the face after being momentarily blinded by the sheer visual splendour of such a sight) but a woman with a name beginning with X had always alluded him. Until he saw an image of Cheryl and Danni on a tv with the X-Factor shining out from the screen in neon lights....

His quest - to conquer both women in a sea of lunancy and frenzied, primal dancing, using every facet of his manliness in an attempt to woo them. This is only the beginning..... he's never played the bongos in his life by the way (sure he doesn't even know he's in a singing competition)- that was just him in a suggestive pose in front of his two women, telling them none too subtly what they can expect from this manbeast.