[LemonJam]

[An alarm clock goes off at 6:16am. It beeps three times and is then hit by a pale hand. A man gets out of bed, putting his slippers on in the process. He puts on 'The Boo Radleys - Wake Up Boo!' Cut to him on an exercise bike, camera still not showing his face]

Wake up it’s a beautiful morning,
Feel the sun shining for your eyes.
Wake up it’s so beautiful,

[He gets off the bike. Cut to the bathroom, he goes into the shower]

For what could be the very last time.
Wake up (x8)

[Cut to him making fried eggs in a well kept kitchen]

But you can't blame me now for the death of someone,
But you can't blame me now for the death of someone.
But you've gonna say, what you wanna say,
You have to put the death in everything.

[The music abruptly stops and a rumble is heard. The man pauses to listen. He then turns off the ring and runs to his room. He opens his wardrobe to reveal many of the same black suit. He swiftly dresses. He adjusts a black and white tie and runs out the front door. Cut to the view of a very friendly village; bright blue sky, green grass, homely houses as far as the eye can see. It is very peaceful, not a car in sight. The man, wearing sunglasses steps onto his lawn and looks up to the sky. It suddenly greys over with Smokey black whirlpools and throws somebody down to the ground, face-planting the floor. This is followed by another, and another, scattered all over the neighbourhood. The old man smiles to himself and begins walking towards one of the people. A young Hispanic man begins to slowly lift his bleeding face from the floor. He sees the old man walking towards him and rolls over onto his back, shocked.]

ANDRÉS: Where am I?
[The man slows down and smirks to himself. He bends down to the man and takes off his sunglasses]

LUCIFER: Welcome to hell.

[ANDRÉS’S face becomes visibly shocked and scared]

LUCIFER: Tea?
 
[Ten stunned, confused looking people are sat and stood around a well kept posh looking lounge very awkwardly, with bags of ice on certain injuries from the fall. The old man is pouring tea for himself and stirs. He looks up.]

LUCIFER: Nobody want a drink?

[Remains in silence]

LUCIFER: Alright then, erm, welcome to hell, erm, there are homes assigned for each of you which will apply to your needs
DULCIE: Apply to our needs? What do you mean by that?
ANDRÉS: I thought this was meant to be hell
BEATRIX: Or so he’s telling us
LYLA: I could just be on a really bad acid trip right now.
LUCIFER: Would you like me to explain further?

[The group stops]

LUCIFER: Right, well I’ll be checking up on you guys every now and then.
JEREMY: Check up on us for what? We gonna bring a noose to our necks in the bloody afterlife?
LUCIFER: You can’t die any more. You’re stuck here forever.
JEREMY: Well surely it ain’t just a party of ten sinners? Judas or Hitler never pop down?
LUCIFER: Look, all will be explained later.
LANCE: Well it’s not like we’re gonna be busy making daisy chains any time soon
LUCIFER: Well how do you that I know anything and even if I did I’m not going to be feeding such important information to you over a cup of tea and a scone now is it?
JEREMY: Screw this, [he gets up] you guys can sit around over Earl Grey and listen to Quasimodo’s fairy-tales but I’m gonna find the nearest phone box and go home.

[he begins to walk out. Lucifer raises his index finger.]

LUCIFER: I-I wouldn’t leave if I were you, the doors extremely-

[Suddenly the doorway sets ablaze and the fire pushes JEREMY back. JEREMY throws himself onto the floor.]

JEREMY: What the hell was that?
LANCE: Nice choice of words.
LUCIFER: Look, I know how hard it is to believe. I mean, that’s why a lot of you are here right? Not believing? Maybe you should start now.
BEATRIX: How dare you.

[The group turns to her]

BEATRIX: How dare you! I’ve been a believer all my life and now you’re telling me I belong here?
LUCIFER: When did you last pray?
BEATRIX: Excuse me?
LUCIFER: Sorry did I stutter?

[BEATRIX pauses in disbelief]

BEATRIX: I have prayed for every single night for my sixty-eight years of life, are you trying to tell me I’m a bad Christian?!
LUCIFER: Hmm, you may just be in the wrong place then. Oh well, you’re here now.

[BEATRIX begins chanting to herself and pinches her arms repeatedly]

BEATRIX: I’m dreamin’, I’m dreamin, I’m dreamin, I love you lord, wake me up from this nightmare
DOMINIC: So... when do we see our houses?

[The group look at him in disbelief. LUCIFER smiles to himself]

__________
 
[LUCIFER and the new arrivals are walking down the neighbourhood, the sun is setting and the sky is a curious shade of purple with yellow hints mixed in. Although there is a road there are no cars. The group walk past bungalow after bungalow as far as the eye can see.]

DULCIE: [to Lyla] There’s got to be hundreds of houses here.
LYLA: Who do you think lives in them?
LANCE: Obviously all the finest paedophiles and rapists all over the globe.

[BEATRIX is walking behind slowly. ANDRÉS notices she looks upset.]

ANDRÉS: Hey lady.

[She looks at him]

ANDRÉS: Everything’s gonna be okay.

[She smiles lightly.]

BEATRIX: Bless you sir.

[They arrive at a house on the corner of a crossroad. LUCIFER begins flicking through paperwork on his clipboard.]

LUCIFER: Right, house number #1 is tailored for... Mrs. Pye? Well, it's Miss. Pye now I guess.

[He lets out a small laugh much to everybody’s dismay.]

LUCIFER: I’m sorry; too soon, far too soon, I do apologize. Anyway um, Miss Dulcie Pye, welcome to your new home, if there’s anything not tailored to your needs please let me know immediately.

[DULCIE takes the keys off of LUCIFER as everyone begins to walk off. She stops for a moment.]

DULCIE: Hold on guys.

[They stop and look at her. She turns to LUCIFER]

DULCIE: Do we have food already?
LUCIFER: Why yes, we have some fine cuisine awaiting all of you.
DULCIE:[pause] okay...well I mean if you guys are as curious as I am we should really discuss what we thinks going on and get to know each other I guess.

[The group stares at her with a pure lack of emotion.]

DULCIE: So, how would people like to come over for dinner tonight?

[They give no reaction whatsoever.]

DUCLIE: [she nods, somewhat dismayed] Alright then.

[She turns and walks towards her house.]

MAKSIMILIAN: That would be lovely, madam.

[DULCIE stops, initially surprised and turns around.]

DULCIE: Great, um, how’s seven for you?
LUCIFER: Oh, we don’t have clocks here. We don’t technically have sun either, the sky just changes colour based on moods.
LANCE: I guess its current state stands for ‘absolute mind****’ then.
DULCIE: Well, um, just come over when you feel like it really. If anyone else changes their mind, they’re welcome too.

[The group shyly nods and looks around]

LUCIFER: Well, shall we move on?

[The group begins to walk on as DULCIE walks back towards her house. She nervously turns the key and walks in. The wooden floor is glossy and cream walls have hanging pictures of family. It appears to be like an upper-middle class household. DULCIE however is seemingly panicked.]

DULCIE: This was my home before.

[She looks at the pictures on the wall and begins to lightly sob. The picture is of her and her husband on their wedding day. She jumps as the television turns on.]

TELEVISION: Good day. I’m Lucifer and welcome to hell. We sufficiently understand how confused and frightened you may be at this time, but we’re here to make your stay as enjoyable as possible.

[Cut to JEREMY’s messy, worn out apartment]

TELEVISION: As you can see, your homes are tailored to your needs. However, if you plan on changing the scenery of it...

[JEREMY tries kicking a table in rage but is flung back again]

TELEVISION: ...think again.

[Cut to Janice peeking out her curtains looking confused]

TELEVISION: There may be some things you may not expect to see that are somewhat hazardous.

[It cuts to JANICE looking at what used to be her swimming pool back on Earth, which is now a pool of lava.]

TELEVISION: But we have your protection in mind, so do not fret.

[Cut to BEATRIX’s small home where she’s looking at a wall of video tapes]

TELEVISION: You should find somewhere in your accommodation a wall of tapes. These are your significant memories.

[Cut to DOMINIC in a completely empty home staring at a wall, but with only the television running in the background.]

TELEVISION: Some of you have more significant memories than others.

[Cut to LYLA looking inside a fridge]

TELEVISION: We hope that you enjoy our specially stocked cuisine

[She pulls out what appears to be a red, shrivelled, spiky chicken carcass and looks at it in disgust]

TELEVISION: and just to finish up, some house rules. Essentially, if you do anything I don’t like then I will deal with you however I choose to do so. And before you think “oh, well, it’s not as if he can kill me” just remember that you have loved ones above this abyss. Thank you and have a pleasant stay!

[Cut back to BEATRIX, looking stunned at the now turned off TV. She holds onto her cross and begins praying]

BEATRIX: Lord, why have you forsaken me? Please wake me up from this dream [pause] now!

[She opens her eyes and stares blankly. A tear rolls down her cheek]

__________

[Back to LUCIFER who has just arrived home. He puts his clipboard down on a side-table neatly and walks to his kitchen. He puts the kettle on and grabs a piece of paper and a black fine liner pen. He narrates as he writes]

LUCIFER: The Candidates are at their assigned accommodations, rules have been explained and they currently live in fear. I will soon begin our first trial. Kind Regards, Lucifer.

[He then crumples the letter into his hands and sits in prayer, mumbling inaudibly. He stays in the position for ten seconds. He then opens his hands and the letter has disappeared. The kettle pings. He gets up and begins to pour himself a fresh brew.]

__________

[Dulcie is staring at the food on her counter, the shrivelled, red, spiked chicken carcass, a strange grey mush in a bag, an orange turnip like vegetable that omits puss and a jar of peanut butter. She hears a knock at the door. She opens it to find MAKSIMILIAN.]

MAKSIMILIAN: Hello there.
DULCIE: Oh hi, um, you’re a bit early.
MAKSIMILIAN: I came to offer any assistance with the cooking; I was a chef for 5 years you know.
DULCIE: That’d be great; I don’t even know what this stuff is.
MAKSIMILIAN: Neither do I, but I’m sure it can’t be too difficult.

[He walks in and looks at the food on the counter]

DULCIE: If you don’t mind me saying, you don’t seem too subdued by this whole thing.
MAKSIMILIAN: I learn to take things day by day. Should I just cut the vegetable looking stuff?
DULCIE: Yeah if you could, I’ll handle this chicken thing. So, what did you do for a living?
MAKSIMILIAN: I was a personal trainer.
DULCIE: Oh, nice! Do you think anybody else will be coming or do you think they’re still in shock?
MAKSIMILIAN: If I’m honest, I do not believe it’ll be highly populated. They are still saddened that everything seems to be over for them.
DULCIE: Well, they have every right to be upset and confused and-
MAKSIMILIAN: Why are you so happy to be here?

[DULCIE stops preparing the chicken and looks at him.]

MAKSIMILIAN: You can be honest now.

[She pauses and walks to grab her picture of her and her husband.]

DULCIE: This is me and my husband. His name is Greg. We had an incredibly on and off relationship. Most days we kept screaming at each other. But some days [she chuckles] we just couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. [she swallows] I cheated on him with another guy. His name was Russell. He just seemed to understand everything I needed. Greg came home early and drunk one night and he caught us. I told Russell to leave but when I turned to look at him, he’d already gone out the window. This just tipped Greg over. He just- [she begins to tear up]
MAKSIMILIAN: And now you are here?

[DULCIE sheepishly nods]

MAKSIMILIAN: You did not explain why you are so seemingly happy.
DULCIE: [she pauses to wipe her tears] It’s because I know, deep down, I deserve to be here.

[DULCIE puts the picture back as MAKSIMILIAN looks at her curiously]

__________
 
[Outside, JEREMY has just gone out of his house. He checks his pockets.]

LANCE: They’ve emptied our pockets

[JEREMY turns to see Lance sat on his doorstep.]

LANCE: Went out for a cigarette before, nothing.
JEREMY: Damn, I already hate this place. Why is everyone so bloody calm about this?
LANCE: I think most of us are just in shock.

[They see TAABU walking out her home and away from everyone else’s homes]

LANCE: Where do you think she’s going?
JEREMY: [shouts] Oi!

[TAABU turns around]

JEREMY: Where you off, love?
TAABU: Investigating
JEREMY: Well it’s about freaking time someone else was curious.

[He begins to walk towards her]

TAABU: What are you doing?
JEREMY: What do you think I’m doing? I’m joining you.
TAABU: No. I work alone.

[TAABU walks away and JEREMY stops in his tracks]

JEREMY: What the bloody hell is up with everybody here?
LANCE: Says the guy with the giant green Mohawk.

[JEREMY begins to look at LANCE threateningly and walks back inside.]

__________
 
[Outside DULCIE’s house, ANDRÉS and LYLA are walking to the door]

ANDRÉS: So how do you think this is going to go?
LYLA: Badly, tbh.
ANDRÉS: Badly? Why do you think that?
LYLA: Have you looked at us? We have a Sid Vicious wannabe and a crazy Christian fogey in the same room for starters, never mind the crazy hot chick and the perverted Robert Smith who just stares into space.

[They arrive at the doorstep]

ANDRÉS: Well, here it goes. [He knocks. The door opens.]
DULCIE: Ah! You’re just in time. We’ve just dished up now. Come in
ANDRÉS: Thank you

[They walk in. MAKSIMILIAN, DOMINIC, JANICE, LANCE, JEREMY and BEATRIX are sat around the small table awkwardly, with cutlery set out and the strange food on the table seemingly cooked. ANDRÉS, LYLA and DULCIE sit down]

JEREMY: What the **** is this?
DULCIE: We’re not sure. Does anyone know if the other girl is coming?
LANCE: She’s off investigating. Not that there’s a lot of investigate here, but she can go play Sherlock Holmes if she wants.
LYLA: Can we eat now? I’m sorry, I’m really hungry.
DULCIE: Sure, dig in everyone.

[They all pick up their cutlery but are interrupted but BEATRIX clearing her throat. They stop and look at her.]

BEATRIX: Nobody here care to say grace?
MAKSIMILIAN: It is quite clearly too late for that now.

[MAKSIMILIAN, LANCE, JEREMY and LYLA continue eating. BEATRIX looks to DULCIE, DULCIE nods. BEATRIX, DULCIE, JANICE and ANDRÉS put their hands together and their heads down. DOMINIC continues to stare blankly.]

BEATRIX: Dear Lord, we thank you for this food you have given us.
LANCE: [speaking with mouth full] Technically, we don’t know if “God” made this.

[BEATRIX glares at LANCE, but chooses to ignore him]

BEATRIX: Please, give us strength, all of us, to overcome these adversities set before us and by the grace of God may we be forgiven for our sins.
LYLA: [snorts] Far too late for that.

[ANDRÉS shushes LYLA and scowls. He returns to prayer. LYLA gives everyone else a bitchy look]

BEATRIX: And please Lord, protect our loved ones at this time.

[The group pause, stop eating and all join her in prayer, except DOMINIC, still blankly staring]

BEATRIX: We realise that their losses will be tough for them and may you give them strength to see it through. Amen.
ALL: Amen.

[They all dig in again. LYLA wipes the tears from her eyes. DULCIE looks at DOMINIC]

DULCIE: Please, do help yourself.
DOMINIC: [said in monotone] I’m not hungry, thank you.

[She looks perplexed and digs in]

JEREMY: So do you guys come here often?

[Some of the table laugh]

BEATRIX: Do you really think that’s an appropriate thing to say right now?
JEREMY: Lighten up Mary Magdalene, there’s nothing we can do right now.

[BEATRIX puts down her cutlery and stands]

BEATRIX: I’m done, thank you Dulcie for the hospitality.
MAKSIMILIAN: Stop making a scene, sit down.
BEATRIX: No, I cannot handle this right now!
DULCIE: Beatrix-
BEATRIX: I’m sorry Dulcie, but there are some people I just refuse to be around.
LYLA: People that don’t believe what a fairytale book tells them?
ANDRÉS: Hey, if it’s a fairytale book, how come we’re in hell right now?
LYLA: [in a mock Spanish accent] Look, compadré, I don’t know why you’re getting involved.
ANDRÉS: Haha, a jab at my ethnicity, there’s no wonder why you’re here
LYLA: Excuse me?
MAKSIMILIAN: There’s a reason we’re all here, we’re all horrible people
BEATRIX: Aww hell no!

[MAKSIMILIAN, ANDRÉS, LYLA, BEATRIX, JEREMY AND LANCE commence in a screaming war. JANICE jumps back horrified as she notices something in her odd chicken portion]

JANICE: Guys!

[The group is quiet, stunned that JANICE finally spoke]

JANICE: There’s a-an ear in my meat.
DULCIE: What?!
ANDRÉS: Let me see. [he walks to JANICE’s place, looks at the meat and gags] is this human?!
LYLA: Oh my God, there’s an eye in mine.

[she gags and runs to the sink to throw up. DULCIE looks at DOMINIC, remembering he chose not to eat the food]

MAKSIMILIAN: Oh come on, I’ve eaten much worse in my lifetime
BEATRIX: Eaten what, your soul?
DULCIE: This was a really bad idea guys, I’m so sorry
JEREMY: Did you not check it before you whacked it in the oven you dumb cow?!
BEATRIX: Did your father not think of the outcome before he whacked it in the oven?
JEREMY: Oh that’s it!

[He gets up and walks over threateningly to BEATRIX, but his arms are held back by MAKSIMILIAN and is taken outside. Everyone begins to rapidly leave, leaving just DOMINIC and DULCIE with the mess]

MAKSIMILIAN: [from outside] You do not ever try to throw a punch at an old woman.
JEREMY: That old bitch deserved it!

[Everyone outside is shouting inaudibly, DULCIE runs her hand against her face in despair and notices DOMINIC is still sat at the table.]

DULCIE: Don’t you have better things to stare at right now?
DOMINIC: I was never one to watch, more one to analyse.

[He stands up and walks to the door]

DULCIE: Well why didn’t you tell us about the meat?

[DOMINIC pauses and looks at DULCIE]

DOMINIC: I wasn’t hungry.

[He leaves. DULCIE puts both hands against her face in despair. Her telephone rings. She walks toward it and picks up]

DULCIE: Hello?
LUCIFER: Dulcie, it’s Lucifer, I need to speak to you urgently, please arrive at mine soon.

[He hangs up, Dulcie looks at the phone and hits it hard back into place.]

__________

[Later, the sky is now red and burgundy, DULCIE rings the bell of Lucifer’s cottage. The door opens.]

LUCIFER: Ah! Hello Dulcie, do come on in!

[She walks in]

LUCIFER: I’ve made a pot of tea so do sit down and help yourself.

[DULCIE takes a seat in the lounge but doesn’t take any tea.]

LUCIFER: [Whilst sitting down in front of DULCIE] I heard the ruckus coming from your accommodation; I’m guessing things didn’t go to plan.
DULCIE: Why would they?
LUCIFER: Heh, I guess you’re right.
DULCIE: So why have you bought me here?

[LUCIFER anxiously rubs his face and hands]

LUCIFER: Well erm, I’m not quite sure how to tell you this but your ex-husband is in trouble.
DULCIE: What’s wrong with Greg?
LUCIFER: Essentially, the clock is ticking for him.

[DULCIE is visibly shocked]

DULCIE: Oh my God, I can’t take this.
LUCIFER: However, there is something you can do to save him.
DULCIE: [Sobbing] Anything, please
LUCIFER: Well, [pauses] you may have noticed there’s somebody acting very shifty. Lurking around and, well, analyzing people.
DULCIE: What about them?
LUCIFER: My research is what I feared; they’re not supposed to be here. They have connections to make things terrible for everyone else’s stay here. And I know from you're tapes you're better equipped for this job than you'll tell anyone.

[DULCIE looks at LUCIFER perplexed as he leans forward.]

LUCIFER: I need you to get rid of him.
DULCIE: The staring guy?
LUCIFER: Dominic?! Oh no! He’s harmless, trust me. I need you to kill Maksimilian.

[DULCIE is stunned]

DULCIE: H-How am I meant to trust you? Your name’s Lucifer for God’s sake!
LUCIFER: Because I’m the one who has your divorcee’s life in your hands.
DULCIE: [screams] He’s still my husband!

[LUCIFER is set back as DULCIE sobs uncontrollably]

LUCIFER: I apologise, sincerely madam, I do. I wasn’t too happy when I was placed here either. I know exactly how it feels to lose everything, but there isn’t any reason why you should make yourself lose more.

[DULCIE’s crying begins to set back more]

LUCIFER: So; do we have a deal?
DULCIE: [she pauses] Deal.
Abaddon.