[Jake.]

lol

Day 1 - ukturtle Admits Straight Away That He Doesn't Like The Look Of *Kate. He Says She Looks Like A Lesbian. As It Turns Out, Claudia Is In Fact The Only Lesbian In The House, Although Marc Later Admits That He Is Unsure Of His True Sexuality.

2 - The House Sit Down For A Discussion Of How To Organise Simple Chores. Shaun Creates Tension By Stating That The Kitchen Is Where The Women Belong. Vanessa Hits Him With A Butter spreader.

3 - The Housemates Are Set Their First Task By Big Brother - They Must Make A Model Of The White House Out Of Fried egg. After Much Persuasion By Shaun, They Gamble 50% Of Next Week's Food Budget On Completing The Task.

4 - Training For The The White House Task Is Well Under Way. However Havoc Ensues When Marc, Who Is Rapidly Developing A Reputation As The Laziest Bastard In The House, Eats Half The Fried egg. Vanessa Is Furious.

5 - Today Is The Day When The The White House Task Must Be Completed. Things Are Going Well Until Shortly Before The End When Marc Farts And Blows The White House Over. Big Brother Announces That The Task Has Been A Failure. *Kate Cries.

6 - Shaun Gets Pecked On The Arm By One Of The Big Brother Chickens. Not A Very Exciting Day.

7 - Big Brother Is Worried That Things Are Getting Dull, So He Summons The Housemates To Have A Mass Debate About Sex. After Far Too Many Cans Of Cider, *Kate Admits That She Likes To Be Spanked On The Arse With A Butter spreader. ukturtle Says He Never Wears Condoms Because They Make His Gooch Sore And Shaun Agrees. Claudia Goes Into A Rant About How None Of The Other Housemates Have Ever Enjoyed A True Orgasm Because They're All Boring Heterosexual Bastards. Marc Sits In The Corner, Quietly Eyeing Up Shaun.

8 - Today Is The First Day That The Housemates Must Nominate Someone To Leave. ukturtle Goes Round Everyone One By One, Telling Them He Really Likes Them Because They're The Only One In The House That He Can Really Relate To. Vanessa And *Kate Are Voted As The Two Candidates To Leave. Nobody Votes For ukturtle.

9 - Vanessa And *Kate Are Told Of Their Nominations And Burst Into Tears, Before Hugging Everyone And Telling Them They Love Them. Claudia Sings Them A Song - Baby - To Make Them Feel Better.

10 - The Public Vote *Kate Out Of The House. She Pretends Not To Be Bothered But Then Breaks Down And Sobs That She Should Never Have Admitted About Enjoying Being Spanked. *Kate Leaves.

11 - Relationships Are Strained In The House As The Housemates Come To Terms With *Kate's Departure. The Food Budget Is Low Due To The Failure Of Last Week's Failed Task. Claudia Has To Make Do Without The Cucumber She Requested. Vanessa Is Visibly Depressed And Is Comforted By Shaun, Who Tries To Touch Her On Her Vagina.

12 - The Big Brother Psychologist Replays The Footage Of Shaun Touching Vanessa's Vagina Over And Over Again. This Is Because It Shows An Interesting Psychological Incident, Of Course, Not Because It Will Increase The Viewing Figures. Big Brother Sets The Housemates The Task Of Jogging The Circumference Of The Globe On A Running Machine. They Gamble 40% Of The Food Budget On Completing It.

13 - The Running Machine Task Is On Target, Despite The Fact That Marc Refuses To Run Because His Gooch Hurts A Bit.

14 - Much Jubilation In The House As The Running Machine Task Is Completed. Marc Finally Manages To Run The Last 10 Metres Of The Task And Claims That Without Him They'd Never Have Done It. Vanessa Calls Marc A Lazy Gooch.

15 - Once Again It Is The Day When Nominations Are Due. ukturtle Tells Everyone Individually That He Thinks Vanessa Is A *****. He Also Points Out That Anyone Who Wants To Stay At His Flat When The Show Is Finished Is Welcome To Come And Visit. Vanessa And Shaun Are Nominated By The Housemates To Leave. Nobody Votes For ukturtle.

16 - The Nominations Are Announced. Vanessa Can't Believe She's Been Voted Out Two Weeks In A Row. Shaun Is Equally Stunned And Turns To Vanessa For Comfort. Marc Is Distraught And Confesses To Claudia That He Thinks He Is In Love With Shaun. Claudia Says She Doesn't Fancy Any Of The Housemates Because They're All Just Too Heterosexual And She's A Lesbian, You Know.

17 - The Public Vote Shaun Out Of The House. Vanessa Says She Is Gutted And Even Gives Shaun A Clipping Of Hair From Her Vagina To Prove How Much She Cares. Marc Is Also Devastated But Keeps His Hair To Himself. Shaun Leaves.

18 - The Big Brother Psychologist Shows Repeated Clips Of Vanessa Clipping The Hair From Her Vagina. Apparently This Is An Important Psychological Incident. The Public Obviously Agree As Viewing Figures Soar.

19 - Big Brother Sets The Housemates The Task Of Burping The National Anthem Of Chile In 60 Seconds. They Gamble 50% Of The Food Budget On Completing It.

20 - Nobody Has A Clue What The National Anthem Of Chile Sounds Like But Marc Says It's A Bit Like Dancing Queen. The Housemates Choose ukturtle As The One Who Must Complete The Task.

21 - ukturtle Successfully Burps Not Only The National Anthem Of Chile But Also God Save The Queen, Baby And The Theme Tune To Big Brother. He Is Proclaimed As A Hero, Despite The Fact That A Vote In A Tabloid Newspaper Shows That 98% Of The Public Want To Kill Him.

22 - Nominations Are Due And ukturtle Tells Everyone That He Has A Villa In The South Of France And They Can All Come And Stay For A Holiday. Marc And Claudia Are Nominated.

23 - Marc And Claudia Take Their Nominations Well And Sit Down With ukturtle And Vanessa To Discuss Why They Voted For Them. ukturtle Keeps Quiet But Vanessa Accuses Marc Of Being An Arrogant, Lazy, Self-centred Gooch Before Bursting Into Tears.

24 - The Public Vote Claudia Out Of The House And Nobody Really Gives A ****. Claudia Leaves.

25 - ukturtle Becomes The First Housemate To Have A Wank. This Footage Goes Down Well With The Big Brother Pschologist Who Proclaims That It Gives Us A True Insight Into The Working Of ukturtle's Mind And Brings Out His True Personality. In Other Words, He's A Wanker.

26 - Big Brother Sets The Remaining Three Housemates The Task Of Shifting 5000 Tons Of Dolphin Dung Using Only A Butter spreader. ukturtle Is Unsure But Marc Is Confident, Claiming To Have Done Summat Very Similar When He Was Younger. They Gamble 50% Of The Food Budget.

27 - Completely Out Of The Blue, Marc Breaks Down In Tears And Announces That He Is Leaving. He Claims That It Is Because The Dung-shifting Task Has Brought Back The Painful Memories Of The Dolphin Incident From His Childhood. Vanessa Tries To Persuade Him To Stay But ukturtle Sits In A Corner, Rubbing His Hands Slyly. Marc Decides To Leave.

28 - With Only Two Housemates Remaining, The Dolphin Dung Task Proves Impossible. They Fail Miserably And Resort To Getting Extremely Pissed On Some Vegetable Wine, Made By Vanessa From A Couple Of Mouldy Carrots She Found In The Big Brother Garden.

29 - Nominations Are Due For The Final Time. ukturtle Asks Vanessa To Marry Him And She Accepts. Unsurprisingly ukturtle Nominates Vanessa To Leave. Rather More Surprisingly, So Does Vanessa.

30 - When The Nomination Is Announced, Vanessa Graciously Accepts Defeat And Proclaims That ukturtle Is A Worthy Winner. As They Are Soon To Marry, She Also Agrees To Shag Him. The Event Is Broadcast Live To The Nation And Is Preceded By A Speech From The Queen. Everyone In The Big Brother Production Crew Breathe A Huge Sigh Of Relief As Viewing Figures Go Through The Roof. ukturtle Takes His £70,000 And Runs Away To Chile. Nobody, Including Vanessa, Ever Sees Him Again.

The bold bits