[Josiah.]

Day 1 - Ben Admits Straight Away That He Doesn't Like The Look Of Mollie. He Says She Looks Like A Lesbian. As It Turns Out, Kate Is In Fact The Only Lesbian In The House, Although Roy Later Admits That He Is Unsure Of His True Sexuality.

2 - The House Sit Down For A Discussion Of How To Organise Simple Chores. Shaun Creates Tension By Stating That The Kitchen Is Where The Women Belong. Stacey Hits Him With A Spoon.

3 - The Housemates Are Set Their First Task By Big Brother - They Must Make A Model Of The Empire State Building Out Of Pizza. After Much Persuasion By Shaun, They Gamble 50% Of Next Week's Food Budget On Completing The Task.

4 - Training For The The Empire State Building Task Is Well Under Way. However Havoc Ensues When Roy, Who Is Rapidly Developing A Reputation As The Laziest Bastard In The House, Eats Half The Pizza. Stacey Is Furious.

5 - Today Is The Day When The The Empire State Building Task Must Be Completed. Things Are Going Well Until Shortly Before The End When Roy Farts And Blows The Empire State Building Over. Big Brother Announces That The Task Has Been A Failure. Mollie Cries.

6 - Shaun Gets Pecked On The Arm By One Of The Big Brother Chickens. Not A Very Exciting Day.

7 - Big Brother Is Worried That Things Are Getting Dull, So He Summons The Housemates To Have A Mass Debate About Sex. After Far Too Many Cans Of Cider, Mollie Admits That She Likes To Be Spanked On The Arse With A Spoon. Ben Says He Never Wears Condoms Because They Make His Testicles Sore And Shaun Agrees. Kate Goes Into A Rant About How None Of The Other Housemates Have Ever Enjoyed A True Orgasm Because They're All Boring Heterosexual Bastards. Roy Sits In The Corner, Quietly Eyeing Up Shaun.

8 - Today Is The First Day That The Housemates Must Nominate Someone To Leave. Ben Goes Round Everyone One By One, Telling Them He Really Likes Them Because They're The Only One In The House That He Can Really Relate To. Stacey And Mollie Are Voted As The Two Candidates To Leave. Nobody Votes For Ben.

9 - Stacey And Mollie Are Told Of Their Nominations And Burst Into Tears, Before Hugging Everyone And Telling Them They Love Them. Kate Sings Them A Song - Baby - To Make Them Feel Better.

10 - The Public Vote Mollie Out Of The House. She Pretends Not To Be Bothered But Then Breaks Down And Sobs That She Should Never Have Admitted About Enjoying Being Spanked. Mollie Leaves.

11 - Relationships Are Strained In The House As The Housemates Come To Terms With Mollie's Departure. The Food Budget Is Low Due To The Failure Of Last Week's Failed Task. Kate Has To Make Do Without The Cucumber She Requested. Stacey Is Visibly Depressed And Is Comforted By Shaun, Who Tries To Touch Her On Her Boobs.

12 - The Big Brother Psychologist Replays The Footage Of Shaun Touching Stacey's Boobs Over And Over Again. This Is Because It Shows An Interesting Psychological Incident, Of Course, Not Because It Will Increase The Viewing Figures. Big Brother Sets The Housemates The Task Of Jogging The Circumference Of The Globe On A Running Machine. They Gamble 40% Of The Food Budget On Completing It.

13 - The Running Machine Task Is On Target, Despite The Fact That Roy Refuses To Run Because His Testicles Hurts A Bit.

14 - Much Jubilation In The House As The Running Machine Task Is Completed. Roy Finally Manages To Run The Last 10 Metres Of The Task And Claims That Without Him They'd Never Have Done It. Stacey Calls Roy A Lazy Testicles.

15 - Once Again It Is The Day When Nominations Are Due. Ben Tells Everyone Individually That He Thinks Stacey Is A *****. He Also Points Out That Anyone Who Wants To Stay At His Flat When The Show Is Finished Is Welcome To Come And Visit. Stacey And Shaun Are Nominated By The Housemates To Leave. Nobody Votes For Ben.

16 - The Nominations Are Announced. Stacey Can't Believe She's Been Voted Out Two Weeks In A Row. Shaun Is Equally Stunned And Turns To Stacey For Comfort. Roy Is Distraught And Confesses To Kate That He Thinks He Is In Love With Shaun. Kate Says She Doesn't Fancy Any Of The Housemates Because They're All Just Too Heterosexual And She's A Lesbian, You Know.

17 - The Public Vote Shaun Out Of The House. Stacey Says She Is Gutted And Even Gives Shaun A Clipping Of Hair From Her Boobs To Prove How Much She Cares. Roy Is Also Devastated But Keeps His Hair To Himself. Shaun Leaves.

18 - The Big Brother Psychologist Shows Repeated Clips Of Stacey Clipping The Hair From Her Boobs. Apparently This Is An Important Psychological Incident. The Public Obviously Agree As Viewing Figures Soar.

19 - Big Brother Sets The Housemates The Task Of Burping The National Anthem Of Serbia In 60 Seconds. They Gamble 50% Of The Food Budget On Completing It.

20 - Nobody Has A Clue What The National Anthem Of Serbia Sounds Like But Roy Says It's A Bit Like Dancing Queen. The Housemates Choose Ben As The One Who Must Complete The Task.

21 - Ben Successfully Burps Not Only The National Anthem Of Serbia But Also God Save The Queen, Baby And The Theme Tune To Big Brother. He Is Proclaimed As A Hero, Despite The Fact That A Vote In A Tabloid Newspaper Shows That 98% Of The Public Want To Kill Him.

22 - Nominations Are Due And Ben Tells Everyone That He Has A Villa In The South Of France And They Can All Come And Stay For A Holiday. Roy And Kate Are Nominated.

23 - Roy And Kate Take Their Nominations Well And Sit Down With Ben And Stacey To Discuss Why They Voted For Them. Ben Keeps Quiet But Stacey Accuses Roy Of Being An Arrogant, Lazy, Self-centred Testicles Before Bursting Into Tears.

24 - The Public Vote Kate Out Of The House And Nobody Really Gives A ****. Kate Leaves.

25 - Ben Becomes The First Housemate To Have A Wank. This Footage Goes Down Well With The Big Brother Pschologist Who Proclaims That It Gives Us A True Insight Into The Working Of Ben's Mind And Brings Out His True Personality. In Other Words, He's A Wanker.

26 - Big Brother Sets The Remaining Three Housemates The Task Of Shifting 5000 Tons Of Giraffe Dung Using Only A Spoon. Ben Is Unsure But Roy Is Confident, Claiming To Have Done Summat Very Similar When He Was Younger. They Gamble 50% Of The Food Budget.

27 - Completely Out Of The Blue, Roy Breaks Down In Tears And Announces That He Is Leaving. He Claims That It Is Because The Dung-shifting Task Has Brought Back The Painful Memories Of The Giraffe Incident From His Childhood. Stacey Tries To Persuade Him To Stay But Ben Sits In A Corner, Rubbing His Hands Slyly. Roy Decides To Leave.

28 - With Only Two Housemates Remaining, The Giraffe Dung Task Proves Impossible. They Fail Miserably And Resort To Getting Extremely Pissed On Some Vegetable Wine, Made By Stacey From A Couple Of Mouldy Carrots She Found In The Big Brother Garden.

29 - Nominations Are Due For The Final Time. Ben Asks Stacey To Marry Him And She Accepts. Unsurprisingly Ben Nominates Stacey To Leave. Rather More Surprisingly, So Does Stacey.

30 - When The Nomination Is Announced, Stacey Graciously Accepts Defeat And Proclaims That Ben Is A Worthy Winner. As They Are Soon To Marry, She Also Agrees To Shag Him. The Event Is Broadcast Live To The Nation And Is Preceded By A Speech From The Queen. Everyone In The Big Brother Production Crew Breathe A Huge Sigh Of Relief As Viewing Figures Go Through The Roof. Ben Takes His £70,000 And Runs Away To Serbia. Nobody, Including Stacey, Ever Sees Him Again.