As we all know, Paul Clarke is a well brought up young man, and he has spent the morning writing his thankyou letters for all the lovely gifts he received for his 26th Birthday. Thought you might like to see some of them.
Dear Nan,
Thanks for the present. I have put it in our bathroom and it looks lovely. It's great having all these lovely things for our flat, and it makes it really cosy and homely.
Helen says to say she loves the pink skirt the lady has. We agree with you, it's a really tasteful way of covering up that spare toilet roll! Helen says 'it's bad enough being photographed buying it, you do not want it lying about uncovered, do you Paul?'
I know you didn't have time to knit me the usual socks, but the last ones you made me are really hard wearing, and Helen has bought me some nice ones from Burberry anyway.
Yes, she is feeding me properly and she makes sure I have a clean hankie every day. She is taking good care of me so don’t you worry.
Lots of love and kisses from
Your little Paulie-Waulie
xxxxxxx
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Dear Auntie Flo,
Thankyou so much for buying me such a lovely present. A really, really original idea as well! I mean, I can't tell you how useful it has already been.
I mean, Aloe Vera foot cream, it's callous-tastic mate! The hard skin on my heels is already softening up nicely. Helen says it's great for her cuticles as well.
Sorry we didn’t get to see you at Reading last weekend, and I hope the Chipping Norton International Chiropodists Convention went really well.
Love Paul
xxxxxx
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Robert. What can I say, mate?
Very bloody funny!
I hope you don’t mind, but me and H have swapped your ‘How babies are made’ DVD for something a bit more useful. I wanted to get Classic Grand Prix moments, but Helen pointed out that Moulin Rouge would be great, and it would remind us of our weekend in Paris.
As you will learn if you ever get a girlfriend who isn’t inflatable (hahaha), you have to keep them sweet, so I agreed.
Anyway, that Nicole Kidman mate, I mean!
West side!
See ya mate!
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Dear ‘Peachy’,
Thank you for the Cookery Book. It has some amazing recipes in it, and I already tried the first one out. Mind you I am a fantastic cook. Sometimes I amaze myself!
My egg was the b*****ks! I mean, the egg, right? Brilliant! Just perfect, still a bit runny in the middle! Blinding with soldiers!
I am glad you enjoyed watching me on Big Brother so much. It was amazing. Really, really mad. You are right, they were nasty to me, and it wasn’t nice, not nice at all.
I’m afraid I don’t have a picture of myself in those light blue boxer shorts to send you at the moment, but I hope you like this great shot of me at Kev’s party last week.
Best wishes
Paul
P.S. It was fancy dress
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Dear ROB
Thanks for the thought, girl, but I am afraid I am returning your present in the post.
Underwear is a thoughtful gift, but please keep yours to yourself. Alternatively, you could send them to Biggin Hill for use as a wind sock.
I don’t know how you got my address, but please do not contact me here again.
Ever.
Yours Respectfully
Paul Clarke