[Ninastar]

So many brave people on here. makes me feel selfish for not realising it.

I dont know where to start really. i guess i could start with the fact that I was born in Scotland...

I was born in scotland in a town on the coast. I lived there for a few months and then we moved to Pensacola, Florida. I wish I could remember living there because it was beautiful. But I was only 6 months old. We then moved to Italy where I stayed until I was 2.

When in Italy, outside the apartment we lived in there was a box on the side of the road. Inside it we found some kittens (I say this like i walked outside and found them myself... I didn't. Anyway) and we still have one of them to this day. He's very old now. I fear we are going to lose him soon. it terrifies me. I've had him in my life longer than my sisters. I think that's my biggest fear at the minute. Loosing our cat. I'm not ready and I know it will kill me when it does happen.

Anyway... I moved from Italy, back to America (Maryland) when I was 4. We stayed there for 7 years and I miss it so much. I think that was the happiest point of my life growing up over there. I don't know whether I want to go back or not.

We moved to England when I was 10/11 and have stayed in the same house since.

When my grandmother died in 2005, we had to go up to Scotland every weekend for pretty much a year to help my Grandad fix the house up. It was a fire and the living room, office, kitchen and laundry room were destroyed. My grandad tried to save my grandma, but he couldn't. He ran out to the main road for help, but 3 people drove past until 1 man finally stopped.

I don't think the was fixed until a year and a half later.

it's awful, but this event happening in my life has pretty much ****ed my life up. My mum ended up with depression and had a drinking disorder. Its pretty much the reason my grandma died (she drank too much and took sleeping pills and fell asleep whilst smoking). For the longest time, my mother was a horrible horrible woman. I could have honestly said I hated her. My parents split up and it was that bad that my sisters and I wanted to move away and live with my dad.

I think once my mum realised this, she knew she had done wrong. She stopped drinking (replaced it with smoking) and went to the doctors and they put her on medication immediately. She's like a different woman now. The woman i loved growing up. She's like my best friend.

Which is why I'm struggling so much at the minute.

I have no idea what i want to do in life. I hate my job right now. It's an awful place to work in. I know i'm going to leave soon, but I don't know what I want to do career wise. It's really messing with me. I'm stuck and I don't know what to do.

God this sounds all like doom and gloom, but i am pretty happy i guess. I'm just going through a tough time.