A day with Big Brother
By ADAM ZWAR
02may04
ADAM ZWAR kept a diary when he was invited to test conditions in the new Big Brother house this week as the countdown began for the third series of the hit show
MONDAY 9AM: Enter house. New exterior is Mediterranean. Kitchen is 1970s kitsch as is the lounge area complete with dance floor. Bedroom is made up of six single beds and four doubles, all sitting on an orange shag-pile carpet.
Bathroom is bright pink. A camera stares down on you while you are on the loo. The good news is that it only gets turned on if you are suspected of doing something "interesting" in there. And, no, simply going to the toilet is not considered "interesting".
10AM TO 12PM: Chat idly by the pool. Wonder where the others have gone. Go in search.
12.15PM: "The others" are in the bedroom and have reserved themselves a bed. Those of us lazing by the pool have to negotiate to sleep in one of the three double beds with one of "the others".
The girl on the double bed closest asks if I have "boy-girl issues or boy-boy issues". Tell her that the gender of my bedmate doesn't bother me.
This is a lie. Although the double beds are wide (two single beds joined together) the idea of sharing a doona with a smelly bloke holds little appeal.
LUNCH: Big Brother announces that food has been left in the storeroom, located behind the kitchen. There is chicken, a leg of ham, bread and some salad. We make sandwiches and discuss the Logies.
2PM: Discover that a fellow housemate went to the same university as me. I talk disparagingly about one of the lecturers. She says she liked that lecturer. In fact, said lecturer is one of her best friends.
Apologise for indiscretion and ponder that if this was the real thing, it wouldn't take long for the Australian public to get sick of me. Imagine promos: "Adam the backstabber. Who will he bag tonight?"
3PM: Spend hour in the gym. Apart from making a sandwich, it is the only constructive thing I've done all day.
Have shower. No hot water. I think it's personal: "Big Brother wants to torment the journalist." Later, discover everyone's shower has been cold.
6PM: Lamb roast for dinner. One of the male housemates cooks it. He's a big bloke with tats. Does a fine job, too. There's beer and wine to go with it. After dinner, Big Brother announces the hot water has been turned on and orders the girls to shower. This gives the lads a chance to talk.
Apart from me, all the guys are single, while most of the girls are in relationships. The guys are frustrated by the imbalance, but I suggest they not lose hope. They counter that three days is too short a time to convince any of the girls to have a fling, then proceed to talk about each of the "fairer sex" in glorious detail. Later, executive producer Kris Noble will tell me that this made the best television of the day.
"We were able to cut between you guys talking about the girls and the girls in the shower. Maybe it was too spicy. But it was great TV," he says.
7PM TO 9PM: More great television as a beer-fuelled housemate considers long-jumping across the 4.5m-wide pool. He does a few warm-up jumps before being called to the diary room and scolded.
9PM TO 10.30PM: Big Brother presents us with a list of discussion topics.
They range from "The Strangest Place You've Had Sex" to "Does Size Matter?" Most housemates think size matters and a church is the strangest place of copulation.
After a request to ponder the attractiveness of body hair, Big Brother called an end to the game. Music starts pumping and the dance floor lights up. Some go for a boogie while the rest sit on the couch and freak each other out with ghost stories.
BEDTIME: 11.30PM. After drawn-out negotiations, I land the worst bed. It's next to the air conditioner. At least I didn't have to sleep with a bloke. I got the girl because I was married. She said she felt safe with me.
Big Brother locks the door to the bedroom. No way to get out. A couple of revellers continue to party in the pink bathroom. Put jumper over head to protect self from air conditioner as well as party.
TUESDAY: Awake when the fluoros are turned on.
"This is Big Brother. Adam, please make your way to the diary room." I'm ordered to collect my bag and return do the diary room straight away. Some want to know what I'm up to. Tell them I'm taking my bag to the diary room and will be "back in a minute". But I never go back. There was some jangling of keys, a door opened and I was ushered into the free world. No goodbyes, nothing. The others still had another night to go.
Memo to the real housemates: Grab a bed as soon as possible. The best beds are the singles either end of the room.
Forget about escaping. The walls are designed so they are extremely hard to climb over. And if you do get over, there's another fence to negotiate.
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