'Leave it to me!', said the producer.
OK EVERYONE, THIS IS BIG BROTHER. PLEASE REMAIN CALM.
WE HAVE JUST LEARNED THAT THE SO-CALLED KILLER BEES ARE IN FACT A SIMILAR BUT COMPLETELY HARMLESS BREED. THEY HAVE BEEN DISTURBED FROM MR BUMBLES, A NEARBY ORGANIC APIARY, BY THE ASSEMBLED PAPARAZZI, WHO HAVE BEEN GATHERING OUTSIDE.
THEY WOULD HAVE PASSED OVER, EXCEPT THAT WE BELIEVE THEY WERE ATTRACTED TO THE GROUNDS BY BRIAN'S HONEYGLOW SUNTAN LOTION.
THE SMOKE YOU HAVE SEEN AND SMELT IS IN FACT A BEE SEDATIVE, WHICH WE ARE NOW VENTING THROUGH THE ROOF OF THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE.
COULD ALL THE HOUSEMATES PLEASE WAIT IN THE BOYS BEDROOM UNTIL THE SLEEPING BEES HAVE BEEN COLLECTED BY MR BUMBLE AND HIS ASSOCIATES.
'Hang on, is the air clear in there? Because we've got a baby here to think about!’ said Paul, who was protectively huddled around his wife and child.
'Good point!' said Stuart
BIG BROTHER CAN ASSURE YOU THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR NOW, THE AIR QUALITY IS EXCELLENT. NOW, AS A PURELY PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE, PLEASE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND WE WILL CALL YOU OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
As she was closest to the bedroom, and still murmuring her disapproval at the proceedings, Elizabeth reluctantly led the way. She was still smarting about the Cluedo incident, and felt the entire thing had been a cynical ploy to undermine her housemate’s perception of her undoubted intellectual superiority.
A short time later Big Brother announced that they could safely leave the bedroom.
Everyone had calmed down, and the mood had lifted considerably thanks to Bowden, who had started to smile broadly at every face that loomed above him.
'You know, H&P, you two really are the luckiest people in the whole world, such a lovely little baby, a real little love, isn't he eh?' said Penny
Bubble was uncharacteristically quiet for a moment, before adding, 'Yeah, I'd forgotten how great it was when they first start smiling'
'I think I'm going to be sick. Any minute now we'll have to have a bloody group hug or something!'said Narinder, scowling.
'That's a really great idea, actually!' said Elizabeth, suddenly remembering she had to resume her kind and thoughtful persona. If the paparazzi were gathering, then SOMETHING was going to happen...
HELLO BIG BROTHER HOUSE, THIS IS DAVINA
'Oh my God!' shouted Helen, 'one of us is going! It’s bound to be me guys, and I haven’t fed Bowden'
‘They won’t make you leave him behind H, even if it is you, but it won’t be!’
Paul reassured Helen, feeling even more proud and loving towards her because her first thought had been for the baby, and not her hair.
CAN YOU ALL PLEASE ASSEMBLE AROUND THE TABLE IN THE GARDEN
A WEEK AGO, BIG BROTHER ANNOUNCED A CHALLENGE TO THE NATION, WHICH IS TO BE UNDERTAKEN BY ONE OF THE HOUSEMATES.
FOR THE PAST WEEK, VIEWERS HAVE BEEN PHONING IN TO NOMINATE THE HOUSEMATE THEY WOULD MOST LIKE TO SEE UNDERTAKING THAT TASK.
THE ONE WITH THE MOST VOTES WILL BE LEAVING IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE ANNOUNCEMENT IS MADE
All the housemates looked at each other in amazement
THE HOUSEMATE WITH THE MOST VOTES WILL HAVE TO COMPLETE THE TASK ON THE OUTSIDE WITHIN 24 HOURS OF LEAVING.
IF THEY ARE SUCCESSFUL, THEY WILL BE ABLE TO RE-ENTER THE HOUSE AND WILL BE ASKED TO CHOOSE WHO SHOULD BE THE FIRST EVICTEE.
IF THEY FAIL THE CHALLENGE, THEY WILL BE EVICTED
I WILL BE REVEALING THE NAME OF THE HOUSEMATE WITH THE MOST VOTES IN FIVE MINUTES
Elizabeth sat staring at a knot on the table surface. That was it then! She was out. She smiled at the other housemates.
'Yes, alright, I know. I only got 2% of the popular vote last time' she said. ‘If the task is awful, they’ll jump at the chance to make me do it’
'Well that was unfair last time, you had been grossly misrepresented' said Dean. Josh joined with Amma, Brian and Bubble to strongly agree with him.
'Well I think the camera speaks for itself, and at least you didn't have a flaming newspaper calling you a love rat, and the housemates ganging up on you even after you'd gone' said Paul
'They was all wrong about Paul, anyway, love him!' said Helen, standing on her tip-toes to kiss his cheek. 'He was lovely then and he is lovely now, and he's a gentleman and he's really nice, and he's got fantastic cheekbones, and there's still all those lights...'
Helen was rocking from side to side, counting Paul's qualities out loud on her fingers when she suddenly realised how quiet it was and looked up.
'Shut up Helen!!' they all chorused, with the exception of Paul, who gave her a big squeeze and whispered 'Fair do's!' in her ear.
‘What I would like to know is, what is the task they’ve set?’ said Paul
‘Actually, that’s a good point’ said Stuart, begrudgingly.
BIG BROTHER HOUSE, THIS IS DAVINA.
I AM NOW GOING TO LET YOU KNOW WHAT THE CHALLEGE IS
‘Oh, if it’s something physical, I’ll die!’ said Brian
‘Shhh Brian!’ said Josh
THE EVICTED HOUSEMATE WILL BE CHALLENGED TO ………………………………………………………………..
ABSEIL BLINDFOLDED DOWN CANARY WHARF!
‘You are joking! That’s Brilliant!’ said Paul
‘Oh my God I’m not doing that!’ said Helen
‘You might not have a choice Helen’ said Dean. ‘To be fair, and not meaning to be sexist, I hope the public is sensible enough to vote for one of the guys’
‘You speak for yourself, Dean Loughlin!’ said Brian. ‘I will not do that! If it’s me, than I’ll just have to be evicted’.
‘Brian, you can do that, it’s easy!’ said Josh
‘I’ll have to take your word for that’ he replied
BIG BROTHER HOUSE, THIS IS DAVINA AGAIN. I CAN NOW REVEAL THE NAME OF THE HOUSEMATE WHO THE VIEWERS HAVE VOTED TO UNDERTAKE THIS CHALLENGE
THE FIRST HOUSEMATE TO LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE WILL BE………………………………..
