[T*]

Look at the size of the plates in the United States
They’re not as big as the pyjamas in the Bahamas

They might squeeze on Tina from Argentina
But they’d bury Bolivia’s Olivia.

Have you ever sat on a bench and tried to speak French?
Or been chased by the police in Belize?
If you’ve never kissed a Buddha whilst in Bermuda,
Then you might be a bit hasty in Haiti
And then you can’t poo whilst holidaying in Peru
But nudism would see you banned from Greenland.

Welcome to Jamaica where you’ll find yourself a stranger
Is he from Uruguay or Guatemala?

In the Caribbean, you can buy some drugs
But Venezuela is where you’ll find the thugs
Which do you prefer, either or?
Would you rather someone from Chile, Brazil or Ecuador?

Now we’ve reached Guam, would you please tell me mam
That I’ve left her my washing and eaten the spam
I’ll send her a postcard once I’ve reached San Juan

It’s cold and it’s raining back in Jolly ol’
But it’s full of people who came in from a famous Pole

This is the end of my song, it’s as silly as a thong
I really don’t know how to end
What was asked of me, was an impossible task and now it’s sent me quite round the bend…
I’m not sure I understood it or even had a good start
So now I’ll just end with a FART…