[Mrluvaluva]

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE TOILET CHEZ HUTTON.........

Ant'knee (foolishly) takes a leak whilst Craig sits on the side of the bath, playfully twisting the head off the pink doll in a frilly long dress/toilet paper cover and gazing longingly at Ant'knee'...ermmm....member!!!.......suddenly with a fleetness of foot hitherto unseen in the slightly portly, well downright overweight Norfolk kno*end, Craig springs from the bath and positions himself right next to Ant'knee......

Ant'knee: " Fookin' hell man wat ya doin' like, why ya puttin' ya hands there!!!"

Cromer Craig: " Oh My God ( blub, blub) I DON"T BELIEVE YOU ANFFFONNNKNEEEE ( sob, sob), I put my hand on your co*k, as a friend ( sniffle, sniffle) and you're DISGUSTED, I make ya sick ( tiny tears, tiny tears). Ya let that b!tch touch it though didn't ya. Didn't complain when SHE did it ( breaksdown)".

Ant'knee: " Yeah but she was me ex-fiancee like , and we'd been goin' out for like two years and that..."

Crying Crimper: " but...but...but...I..love...you...and..God..why do I bother....I worship the ground you walk on.
.....and I won't say it cos you'll not like it......

Ant'knee: "Don't say it man like".

Cretinous Craig: "I won't say it..(puts hands to his mouth and whispers.... whilst still gazing at Ant'knee's co*k , which for some inexplicable reason is still out!!....I...WOULD...LIKE...TO...SLEEP...WITH..
YOU.."

Ant'knee: " But yas been sharing me bed for two month now like, in a manly way like".

Craig: "Anffonkneee what's all that noise, sounds like, police sirens, horses....and a helicopter?!!!!!"

Nana Hutton: ( voice shaking and hands quivering tries to open the toilet door..it's locked!!!!)
..... " Awww comeon now pet, let our Ant'knee out there's a love. There's some nice men downstairs in white coats and that like , who'd like a word with ya pet".

T!tboy: " I've told ya before old woman , back off. I'm not an instigator starter but if anyone touches Anffonknee I'll rip their arms off!!!".

(An un-characteristically quick witted Ant'knee siezes the opportunity of Nana Hutton and Craig arguing to button up his trousers and using a mascara pen ( which he uses for make-up in his stage show..... in a manly way ) to write a message on a sheet of toilet paper, which he places in one of the many empty bottles of massage lotion strewned around the toilet and tosses it out of the window).

Ant'knee: " Craig ya knows I like yas as a mate like, but ermm that like sex like innuendo and that like, ya got ta fookin' cut it out".

Creepy Craig: ( sobbing) " why do you treat me like sh!t. I will not diminish my character any further for the sake of this friendship..end of.

Craig grabs Ant'knee around the neck...

"..do ya want a massage Anfffonkneee???. Can I touch ya???"

Ant'knee:


Suddenly Craig is distracted by the strains of a familiar song......

"Oh baby, baby, how was I supppose to know..."

Craig: " It's ....BRITNEY".


The crazed Crimper, loosens his grip on Ant'knee and begins to dance wildly around the toilet.


Outside a huuuuuge crowd has gathered, held back by the telltale sign of blue and white police tape. A helicopter wurrs above....officers in riot gear, TV crews, a whole media circus. Davina Macoll ( dressed in black) is working the crowd. Many have banners.....PC Jenkins holds the empty massage lotion bottle in his hand, the hastily written note, in Ant'knee's barely legible childish handwriting, held tightly in his gloved fist.It reads:

"help...being holded hoostaige, by Crag, he's a fookin'' meantallist...he says we'll be two gether four ever...he says me dancing carrear is over like.......and that I'll never boogie oogie oggie till I just can't boogie no more again!!!!....get me out like....ya got ta distrate him....play some music like....Britney Shears....Hit Me Baby One More Time.....get a hoostaige negotia..negoati...someone who can talk to him like...there's only one woman for that job like...ya knows who I mean....hurry up like...cheers Ant'knee"


Suddenly this quiet street in Consett Co. Durham resembles a biblical scene as the crowd starts to part like the Red Sea.....from amidst the darkness, the noise and confusion emerges a figure...dressed in a black PVC mini -dress, weilding a truncheon...the voice is loud and distinctive, authoritative yet strangely annoying....

..."at the end of the daaaaay riiiiight...I KNOW I'm good looking and 'ave blokes fallin' at my feet and I'm a fookin' top hostage negotiator"