[Mrluvaluva]

EPISODE 4 "Every 'witch'way but lose".



MEANWHILE BACK IN THE TOILET OF ANT'KNEE'S SMALL BUT COMFORTABLE TERRACED HOUSE, TENSIONS ARE RUNNING HIGH........

The Cromer Crimper: " OMG it's Lesleeh...Lesleeeh, Lesleeeeehhhh!!! Is that you love ?. Team Britney rises again, they're playing our song Lesleeehh...'my lonliness is killing me...' Oh too right Britney, too bloody right love, you speak the truth girl....'I must confess I still believe, still believe'...Oh Anfffonkneee I STILL BELIEVE..BELIEVE IN US!!!!"

Ant'knee:

Crazy Craig: " Do ya like Britney Anfffonkneee?"

Ant'knee: " Nah man, she's not one of me favourites like."


MEANWHILE OUTSIDE THE HOUSE IN A SCENE REMINESCENT OF AL PACINO IN A "DOG'S DAY AFTERNOON".... Warner Bros pictures (1971) directed by Sidney Lumet.... PC JENKINS IS A WORRIED MAN.....

PC Jenkins: " Come on Fat Les pet, I thought ya could get him out".

Lesleeh: " Listen mate I'm tryin' me best, he doesn't even know if he's out yet, wat chance 'ave I got. Comeone Craigie, for Team Britney's sake come out love, ya know ya can't hurry love, you just got to wait..it don't come easy, it's a game of give and take"

PC Jenkins: " Ermm Fat Les pet, yas sure that's standard hostage negotiation technique?"

Lesleeeh: " ya calling me a bully , are ya??, are ya ? cos I ain't bothered right...cos at the end of the daaaay riight...Craigie listen babe, ya got to give up, just pull ya self together, get a grip ya soft g!t".

Cromer Craig: " OMG Lesleeeh not you too. I can't believe it ( blub, blub) you've turned against me, just like that b!tch Vanessa ( tiny tears, tiny tears), everyone hates me, no-one asks me; if I want a cup of tea no-one asks me...I hate people. Anfffonkneeeee you've rejected me and I can't go on any longer...just kill me ( breaksdown)".

Ant'knee: ( whisper) "don't tempt us like" ."fookin' 'ell. Wat's wrong with yas like, man. You're acting like a geek!"

Crying Craig: " ohhh you b!tch"

With that Craig slaps a stunned Ant'knee square in the face.

Ant'knee: " Mam, Nana help us like, he's turning nasty!!!!".

Craig: " Kiss me Anfffonknee and I'll forgive you".

Ant'knee: "No like".


A loud wailing sound is heard throughout Co. Durham.

Lesleeeh: " at the end of the daaaay riight, I'm ya friend Craigie, just come out and I'll give ya a cuddle".

Ant'knee: " Yeah do as she says man, like. If yas gaan down stairs with us, I'll stuck yas fingers".

Craig: "OHHHHHHHH!! ANFFFONNNKNEEEEE!!! I knew you loved me."

Ant'knee:

Ant'knee and the Cromer Crimper gingerly make their way downstairs. Ma and Nana Hutton are waiting outside nervously with PC Jenkins. As they reach the front door Craig suddenly stops and producing from the back pocket of his saggy jeans a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs:

Ant'knee: "WTF yas doin' with them like?"

Craig: "Ohhhhh Anfffonknee I was saving them for later ( puts hands to his mouth).......WHEN..WE'RE....IN....BED"

Ant'knee: " Jesus man, d'yas ever stop like".

Craig: " But just to make sure..."

Craig slaps one side of the pink fluffy cuffs on Ant'knee's right wrist the other one on his left wrist.

Craig: "I'll like to see them part us now".

With that he opens the door to be greeted by the sight of the baying mob, Davina having worked them into a frenzy. A telephone vote has been going on all evening as to whether or not Craig should be section, so far 78% say yes, although there have been problems with some of the text vote registering. They keep coming back saying
"you're vote for Orlaith has not been counted". The helicopter still wurrs overhead and the mass ranks of the riot squad prepare themselves for battle.

Lesleeeh: " That's it Craigie just come out bit by bit. Now Step away from the 70s disco dancer. I repeat step away from the 70s disco dancer"

Ant'knee: ( whisper) " I have to give to Fat Les, this is text boooke stuff."


All is going well when suddenly the clip, clop, clap sound of tiny stilletoes breaks the night air.......

" Don't trust Fat Les, she's a mole as well....I'm sure of it, call herself a hostage negotiator. She couldnt negotiate her way out of a club toilet, and let's face it baby doll that's where most of YOUR sexual enconters have taken place. Excuse me PC Jenkins baby doll Sir, there's only one way to end this siege. You gotta punk that psycho b!tch Craig!!! BTW PC Jenkins you look fabulous in that uniform darhlin'"

PC Jenkins ( blushing profusely) " why thank yas officer Kemal...but.....ermmm...wat in the blue blazes are yas doin' man!!! yas just jeopardised a very delicate operation!!!".

Officer Kemal" Opps sorry baby doll, damn I knew I should have brought my strawberry lip gloss....hey lola...hey lolaaaa" Officer Kemal begins to belly dance for the crowd.

Creintous Craig: " I knew it, just knew it...Anfffonkneee they've tricked me ( blub, blub) They want to separate us...never..who will massage you, who will cook for you...who will wipe your ar$e?" ( cry, cry!!).

Craig suddenly reaches for the back pocket of his saggy jeans again and produces a pair of hair clippers. He grabs Ant'knee round the neck and aims the weapon at the 70s disco dancer's carefully plucked eyebrows!!!!

"Listen coppers, I've got hairclippers and I ain't afraid to use 'em!!!"

Nana Hutton: " Sweet Jesus not our Ant'knee's eyebrows...anything but the eyebrows. PC Jenkins yas gottta do something like pet, anything.....ANYTHING!!!!"

Ant'knee: (whispers)"Damn yas Kemal, I knew it were a bad idea yas gaaning into the police force...that was a school boy error like"

Craig : ( shouting through his tears) ' YOU"LL NEVER SPILT US UP.... I LOVE ANFFONKNEE AND HE LOVES ME...ONE MILLION PER CENT...ENDOF!!!!"

PC Jenkins: " This is disastrous...but I've got an idea...it's risky and I'll need authorisation from the top".

Officer Kemal: " Ohhh baby doll, you don't mean authorisation from Superintendant Sir Tommy Robson, twin brother of Toon legend Sir Bobby Robson, former manager of Newcastle and England, Sir ???!!!".

PC Jenkins: " I do indeed Kemal, I do indeed. It's not often we have to call on such high ranking officers, but what I've got in mind ....well its's big. Kemal".

Officer Kemal: " If you say so baby doll Sir" (snort, snort, )

Pc Jenkins: " Honestly Kemal, be serious. I want yas to phone Sir Tommy; this is a fight of good against evil and we're losing.....so we've gotta fight fire with fire......"

Officer Kemal: " Oh my days baby doll Sir, you don't mean.....go over to the other side???!!!..."

PC Jenkins: " Yes...we're going to have to contact the spirit world. Once Superintendant Robson gives you the go ahead, call Mary the Witch. Tell her to rendez vous with us in the grave yard of the Church of the Immaculate Conception, Consett at midnight....she's gonna do a seance...and contact....the dark side....she's gonna get.....The Dark Deceiver!!!!! "

Officer Kemal: " Oh...My....Days.....what drama...where are my accessories....comeone headscarf...b!tch don't fail me now..."