[Mrluvaluva]

Episode 5 - "The Dark Deceiver Cometh"


It's midnight in the grave yard of the church of the Immaculate Conception Consett, Co. Durham....the night is chilled and expectant...something dark, something mysterious hangs heavy in the fetid air, something evil, something deadly stalks the land ( and it's not Craig Coates!!).......a solitary owl, sitting on the impressive branch of an ancient oak tree, hoots; its round form silhouetted against the clear, luminous moon, high in the pitch black sky....there is stillness...there is malevolence...there is fear.....


PC Jenkins: " Officer Kemal stop holding my hand".

Kemal: "Sorry baby doll Sir but I'm scared; this is well spooky".

Superintendant Robson: " So let me get this right...Colin the flower arranger.."

Pc Jenkins: " No Craig the hairdresser".

Robson: " yes yes, is holding Andrew the ballet dancer hostage?".

Pc Jenkins: " is holding Ant'knee the 70s disco dancer hostage".

Robson: "Yes! YES! hostage at his respectable terraced house in Consett, Co. Durham..and Colin is in love with Andrew?".

Officer Kemal: " No baby doll Superintendant Sir, Craig is in love with Ant'knee. Ant'knee likes him as a friend, athough he does hug him alot.... in a manly way, but between you and me baby doll Sir, I think Ant'knee's bi".

Robson: " Bi? bi what? So Colin's a fella like and he loves Andrew who's also a fella like..I don't get it?"


PC Jenkins to officer Kemal:

Officer Kemal: " Where you been baby doll Sir, get with the programme...it's 2005!!! hello!!!"

Robson: "Hey look son, I may be old school but I run a forward looking police force these days, open to all. BTW are you two coming to the Police Benevolent Ball next week?".

PC Jenkins; " Ay Sir , who's the guest speaker?"

Robson: " Bernard Manning!".

Jenkins to Kemal:

Suddenly from amongst the gravestones, a shadowy figure appears. Dark hair flowing behind her in the night breeze..eyes, clear and blue, intense..very intense..its's Mary.


PC Jenkins: " Hello Mary pet, thanks for coming."

Mary: " That's fine, now listen we haven't got much time and I'm not sure I can do this.This is dangerous stuff you're asking me to do. The risks are high and my aura is low".

Officer Kemal: " Oh my days, I'm scared!!!

Kemal hides behind a gravestone, sucking his knuckles.

Mary: " now all hold hands and concentrate...I call upon hecarte and the spirits of the night..oh Dark Deceiver, System Lord, do you hear me...?"

NOTHING.

Mary: " Dark Deceiver, if you're there give me a sign!".

Suddenly a low, plummy voice is heard, faintly but the words are ennuciated beautifully:

"GHASTLY!!"

Officer Kemal: "oh my days...it's Derek!!!".

Mary: " Dark Decevier, we call upon you and your evil forces to help us in our hour of need. The Cromer Crimper has taken leave of his senses. He is holding Ant'knee hostage, threatening to shave his eyebrows off and basically wants a piece of the Geordie 70s disco dancer....can you speak to Craig?".

Dark Deceiver: " What me ? a man of impeccable taste and breeding ?; a man who has dined at some of the finest restuarants in London?; a man who has sipped fine wines in some of the most fashionable drawing rooms in the country?; a man who has holidayed at some of the most sort after resorts in the world. Ohhh and that reminds me ..did I tell you about the time...many, many years ago when I dined with the late princess Margaret at her private residence in Mustique ? It was a frightfully glittering occasion, the champagne and conversation flowed, such civilised people, oh and Margaret, dear sweet Margaret was absolutely charming...."

Mary: " That's all very well and good Dark Deceiver, but we have more pressing matters, Craig's insanity...oh hang on I'm feeling something...... or someone else...."

Robson: "What is it pet ?"

Mary: " I can feel another force, two, they're loud and boistrous, disruptive..I don't like it and I'm feeling ill".

Robson: " This was all your stupid idea Jenkins!"

Mary: " Something else is definitely coming.."

" Ha ha, don't grind ya teef at me like a dog...its game on ...dog eat dog...end of!!!"

" AHHH it's ********** mint to be set free again...this is gonna be off...the..hook!!!"

Officer Kemal: " oh my days, Mary you B!tch witch, you've conjured up Maxwell and Saskia!!!!"

PC Jenkins: " Mary this is serious. It could have devastating effects on world peace."

Mary: " I'm sooo sorry; that was the risk of contacting the Dark Deceiver. I've opened up a vortex in the underworld and the poltergeists of Max and Saskia have slipped through!!"

Officer Kemal: " So where are they now?".

Mary:" Anywhere, but I'm thinking that they'll want to regroup Team Smug so they're probably flying to Ant'knee's house as we speak".

Robson: " Well we better get back pronto. But what of the Dark Deceiver?"

Dark Deceiver: " Oh helloooo there..I do like a man in uniform. You must be the Superinendant, enchantee"

Robson: " WTF Where did yas come from like?"

Dark Deceiver: " Delighted to meet you, you do look familiar. Did you attend Daphne and Binky Parker-Jones' garden party last year?"

Robson: " Ermm..no like".

PC Jenkins: "Look Dark Deceiver, no time for pleasantries, we need to get to Ant'knee's Nana's ...NOW".

Dark Deceiver: " Well that's all very well and good, but I do have my demands. Really if you expect me to walk amongst those Northern peasants, dirty from the coal mines, I expect at the very leaast that you contact my housekeeper. Tell her to collect a selection of my favourite Barbra Streisand CDs, "Evergreen", " Don't Rain on My Parade" and the entire soundtrack from "Yentl". I also require a chaffeur driver Rolls Royce, caviar, fois gras and the finest Bollinger BTW you DO look fabulous in that uniform Kemal...blue serge is definitely your colour!".

PC Jenkins:

Robson: "Done let's go".

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE STREET.......


Craig: (crying) " I can't take any more of this. Where's the copper gone. I demand a plane and two one way tickets to Puerto Rico for me and my boyfriend ( looks at Ant'knee) in the names of Britney and Chico; and I want them now".

Ant'knee: " Wat yas on man, like".

Craig: " It's the only way Anffonkneee that we can be together...why are you pretending..don't you remember last night?"

Ant'knee:

Craig: ( puts hands to his mouth) YOU...SNOGGED..ME!!".

Ant'knee: " Don't lie man, don't says them things like. I told yas before, I likes yas as a mate; ay but yas gonna ruin that friendship, if yas says them things like; that and the fact that yas taken me hostage and terrified me Nana and me mam".

Craig: " Oh ANFFFONNNKNEEEEE!!!, why do you do that to me, why do you treat me like sh!t, everyone treats me like sh!t. I needs support, and I'm not getting it from anyone."

Craig puts his hands to his head in a tres camp fashion and starts to cry...again!!1....

Ant'knee:


Suddenly Craig in a fit of desperation makes a run for it, man boobs wobbly wildly under his ill-fitting pink t-shirt. Ant'knee handcuffed to his captor has no choice but to follow, his little hairy legs weak from the ordeal of the past few hours. With surprising speed and agility as if guided by some unknown forces, T!tboy and the 70s disco dancer, dart their way through police lines and reach Nana Hutton's biege Vauxhall Astra. Conveniently the old dear has left the car unlocked and the key in the ignition. They jump in and to the sound and smell of burning rubber speed off, hotly pursued by hundreds of officers in cars, on horseback and motorcycles. Speeding through the night street of Co. Durham, Crazy Craig and Anxious Ant'knee, miraculously lose their pursuers....as if some evil spirits were assisting the Cromer Crimper in his insane plan!!. The Vauxhall Astra pulls up outside Consett Leisure Centre.

Craig: " Right. We've lost them. Anfffonknee we'll hide here till morning..you got your swimmming trunks? If not ( puts hands to his mouth) YOU...COULD...ALWAYS...GO SKINNY..DIPPING!!"

Ant'knee: " Way ay man, wat did I tell yas. Why would I want to ga swimming at 3.00am in the morning like?".

Craig ( hands on hips) Comeone Anffonknee...there's a hot tub in there, please, please (cry, cry). Anyway you've got no choice now ( purses lips) I'M IN CHARGE NOW...I'M THE DOMINANT ONE NOW...DO WHAT I SAY BOY!!!".

Ant'knee:

Ant'knee undresses ( keeping his black boxers on) whilst Craig looks on , smiling snugly...Craig, still handcuffed to the object of his desires then slips out of his pink t-shirt, jeans and underpants. They climb into the hot-tub.

Ant'knee: "WFT yas nakkid for man".

Craig: " Because I want to that's why...oh my God everything I do for you as a friend is just through back in my face ( sob, sob).

Ant'knee fearing more violence tries to calm the troubled waters.

Ant'knee: " You're in a foul mood, I'm ganna try and inject some of my good times into yas".

Craig: ( whispers).."I wish you'd inject something else into me instead!!!"

Suddenly....

...."Oi Craig you big mincer..leave it out..apples and pears, strike a light, Mary Poppins, wat DO you look like".

Craig glances up to the ceiling of the Leisure centre; and there floating high above him are two figures....

Craig: " OMG..it's Maxwell and Saskia"........