[Mrluvaluva]

EPISODE 6 " Off the Hook and off his faaacking rocker".

AFTER BEING TRAPPED WITH HIS KIDNAPPER IN THE HOT - TUB AT THE CONSETT LEISURE CENTRE FOR OVER 17 HOURS ANT'KNEE IS FEELING DECIDEDLY WRINKLED AND SHRIVELLED!!!!!.......

Ant'knee: " Fookin' hell man, like its Maxwell and Sakia like!!! I thought yas had gaan forever like....last time I heard yas had got a magazine deal with "Butcher and Offal Producer's Monthly" and yas wor whisked off like to Clacton -On-Sea for an all expenses paid stay in a two star b&b...wat happened like?"

Maxwell: " well ya know mate it was off...the...hook...I mean holiday in the faaacking sun ( and rain); all the faaaacking trimmings, bed and faaaacking breakfast..full English...evening meal at the local faaaacking "Harvester", photoshoot on Clacton beach, all in the company of a faaaacking gorgeous bird with massive jubblies, we was living like stars...get in there my son".

Saskia: "one million per cent".

Maxwell: " But then the offers dried up...faaack abaaat I thinks to meself ..I'm gonna 'ave to go back to faaaacking plumbing".

Saskia:" one million per cent".

Maxwell: " So strike a light, apples and pears, knees up Muvver Braaawn, I was walkin'' down the frog and toad, wiv Sask on me arm "

Saskia: " One million percent".

Maxwell: "When stone the faaaacking crows, but wat do me mince pies see, only faaaacking Delboy".

Saskia: " Dog eat dog".

Maxwell: " So to cut a long story short, I should bleedin' coco, roll out the barrel, Mary Poppins, pie mash, jellied eels and a pint of mild, I tells ol' Delboy that me and Sas 'ave fallen on 'ard times and 'e reckons 'e can 'elp us".

Saskia : " one million percent."

Maxwell:' Anyways he says summink abaaaat having to make a faaacking Faustian Pact with the Devil or some mallarkey...so I signs me life away in me own faaacking blood".

Saskia : " Game on".

Maxwell: " So would ya faaacking Adam and Eve it, 'es only gone and made us faaaacking immortal...fair dues to the geezer; but we did 'ave to sell our souls to Satan, but still mustn't grumble".

Saskia: " End of!!".

Craig: " OHHHHHH".

Ant'knee: " Wat?"

Maxwell: " Anyways that daft bint Mary, did summink the other night to conjure up Delboy or the Dark Deceiver as 'es callin' himself now...the kn*b...and bob's ya faaaackin' uncle, strike a light, Chas 'n Dave, me and Sask was sucked through some faaaackin' underworld vortex and 'ere we are!!! Result!!!".( sticks tongue out)

Craig: " So are you real Maxwell...'

Maxwell: " As real as I ever was!!!"

Craig: " Oh Maxwell I've missed you so much, Anffonkneee has rejected me,I'm so alone...I'm only human...

Ant'knee: ( whispers to himself) "I wouldn't bet on it like man!"

Craig; " I'm only human Maxwell, (sob, sob,) I can't help having feelings, ( blub, blub).

Maxwell: " Wat ya been doing ya big mincer, kidnapping Ant'knee".

Craig; ( puts hands to his mouth)...BUT...I....LOVE...HIM...AND....HE'S...
G...A...Y...)"

Ant'knee: " fookin' hell man, I can see yas when ya do that like!!".

Maxwell: " Faack abaaaat Craig mate".

Saskia: " one million percent".

Maxwell: " well look take them faacking 'andcuffs off 'im and go and make us all summink to eat".

Craig: " Ohhh Maxwell of course anything for you Maxwell, Can I have a cuddle, can I touch you Maxwell???? please, please, I need a cuddle...and not a manly one!!".

Maxwell: " Sorry Craigie mate; me and Sask are made up of anti-matter and extoplasm, ya arms would go right through us!".

Craig: starts to wail " No-one loves me, they all hate me, I just need support and love, is that so much to ask for. I can't take this anymore, (sob, sob).

Max 'n Sask :


Having prepared a hearty meal for his friends; (from the staff canteen at the Leisure centre, which BTW is conveniently closed for refurbishments but has a splendidly equipped kitchen and well stocked fridge); Craig returns to the pool area. Anthony is relaxing on a lilo.

Craig: " Anfffonkneee can I sit next to you, Anfffonknee do you want a massage...

Ant'knee: " No".

Craig: " foot massage?"

Ant'knee: " No!".

Craig: " head, massage?"

Ant'knee: groan..."NO!"

Craig: "... back massage??.... hand massage?...
shoulder rub?.....neck rub?....groin rub?....co*k rub?".

Ant'knee: " WAT?!!!!!! "

Craig: " Opps did I say that last one out loud? ".

Ant'knee: " Look just leave us alone like."

Craig: "Well if you didn't like it why do you stay hey, hey answer me that boy!!!. The cuffs are off GO! GO! see if I care..'

Ant'knee moves slightly in his lilo...

Craig: ( crying hysterically) Oh NO! NO!!! DON"T LEAVE ME ANFFFONKEEEEEE.I CAN'T STAND TO BE IN A ROOM WITHOUT YOU . YOU KNOW I CAN'T . I STILL FEEL YOUR PRESENCE WHEN YOU'RE NOT THERE.DON'T LEAVE ME PLEASE...PLEASE...( sob, sob).

Ant'knee: " and where the fook am I gonna go to. You've barricaded the doors like and I'm trapped in a Leisure Centre with two ghosts and a madman...oh my head hurts".

Craig: " let me kiss it better, my poor Anffonknee"

Craig leans over, surreptiously covering himself with a large white towel. With his right hand he starts to stroke Ant'knee's forehead. But where is his left hand???. Suddenly from the corner of his eye Ant'knee can see vigorous movements of the towel around Craig's groin region.

Ant'knee: " Wat yas doin' man like!!"

Craig: 'Oh Anffonknee why do you always do this to me, I was having a ham shank as a friend and you think I'M DISGUSTING. I make you sick ( cry, cry).

Maxwell: " Look we better get out of here Delboy will have the cops after us soon. Look I know a living room with a big yella sofa where the four of us can sit and talk about farting, burping and vomiting to our hearts content."

Craig: " Ohh where's that?"

Maxwell: " my mum's house. She went on holiday the day I got evicted and I've not heard from her since; and me dad sold up and didn't leave a forwarding address."

Craig: " Ain't that funny, my family did the same".

Saskia: " Mine too"

Ant'knee: ( whispers to himself) "I never thought I'd be saying this like, but Derek man, I needs yas big time, ya posh t!t......"