[Mrluvaluva]

EPISODE 7 " The Hunt for Cromer Craig".

MEANWHILE OUTSIDE NANA HUTTON'S SMALL BUT PERFECTLY FORMED SEMI-DETACHED TERRACE HOUSE IN CONSETT CO. DURHAM, THE MEDIA CIRCUS CONTINUES.....

Davina: ( dressed in black) "This is Davina, you're live on "BB6 The Aftermath", please do not swear. I'm here ouside Nana Hutton's house with the crowd"

( BOOOOOOOOO!!!!, someone throws an orange!!);

"....as we wait for news of Craig and Ant'knee's whereabouts, following the Crimper's dramatic dash for Freedom. As you know the voting has been going on all day; the question :' What would YOU like to inject into Craig' ( pulls silly face). So far 56% of you have said rat poison,30% stricknine, 14% anything lethal!!!. So crowd what do you think...."

BB Mob:"ORLAITH....ORLAITH...ORLAITH..
OUT..OUT..OUT!!!" more oranges thrown.

Davina ( flustered) " Anyway join me in 4 for more updates".


MEANWHILE INSIDE NANA HUTTON'S FRONT ROOM ARE THE DARK DECEIVER, MA HUTTON AND SEVERAL MEMBERS OF ANT'KNEE'S DISCO DANCING TROOP THE STRETCH LIMO BOOGIE BOYS.....

Ma Hutton: "Sa would yas like some tea like Dark Deceiver pet like?"

Dark Deceiver: " Do you have any darjeeling or lapsangsuchon?; and I trust the cups are the finest bone china. I simply cannot drink out of anything else my dear woman"

Ma Hutton: "Ermmm, well like it's PG tips pet and I bought the cups from Argos like..will that do?"

The Dark Deceiver shoots a look of utter contempt at Ma Hutton.

Dark Deceiver; " No it certainly will not do...ghastly!!!! This is how I imagine that pesant Science lives...this really is too much...too much.."

Just then the strains of Michael Jackson fill the room.....

"I just can't, I just can't. I just can't control my feet, I just can't, I just can't, I just can't control my feet..don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame it on the moonlight, don't blame it on the good times...blame it on the boogie...."

Dark Deceiver: " What the dickens is going on in this God forsaken place!!"

Disco dancers 1, 2 and 3 of Ant'knee troop, sashay into the lounge, whooping and spinning....

Disco Dancer No.1 : " Hiya Ma Hutton, sorry ta hear 'boot wor Ant'knee like".

Disco Dancer No.2 : " Wey ay Ma Hutton, yea sorry 'boot wor Ant'knee like; so we thought we'd come ova like an' cheers yas up, the only way wes knows how...with disco....."

" Le Freak c'est chic..."

Dark Deceiver to Disco dancer no.3: " I say young man...you DO have awfully big...biceps...do you...work out??!!!'

Disco dancer no.3: " Wey ay Dark Deceiver; everyday like at the Consett Y.M.C.A. We all used to gaan down there with wor Ant'knee. The lads there a right friendly an' that".

Disco dancer no. 1&2 " Ay".

" Oh what a wow..he's the greatest dancer".

Disco Dancer no. 3: " Sa any road Dark Deceiver I thought yas was conjured up like to find Ant'knee like?"

Dark Deceiver: "Well I was dear boy, but by the time I got here with those bungling buffons, Robson, Jenkins and Kemal, our birds had flown as it were, so now I'm stuck in this Northern hellhole while the others have gone to London with Nana Hutton to do some sort of BBLB/ Crmewatch special".

Disco dancer no.3 " Ay I see Dark Deceiver. Sa wat yas gonna do till they come back?"

" Go on now go, walk out the door don't turn around now, you're not welcome anymore".

Dark Deceiver: " Well I am rather at a loose end. One of me, three of you, sounds like a party to me. I say boys, how about you teach me some disco moves and then when we've worked up a sweat we can all go down to the Y.M.C.A for a lovely shower and sauna,now doesn't that sound like absolute fun?".

Disco dancers 1,2 &3 : " Wey ay Dark Deceiver. Now this move is called the cool down, wave ya hand in front of ya face, that's it D.D and shimmy"

"Dance..... boogie wonderland, huh....huh. Dance...boogie wonderlaaaaaannnnddddd".


MEANWHILE IN A STUDIO IN LONDON, A SPECIAL EDITION OF BBLB/ BBBM/CRIMWATCH IS ABOUT TO GO ON AIR......

Dermot: " Er hey!!! it's 21.40 pm and welcome to this special BBLB/BBBM/Crimewatch...or as they say in Kazakstan.."&*@^$£%$^)@)"........Russell.

Russell: "Dermot. Hare Krishna. As you all know the hunt for Craig and Ant'knee continues a pace. And you've been phoning in on the rant line with your views..here's John from Blackpool:

"Just get 'im out, get 'im out, with his head the size of a football ball, and don't show that bloody Craig on the telly at teatime, I can't eat me tea, he makes me sick, get 'im out, get'im out....any road I've hired a bounty hunter from Texas to track him down and bring 'im in...get 'im out...."

Russell: "Well strong feelings as ever John, Fiona."

Fiona Bruce: " Russell. I'm joined in the studio tonight by Superintendant Robson, PC Jenkins and rookie cop officer Kemal, good evening gentlemen."

Robson and Jenkins: " Good evening".

Officer Kemal: " Hi baby doll, ohh did I tell you I've been to drama school and I'm a belly dancer, which camera do I look into; oh and I'm not sure about this eye-shadow baby doll, that b!tch in make-up didn't have a clue...hey lola...hey lolaaaa".

PC Jenkins: " Not now Kemal"

Fiona: " Officers I believe that the BBLB Craig look alike has taken part in a reconstruction. Any new leads?"

Robson: " Well Fiona there have been a number of sightings and we're presently following them up".

Fiona: " Superintendant, I also understand that the police have used unorthodox techniques and called in a medium, Mary and a shadowy figure known as the Dark Deceiver?"

Robson: " Well obviously I cannot disclose any information that may compromise the investigation".

Fiona: " And Nana Hutton I believe you have a personal message to send".

Nana Hutton: " Ay pet. Craig, if you're watching this, just send wor Ant'knee back. He's just a lad, he needs his mam and his nana. Also he's gone two days now without the sunbed and they're doing a special offer at Mandy's Tanning salon Consett, tanning, waxing and eyebrow plucking all for the price of one, at the moment. Have a heart pet and let him go like".

Fiona: " Thank you Nana Hutton I'm sure that's touched all the viewers watching tonight. Dermot."

Dermot: " Fiona. So the phone - in is simply..Where is Craig?...first on the line we have Sam from Wimbledon, hey Sam."

Sam: giggle. giggle, " Oh" giggle, giggle, "am I on?", giggle, giggle, "loving your work Dermot you sexy thing, ohhh you make me feel ho*ny!!!".

Dermot: ( fans himself with clipboard) you minx you..but have you seen Craig?"

Sam: " No", giggle giggle, "bye", giggle,giggle".

Dermot: " Next up it's...John from Blackpool"

John: " Get 'im out, just get 'im out!!!!!...."

Dermot: ( flustered) " and that's all we have time for on tonight's BBLB/BBBM/crimewatch special, thanks to all our guests and remember, keep 'em peeled. If you do see Craig, do NOT approach him but call the number which will appear at the bottom of your screen."


Off camera;
PC Jenkins: " Superintendant: I've got another idea."

Robson: " God help us!!".

PC Jenkins: " It's just I've got a penfriend in Zimbabwe, and I remember him talking about this special police agent often used by the Harare police on their more dangerous missions..."

Robson: "Go on, Go on...I've heard tale of her too, but I've always thought it was a myth."

PC Jenkins: " Sir I think it's time to go international...let's call Harare....yes Sir, it's the return of the MAK!!!!".

Officer Kemal: " NOOOOOOOOO!!! baby doll NOOOOOOO!!!!!!