[Mrluvaluva]

EPISODE 9 " THE GREAT ESCAPE"

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE CONSETT LEISURE CENTRE, ANT'KNEE IS STILL BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY THE CROMER COOKOO CRAIG. HAVING DRANK ALL THE ALCOHOL IN THE LEISURE CENTRE ( Conveniently left over from a leaving party for former Leisure centre lifeguard Eugene, who left to pursue a career in the media) ANT'KNEE IS SLEEPING OFF LAST NIGHT'S EXCESSES, WHILST SASKIA 'N MAXWELL,NEWLY RELEASED FROM THE UNDERWORLD DUE TO MARY'S SUPERNATURAL SLIP-UP, ARE PLANNING THE REFORMATION OF TEAM SMUG.......


Maxwell: " Faaaak abaaaat Sask, that was a blindin' night..it was off ...the...hook":.

Saskia: " Yeah one million percent".

Maxwell: " Yeah but we shouldn't have really got so drunk should we, apples and pears, strike a light, we've wasted time and should have got out of this place last night; faaackin' Dark Deceiver could turn up any minute".

Saskia: " Yeah and then it really would be game on!".

Maxwell: " Naaa we didn't faaackin' fink it thru did we; ....pearly king and queen, roll out the barrel.... but ya know wat we're like when there a few cans of cheap cider going beggin'. By the way Sask, have ya 'idden a few cans in ya bag for later ?"

Saskia: " HAHAHAHAH yeah too right!".

Maxwell: " Look we've all gotta get going now".

Saskia: beads of sweat appear on her brow... looks anxious.
" But are ya sure Max, it's only 7.45pm, is that safe?"

Maxwell: " Look we've just gotta take our faaaackin' chances..... chas 'n dave, only fools 'n 'orses.... anyways it'll be dark soon enough..... give us a swig from ya hip flask Sask, mine's running low.....just look at that faaackin' mincer".

Crazy Craig is sat motionless at the bottom of Ant'knee's lilo where he's been all night, staring, just staring at the 70s disco dancer. There's a look of wild obsession in his eyes, his lips are pursed, his sweaty chubby little fingers hoovering expectantly over Ant'knee's body; in anticipation that they may once again be employed to administer a massage. Ant'knee, the worse for wear has been sick and Craig , determined to impress with his bedside manner has sat keeping watch of his charge....

Cromer Craig: "Oh Max, Sask, didn't notice you there, look at Anfffonkneeee, doesn't he look beautiful when he's asleep?".

Maxwell: "Look Craigie boy we 'ave really gotta be going. Where did you hide Nana Hutton's biege Vauxhall Astra.?"

Craig: " OHH I didn't hide it I just left in the visitor's car park".

Maxwell: " You faaackin' muppet. We'll 'ave to nick another one; I'll tell ya wat to do...gawd blimey guv'nor, would ya adam and eve it. But before we set off make us breakfast mate and some toast for Sask."

Craig: " Ohhh anything for you Maxwell I worship the ground you walk on...that monster Science tried to take your place, he tried to come between me and Anfffonkneeee, but he never will be the man that you are Maxwell...."

Maxwell: " Whatever, anyway we need disguises as well, there's some fancy dress gear out in the back, leftover from the leaving do of some bloke called Eugene,wat kind of faaackin' geeky name is that for a fella eh? anyway get the clothes and stuff as well whilst you're making breakfast".

The Cromer Crimper waddles off to prepare a slap -up meal of mince,rice and flatbread for his chums and returns presently with the food and fancy dress. As the three tuck into their hearty meal, Max and Sak don rainmacs, wigs and huge sunglasses. Craig opts for a blond bob and dark trenchcoat; and takes up residence once again at the bottom of Ant'knee's lilo. The diminutive Geordie stirs and opens his eyes......

Ant'knee: " Fookin' ell man, like, yas gives me a fright there like, I thought yas wor fookin' Myra Hindley like!!!! ".

Cromer Craig: " Ohhhhhh Anfffonkneeee did you think I was a girl did you, really? did you? .OHHH Anfffonkneee if I was a girl..and I'm just saying it hypothetically..."

Ant'knee: " Oh don't say it man, like, why yas says them things like".

Craig: Beginning to well up ".....no no but just for instant say I was a girl, would I be the kind of girlfriend you would want?. Would you want to go out with me? would you Anfffonkneeee? Would you want to marry me Anfffonkneeee? Would you want to spend the rest of your life with me and never even look or talk to anyone else, because you know I have your best interests at heart Anffonkneeeeee?"

Ant'knee: " In a word Craig....NO! fook off man like".

Craig: blubbing uncontrollably " Anffonkneee I just can't believe you, why do you always do this to me....what have I done wrong??...tell me....is it a crime to care for you ? Is it a crime to want to protect you ? Is it a crime
( puts hands to his mouth) TO....LOVE.....YOU?!!"

Ant'knee: " Well it's a fookin' crime to kidnaps us like and keeps us hostage like and nick me Nana's biege Vauxhall Astra like...oh me pooohooor Nana, she must be worried sick like".


If only Ant'knee knew that Nann Hutton was presently prostrate on the decking of her small but well maintained garden in Consett Co.Durham.


Ant'knee: " Look I'm gaaning to use the sunbed for a bit, I need a top up like".

Craig: " Ohhhh ANfffonkneee do you want me to apply some cream to you back?, or your face?, or your neck?, feet?, arms?, shoulders?, knees?, toes?, groin????"

Antt'knee : " NO!!!".

Ant'knee gets up and walks over to the sunbed, passing Max 'n Sask still enjoying their mince and rice. Ermmmm he wonders to himself, that's a bit strange, how come Max and Sask are made up of anti-matter and extoplasm like, so couldn't hug Craig...in a manly way, but can eat and drink solids?....the thought crosses his mind fleetingly then leaves....oh God I'm not use to this like...THINKING FOR MESELF!!!!

Maxwell: " Craig are you sure that Ant's going to come ?"

Craig: " Oh he'll come alright!!!'

Cromer Craig smiled slyly to himself and went to prepare a hot drink for Ant'knee, he reaches for the back pocket of his saggy jeans and produces a small bottle of liquid.He pours half of it into the teacup; he needs to save some for later....it's rohypnol!!!

Craig: " Anfffonkneeee, Anfffonkneee I've made you a drink".

Ant'knee takes the cup and downs it in one.

Maxwell: "Right come on then no time to lose...jogon my friends..jogon".

With that Craig dashes out of the Leisure Centre, to the visitors's car park. There is Nana Hutton's Vauxhall Astra. Next to it a Renault Clio, with instructions given to him from Maxwell on how to break into cars, he opens it like a pro. Hot wiring the vehicle he drives round to the entrance. There waiting is a woozy Ant'knee flanked by Max 'n Sask; bizarrely dressed with the huge sunglasses and towels covering their faces. The three run to the car, Ant'knee supported by Max 'n Sask and jump in. With Cromer Craig at the wheel they speed off!!!!!


An hour later the Clio has reached the motorway....

Craig: " Ohhhhh I'm not use to driving so how do I get to London?".

Maxwell : From under his towel " Ermmm I think you take...that exit....then it's straight on to the big smoke...sorted".

Unfortunately Maxwell couldn't see what he was looking at. The Clio is not heading to London but on course to reach......Liverpool!



MEANWHILE IN A SIDE STREET BY THE ALBERT DOCKS IN LIVERPOOL A BLACK MERC IS PARKED. THE WINDOWS BLACKENED. SLOWLY THE DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW COMES DOWN AND A PUFF OF SMOKE WAFTS OUT OF THE CAR; INTO THE BALMY SUMMER NIGHT'S AIR. THE WINDOW GOES UP AGAIN. THE CROWDS THAT BUSTLE PASS DON'T SEEM TO NOTICE THE VEHICLE. THE DOOR OPENS AND A FOOT APPEARS, SHOD IN GOLD SLINGBACKS.......THE STYLE IS FADED GLAMOUR FROM A BY GONE AGE....THEN THE REST OF THE FIGURE APPEARS.....CLAD IN AN ANCIENT MINK COAT, LOTS OF GAWDY GOLD JEWELLERY AND A SHOCK OF DYED RED HAIR......THE FIGURE WALKS SLOWLY, BUT CONFIDENTLY......A GUST OF SEA BREEZE FROM THE MERSEY MOMENTARILY BLOWS OPEN HER COAT , REVEALING A GLEAMING COLT 45 GUN ON HER HIP....HASTILY SHE PULLS HER COAT TIGHT AGAINST HER PLUMP BODY. SHE LOOKS AROUND...PURPOSEFULLY AND THEN SPIES HER DESTINATION " MOTHERFUNKY'S ITALIAN RESTAURANT".....SHE ENTERS:


Giancarlo: Maitre D looks up and sees the guest. : " Oh sorry madam...you startled me...your face...are you alright?".

Mysterious Woman: " Don't be rude ya young punk!"

The voice is distinctive but slurred, a slow New York drawl.

Giancarlo: " I'm sorry I wasn't being impertinent; it's just you look familiar".

Mysterious Woman: " Look son, I'm not here for the conversation honey, I just want answers...capice!!!"

Giancarlo: " Sure Madam sure"

.....The young man was beginning to worry.

Mysterious Woman: " I'm here on business...dirty business...I'm looking for someone....a man....well a boy...a disturbed boy....goes by the name of The Cwomer Cwimper".

Giancarlo: " The what!!!?"

Mysterious Woman: " The Cwomer Cwimper, Cwaig Coates".

Giancarlo: " Sorry madam I'm having trouble understanding you...do you have a lisp of some kind?.....and your lips have you have an accident?"

Mysterious Woman: " Listen bozo, ya messin' with the wrong lady let me tell you. When my son finds out how I've been treated in this God damn country...he's gonna be mad as hell. I want the name of the jerk who runs this joint".

With that she eased back her mink coat revealing the Colt 45.

Giancarlo: " Oh my God I'm so, so sorry, do forgive me. Oh and my boss he's Roberto."

Mysterious Woman: seeing the fear in the young man's eyes..."Look honey I ain't gonna do no hit on the joint or nuthin', I just need information. I'm a Bounty Hunter, hired by some guy called John from Balckpool. I'm looking for some crazy kid....hey I got a photo".

The Mysterious woman pulls a photo of Craig from her battered gucci bag.

Giancarlo: "Oh THAT lunatic, The Cromer Crimper..it's been all over the news. I was reading a really interesting piece about it in the Croydon Chronicle today...anyway no I've not seen him, but if you want I can put some posters up and the like. I'll have to ask Roberto first."

Mysterious Woman: " It's o.k, don't bother...I have a hunch I'll be seeing him soon, real soon".


With that she turned on her Gold slingbacks and began to walk out of "Motherfunkys"


Giancarlo: " I've got it..I know where I've seen you before.....OH MY GOD....It's Jackie Stallone!!!".

The elderly Bounty Hunter turned on her heels and looked Giancarlo full in the face...

"Yeah!...it's Brackie!"