Good evening everyone, I’m so sorry it’s taken a while for me to file this report but it’s been an exhilarating two days and I’ve only just managed to give that Floss Goodbody the slip. I couldn’t wait to tell you what really happened on Saturday, but this is between us ok, Floss mustn’t know. Well reader, I was knobbled. After all my careful preparations she arrived at the crack of dawn and whisked me off on that b****y motor-bike of hers, like a bat out of hell. My perm was ruined, my twin-set forgotten in the rush and I was stuck looking at Floss’s backside all the way to London. Not a good start. She made me go to a tea-shop the minute we arrived and while I went to the loo she ordered tea and cream buns. Do you know that was the strangest tasting tea I’ve ever drunk. Oddly enough Floss insisted I had two cups and she never drank any. Funny that.
I’d no sooner got in the gymnasium and I came over all peculiar. I felt just like I did at my nephew, David’s gay wedding when he insisted I smoke one of his extra special cigarettes. Although I was only partially with it, I saw enough to tell you that Floss definitely behaved in a way quite unbecoming to a woman of her age and stature on Saturday. She was gushing round young Paul as if she’d never seen a man before. Giggling and fluttering her eyelids. I didn’t know where to look. So, I decided, best pretend I was unconscious. Oh, it was lovely when Curt, Paul and Curt’s friend carried me between them. I felt like the Queen of Tonga being carried on her throne. I really enjoyed myself. I must admit they did go red in the face and break out in a sweat but I quite enjoyed that, I must say. Curt, is a lovely young man. When Floss and Paul left us, he explained all about his regime, as he called it. I must say it’s paid dividends, such muscles, such definition, such tight Lycra shorts!
When Curt took me back to Hadley Wood we thought at first that we couldn’t get in and we told Floss that, but then Curt remembered that Helen hadn’t quite got out of Cwmbran ways and still popped her key under the mat when she went out. Well, Curt looked and there it was. Curt was all for leaving me then, but I told him, I might have another funny turn at any moment and he’d better come in with me. Do you know everyone it was funny but every time he said he was going I came over faint. Strange wasn’t it? Oh he was a lovely young man though. We raided the fridge and I cooked him steak and chips. He said he hadn’t eaten anything like that for five years, but he wolfed it down and when he’d washed it down with half a dozen cans of lager from the fridge he seemed to relax ever such a lot.
I’m not going to say any more and you mustn’t tell Floss any of this, you do promise don’t you? Ever since, all I’ve heard is Paul Clarke this, Paul Clarke that. I’ve said nothing. I just let her go on, but please, don’t anyone worry about Bunty, Floss may have got the interview but Bunty got….
Curt
