Princess, if no-one else takes pity on us, rest assured that I have been vouchsafed a copy of today's programme on loan from my friend Peachy. I should have this in my hot little hands by tomorrow, and I will be happy to then peruse it and give you the full ROB interpretation of every smile, glance, nuance and word.
I feel we should savour every last appearance whilst we can.
By my calculations, Helen's last appearance will be on May 30th, which just happens to be her 24th birthday.
Now, it could be a sad occasion, or it could be a happy one.................
Mr Clarke, if you are sneakily checking the site from your tube at work, take heed! She needs you now, bite the bullet mate, get your backside down to H Samuels and get something BIG and SPARKLY, whizz the Audi down to the South Bank studios, park like Dustin Hoffman in the Graduate, leave the doors open, sprint up the stairs and burst into the set just as Helen is emerging from her last rummage through her drawers, holding in her hand the Versace nasal hair trimmer that Madge just had to buy for £2000, shout 'Helen', fall onto your knees and slide across the studio floor with the open ring case in your hand. Come to a standstill at her feet...............................
Say, 'Helen, you ARE the love of my life, the girl of my dreams, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with!
Be my lovely wife, and have my lovely children, which my life would not be complete without!'
Lorraine would be thrilled, and she would be so excited that she wouldn't remember to Grand in your Hand, or to talk to Nelson in Los Angeles.
The whole thing would be shown on the evening news, Twix would rethink their decision to pull out of the sponsorship deal and they would insist that Helen goes on GMTV as well.
And ROB would go back to her burrow as a happy little camper.
Now, is that too much to ask?
