[Z]

Locke Stark had called upon the help of Lord Mark Waldorf Frey to help him defeat the Lezsister army in battle. The Waldorf Frey family had held the fierce Zetan fort for centuries and no army crossed the troll bridge without first paying the price in its history. Locke could think of no way past the notorious diva and his men other than to ask politely - but Waldorf Frey had hundreds of copycats in his service that he wished rid of. Lady Caitlin offered to go in Locke's place in order to secure a better deal, and so she rode forth.

"Lady Caitlin... you were of house Ninastar when I last saw you." Waldorf Frey said.
"That was in the past, my Lord, we are in times of Chaos now." Caitlin deadpanned.
"Indeed... now what is it you want from me? I'm an old, tired has-been."
"I know, my Lord, but your post count is high and your name was useful for this pun." Caitlin begged.
"Well, get on with it then. No one remembers my personality even though I was the original Weave, long before Weaves existed." Waldorf sighed.
"We mean to cross the bridge, with your permission, of course."
"As if!" Mark Waldorf Frey laughed humourlessly. "You can only cross if I can make you take some of these fierce bitches off my hands and turn them into fierce Queens in the north."
"Is there no other alternative?" Caitlin asked, looking nervously at Waldorf's ugliest hanger-ons with some disdain.
"No. It's Hugo or you go."
"Fine. We shall honour the agreement upon our return."
"That seems like a really stupid way of doing it but okay sure."

The Stark army marched south.

---

Icemannis Banthemall stared into the flames as the Mystic Mock rubbed her naked body against him and whispered into his ear.
"No one can tell if I'm Irish or European or why I keep talking about the Lord of Light." Mock whispered in his ear.
"I am the one true King, you said it yourself." Icemannis replied.
"Yes my King, you are. Look at my nipples."
"When will I be King?"
"Look into the flames and then look at my naked body. The flames and then my body. Look deep into my body and then at the flames. The Lord of Light and the flames and my naked body."
"We must attack soon. Every passing day my chances of claiming the throne fade away - and my damn brother Glennly thinks he can challenge me."
"Glennly is dead, my naked body sent an assassin and also I'm naked."
"Oh okay. What of his wife, Marge?"
"**** knows what that's all about."
"Aye, true enough Mystic Mock, true enough."

---

Lady Marge/Lord Thomas C Tyrell and her/his people had long retreated to the Tyrell stronghold - but soon headed to the capital with her grandmother Oglenna.
"Grandmother, isn't it strange how you look exactly like Glennly Banthemall but wearing a do-rag/nun costume thingy?" Marge asked.
"I AM THE QUEEN OF THORNS!" Oglenna bellowed.
"Yes but you look an awful lot like my deceased husband..."
"YOU LOOK LIKE A MAN IN A DRESS!" Oglenna shrieked.
"So do you!!!" Marge fired back.
"SHUT THE **** UP!"
"Why are we going to the capital again?"
"To marry you off to Gypsygoffrey Banthemall so you can be Queen."
"Ooh goody!"
"Shut up. Tart." Oglenna shot down her granddaughter's good mood.

---

MTVyrioN Lezsister and the sellsword Bronnzors had returned to the capital and were ready for the coming battle with Icemannis Banthemall. Icemannis had sent a fleet of hundreds of ships to storm the coast and the Queen Josei Lezsister had prepared for the battle by issuing bans for anyone they could hit them with - great warriors like Salman, MeMyselfandI and ~Sam~ were struck in the battle and were thrown into the abyss. Josei Lezsister couldn't help but smile - but the King Gypsygoffrey was blatantly afraid.

"THEY'RE NOT DYING!!!" She shrieked.
"They're not supposed to, my love, just a mere ban..." Josei began but her daughter slapped her away.
"I WANT THEM ALL TO DIE! KILL ICEMANNIS BANTHEMALL AND HIS TRAITORS!"
"Is that on The Truth About Love or Missundaztood?" MTVyrioN asked quietly, earning a chuckle from Sticks, the King's personal guard - often called The Hound because **** you that's why.
"SHUT UP CHUMP! I'LL HAVE YOU KILLED TOO!" Gypsygoffrey punched MTVyrioN in the arm.
"**** the King!" Sticks declared and walked away.
Icemannis and his army were defeated but the man himself escaped back to Fagonstone, the ancestral lands of the Targayformen.

---

Rose McGowan of House Targayformen and her fagons were guests of the free city of Queerth. Many Gaylords had tried to court her and her fagons but none had succeeded (apart from most of them but what's a thirsty bitch to do other than drink. that. tea. Is the juice worth the squeeze? You bet your ass it is.) - she was here to raise an army after the death of her beloved Khal Novo but she was finding it hard to do so - Enid of the House of the Undying kept giving her creepy looks and her fagons had gone missing; she had no idea what to do. Rose threw a bitch fit and got her fagons back eventually and they were on their way to their next adventure.

---

Locke Stark's army was dwindling and he needed help. The Lezsister army, led by Dezzywin Lezsister, had slowly but surely pushed them back to Lord Waldorf Frey's toll bridge. Locke knew he had to ask Waldorf Frey for help but he'd already taken a fierce bitch of his own to be the Queen of the north, breaking the pact he'd made with Waldorf Frey. After some debate, it was agreed that Eddrew of House Ninastar, his uncle, would marry Hugo Waldorf Frey - some of the Stark men giggled that he should be called Waldorf Gay - and though Eddrew was unwilling, he did his duty.

The wedding feast was glorious and also murderous - aristya Stark and Sticks the Hound were on their way to reunite aristya with her mother Caitlin and brother Locke when the Waldorf Freys and reece(: Bolton betrayed them and murdered them with arrows and knives and sass.
"Waldorf Gay they called me - the Gay Lord Waldorf Gay. Ha! Look who's gay and dead now, Caitlin Stark! **** you and your army! And you, Locke Stark, you think you can take some nobody as your Fierce Queen and defy me! You're a damn fool. I hope you both rot in hell. Let's stitch a picture of Britney Spears to his body and send his head to the King!" the Waldorf Frey men whooped and clicked their fingers in a zed formation.

---

Dezzywin Lezsister heard the news that his ruse had been successful. The Stark boy was dead. He smiled and stroked his ban hammer thoughtfully as he wrote the letter declaring reece(: Bolton the Warden of the North to replace the Stark family and Mark Waldorf Frey as the Warden of the Riverlands, replacing the Ninastar family.

MTVyrioN Lezsister burst into the room and declared his father a coward; his father ushered him out of the room with the wave of a hand and called him a messy fag.

---

Saphsa Stark led the life of a prisoner. Yes she was free to roam the gardens - heavily under guard, of course - but she had no friends, nobody to talk to. She missed her family but they were all long gone. She thought of her brother LemonBran the cripple, little Patrickon who loved to wear guyliner. She wondered what had become of her weird sister aristya who loved Walmart. She wondered if her mother Caitlin and her brother Locke were coming to rescue her from this hell hole soon. She wondered what the afterlife was like and if her father Nate was at peace. She wondered if Shaun Snow was happy in the north with their uncle Benjamin - she'd never much liked Shaun Snow but she wondered if he was happier than them all and if he hadn't made the right decision after all.

---

Shaun Snow had been brutally violated by the many men from beyond the wall. Billygritte had seen to that - LMAO! - he was a prisoner facing a fate worse than death, worse than the wall. He'd heard their mutterings about the ****e Talkers - permanently banned users who longed to cross the border and return to TiBB and couldn't let go of the fact that they were no longer welcome. He'd heard that the exiled Swan Princess, Rose McGowan, was raising an army in lands to the east; he'd heard that his father Nate had been beheaded by the boy King Gypsygoffrey. At that moment, he'd known that all was lost - he would never be rescued, he had to be his own hero now.

---

The Swan Princess had marched upon Asstapor and Yungboy and had liberated hundreds of thousands of sex slaves - she'd delighted in seeing the sheer amount of leather crotchless clothes had come into her possession as a result and she now dressed her rented boy army in boxer briefs more befitting of a queen. She vowed that she would storm the TiBB Towers soon, her glorious return would be welcomed by the people and she would banish the Usurpers to hell. Her fagons would make sure of that - Firewiria grew more graceful and bitchy by the day; Lucarion's mannerisms grew camper and his personality more marmite and LeatherTrumpetos became wittier and meaner - somehow less fagon-like - she was confident that when she declared a flame war and dished out some sick burns, she'd retake what was rightfully hers.