[Romantic Old Bird]

'Helen, how long did you say you had to go before the baby's born?'
gasped the little guy.

'Six months, Bubble!' said Helen.

'Are you sure it's still that long?' he spluttered.

'I should know! It's three months since me and Mr Clarke got married, so it's got to be six months, hasn't it Bubble?'

'I don't know about that Helen, but there's something very peculiar going on down there' said Bubble.

'Hang on a minute babe, I'll take a look!' said Paul before diving under the water.

'Why, whats going on you guys? I don't like this!' cried Helen, as Paul surfaced, spluttering and very excited.

'You will not believe what's going on down there! It's amazing! It's fantastic, it's my baby, I think it's like, being born, and it's like happening now!'

'Oh wow! A water birth, that's so cool!' said Elizabeth.

'Why, wha's going on? Will somebody tell me? Why does nobody take me SERIOUS Paul?' Helen looked beseechingly at her soulmate.

Paul held her hand and gently explained ''Babe, you are having our baby!'

H: 'Oh. I know Paul, in October, now stop showing off!'

P:No babe, our baby is coming NOW! Aren't you in any pain?

H:Well I've been getting a lot of wind, but I thought it was the pickled onions, and I thought I could blame Amma for the bubbles, and anyway I can't be!

Brian: Hang on, how premature can a baby be? If she's only three months, this is very serious!

Narinder: Oh, come on, she's enormous! I was just being polite when I saw her earlier, but look at her, she's either full term or the Hadley Wood loveshack is made of gingerbread and she's eaten the walls and all the furniture!

P: Listen Naz, H is beautiful, OK? Pregnant gels put on a little weight! I think she looks fantastic!

H: Do you Paul?

P: I certainly do babe!

H: Oh Paul!

P: Love you babe!

N: Well all I can say is that love certainly is .....

Brian: Stevie Wonder, Naz?

Penny: Now, come on everyone, we need a little order. ... Stuart, fetch the towels

Elizabeth: Dean, get your guitar, this child must have music, peace and love when it first experiences the trauma of leaving the womb!'

'Dean, Can you play the vengaboys are coming?' asked Helen

'No, that would be beneath me! I tell you what, I'll play 'Can he fix it' to the tune of Home and Away' said Dean

Brian: Dean!

H: No Dean, play Deluxe, we love deluxe! Oh, oh, Paul! Somethings happening, what's happening to me, I don't like it!
Call Big brother, call the ambulance!

E: To late for that H, push! Stuart, where's the towels?

Stuart: All I could find was these!'

E: Give them here (starts ripping)

Josh: No.....MY GUCCI TROUSERS!

P: You're doing fantastic! Just keep pushing....

E: Thank God I brought my scuba equipment from my trip to the Galapagous islands,,,,here goes...glub....

H: Oh Paul!

The action hots up....

Elizabeth surfaces 'Can someone switch off the bubbles please? Oh, there aren't any? Amma, get out of the pool. In fact everyone get out, this is not a side show!'

P; No Liz, this time I'm staying with my girl!

The others all sit around the pool whilst Paul lovingly strokes H's forehead and mentally plans his babies future... second generation international popstar, like whassisname Inglesias....brilliant! Handsome, like me...stunningly intelligent, like me.....

Big brother hurriedly installs pool cam and asks Helen to pant whilst they test it out.

Helen grips Pauls hand tightly : Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Paul!

P: No Helen, not now!

H: Oh Paul, I'm only pantin to slow it down a bit for the cameras. Can you brush my hair quick?

P: Your hair looks great and I don't think they'll notice babe!

Elizabeth emerges 'Not much longer H, be brave! It will take some doing, I think the baby has ENORMOUS shoulders...' she said before she ducked down again..

P: Er.... H?

Naz: Oh-oh, wars about to break out on the western front!

P: Enormous shoulders H?

H: Oh Paul, it can't be, I JUST KNOW IT'S YOURS..

P: We ain't bin married THAT long H!

Brian counts out on his fingers, Bubble looks down and scuffs his feet awkwardly on the pool side. Stuart does some stomach crunches, and Amma boils some water...

Brian: It's alright H! It's 19th April! So, it must have been when you were....

H:Pant, pant! In the den!

P: The den WAS brilliant!

Dean: It obviously was for you! You said you wouldn't !

Penny: You told Davina nothing happened under the covers!

P: Arrest me!

Elizabeth emerges, carrying a pink and squealing baby boy. 'Oh, it's so wonderful! A pure new life! Let's all just think a moment, meditate upon this wonderful miracle!'

P: H, you were wonderful, an absolute star!

H: Oh Paul is it alright?

P: He's gorgeous babe, he looks just like me!

Elizabeth: And I was wrong about the shoulders holding him back, but I'm afraid his ears...

H: Oh Paul they're just like yours!

P: Cool!

Later, the group cluster round the happy family scene.

Big brother is ecstatic about the ratings, and Dermot O'Leary, Davina, Matthew and Holly Willow call in to bring gifts for the new baby. Davina's midwife checks Helen over, pronounces all to be well and congratulates Elizabeth, who looks very smug, but no-one notices the difference.

Helen cradles the baby, Paul looks down lovingly, and the baby takes his first look at life.....

Stuart feels the need to spontaneously hug Penny, who looks a little down. 'Cheer up Penny! I'm sure someone will come along for you....'
Penny: You really are a nice chap aren't you Stuart? And you're fertile aren't you? Three children? Tell me all about them, let's go in the hut.............

Bubble: 'Amma, do you know we both have double beds again...we like that! Your divan or mine?

Naz to Brian: I have a feeling that theres something in the air tonight.. Jat will never approve, I'm leaving!

Josh: Isn't it time we ironed out our differences Brian?

Elizabeth, sidling up to Dean, pulls the guitar gently from his hand whispers in his ear:
Oh, Dean, do you think some things are just meant to be?

Dean: No, I bloody don't! Naz, wait for me!

Naz: Come on Dean, we don't belong here!

Dean: You know, if it wasn't April, it would feel like Christmas tonight...........

:noel::rudolph::noel::rudolph::noel: