[Romantic Old Bird]

I thought some of you might want to know what happened here in this hot bed of journalistic excellence this afternoon:

Scene: Saturday afternoon,

Flat 2, 17, Acacia Gardens
Hadley Wood
Barnet

3pm

Paul and Helen are trying to get on with writing their columns for the News of the World. Helen is working on the PC on Paul’s desk. He is sitting on the floor, cheerfully tapping away on his laptop. Helen is tweedling about on her chair, sighing, and twiddling her hair between her fingers.

H: I can’t concentrate Paul.

P: What’s up, babe? Having trouble with it?

H: I am, I’m struggling here!

Paul gets up and walks over to have a look.

P: Let’s have a look then, see if I can help.

H: I don’t want no help Paul, it’s got to be what I think.

P: I know that, but let’s look anyway. Bloody hell mate, you ain’t wrote nothing yet!

H: I wrote the date Paul Clarke!

P: Wow! That’s a start then.

H: But it’s really hard. I still can’t get over it Paul Clarke!

P: It is pretty amazing I’ll admit!

H: I know! It is amazing! AND, you are here!

P: I’m here? Of course I’m here. I live here! It’s not just the Helen Adams house, it’s the Paul Clarke house as well.

H: I know! Anyway it’s not a house, it’s a flat.

P: OK, fair do’s, it’s a flat then. It’s a nice flat though. Don’t you like it?

H: Oh Paul, of course I like it! It’s LUSH!

P: Right, well, there you go then.

H: I like our little flat Paul Clarke

P: Right. That’s OK then. So what’s with the ‘You are here’ bit then?

H: Well, you are here!

P: I bloody well know I’m here Helen, I mean, I’m not likely not to know I’m here am I?

H: You’re being silly now Paul.

P: I’m being silly?? What ARE you on about? I think you’ll find, if you don’t mind me being so bold, that you are being silly Helen.

H: I am not, I only said it was amazing. I’m upset now, I am.

P: I give up mate. I think we are talking at cross-purposes here Helen.

H: I am not cross, but I am a bit upset

P: Why? When you said you couldn’t get over it, I thought you meant Spencer going! Then you said it was like, really funny because I WAS HERE! I don’t get it? What can’t you get over?

H: I can’t get over that Brian was right, what he said about us.

P: What did he say?

H: That we would be together now. He said that, a year ago today. When we was lying in the sun next to each other.

P: What, just at the beginning of week 5?

H: Yeah!

P: Are you sure? As early as that?

H: He said, ‘Imagine we all meet up this time next year and you two are engaged’.

P: Did he?

H: Yes he said that and you said ‘Imagine having kids with Helen! They’d be pasty kids!’

P: Did I?

H: On the Saturday of week 5, just after Dorinda left.

P: Narinder you mean!

H: Yeah, after Japinder went.

P: Right. If you say so Helen. Brian wasn’t daft about things like that was he?

H: Yeah, well he wasn’t right about one thing though was he?

P: What?

H: Us being engaged. We’re not engaged.

P: I know that.

H: I mean, we’re living together, but we’re not engaged.

P: That’s right. That’s what we decided.

H: That’s what YOU decided.

P: No, we both decided.

H: If you say so.

P: It’s not ‘if I say so’, we said so!

H: Alright Paul

P: I thought you were cool with that?

H: I am cool.

P: You don’t sound it.

H: I’m fine Mr Clarke.

P: Cos I think we would be rushing it.

H: I know YOU think that Paul.

P: There you go again!

H: Sorry Paul

P: Don’t be sorry. It just seems sensible to stay as we are for now.

H: It would have been nice though

P: What would?

H: If Brian had been completely right

P: Well, he wasn’t far out was he? In time girl, in time!

H: Alright Paul. I’m cool.

P: You’re really cool?

H: I am chilling my boots Mr Clarke!

P: Right, let’s get on with this then. You got to start writing. Let’s see, you like Alex, but you’re a bit upset about Spencer going?

H: Oh, that, yeah, well, I am a BIT upset about that I suppose.

P: I thought you was.

H: But I did have a feeling Alex would win, ‘cos I said so, didn’t I? I mean, I told you and I told Andrew and Kate on GMTV..

P: I think you told their entire viewing audience as well Helen!

H: Oh Yeah! I did didn’t I?

P: Er – Yeah!

H: I did know that you know. I’m not stupid.

P: I never said you were.

H: No, well, I’m not.

P: I know you’re not

H: Not like that Jade, Mind you. She can’t be THAT thick, can she?

P: I think she can H, I think she can!

H: I think she puts it on. She had my T-shirt on again1

P: Yeah, I saw that, ‘Don’t judge a girl by her Tee shirt’

H: I’m going to throw mine out now. Don’t want to wear it no more.

P: Yeah, but H, she don’t look as good as you look in it!

H: I hope not! I mean, I know I’m chunky………..

P: Mmmmmm. You writing all this down?

H: I’m trying to. Are you listening to me Paul?

P: What, yeah, course I am.

H; Well, what did I just say then?

P: You said you were fat.

H: I did not, I said I was chunky!

P: Yeah, well, chunky then, if you like, what’s the difference?

H: There’s LOADS of difference Paul!

P: Is there?

H: I hope so! I mean, I think I am a bit chunky, but I’m not really fat, am I?

P: I’m not getting into this one mate!

H: You don’t think I’m fat do you Paul? Honestly?

P: Honestly? Well, you are a little big bigger than you was Helen.

H: You DO think I’m fat!!

P: I didn’t say that!

H: You did, you said I was bigger!!

P: Well you asked!

H: So you think I’m fat!

P: I said I think you’re bigger than you used to be. I didn’t say you was fat.

H: Well you might as well have!

P; Bloody hell! My dad always told me, ‘Never discuss their weight with them son, and no matter what they ask, always tell them they don’t look fat’. I thought, no, she wants me to be honest, so I’ll be honest.

H: Yes, you honestly think I’m fat.

P: Helen listen to me:You are a beautiful girl and I love every ounce of you.

H: Do you love me a lot?

P: You know I do, I just told you I do. I always tell you I do.

H: You do, don’t you?

P: Yeah.

H: So you love me a whole lot?

P: Loads!

H: Tons?

P: Absolutely!

H: Paul Clarke!!!

P: What? What have I said now? Bloody hell, I can’t do nothing right can I?

H: You said I weigh tons!

P: No I did not!

H: You did, you just did!

P: Did I?

H: You said you loved every ounce of me, and then you said you loved me tons!

P: You know that’s not what I meant!

H: Well what did you mean then?

P: I just meant that I love you more than anything Helen. You’re my girl. I think you’re teasing me, aren’t you?

H: A little bit. So I’m your girl. That’s nice Paul. You’re my boy as well.

P: That’s right.

H: And we’re good aren’t we? Together I mean!

P: I think so.

H: And I do

P: Cool. Now let’s get on, we’ve got to get this emailed off soon.

H: Paul?

P: What H?

H: Can I have a hug?

P: In a bit, when we’ve finished this.

H: Oh, Paul, I want a hug now!

P: Will you promise to get on with the writing afterwards if I do?

H: (Looking rather coquettish) I might do

P: Helen! No funny business or I won’t even come over there!

H: I don’t know what you mean, Mr Clarke!

P: If you promise it’s just a hug!

H: Course I promise. Come here then….

P: Alright, but just a hug, OK?

H: That’s lovely Paul.

Two hours later, the phone rings. Paul picks it up and answers.

P: Hello mate! The article? Yeah, course we sent it! Didn’t you get it? Can’t understand it! Hang on, I’ll email it to you again now. Bloody server must be playing up!

Paul hangs up the phone

P: Come on H, get up and get moving!

H: Who was that Paul?

P: It was the bloody features editor at News of the World Helen. I KNEW I shouldn’t let you hug me.

H: I didn’t force you Paul

P: I know you didn’t. But you did take advantage of me.

H: You wasn’t complaining!

P: Fair play. Anyway, we got to do it quick!

H: No we didn’t!

P: Helen, you know I mean the column, we got to write it now!

H: Oh Paul, I don’t know what to put.

P: You got to put something Helen! It’s not that difficult.

H: OK, I will

P: Alright then.

H: Right! You’re not looking at it though.

P: Fine!

H: You get on with yours.

P: Right!

H: I’ll write something really LUSH!

P: Just write it!

__________________________________________________ ________________
Our Big Brother couple Paul and Helen give their own insiders view on the goings on this week:

Helen writes:

Well, what a shocker! I was gripped, and fancy old Spencer getting the heave ho! He was upset, wasn’t he? I felt a little bit sorry for him, but he should have washed more!

I think Davina’s hair looks really nice now, don’t you?

I don’t know what everyone was going on about him being better looking than Paul. Course he isn’t. No-one is better looking than Paul Clarke. I should know, he’s told me often enough!

Now Alex is funny, and I’m really glad he stayed, but I’m a little bit worried that he might be worse off after tonight’s task, love him. That lot on the poor side aren’t keen, and that Kate is after revenge I reckon. He better watch out.

I really can’t stand PJ. He thinks he’s the bees knees and he’s horrible, Ugh! Jonny is looking real sheepish because he knows he was to blame for nominating Spencer.

What’s that Tim all about? He is so boring, Naz said Paul was, but he isn’t no way. Tim is very boring I think. He looks silly with that dyed hair. He should have had some nice lowlights put in it instead to tone down the red. You can tell, because it doesn’t match his skin at all. Not that I think men shouldn’t dye their hair or nothing, but his looks silly.

Sophie is really miserable as well. She gets on my nerves.

What about that ding dong between Jade and Adele? They was screaming at each other for ages. Poor old Alex with the towel on his head! I don’t know about them. Paul fancies Adele I think, but I don’t reckon he likes her. I think she’s clever. Jade is just embarrassing. I know I was a bit much after a drink, but she should just give it up!

I reckon Sophie will go this week. What about you Mr Clarke?

Paul writes:

It’s certainly been a turnaround this week. We all thought Spencer was going the distance, Mr Cool, then disaster struck when he came up for nomination.

He kept his cool. Fair play to the guy. But he couldn’t hide his disappointment, and that’s a mistake. You got to take it on the chin, because it is just the way it is. Now Alex, he made a big mistake alienated them others, but he got away with it at the end of the day and them girls are his harem now aren’t they?

Well, at least until the task tonight!

I don’t rate the new guy, he’s a poser if ever I saw one. All them long winded stories about what he’s done! Please! Put a sock in it mate! It don’t work!

Kate is hurting at the moment, thinks it’s the end of the world that she’s lost her playmate. I don’t think he was that serious, and he certainly didn’t come over very lovesick in the chair did he? We’ll see when they all come out. Perhaps he’s still playing it cool. I don’t blame him. One things for sure, if the hype’s anything like me and H had, I feel sorry for him.

Jonny knows he’s made a cock-up and he’s feeling like ****. He needs to be a man and face up to it. He nominated him, and it back fired. Period. Get on with it mate, cheer up and get things moving. There’s flashes of fun from Jonny, but it’s not enough.

Adele and Jade must have woken up the neighbours the other night. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The girl shouldn’t drink, obviously. I’m not convinced by the lovey-dovey bit after. We’ll see after tonight.

I can’t believe PJ got away with not being nominated last week. I do hope they see through him soon, but I reckon they won’t. I reckon it’ll be Alex and Sophie up this week, and I agree with Helen, Sophie will walk.


_________________________________

H: I think we done a good job on that Paul!

P: I think we done a blinding job Helen.

H: Considering how fast we had to write it.

P: Absolutely amazing.

H: We work really well together don't we?

P: Yeah.

H: I think we was always meant to work together, you and me.

P: Possibly!

H: I think I could work with you here, from home. I could do cutting hair and stuff, and you could do your designing!

P: We could I suppose.

H: We could! We could call it 'Curvy Cuts'.

P: 'Curvy Cuts'?

H: Yes. That's for both of us.

P: Why?

H: Well, I cut hair and you draw curves. You do draw curves don't you?

P: I do, but it's maybe not the best way to describe what I do. I am highly skilled, and I am very good at what I do. I think I am.

H: I think you are too Paul. You're classy!

P: Well there you go then. Call it that!

H: Not Classy Cuts again Paul!

P: No, maybe not! Maybe not such a good idea for us to work together after all H.

H: I think we would

P: We wouldn't

H: Why not?

P: Cos we wouldn't get NOTHING done!

H: We would!

P: Yeah H, but it wouldn't pay the mortgage would it?

H: I don't know what you mean Paul Clarke!

P: I think you do. Come here!

H: Oh, Paul


Byeeeee

[peachy]

Oh ROB, back on top form, an absolute gem of a column. I loved it and it's great to hear from H&P again, we've all missed them.

Thank you for a wonderful little story, it cheered me up no end. You're a star.

:hello :

[steve_o]

It's great that ROB. I could imagine the voices of P+H as if they were talking.

[Mairi]

That was absolutely BLINDING.

Thanks so much, ROB. xxxxx

[susieq]

ROB - I have so missed your stories. That was wonderful. Thank you so much. You do realise - I'll expect one after every eviction now!!!

[Kaz]

We've pleaded, we've begged and we've prayed ............. and we haven't been disappointed!

Fan-bloody-tastic, ROB - as brilliant as ever.

And I second what susieq has said - we'll be looking for YOUR version of Helen and Paul's column every week now!

[cc100]

we want more!!!

we want more!!!

we want more!!!