[LEE]

At the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired, somber and quiet.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The relatives sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time someone asked,

"Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 or a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled and explained to the group,

"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used."

[Amy]

I like it, very good

[splodge0]

OOOOOO! Might just have to get my own back!! LOL

[Boris]

HO HO HO !

[Janette]

Nice one LEE

[susieq]

The phrase 'Can of Worms' springs to mind LEE.

I can see certain male members of this board being VERY upset with that joke. (I thought it was funny though! )

[Boris]

Having upset all the blokes let's be racist and upset all the French !!!

( I don't really mean it all the Frenchies out there . This was sent to me and I am just passing it on ! ! ! )


A blind rabbit meets a blind snake in the forest and they agree to feel each other to figure out what they are. "You've got floppy ears and a fluffy tail" says the blind snake. "You must be a rabbit"
"And you are smooth, slippery with a forked tongue and no balls" says the rabbit
"You must be French !


Will I ever be forgiven ????

[Kaz]

Nice one, Boris!

Carrying on with the animal theme . . . . .

A young man called John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music and anything he could think of to set a good example.

Nothing worked. Finally, John got fed up and yelled and the parrot. And the bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the freezer. For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream . . . . . . then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstreatched arm and said 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and will do everying to correct my poor behaviour'.

John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued . . . .
.
.
.
.
(wait for it)
.
.
.
.
'May I ask what the chicken did?'

[Mairi]

Love it, Kaz!

[Boris]

Wonderful Kaz !

[Boris]

Has the David Beckam joke been on here at all ???? if not let me know and I will post it up. It is my favourite of ALL time.

[Kaz]

Do you mean THIS ONE HERE Boris?

If so, then ROB has beaten you to it!

It's a blinder, isn't it.

[Boris]

No . not the one but well worth a read
I will type mine up them post it here
it is MUCH shorter

[Boris]

An Aeroplane is in trouble, all passengers and the crew have baled out leaving only David Beckham, the Pope and a Schoolgirl with 2 parachutes between them.

David Beckham speaks first.
“I must have one” he says. “ I have a wife and young family and anyway everyone thinks I am stupid and I must have a chance to prove that I am not. Yeh , I am a great football player, but I have brains too and if I die no one will ever know that it was true.”
He goes off with a bag.

The Pope speaks next.
“ My child” he says “I am at the end of my life. I have done all that I need to do and my God is waiting for me. You are at the beginning of your life, with everything in front of you . Do not worry you must take the 2nd parachute.

“It’s all right” says the little schoolgirl. “There are 2 parachutes left. One for each of us”






Wait for it…






David Beckham took my schoolbag !!

[splodge0]

I like the french jokes. Makes a change. My family had the sense to get out of there in about 1640 odd

[Princess Pink Pants]

This ones good!


Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

[Princess Pink Pants]

And this one!



Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."

[Princess Pink Pants]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation!

[Kaz]

Excellent, PPP. Keep 'em coming folks!

Another animal related one from me . . . . .

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away".

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100%, certifiably ... dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. " £150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd have taken my word for it, the bill would only have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan . . . . . . . . . .

[Kaz]

Today's chuckle from me (probably more for the ladies . . . . . . )

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entrance, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, while looking for his wife.

He was worried that she may be ill or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his reply.

She answered . . . . . .

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Well, today I didn't do it."

[LEE]

HeeHee Kaz

[LEE]

Along a similar vein......

ALL ABOUT WOMEN

Behind every successful woman is herself

Ginger Rogers did everythign Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels

A woman is like a teabag, you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine a marriage and a career

So many men, so few who can afford me

Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich

Of course I don't look busy, I did it right first time.

Do not start with me you will not win

All stressed out and no-one to choke

How can I miss you if you won't go away

Don't upset me I am running out of places to hide the bodies

If you want breakfast in bed sleep in the kitchen.

[Boris]

I was sent these Jokes and thought I woudl share them with you......


Sorry in advance !



Posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six
> o'clock news.
> The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension

> Bridge on to the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says:
> "David,
I
> bet you £5,000 that he jumps!" to which Beckham replies "£5,000? Done!

> I bet that he doesn't." So they shake hands on the bet and continue
> watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a
> loud thud. Beckham takes ?5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it
> to Posh. But
she
> refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I
> was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to
> jump." "No, babe, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair
> and square
I
> was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I
> just didn't think he would do it again."
>
>
> The Manchester United players are in the dressing room on Saturday,
> just before the game, when Roy Keane walks in. "Boss," he says,
> "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone
> injection." "Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I."
>
>
> David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the
kitchen
> department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks. "A
> Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks Becks.
> The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.
> Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next
training session.
> "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos
> flask." The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps

> hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David. "And what have you
> got in it?" asks Roy Keane. "Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice,"
> replies David.
>
> Posh takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The
> mechanic knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world,
> decides to play a joke on her. "You don't need me to take those dents
> out," he says. "Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop
> back into place". So she takes the car home and tries it. David
> spots her from
the
> house, opens a window and shouts "You silly cow! You have to wind
> the windows up first!"
>
>
> David Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily.
Posh
> asks him why he is celebrating. He answers: "Well, I've done this
> jigsaw in only 57 days." "Is that good?" asks Posh.
> "You bet," says David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box."
>
>
> David Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went
> riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up
> and down out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but
> it was
no good.With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head-first to the
> ground.His head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused
> to stop or even slow down. Fortunately, however, there was a happy
> ending. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the
> Woolworth's' manager came along and unplugged it.

I like the thermose flask best !

[Mairi]

Thanks, Boris. I loved every one of them.

[Boris]

Jolly Good.
Jolly being the operative word Q