[Hooly One]

Kevin O'Sullivan


AND then there were nine. Two inanimate objects have left TV's house of horror - the exercise machine and Vanessa.

Even I can't deny the Capetown blonde has been easy on the eye.

But her dazzling good looks only served to highlight just how breathtakingly ugly the rest of the morons are. And I include that dentally challenged, spotty-faced idiot Stuart.

Sadly, vile Vanessa proved that all that glitters is not gold.

My God, what a dullard! With her self-obsessed monologues and her pathetic sexual teasing of psychotic Scotsman Jason she bored for both Britain and South Africa. After a landslide vote revealed that the long suffering viewers hate her even more than they do dreadful Dan, Vanessa's brief moment in the limelight was ruined.

She walked out not to the traditional press conference but to an interrogation by the police - who continue their criminal investigation into the violent riot which brought down the curtain on "evil" Big Brother.

As asexual Stu mourned the loss of the exercise bike it was filthy business as usual for the remaining horrible housemates.

Appalling Geordie tart Michelle accused gender-bending monstrosity Nadia (she's Portuguese, the cow!) of pleasuring herself in bed. Gay slaphead Marco was horrified.

"Oh my God," he shrieked, "It must have been like an earthquake!"

Six days until we can get rid of another loser. On the subject of the next eviction one word occurs to me: VICTOR.

The Mirror