[Crimson Dynamo]

BURBANK, CA—Expressing their deepest condolences to those affected by
technical glitches, Disney Plus officials apologized Tuesday for apparently
being all that some actual adults have.


“We are working hard to resolve user issues involving the new Disney Plus
system, and extend a sincere thank you to the recluses, misfits, and deeply
lonely adults for your patience at this time,” said Walt Disney Company CEO
Bob Iger in an official statement, saying that any error messages customers
were experiencing were due to the company not properly anticipating what
profound depths of sadness some full-grown human beings are capable of
reaching.


“We recognize that many people were looking forward to Disney Plus’s launch
in the most pitiful way imaginable. The entire Walt Disney Company family and
I would like to personally acknowledge your frustration with the only thing
that can give you—not happiness, quite, but some vague form of
contentment despite thousands of years’ worth of other art and
entertainment options to turn to.


We apologize for the fact that these silly children’s programs are the only
thing in your woeful and, frankly, distressing existence.” Iger added that if he
had known that Disney was all some actual adults have, he would have
started by charging much more than $6.99 a month


https://entertainment.theonion.com/d...-so-1839810574