[Sticks]

If you think back to your little excursion to North London, does anyone know what has happened to Bert. He was kind enough to step in for me when I was stuck in the north due to unexpected severe adverse weather conditions

It was Bert who ended up dealing with the communications reps for the mobile phone jammers, instead of me, so the tabloid rat pack was spiked.

We are a bit worried about Bert. He has not been the same since his life long friend Ernie was pursuaded by some new associates to kick Bert out of the house they were sharing in the US. (Somebody in the press said they were gay, and Bert says that was where the trouble began) According to Bert his friend Ernie seems to have got mixed up with a religious group. He does not know who they are, but told us they were clean shaven and rode around on bikes a lot.

Also Bert had been keeping a low profile since some so and so put his photo on a poster of an Osama bin liner, which was one of the reasons why he was over here.

I understand he was quite helpful with you lot on the trip, but it slipped his mind to let you know he was not me. I also remember one of you indicating. thinking Bert was me, that Bert was quite in to the wine. I am afraid Bert is not used to alcohol, as he never really indulged when he lived with his friend Ernie. Bert never said why

If you still have the Pop Idol Bus can you check it. He has disappeared from the YMCA hostel he has been staying in. Some of the guys there said he was a bit dispondent

It has been several days, and some want to file a missing person's report. Before we did that we thought we had better check with those of you who were down there.

Has anyone seen Bert ?