[Benjamin]

Did this ages ago, thought I'd do it again. Go here to make your own.

http://www.plattbridger.myby.co.uk/bigbrother.htm

Day 1 - Shaun Admits Straight Away That He Doesn't Like The Look Of Livia. He Says She Looks Like A Lesbian. As It Turns Out, Josy Is In Fact The Only Lesbian In The House, Although Arista Later Admits That He Is Unsure Of His True Sexuality.

2 - The House Sit Down For A Discussion Of How To Organise Simple Chores. Locke Creates Tension By Stating That The Kitchen Is Where The Women Belong. Kizzy Hits Him With A Spork.

3 - The Housemates Are Set Their First Task By Big Brother - They Must Make A Model Of Big Ben Out Of Horse Testicles. After Much Persuasion By Locke, They Gamble 50% Of Next Week's Food Budget On Completing The Task.

4 - Training For The Big Ben Task Is Well Under Way. However Havoc Ensues When Arista, Who Is Rapidly Developing A Reputation As The Laziest Bastard In The House, Eats Half The Horse Testicles. Kizzy Is Furious.

5 - Today Is The Day When The Big Ben Task Must Be Completed. Things Are Going Well Until Shortly Before The End When Arista Farts And Blows Big Ben Over. Big Brother Announces That The Task Has Been A Failure. Livia Cries.

6 - Locke Gets Pecked On The Arm By One Of The Big Brother Chickens. Not A Very Exciting Day.

7 - Big Brother Is Worried That Things Are Getting Dull, So He Summons The Housemates To Have A Mass Debate About Sex. After Far Too Many Cans Of Cider, Livia Admits That She Likes To Be Spanked On The Arse With A Spork. Shaun Says He Never Wears Condoms Because They Make His Nostril Sore And Locke Agrees. Josy Goes Into A Rant About How None Of The Other Housemates Have Ever Enjoyed A True Orgasm Because They're All Boring Heterosexual Bastards. Arista Sits In The Corner, Quietly Eyeing Up Locke.

8 - Today Is The First Day That The Housemates Must Nominate Someone To Leave. Shaun Goes Round Everyone One By One, Telling Them He Really Likes Them Because They're The Only One In The House That He Can Really Relate To. Kizzy And Livia Are Voted As The Two Candidates To Leave. Nobody Votes For Shaun.

9 - Kizzy And Livia Are Told Of Their Nominations And Burst Into Tears, Before Hugging Everyone And Telling Them They Love Them. Josy Sings Them A Song - The Period Song - To Make Them Feel Better.

10 - The Public Vote Livia Out Of The House. She Pretends Not To Be Bothered But Then Breaks Down And Sobs That She Should Never Have Admitted About Enjoying Being Spanked. Livia Leaves.

11 - Relationships Are Strained In The House As The Housemates Come To Terms With Livia's Departure. The Food Budget Is Low Due To The Failure Of Last Week's Failed Task. Josy Has To Make Do Without The Cucumber She Requested. Kizzy Is Visibly Depressed And Is Comforted By Locke, Who Tries To Touch Her On Her Breasticle.

12 - The Big Brother Psychologist Replays The Footage Of Locke Touching Kizzy's Breasticle Over And Over Again. This Is Because It Shows An Interesting Psychological Incident, Of Course, Not Because It Will Increase The Viewing Figures. Big Brother Sets The Housemates The Task Of Jogging The Circumference Of The Globe On A Running Machine. They Gamble 40% Of The Food Budget On Completing It.

13 - The Running Machine Task Is On Target, Despite The Fact That Arista Refuses To Run Because His Nostril Hurts A Bit.

14 - Much Jubilation In The House As The Running Machine Task Is Completed. Arista Finally Manages To Run The Last 10 Metres Of The Task And Claims That Without Him They'd Never Have Done It. Kizzy Calls Arista A Lazy Nostril.

15 - Once Again It Is The Day When Nominations Are Due. Shaun Tells Everyone Individually That He Thinks Kizzy Is A *****. He Also Points Out That Anyone Who Wants To Stay At His Flat When The Show Is Finished Is Welcome To Come And Visit. Kizzy And Locke Are Nominated By The Housemates To Leave. Nobody Votes For Shaun.

16 - The Nominations Are Announced. Kizzy Can't Believe She's Been Voted Out Two Weeks In A Row. Locke Is Equally Stunned And Turns To Kizzy For Comfort. Arista Is Distraught And Confesses To Josy That He Thinks He Is In Love With Locke. Josy Says She Doesn't Fancy Any Of The Housemates Because They're All Just Too Heterosexual And She's A Lesbian, You Know.

17 - The Public Vote Locke Out Of The House. Kizzy Says She Is Gutted And Even Gives Locke A Clipping Of Hair From Her Breasticle To Prove How Much She Cares. Arista Is Also Devastated But Keeps His Hair To Himself. Locke Leaves.

18 - The Big Brother Psychologist Shows Repeated Clips Of Kizzy Clipping The Hair From Her Breasticle. Apparently This Is An Important Psychological Incident. The Public Obviously Agree As Viewing Figures Soar.

19 - Big Brother Sets The Housemates The Task Of Burping The National Anthem Of Eritrea In 60 Seconds. They Gamble 50% Of The Food Budget On Completing It.

20 - Nobody Has A Clue What The National Anthem Of Eritrea Sounds Like But Arista Says It's A Bit Like Dancing Queen. The Housemates Choose Shaun As The One Who Must Complete The Task.

21 - Shaun Successfully Burps Not Only The National Anthem Of Eritrea But Also God Save The Queen, Cheeky Song And The Theme Tune To Big Brother. He Is Proclaimed As A Hero, Despite The Fact That A Vote In A Tabloid Newspaper Shows That 98% Of The Public Want To Kill Him.

22 - Nominations Are Due And Shaun Tells Everyone That He Has A Villa In The South Of France And They Can All Come And Stay For A Holiday. Arista And Josy Are Nominated.

23 - Arista And Josy Take Their Nominations Well And Sit Down With Shaun And Kizzy To Discuss Why They Voted For Them. Shaun Keeps Quiet But Kizzy Accuses Arista Of Being An Arrogant, Lazy, Self-centred Nostril Before Bursting Into Tears.

24 - The Public Vote Josy Out Of The House And Nobody Really Gives A ****. Josy Leaves.

25 - Shaun Becomes The First Housemate To Have A Wank. This Footage Goes Down Well With The Big Brother Pschologist Who Proclaims That It Gives Us A True Insight Into The Working Of Shaun's Mind And Brings Out His True Personality. In Other Words, He's A Wanker.

26 - Big Brother Sets The Remaining Three Housemates The Task Of Shifting 5000 Tons Of Sea Cow Dung Using Only A Spork. Shaun Is Unsure But Arista Is Confident, Claiming To Have Done Summat Very Similar When He Was Younger. They Gamble 50% Of The Food Budget.

27 - Completely Out Of The Blue, Arista Breaks Down In Tears And Announces That He Is Leaving. He Claims That It Is Because The Dung-shifting Task Has Brought Back The Painful Memories Of The Sea Cow Incident From His Childhood. Kizzy Tries To Persuade Him To Stay But Shaun Sits In A Corner, Rubbing His Hands Slyly. Arista Decides To Leave.

28 - With Only Two Housemates Remaining, The Sea Cow Dung Task Proves Impossible. They Fail Miserably And Resort To Getting Extremely Pissed On Some Vegetable Wine, Made By Kizzy From A Couple Of Mouldy Carrots She Found In The Big Brother Garden.

29 - Nominations Are Due For The Final Time. Shaun Asks Kizzy To Marry Him And She Accepts. Unsurprisingly Shaun Nominates Kizzy To Leave. Rather More Surprisingly, So Does Kizzy.

30 - When The Nomination Is Announced, Kizzy Graciously Accepts Defeat And Proclaims That Shaun Is A Worthy Winner. As They Are Soon To Marry, She Also Agrees To Shag Him. The Event Is Broadcast Live To The Nation And Is Preceded By A Speech From The Queen. Everyone In The Big Brother Production Crew Breathe A Huge Sigh Of Relief As Viewing Figures Go Through The Roof. Shaun Takes His £70,000 And Runs Away To Eritrea. Nobody, Including Kizzy, Ever Sees Him Again.

[King Gizzard]

the capitals are offending me

[Smithy]

ok um


Day 1 - Niall Admits Straight Away That He Doesn't Like The Look Of Caitlin. He Says She Looks Like A Lesbian. As It Turns Out, Claudia Is In Fact The Only Lesbian In The House, Although Smithy Later Admits That He Is Unsure Of His True Sexuality.

[Smithy]

they're all the same

[Shaun]

Why Is Every Word Capitalised My Eyes Are Bleeding

[Benjamin]

Originally Posted by Shaun

Why Is Every Word Capitalised My Eyes Are Bleeding

I know, lol.

[Livia]

Ha! Like I would cry, hug people or look like a Lesbian. And I do the spanking.

[billy123]

Originally Posted by Livia

Ha! Like I would cry, hug people or look like a Lesbian. And I do the spanking.

Is the spork optional? I prefer a riding crop.

[Livia]

Originally Posted by bobnot

Is the spork optional? I prefer a riding crop.

Good choice.

[DanielLuis]

That simulation is very old.

[Kizzy]

I have just seen this! brilliant I love it!

[Jake.]

lol

Day 1 - ukturtle Admits Straight Away That He Doesn't Like The Look Of *Kate. He Says She Looks Like A Lesbian. As It Turns Out, Claudia Is In Fact The Only Lesbian In The House, Although Marc Later Admits That He Is Unsure Of His True Sexuality.

2 - The House Sit Down For A Discussion Of How To Organise Simple Chores. Shaun Creates Tension By Stating That The Kitchen Is Where The Women Belong. Vanessa Hits Him With A Butter spreader.

3 - The Housemates Are Set Their First Task By Big Brother - They Must Make A Model Of The White House Out Of Fried egg. After Much Persuasion By Shaun, They Gamble 50% Of Next Week's Food Budget On Completing The Task.

4 - Training For The The White House Task Is Well Under Way. However Havoc Ensues When Marc, Who Is Rapidly Developing A Reputation As The Laziest Bastard In The House, Eats Half The Fried egg. Vanessa Is Furious.

5 - Today Is The Day When The The White House Task Must Be Completed. Things Are Going Well Until Shortly Before The End When Marc Farts And Blows The White House Over. Big Brother Announces That The Task Has Been A Failure. *Kate Cries.

6 - Shaun Gets Pecked On The Arm By One Of The Big Brother Chickens. Not A Very Exciting Day.

7 - Big Brother Is Worried That Things Are Getting Dull, So He Summons The Housemates To Have A Mass Debate About Sex. After Far Too Many Cans Of Cider, *Kate Admits That She Likes To Be Spanked On The Arse With A Butter spreader. ukturtle Says He Never Wears Condoms Because They Make His Gooch Sore And Shaun Agrees. Claudia Goes Into A Rant About How None Of The Other Housemates Have Ever Enjoyed A True Orgasm Because They're All Boring Heterosexual Bastards. Marc Sits In The Corner, Quietly Eyeing Up Shaun.

8 - Today Is The First Day That The Housemates Must Nominate Someone To Leave. ukturtle Goes Round Everyone One By One, Telling Them He Really Likes Them Because They're The Only One In The House That He Can Really Relate To. Vanessa And *Kate Are Voted As The Two Candidates To Leave. Nobody Votes For ukturtle.

9 - Vanessa And *Kate Are Told Of Their Nominations And Burst Into Tears, Before Hugging Everyone And Telling Them They Love Them. Claudia Sings Them A Song - Baby - To Make Them Feel Better.

10 - The Public Vote *Kate Out Of The House. She Pretends Not To Be Bothered But Then Breaks Down And Sobs That She Should Never Have Admitted About Enjoying Being Spanked. *Kate Leaves.

11 - Relationships Are Strained In The House As The Housemates Come To Terms With *Kate's Departure. The Food Budget Is Low Due To The Failure Of Last Week's Failed Task. Claudia Has To Make Do Without The Cucumber She Requested. Vanessa Is Visibly Depressed And Is Comforted By Shaun, Who Tries To Touch Her On Her Vagina.

12 - The Big Brother Psychologist Replays The Footage Of Shaun Touching Vanessa's Vagina Over And Over Again. This Is Because It Shows An Interesting Psychological Incident, Of Course, Not Because It Will Increase The Viewing Figures. Big Brother Sets The Housemates The Task Of Jogging The Circumference Of The Globe On A Running Machine. They Gamble 40% Of The Food Budget On Completing It.

13 - The Running Machine Task Is On Target, Despite The Fact That Marc Refuses To Run Because His Gooch Hurts A Bit.

14 - Much Jubilation In The House As The Running Machine Task Is Completed. Marc Finally Manages To Run The Last 10 Metres Of The Task And Claims That Without Him They'd Never Have Done It. Vanessa Calls Marc A Lazy Gooch.

15 - Once Again It Is The Day When Nominations Are Due. ukturtle Tells Everyone Individually That He Thinks Vanessa Is A *****. He Also Points Out That Anyone Who Wants To Stay At His Flat When The Show Is Finished Is Welcome To Come And Visit. Vanessa And Shaun Are Nominated By The Housemates To Leave. Nobody Votes For ukturtle.

16 - The Nominations Are Announced. Vanessa Can't Believe She's Been Voted Out Two Weeks In A Row. Shaun Is Equally Stunned And Turns To Vanessa For Comfort. Marc Is Distraught And Confesses To Claudia That He Thinks He Is In Love With Shaun. Claudia Says She Doesn't Fancy Any Of The Housemates Because They're All Just Too Heterosexual And She's A Lesbian, You Know.

17 - The Public Vote Shaun Out Of The House. Vanessa Says She Is Gutted And Even Gives Shaun A Clipping Of Hair From Her Vagina To Prove How Much She Cares. Marc Is Also Devastated But Keeps His Hair To Himself. Shaun Leaves.

18 - The Big Brother Psychologist Shows Repeated Clips Of Vanessa Clipping The Hair From Her Vagina. Apparently This Is An Important Psychological Incident. The Public Obviously Agree As Viewing Figures Soar.

19 - Big Brother Sets The Housemates The Task Of Burping The National Anthem Of Chile In 60 Seconds. They Gamble 50% Of The Food Budget On Completing It.

20 - Nobody Has A Clue What The National Anthem Of Chile Sounds Like But Marc Says It's A Bit Like Dancing Queen. The Housemates Choose ukturtle As The One Who Must Complete The Task.

21 - ukturtle Successfully Burps Not Only The National Anthem Of Chile But Also God Save The Queen, Baby And The Theme Tune To Big Brother. He Is Proclaimed As A Hero, Despite The Fact That A Vote In A Tabloid Newspaper Shows That 98% Of The Public Want To Kill Him.

22 - Nominations Are Due And ukturtle Tells Everyone That He Has A Villa In The South Of France And They Can All Come And Stay For A Holiday. Marc And Claudia Are Nominated.

23 - Marc And Claudia Take Their Nominations Well And Sit Down With ukturtle And Vanessa To Discuss Why They Voted For Them. ukturtle Keeps Quiet But Vanessa Accuses Marc Of Being An Arrogant, Lazy, Self-centred Gooch Before Bursting Into Tears.

24 - The Public Vote Claudia Out Of The House And Nobody Really Gives A ****. Claudia Leaves.

25 - ukturtle Becomes The First Housemate To Have A Wank. This Footage Goes Down Well With The Big Brother Pschologist Who Proclaims That It Gives Us A True Insight Into The Working Of ukturtle's Mind And Brings Out His True Personality. In Other Words, He's A Wanker.

26 - Big Brother Sets The Remaining Three Housemates The Task Of Shifting 5000 Tons Of Dolphin Dung Using Only A Butter spreader. ukturtle Is Unsure But Marc Is Confident, Claiming To Have Done Summat Very Similar When He Was Younger. They Gamble 50% Of The Food Budget.

27 - Completely Out Of The Blue, Marc Breaks Down In Tears And Announces That He Is Leaving. He Claims That It Is Because The Dung-shifting Task Has Brought Back The Painful Memories Of The Dolphin Incident From His Childhood. Vanessa Tries To Persuade Him To Stay But ukturtle Sits In A Corner, Rubbing His Hands Slyly. Marc Decides To Leave.

28 - With Only Two Housemates Remaining, The Dolphin Dung Task Proves Impossible. They Fail Miserably And Resort To Getting Extremely Pissed On Some Vegetable Wine, Made By Vanessa From A Couple Of Mouldy Carrots She Found In The Big Brother Garden.

29 - Nominations Are Due For The Final Time. ukturtle Asks Vanessa To Marry Him And She Accepts. Unsurprisingly ukturtle Nominates Vanessa To Leave. Rather More Surprisingly, So Does Vanessa.

30 - When The Nomination Is Announced, Vanessa Graciously Accepts Defeat And Proclaims That ukturtle Is A Worthy Winner. As They Are Soon To Marry, She Also Agrees To Shag Him. The Event Is Broadcast Live To The Nation And Is Preceded By A Speech From The Queen. Everyone In The Big Brother Production Crew Breathe A Huge Sigh Of Relief As Viewing Figures Go Through The Roof. ukturtle Takes His £70,000 And Runs Away To Chile. Nobody, Including Vanessa, Ever Sees Him Again.

The bold bits

[Marc]

my true sexuality

[Kizzy]

Wtf! I actually thought you had written that ben...bahahahaha!
It's still ace

[Shaun]

Day 1 - CharlieO Admits Straight Away That He Doesn't Like The Look Of Smithy. He Says She Looks Like A Lesbian. As It Turns Out, ithinkiloveyoutoo! Is In Fact The Only Lesbian In The House, Although The Mockinator Later Admits That He Is Unsure Of His True Sexuality.

2 - The House Sit Down For A Discussion Of How To Organise Simple Chores. Harry! Creates Tension By Stating That The Kitchen Is Where The Women Belong. kazanne Hits Him With A wooden dildo.

3 - The Housemates Are Set Their First Task By Big Brother - They Must Make A Model Of TiBB Towers Out Of deep-fried Mars Bar. After Much Persuasion By Harry!, They Gamble 50% Of Next Week's Food Budget On Completing The Task.

4 - Training For The TiBB Towers Task Is Well Under Way. However Havoc Ensues When The Mockinator, Who Is Rapidly Developing A Reputation As The Laziest Bastard In The House, Eats Half The deep-fried Mars Bar. kazanne Is Furious.

5 - Today Is The Day When The TiBB Towers Task Must Be Completed. Things Are Going Well Until Shortly Before The End When The Mockinator Farts And Blows TiBB Towers Over. Big Brother Announces That The Task Has Been A Failure. Smithy Cries.

6 - Harry! Gets Pecked On The Arm By One Of The Big Brother Chickens. Not A Very Exciting Day.

7 - Big Brother Is Worried That Things Are Getting Dull, So He Summons The Housemates To Have A Mass Debate About Sex. After Far Too Many Cans Of Cider, Smithy Admits That She Likes To Be Spanked On The Arse With A wooden dildo. CharlieO Says He Never Wears Condoms Because They Make His prosthetic shoulder Sore And Harry! Agrees. ithinkiloveyoutoo! Goes Into A Rant About How None Of The Other Housemates Have Ever Enjoyed A True Orgasm Because They're All Boring Heterosexual Bastards. The Mockinator Sits In The Corner, Quietly Eyeing Up Harry!.

8 - Today Is The First Day That The Housemates Must Nominate Someone To Leave. CharlieO Goes Round Everyone One By One, Telling Them He Really Likes Them Because They're The Only One In The House That He Can Really Relate To. kazanne And Smithy Are Voted As The Two Candidates To Leave. Nobody Votes For CharlieO.

9 - kazanne And Smithy Are Told Of Their Nominations And Burst Into Tears, Before Hugging Everyone And Telling Them They Love Them. ithinkiloveyoutoo! Sings Them A Song - "I Breathe Again" by Adam Rickitt - To Make Them Feel Better.

10 - The Public Vote Smithy Out Of The House. She Pretends Not To Be Bothered But Then Breaks Down And Sobs That She Should Never Have Admitted About Enjoying Being Spanked. Smithy Leaves.

11 - Relationships Are Strained In The House As The Housemates Come To Terms With Smithy's Departure. The Food Budget Is Low Due To The Failure Of Last Week's Failed Task. ithinkiloveyoutoo! Has To Make Do Without The Cucumber She Requested. kazanne Is Visibly Depressed And Is Comforted By Harry!, Who Tries To Touch Her On Her bionic labia.

12 - The Big Brother Psychologist Replays The Footage Of Harry! Touching kazanne's bionic labia Over And Over Again. This Is Because It Shows An Interesting Psychological Incident, Of Course, Not Because It Will Increase The Viewing Figures. Big Brother Sets The Housemates The Task Of Jogging The Circumference Of The Globe On A Running Machine. They Gamble 40% Of The Food Budget On Completing It.

13 - The Running Machine Task Is On Target, Despite The Fact That The Mockinator Refuses To Run Because His prosthetic shoulder Hurts A Bit.

14 - Much Jubilation In The House As The Running Machine Task Is Completed. The Mockinator Finally Manages To Run The Last 10 Metres Of The Task And Claims That Without Him They'd Never Have Done It. kazanne Calls The Mockinator A Lazy prosthetic shoulder.

15 - Once Again It Is The Day When Nominations Are Due. CharlieO Tells Everyone Individually That He Thinks kazanne Is A *****. He Also Points Out That Anyone Who Wants To Stay At His Flat When The Show Is Finished Is Welcome To Come And Visit. kazanne And Harry! Are Nominated By The Housemates To Leave. Nobody Votes For CharlieO.

16 - The Nominations Are Announced. kazanne Can't Believe She's Been Voted Out Two Weeks In A Row. Harry! Is Equally Stunned And Turns To kazanne For Comfort. The Mockinator Is Distraught And Confesses To ithinkiloveyoutoo! That He Thinks He Is In Love With Harry!. ithinkiloveyoutoo! Says She Doesn't Fancy Any Of The Housemates Because They're All Just Too Heterosexual And She's A Lesbian, You Know.

17 - The Public Vote Harry! Out Of The House. kazanne Says She Is Gutted And Even Gives Harry! A Clipping Of Hair From Her bionic labia To Prove How Much She Cares. The Mockinator Is Also Devastated But Keeps His Hair To Himself. Harry! Leaves.

18 - The Big Brother Psychologist Shows Repeated Clips Of kazanne Clipping The Hair From Her bionic labia. Apparently This Is An Important Psychological Incident. The Public Obviously Agree As Viewing Figures Soar.

19 - Big Brother Sets The Housemates The Task Of Burping The National Anthem Of Scunthorpe In 60 Seconds. They Gamble 50% Of The Food Budget On Completing It.

20 - Nobody Has A Clue What The National Anthem Of Scunthorpe Sounds Like But The Mockinator Says It's A Bit Like Dancing Queen. The Housemates Choose CharlieO As The One Who Must Complete The Task.

21 - CharlieO Successfully Burps Not Only The National Anthem Of Scunthorpe But Also God Save The Queen, "I Breathe Again" by Adam Rickitt And The Theme Tune To Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. He Is Proclaimed As A Hero, Despite The Fact That A Vote In A Tabloid Newspaper Shows That 98% Of The Public Want To Kill Him.

22 - Nominations Are Due And CharlieO Tells Everyone That He Has A Villa In The South Of France And They Can All Come And Stay For A Holiday. The Mockinator And ithinkiloveyoutoo! Are Nominated.

23 - The Mockinator And ithinkiloveyoutoo! Take Their Nominations Well And Sit Down With CharlieO And kazanne To Discuss Why They Voted For Them. CharlieO Keeps Quiet But kazanne Accuses The Mockinator Of Being An Arrogant, Lazy, Self-centred prosthetic shoulder Before Bursting Into Tears.

24 - The Public Vote ithinkiloveyoutoo! Out Of The House And Nobody Really Gives A ****. ithinkiloveyoutoo! Leaves.

25 - CharlieO Becomes The First Housemate To Have A Wank. This Footage Goes Down Well With The Big Brother Pschologist Who Proclaims That It Gives Us A True Insight Into The Working Of CharlieO's Mind And Brings Out His True Personality. In Other Words, He's A Wanker.

26 - Big Brother Sets The Remaining Three Housemates The Task Of Shifting 5000 Tons Of CharlieO Dung Using Only A wooden dildo. CharlieO Is Unsure But The Mockinator Is Confident, Claiming To Have Done Summat Very Similar When He Was Younger. They Gamble 50% Of The Food Budget.

27 - Completely Out Of The Blue, The Mockinator Breaks Down In Tears And Announces That He Is Leaving. He Claims That It Is Because The Dung-shifting Task Has Brought Back The Painful Memories Of The CharlieO Incident From His Childhood. kazanne Tries To Persuade Him To Stay But CharlieO Sits In A Corner, Rubbing His Hands Slyly. The Mockinator Decides To Leave.

28 - With Only Two Housemates Remaining, The CharlieO Dung Task Proves Impossible. They Fail Miserably And Resort To Getting Extremely Pissed On Some Vegetable Wine, Made By kazanne From A Couple Of Mouldy Carrots She Found In The Big Brother Garden.

29 - Nominations Are Due For The Final Time. CharlieO Asks kazanne To Marry Him And She Accepts. Unsurprisingly CharlieO Nominates kazanne To Leave. Rather More Surprisingly, So Does kazanne.

30 - When The Nomination Is Announced, kazanne Graciously Accepts Defeat And Proclaims That CharlieO Is A Worthy Winner. As They Are Soon To Marry, She Also Agrees To Shag Him. The Event Is Broadcast Live To The Nation And Is Preceded By A Speech From The Queen. Everyone In The Big Brother Production Crew Breathe A Huge Sigh Of Relief As Viewing Figures Go Through The Roof. CharlieO Takes His £70,000 And Runs Away To Scunthorpe. Nobody, Including kazanne, Ever Sees Him Again.

.

[Josiah.]

Day 1 - Ben Admits Straight Away That He Doesn't Like The Look Of Mollie. He Says She Looks Like A Lesbian. As It Turns Out, Kate Is In Fact The Only Lesbian In The House, Although Roy Later Admits That He Is Unsure Of His True Sexuality.

2 - The House Sit Down For A Discussion Of How To Organise Simple Chores. Shaun Creates Tension By Stating That The Kitchen Is Where The Women Belong. Stacey Hits Him With A Spoon.

3 - The Housemates Are Set Their First Task By Big Brother - They Must Make A Model Of The Empire State Building Out Of Pizza. After Much Persuasion By Shaun, They Gamble 50% Of Next Week's Food Budget On Completing The Task.

4 - Training For The The Empire State Building Task Is Well Under Way. However Havoc Ensues When Roy, Who Is Rapidly Developing A Reputation As The Laziest Bastard In The House, Eats Half The Pizza. Stacey Is Furious.

5 - Today Is The Day When The The Empire State Building Task Must Be Completed. Things Are Going Well Until Shortly Before The End When Roy Farts And Blows The Empire State Building Over. Big Brother Announces That The Task Has Been A Failure. Mollie Cries.

6 - Shaun Gets Pecked On The Arm By One Of The Big Brother Chickens. Not A Very Exciting Day.

7 - Big Brother Is Worried That Things Are Getting Dull, So He Summons The Housemates To Have A Mass Debate About Sex. After Far Too Many Cans Of Cider, Mollie Admits That She Likes To Be Spanked On The Arse With A Spoon. Ben Says He Never Wears Condoms Because They Make His Testicles Sore And Shaun Agrees. Kate Goes Into A Rant About How None Of The Other Housemates Have Ever Enjoyed A True Orgasm Because They're All Boring Heterosexual Bastards. Roy Sits In The Corner, Quietly Eyeing Up Shaun.

8 - Today Is The First Day That The Housemates Must Nominate Someone To Leave. Ben Goes Round Everyone One By One, Telling Them He Really Likes Them Because They're The Only One In The House That He Can Really Relate To. Stacey And Mollie Are Voted As The Two Candidates To Leave. Nobody Votes For Ben.

9 - Stacey And Mollie Are Told Of Their Nominations And Burst Into Tears, Before Hugging Everyone And Telling Them They Love Them. Kate Sings Them A Song - Baby - To Make Them Feel Better.

10 - The Public Vote Mollie Out Of The House. She Pretends Not To Be Bothered But Then Breaks Down And Sobs That She Should Never Have Admitted About Enjoying Being Spanked. Mollie Leaves.

11 - Relationships Are Strained In The House As The Housemates Come To Terms With Mollie's Departure. The Food Budget Is Low Due To The Failure Of Last Week's Failed Task. Kate Has To Make Do Without The Cucumber She Requested. Stacey Is Visibly Depressed And Is Comforted By Shaun, Who Tries To Touch Her On Her Boobs.

12 - The Big Brother Psychologist Replays The Footage Of Shaun Touching Stacey's Boobs Over And Over Again. This Is Because It Shows An Interesting Psychological Incident, Of Course, Not Because It Will Increase The Viewing Figures. Big Brother Sets The Housemates The Task Of Jogging The Circumference Of The Globe On A Running Machine. They Gamble 40% Of The Food Budget On Completing It.

13 - The Running Machine Task Is On Target, Despite The Fact That Roy Refuses To Run Because His Testicles Hurts A Bit.

14 - Much Jubilation In The House As The Running Machine Task Is Completed. Roy Finally Manages To Run The Last 10 Metres Of The Task And Claims That Without Him They'd Never Have Done It. Stacey Calls Roy A Lazy Testicles.

15 - Once Again It Is The Day When Nominations Are Due. Ben Tells Everyone Individually That He Thinks Stacey Is A *****. He Also Points Out That Anyone Who Wants To Stay At His Flat When The Show Is Finished Is Welcome To Come And Visit. Stacey And Shaun Are Nominated By The Housemates To Leave. Nobody Votes For Ben.

16 - The Nominations Are Announced. Stacey Can't Believe She's Been Voted Out Two Weeks In A Row. Shaun Is Equally Stunned And Turns To Stacey For Comfort. Roy Is Distraught And Confesses To Kate That He Thinks He Is In Love With Shaun. Kate Says She Doesn't Fancy Any Of The Housemates Because They're All Just Too Heterosexual And She's A Lesbian, You Know.

17 - The Public Vote Shaun Out Of The House. Stacey Says She Is Gutted And Even Gives Shaun A Clipping Of Hair From Her Boobs To Prove How Much She Cares. Roy Is Also Devastated But Keeps His Hair To Himself. Shaun Leaves.

18 - The Big Brother Psychologist Shows Repeated Clips Of Stacey Clipping The Hair From Her Boobs. Apparently This Is An Important Psychological Incident. The Public Obviously Agree As Viewing Figures Soar.

19 - Big Brother Sets The Housemates The Task Of Burping The National Anthem Of Serbia In 60 Seconds. They Gamble 50% Of The Food Budget On Completing It.

20 - Nobody Has A Clue What The National Anthem Of Serbia Sounds Like But Roy Says It's A Bit Like Dancing Queen. The Housemates Choose Ben As The One Who Must Complete The Task.

21 - Ben Successfully Burps Not Only The National Anthem Of Serbia But Also God Save The Queen, Baby And The Theme Tune To Big Brother. He Is Proclaimed As A Hero, Despite The Fact That A Vote In A Tabloid Newspaper Shows That 98% Of The Public Want To Kill Him.

22 - Nominations Are Due And Ben Tells Everyone That He Has A Villa In The South Of France And They Can All Come And Stay For A Holiday. Roy And Kate Are Nominated.

23 - Roy And Kate Take Their Nominations Well And Sit Down With Ben And Stacey To Discuss Why They Voted For Them. Ben Keeps Quiet But Stacey Accuses Roy Of Being An Arrogant, Lazy, Self-centred Testicles Before Bursting Into Tears.

24 - The Public Vote Kate Out Of The House And Nobody Really Gives A ****. Kate Leaves.

25 - Ben Becomes The First Housemate To Have A Wank. This Footage Goes Down Well With The Big Brother Pschologist Who Proclaims That It Gives Us A True Insight Into The Working Of Ben's Mind And Brings Out His True Personality. In Other Words, He's A Wanker.

26 - Big Brother Sets The Remaining Three Housemates The Task Of Shifting 5000 Tons Of Giraffe Dung Using Only A Spoon. Ben Is Unsure But Roy Is Confident, Claiming To Have Done Summat Very Similar When He Was Younger. They Gamble 50% Of The Food Budget.

27 - Completely Out Of The Blue, Roy Breaks Down In Tears And Announces That He Is Leaving. He Claims That It Is Because The Dung-shifting Task Has Brought Back The Painful Memories Of The Giraffe Incident From His Childhood. Stacey Tries To Persuade Him To Stay But Ben Sits In A Corner, Rubbing His Hands Slyly. Roy Decides To Leave.

28 - With Only Two Housemates Remaining, The Giraffe Dung Task Proves Impossible. They Fail Miserably And Resort To Getting Extremely Pissed On Some Vegetable Wine, Made By Stacey From A Couple Of Mouldy Carrots She Found In The Big Brother Garden.

29 - Nominations Are Due For The Final Time. Ben Asks Stacey To Marry Him And She Accepts. Unsurprisingly Ben Nominates Stacey To Leave. Rather More Surprisingly, So Does Stacey.

30 - When The Nomination Is Announced, Stacey Graciously Accepts Defeat And Proclaims That Ben Is A Worthy Winner. As They Are Soon To Marry, She Also Agrees To Shag Him. The Event Is Broadcast Live To The Nation And Is Preceded By A Speech From The Queen. Everyone In The Big Brother Production Crew Breathe A Huge Sigh Of Relief As Viewing Figures Go Through The Roof. Ben Takes His £70,000 And Runs Away To Serbia. Nobody, Including Stacey, Ever Sees Him Again.

[Kate!]

awww, can't do this, computer says No! ()