[Red Moon]

Princess Paris's plea from prison

There was no justification for Paris Hilton's tears when the judge sentenced her to 45 days in jail in downtown Los Angeles' Metropolitan Court last week.

After all, half the booted cast of America's Next Top Model would trade a year in Guantanamo Bay, along with their life's earnings and three of their limbs in exchange for the sea of media she's gotten surrounding her probation violation and jail term.

Yes, the queen of being famous for being famous just got more famous after being punished for drinking and driving.

Boo-hoo.

Let's not lie to ourselves, Paris's "jail" will end up with a star rating higher than places you and I consider luxury resorts.

I'm pretty sure it'll be the sort of posh cell that Martha Stewart occupied for several months.

The only thing Paris will be robbed of during her lockup is boutique shopping sprees, nightclubs and shoelaces. And I've heard tying shoelaces has always been a bit of mystery to Paris anyway.

The average American is more interested in Paris's reactions to imprisonment than their president's plans for their own country.

So don't be surprised if some time this week, your favourite TV show is interrupted by the sounds of trumpets blasting the song "Promiscuous Girl" while the screen goes black. White disclaiming letters appear, "Regular Programming Has Been Interrupted by an Urgent Message from America's Precious Princess, Ms Paris Hilton" ...

Fade to: Dozens of make-up artists swarming around a pink desk. A designer American flag stands behind them showing 50 Chanel symbols in the place of stars. A director yells for action and the crowd dissolves to reveal Paris sitting on an armoire stroking an emaciated Chihuahua.

Paris: Dear guys. Okay, so like totally listen up. As all of you must know by now, something terrible is happening in the world. I'm not talking, "My dealer left town without warning and I'm dry" terrible or even, "people are dying, kids are starving" kind of terrible ... it's worse.

I have been constipated against ...

Director steps up and whispers in her ear.

... conspired against! Someone has come towards me with "spire" and it makes me sick how successful they've been. They've managed to fool the legal system into like totally having me locked up for a year! Well, it's more like a month and a half, I'm rounding up ... ew, "rounding," that sounds fat.

I know exactly who it was that set me up, too. Lindsay Lohan! That orange-haired fur ball has been trying to steal my thunder ever since my first naked crotch shots hit YouTube.

You regular people might not be able to relate to this kind of situation, no one ever pays attention to you. You just sit around in your mud huts all day reading magazines about the parties I make appearances at without a worry in the world. You could down a dozen bottles of Dom Perignon and drive across the country in your outdated Beamers without so much as a ticket. The thing is, while an ordinary person can violate the law a jillion billion times before getting caught, someone with my magnetism will do one little thing wrong and get immediate penalization. (Paris snickers at the word. Plays with her BlackBerry then realizes she's still being taped.) Oops! Haha, um, sorry about that, I just bought an island online.

Alright so "que sera, sera," right? That's French for, "show a good attitude so that your expensive lawyers can use it as grounds to bail you out of jail time early."

While I am stuck in the ghetto that is Special Treatment Ward A42, I'll need your help. Yes all of you, even the ugly ones. I plan to spend my last days of freedom partying, I won't have time to pack, nor will I be sober enough to aim bundles of belongings into small bag openings. So please wash your dirty, regular hands and head to Holt Renfrew. I'm a size negative 4. I'm looking for quality in quantity, which is why it's important for all of you to help out. I've heard some of you may be on a budget. You poor people can send me things that are easily fermentable, grapes, apples, even potatoes.

Thank you for your time and you're welcome for mine. It's gonna be hard in there but if I can survive the hangover I had the morning after my licence was suspended, I can survive anything. Ciao!

Fade to black.

source: The Star