[James]

I didn't write this so don't blame me if it offends your favourite housemate/football team.

The writer's a Liverpool fan hence the 'popular with everyone' comment.

The Big Brother guide to the Premiership

By Derek Dohren
Date: 10/7/2002


Arsenal - Professional self-harmers, expert at cultivating a seige mentality. See themselves as a bit of class in a cesspit of mundane banality. Always whingeing and whining about trivial matters. Highly strung, and frankly, a bit camp.
Big Brother soul mate - Alex.

Liverpool Stylish, strong and athletic. Popular with everyone though occasional victims of jealousy. Prone to slip ups against lightweight opposition. Could do with punching weight more often.
Big Brother soul mate - Adele.

Manchester United - Large, muscle bound meat head. Likes to throw it's weight around and dominate proceedings to the amusement of no one. Plays to different rules to everyone else. Doesn't give two hoots about anything except it's own affairs. Dedicatedly selfish.
Big Brother soul mate - Lee.

Newcastle United - Massive support but lacking squad depth. Will always be tolerated up to a point but always end up as a huge pain in the ass. Amusing if it wasn't so painful to watch.
Big Brother soul mate - Alison.

Leeds United - Brash, loudmouthed. Not very bright. Not very pleasant at all. Afflicted with verbal dysentery and will bitch and moan all season long, playing the 'victim' card at every given opportunity. The unacceptable face of English football, in dire need of a full image makeover. Horrible.
Big Brother soul mate - Jade.

Chelsea - 'Delusions of grandeur' is a phrase invented with Chelsea in mind. Vomit inducingly avaricious, they are awash with money and flabby on the proceeds of corporate bonhomie and hospitality. More concerned with image than substance. Justifiably hated, possibly more so than Leeds. Shameless.
Big Brother soul mate - Tim.

West Ham United - Under the bizarre illusion that everyone loves them. Why is that ? Easy going manner, they like to play the joker but when away from home, always manage to look like a fish out of water. Much less to this lot than meets the eye. An irrelevance.
Big Brother soul mate - Jonny.

Aston Villa - Dour Midlands plodders. Dull but relatively harmless though can make ripples when roused. A typically old fashioned, traditional English style football club, i.e. crap.
Big Brother soul mate - PJ

Spurs - Will inevitably talk a good game but always fold predictably at the merest whiff of trouble. Regularly evicted from all competitions early doors. All in all, a complete waste of everyone's time and money. Pathetic.
Big Brother soul mate - Sunita.

Middlesbrough - This club loves to flirt, sometimes with the cups but more usually with relegation. Plucky and not without merits though ultimately doomed to failure. Always good for a cheap laugh.
Big Brother soul mate - Kate.

Fulham - Initially these feisty new kids on the block showed much promise. Masquerading as bright additions to the top flight they have instead become tiresome and repetitive bores. Shame, could have been so much better.
Big Brother soul mate - Sophie.

Everton - Dull as ditchwater. Nobody bothers to watch them apart from a few friends and immediate family. Hilarious attempts to look cool and interesting invariably end in abject failure. Dirty, smelly stadium could do with a lick of paint - no make that a bulldozer. Rancid no hopers. Oh dear.
Big Brother soul mate - Spencer.

Bolton Wanderers - Out of their depth at this level though they have plenty of guts and are willing to put up a fight. To be admired at least for having a go. Ballsy.
Big Brother soul mate - Lynne.

Sunderland - Big brooding northerners, portraying themselves as serious players. Remarkable cheek for such a conspicious lack of talent. Would anyone notice if they weren't there ? Hidden shallows. Incredible.
Big Brother soul mate - Sandy.

Note: Obviously we apologise in advance to Jade and her family for associating her with Leeds - no offence.

Derek Dohren

[andyman]

lol, love it!

Be good to have this during BB10.

[30stone]

Obviously someone who loves man u and liverpoole and hates arsenal and chelsea..


Scum..

And everton and fulham boring? yet liverpool great? most boring football to watch in premierleague.

[Novo]

:n ono:

This man should do it now

we arent boring anymore

[andyman]

lol dull as ditchwater!

So true tho

For BB10 the boring housemate will be Everton...

To be fair it does need updating with it being from 2002 with BB3 housemates...

[andyman]

Lol the Everton is so funny..












And true.