[Romantic Old Bird]

We've probably had this one before too:

Beer drinker's trouble shooters guide:

(For Splodge, just substitiute the word Martini, OK!)


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette ends
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to toilets, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM: World suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up at you and laughs.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: Its water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Dont recognize anyone, dont recognize the room youre in.
FAULT: Youve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Dont remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

[BusyBee]

Here's a couple referring to someone I know very well:

SYMPTOM: Cant get to to the top of the stairs
FAULT: Feet taking two steps up and one down
ACTION: Crawl


SYMPTOM: Bathroom floor used as a bed
FAULT: Head going in circles when you try to get up
ACTION: Give up - the rest of the family can always use the other loo

[Romantic Old Bird]

Originally posted by BusyBee
Here's a couple referring to someone I know very well:

Who's been talking???

Not that Peachy I hope!!

[peachy]

As if I would tell all I know about a certain drunken Floss Goodbody being sick in a hand-decorated Spanish Fruit bowl.

[Sticks]

Makes me kind of glad that I am teetotal

[Boris]

Ther is just NOTHINGthat can be said to follow that last 2 posts by the reprobates Bunty and Floss.


I go to bed laughing

[Mairi]

No, I've not seen that one before, ROB.

Very, very funny, as always.

[Romantic Old Bird]

Originally posted by peachy
As if I would tell all I know about a certain drunken Floss Goodbody being sick in a hand-decorated Spanish Fruit bowl.

Ermmm, I think that's enough information about the old girl thanks Peachy . She wasn't feeling quite herself that night, and as you well know, the wine did her no harm at all. It was the water that made her poorly!

[BusyBee]

Thanks for not thinking I was talking about me - I wasnt by the way
Well not this time