[Mrluvaluva]

I found this whilst searching around, written by Juliet Bravo from GBBF (Get Carter on DS), about 2 years ago, I am led to believe. Many of you have most probably seen it before, but I am sure that many haven't. I think is hialrious, so I am reposting it here. Stage by stage.

[Mrluvaluva]

TWO MONTHS LATER......GUESS WHO CAME TO DINNER AND WON"T LEAVE!

..in a quiet culde sac in Consett Co. Durham, behind the unassuming facade of the ordinary two up two down terraced house, with its neat front garden and crisp, white net curtains, turmoil reigns in the Hutton household, over the house guest Craig Coates......

Nana Hutton: ( whispers) "Ant'knee pet, I know 'es ya mate like but it's been two month now like and 'es eatin' us out of house and home like".

Ant'knee: "ay I knows Nana, but I canna do owt, 'e won't leave us alone like."

Cretinous Craig:
"Anfffonknee..Anfffonnnkneeee...come and sit next to me, give me a cuddle b!tch, can I touch ya Anffonknee, can I, sit next to me ( sob , sob, blub, blub) Why ya got ya arm round that b!tch!!!"

Ant'knee: "Fookin' hell man, she's me Nana like!"

Cromer Crimper Craig: "OH I can't believe YOU Anfffonkneee after ALL I've done for ya and you treat me like sh!t. I'm telling ya boy don't trust anyone in this house. I cook and clean for you, not that old woman and that other devious cow..."

Ant'knee: "Who me mam like?"

Creepy Craig: "Listen Anffonknee she's trying to come between us, she's a manipulative b!tch, she's not fit to touch ya...."


Ant'knee: "But she gave birth to us like!!!"

Callous Craig: "Details mere details. I wish you were ( puts hands to his mouth and whispers) G...A..Y)."

Ant'knee: "But I'm always happy and that like!"


T!tboy: "Do ya love me Annffonknee, do ya, do ya love me???, come and sit next to me. Where ya going Anffonkneeee, I can't bear to be in a room without ya.."

Nana Hutton: "He's gaan to the tiolet like pet, leave him for a sec like, and shouldn't ya be making a move back to Norfolk, like. I'm sure ya mam must be missin' yas and that like."

The Cromer Creep: "Oh you can just shut up. I will not diminish my character by arguing with you, old woman, get out of my way, you don't know me and what I'm capable of!!!!!!!Anyway for your information my family have moved and I dont have a forwarding address. Annnfffonkneeeee I'm coming darhlin'".

Nana Hutton to Ma Hutton: "Call 999 now....and tell 'em to send armed back -up like pet."

[Mrluvaluva]

MEANWHILE AT THE CONSETT POLICE STATION.....


........custody officer Brain Jenkins receives a frantic telephone call:


Pc Jenkins: "..calm down pet, speak slower. I canna hear yas.....what he's been there two month like and won't leave....stalkin' ya grandson like...a dangerous lunatic ya says....yes we do have trained armed officers at this station...well I'll need a description like pet...enormous head.....pot-belly...ill-fitting pink t-shirt...ill-fitting jeans...sweaty chubby hands....answers to the name of Craig C.....OMG pet...that's not the Cromer Crimper off of BB6 is it ?....Jesus Christ this is more serious than I thought....we're on the case pet....don't antagonise him...he may start...to...cry!!!!!!!"

(Pc Jenkins puts the phone down and breathes heavily, then gets on his police radio).

..... "this is an urgent call out, code red, to ALL officers in the Co. Durham, Newcastle and Middlesborough region, hell the whole of the North East. We have a siege situation in Consett. One Craig Coates aka the Cromer Crimper, has taken Ant'knee Hutton, 70s disco dancer, hostage in the toilet of his small, but well proportioned terrace house. Approach with extreme caution. I repeat with extreme caution. Mounted police officers and those in full riot gear are to proceed to the scene immediately. GO! GO! GO!....I only pray to God we get there in time".

[Mrluvaluva]

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE TOILET CHEZ HUTTON.........

Ant'knee (foolishly) takes a leak whilst Craig sits on the side of the bath, playfully twisting the head off the pink doll in a frilly long dress/toilet paper cover and gazing longingly at Ant'knee'...ermmm....member!!!.......suddenly with a fleetness of foot hitherto unseen in the slightly portly, well downright overweight Norfolk kno*end, Craig springs from the bath and positions himself right next to Ant'knee......

Ant'knee: " Fookin' hell man wat ya doin' like, why ya puttin' ya hands there!!!"

Cromer Craig: " Oh My God ( blub, blub) I DON"T BELIEVE YOU ANFFFONNNKNEEEE ( sob, sob), I put my hand on your co*k, as a friend ( sniffle, sniffle) and you're DISGUSTED, I make ya sick ( tiny tears, tiny tears). Ya let that b!tch touch it though didn't ya. Didn't complain when SHE did it ( breaksdown)".

Ant'knee: " Yeah but she was me ex-fiancee like , and we'd been goin' out for like two years and that..."

Crying Crimper: " but...but...but...I..love...you...and..God..why do I bother....I worship the ground you walk on.
.....and I won't say it cos you'll not like it......

Ant'knee: "Don't say it man like".

Cretinous Craig: "I won't say it..(puts hands to his mouth and whispers.... whilst still gazing at Ant'knee's co*k , which for some inexplicable reason is still out!!....I...WOULD...LIKE...TO...SLEEP...WITH..
YOU.."

Ant'knee: " But yas been sharing me bed for two month now like, in a manly way like".

Craig: "Anffonkneee what's all that noise, sounds like, police sirens, horses....and a helicopter?!!!!!"

Nana Hutton: ( voice shaking and hands quivering tries to open the toilet door..it's locked!!!!)
..... " Awww comeon now pet, let our Ant'knee out there's a love. There's some nice men downstairs in white coats and that like , who'd like a word with ya pet".

T!tboy: " I've told ya before old woman , back off. I'm not an instigator starter but if anyone touches Anffonknee I'll rip their arms off!!!".

(An un-characteristically quick witted Ant'knee siezes the opportunity of Nana Hutton and Craig arguing to button up his trousers and using a mascara pen ( which he uses for make-up in his stage show..... in a manly way ) to write a message on a sheet of toilet paper, which he places in one of the many empty bottles of massage lotion strewned around the toilet and tosses it out of the window).

Ant'knee: " Craig ya knows I like yas as a mate like, but ermm that like sex like innuendo and that like, ya got ta fookin' cut it out".

Creepy Craig: ( sobbing) " why do you treat me like sh!t. I will not diminish my character any further for the sake of this friendship..end of.

Craig grabs Ant'knee around the neck...

"..do ya want a massage Anfffonkneee???. Can I touch ya???"

Ant'knee:


Suddenly Craig is distracted by the strains of a familiar song......

"Oh baby, baby, how was I supppose to know..."

Craig: " It's ....BRITNEY".


The crazed Crimper, loosens his grip on Ant'knee and begins to dance wildly around the toilet.


Outside a huuuuuge crowd has gathered, held back by the telltale sign of blue and white police tape. A helicopter wurrs above....officers in riot gear, TV crews, a whole media circus. Davina Macoll ( dressed in black) is working the crowd. Many have banners.....PC Jenkins holds the empty massage lotion bottle in his hand, the hastily written note, in Ant'knee's barely legible childish handwriting, held tightly in his gloved fist.It reads:

"help...being holded hoostaige, by Crag, he's a fookin'' meantallist...he says we'll be two gether four ever...he says me dancing carrear is over like.......and that I'll never boogie oogie oggie till I just can't boogie no more again!!!!....get me out like....ya got ta distrate him....play some music like....Britney Shears....Hit Me Baby One More Time.....get a hoostaige negotia..negoati...someone who can talk to him like...there's only one woman for that job like...ya knows who I mean....hurry up like...cheers Ant'knee"


Suddenly this quiet street in Consett Co. Durham resembles a biblical scene as the crowd starts to part like the Red Sea.....from amidst the darkness, the noise and confusion emerges a figure...dressed in a black PVC mini -dress, weilding a truncheon...the voice is loud and distinctive, authoritative yet strangely annoying....

..."at the end of the daaaaay riiiiight...I KNOW I'm good looking and 'ave blokes fallin' at my feet and I'm a fookin' top hostage negotiator"

[Mrluvaluva]

EPISODE 4 "Every 'witch'way but lose".



MEANWHILE BACK IN THE TOILET OF ANT'KNEE'S SMALL BUT COMFORTABLE TERRACED HOUSE, TENSIONS ARE RUNNING HIGH........

The Cromer Crimper: " OMG it's Lesleeh...Lesleeeh, Lesleeeeehhhh!!! Is that you love ?. Team Britney rises again, they're playing our song Lesleeehh...'my lonliness is killing me...' Oh too right Britney, too bloody right love, you speak the truth girl....'I must confess I still believe, still believe'...Oh Anfffonkneee I STILL BELIEVE..BELIEVE IN US!!!!"

Ant'knee:

Crazy Craig: " Do ya like Britney Anfffonkneee?"

Ant'knee: " Nah man, she's not one of me favourites like."


MEANWHILE OUTSIDE THE HOUSE IN A SCENE REMINESCENT OF AL PACINO IN A "DOG'S DAY AFTERNOON".... Warner Bros pictures (1971) directed by Sidney Lumet.... PC JENKINS IS A WORRIED MAN.....

PC Jenkins: " Come on Fat Les pet, I thought ya could get him out".

Lesleeh: " Listen mate I'm tryin' me best, he doesn't even know if he's out yet, wat chance 'ave I got. Comeone Craigie, for Team Britney's sake come out love, ya know ya can't hurry love, you just got to wait..it don't come easy, it's a game of give and take"

PC Jenkins: " Ermm Fat Les pet, yas sure that's standard hostage negotiation technique?"

Lesleeeh: " ya calling me a bully , are ya??, are ya ? cos I ain't bothered right...cos at the end of the daaaay riight...Craigie listen babe, ya got to give up, just pull ya self together, get a grip ya soft g!t".

Cromer Craig: " OMG Lesleeeh not you too. I can't believe it ( blub, blub) you've turned against me, just like that b!tch Vanessa ( tiny tears, tiny tears), everyone hates me, no-one asks me; if I want a cup of tea no-one asks me...I hate people. Anfffonkneeeee you've rejected me and I can't go on any longer...just kill me ( breaksdown)".

Ant'knee: ( whisper) "don't tempt us like" ."fookin' 'ell. Wat's wrong with yas like, man. You're acting like a geek!"

Crying Craig: " ohhh you b!tch"

With that Craig slaps a stunned Ant'knee square in the face.

Ant'knee: " Mam, Nana help us like, he's turning nasty!!!!".

Craig: " Kiss me Anfffonknee and I'll forgive you".

Ant'knee: "No like".


A loud wailing sound is heard throughout Co. Durham.

Lesleeeh: " at the end of the daaaay riight, I'm ya friend Craigie, just come out and I'll give ya a cuddle".

Ant'knee: " Yeah do as she says man, like. If yas gaan down stairs with us, I'll stuck yas fingers".

Craig: "OHHHHHHHH!! ANFFFONNNKNEEEEE!!! I knew you loved me."

Ant'knee:

Ant'knee and the Cromer Crimper gingerly make their way downstairs. Ma and Nana Hutton are waiting outside nervously with PC Jenkins. As they reach the front door Craig suddenly stops and producing from the back pocket of his saggy jeans a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs:

Ant'knee: "WTF yas doin' with them like?"

Craig: "Ohhhhh Anfffonknee I was saving them for later ( puts hands to his mouth).......WHEN..WE'RE....IN....BED"

Ant'knee: " Jesus man, d'yas ever stop like".

Craig: " But just to make sure..."

Craig slaps one side of the pink fluffy cuffs on Ant'knee's right wrist the other one on his left wrist.

Craig: "I'll like to see them part us now".

With that he opens the door to be greeted by the sight of the baying mob, Davina having worked them into a frenzy. A telephone vote has been going on all evening as to whether or not Craig should be section, so far 78% say yes, although there have been problems with some of the text vote registering. They keep coming back saying
"you're vote for Orlaith has not been counted". The helicopter still wurrs overhead and the mass ranks of the riot squad prepare themselves for battle.

Lesleeeh: " That's it Craigie just come out bit by bit. Now Step away from the 70s disco dancer. I repeat step away from the 70s disco dancer"

Ant'knee: ( whisper) " I have to give to Fat Les, this is text boooke stuff."


All is going well when suddenly the clip, clop, clap sound of tiny stilletoes breaks the night air.......

" Don't trust Fat Les, she's a mole as well....I'm sure of it, call herself a hostage negotiator. She couldnt negotiate her way out of a club toilet, and let's face it baby doll that's where most of YOUR sexual enconters have taken place. Excuse me PC Jenkins baby doll Sir, there's only one way to end this siege. You gotta punk that psycho b!tch Craig!!! BTW PC Jenkins you look fabulous in that uniform darhlin'"

PC Jenkins ( blushing profusely) " why thank yas officer Kemal...but.....ermmm...wat in the blue blazes are yas doin' man!!! yas just jeopardised a very delicate operation!!!".

Officer Kemal" Opps sorry baby doll, damn I knew I should have brought my strawberry lip gloss....hey lola...hey lolaaaa" Officer Kemal begins to belly dance for the crowd.

Creintous Craig: " I knew it, just knew it...Anfffonkneee they've tricked me ( blub, blub) They want to separate us...never..who will massage you, who will cook for you...who will wipe your ar$e?" ( cry, cry!!).

Craig suddenly reaches for the back pocket of his saggy jeans again and produces a pair of hair clippers. He grabs Ant'knee round the neck and aims the weapon at the 70s disco dancer's carefully plucked eyebrows!!!!

"Listen coppers, I've got hairclippers and I ain't afraid to use 'em!!!"

Nana Hutton: " Sweet Jesus not our Ant'knee's eyebrows...anything but the eyebrows. PC Jenkins yas gottta do something like pet, anything.....ANYTHING!!!!"

Ant'knee: (whispers)"Damn yas Kemal, I knew it were a bad idea yas gaaning into the police force...that was a school boy error like"

Craig : ( shouting through his tears) ' YOU"LL NEVER SPILT US UP.... I LOVE ANFFONKNEE AND HE LOVES ME...ONE MILLION PER CENT...ENDOF!!!!"

PC Jenkins: " This is disastrous...but I've got an idea...it's risky and I'll need authorisation from the top".

Officer Kemal: " Ohhh baby doll, you don't mean authorisation from Superintendant Sir Tommy Robson, twin brother of Toon legend Sir Bobby Robson, former manager of Newcastle and England, Sir ???!!!".

PC Jenkins: " I do indeed Kemal, I do indeed. It's not often we have to call on such high ranking officers, but what I've got in mind ....well its's big. Kemal".

Officer Kemal: " If you say so baby doll Sir" (snort, snort, )

Pc Jenkins: " Honestly Kemal, be serious. I want yas to phone Sir Tommy; this is a fight of good against evil and we're losing.....so we've gotta fight fire with fire......"

Officer Kemal: " Oh my days baby doll Sir, you don't mean.....go over to the other side???!!!..."

PC Jenkins: " Yes...we're going to have to contact the spirit world. Once Superintendant Robson gives you the go ahead, call Mary the Witch. Tell her to rendez vous with us in the grave yard of the Church of the Immaculate Conception, Consett at midnight....she's gonna do a seance...and contact....the dark side....she's gonna get.....The Dark Deceiver!!!!! "

Officer Kemal: " Oh...My....Days.....what drama...where are my accessories....comeone headscarf...b!tch don't fail me now..."

[Mrluvaluva]

Episode 5 - "The Dark Deceiver Cometh"


It's midnight in the grave yard of the church of the Immaculate Conception Consett, Co. Durham....the night is chilled and expectant...something dark, something mysterious hangs heavy in the fetid air, something evil, something deadly stalks the land ( and it's not Craig Coates!!).......a solitary owl, sitting on the impressive branch of an ancient oak tree, hoots; its round form silhouetted against the clear, luminous moon, high in the pitch black sky....there is stillness...there is malevolence...there is fear.....


PC Jenkins: " Officer Kemal stop holding my hand".

Kemal: "Sorry baby doll Sir but I'm scared; this is well spooky".

Superintendant Robson: " So let me get this right...Colin the flower arranger.."

Pc Jenkins: " No Craig the hairdresser".

Robson: " yes yes, is holding Andrew the ballet dancer hostage?".

Pc Jenkins: " is holding Ant'knee the 70s disco dancer hostage".

Robson: "Yes! YES! hostage at his respectable terraced house in Consett, Co. Durham..and Colin is in love with Andrew?".

Officer Kemal: " No baby doll Superintendant Sir, Craig is in love with Ant'knee. Ant'knee likes him as a friend, athough he does hug him alot.... in a manly way, but between you and me baby doll Sir, I think Ant'knee's bi".

Robson: " Bi? bi what? So Colin's a fella like and he loves Andrew who's also a fella like..I don't get it?"


PC Jenkins to officer Kemal:

Officer Kemal: " Where you been baby doll Sir, get with the programme...it's 2005!!! hello!!!"

Robson: "Hey look son, I may be old school but I run a forward looking police force these days, open to all. BTW are you two coming to the Police Benevolent Ball next week?".

PC Jenkins; " Ay Sir , who's the guest speaker?"

Robson: " Bernard Manning!".

Jenkins to Kemal:

Suddenly from amongst the gravestones, a shadowy figure appears. Dark hair flowing behind her in the night breeze..eyes, clear and blue, intense..very intense..its's Mary.


PC Jenkins: " Hello Mary pet, thanks for coming."

Mary: " That's fine, now listen we haven't got much time and I'm not sure I can do this.This is dangerous stuff you're asking me to do. The risks are high and my aura is low".

Officer Kemal: " Oh my days, I'm scared!!!

Kemal hides behind a gravestone, sucking his knuckles.

Mary: " now all hold hands and concentrate...I call upon hecarte and the spirits of the night..oh Dark Deceiver, System Lord, do you hear me...?"

NOTHING.

Mary: " Dark Deceiver, if you're there give me a sign!".

Suddenly a low, plummy voice is heard, faintly but the words are ennuciated beautifully:

"GHASTLY!!"

Officer Kemal: "oh my days...it's Derek!!!".

Mary: " Dark Decevier, we call upon you and your evil forces to help us in our hour of need. The Cromer Crimper has taken leave of his senses. He is holding Ant'knee hostage, threatening to shave his eyebrows off and basically wants a piece of the Geordie 70s disco dancer....can you speak to Craig?".

Dark Deceiver: " What me ? a man of impeccable taste and breeding ?; a man who has dined at some of the finest restuarants in London?; a man who has sipped fine wines in some of the most fashionable drawing rooms in the country?; a man who has holidayed at some of the most sort after resorts in the world. Ohhh and that reminds me ..did I tell you about the time...many, many years ago when I dined with the late princess Margaret at her private residence in Mustique ? It was a frightfully glittering occasion, the champagne and conversation flowed, such civilised people, oh and Margaret, dear sweet Margaret was absolutely charming...."

Mary: " That's all very well and good Dark Deceiver, but we have more pressing matters, Craig's insanity...oh hang on I'm feeling something...... or someone else...."

Robson: "What is it pet ?"

Mary: " I can feel another force, two, they're loud and boistrous, disruptive..I don't like it and I'm feeling ill".

Robson: " This was all your stupid idea Jenkins!"

Mary: " Something else is definitely coming.."

" Ha ha, don't grind ya teef at me like a dog...its game on ...dog eat dog...end of!!!"

" AHHH it's ********** mint to be set free again...this is gonna be off...the..hook!!!"

Officer Kemal: " oh my days, Mary you B!tch witch, you've conjured up Maxwell and Saskia!!!!"

PC Jenkins: " Mary this is serious. It could have devastating effects on world peace."

Mary: " I'm sooo sorry; that was the risk of contacting the Dark Deceiver. I've opened up a vortex in the underworld and the poltergeists of Max and Saskia have slipped through!!"

Officer Kemal: " So where are they now?".

Mary:" Anywhere, but I'm thinking that they'll want to regroup Team Smug so they're probably flying to Ant'knee's house as we speak".

Robson: " Well we better get back pronto. But what of the Dark Deceiver?"

Dark Deceiver: " Oh helloooo there..I do like a man in uniform. You must be the Superinendant, enchantee"

Robson: " WTF Where did yas come from like?"

Dark Deceiver: " Delighted to meet you, you do look familiar. Did you attend Daphne and Binky Parker-Jones' garden party last year?"

Robson: " Ermm..no like".

PC Jenkins: "Look Dark Deceiver, no time for pleasantries, we need to get to Ant'knee's Nana's ...NOW".

Dark Deceiver: " Well that's all very well and good, but I do have my demands. Really if you expect me to walk amongst those Northern peasants, dirty from the coal mines, I expect at the very leaast that you contact my housekeeper. Tell her to collect a selection of my favourite Barbra Streisand CDs, "Evergreen", " Don't Rain on My Parade" and the entire soundtrack from "Yentl". I also require a chaffeur driver Rolls Royce, caviar, fois gras and the finest Bollinger BTW you DO look fabulous in that uniform Kemal...blue serge is definitely your colour!".

PC Jenkins:

Robson: "Done let's go".

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE STREET.......


Craig: (crying) " I can't take any more of this. Where's the copper gone. I demand a plane and two one way tickets to Puerto Rico for me and my boyfriend ( looks at Ant'knee) in the names of Britney and Chico; and I want them now".

Ant'knee: " Wat yas on man, like".

Craig: " It's the only way Anffonkneee that we can be together...why are you pretending..don't you remember last night?"

Ant'knee:

Craig: ( puts hands to his mouth) YOU...SNOGGED..ME!!".

Ant'knee: " Don't lie man, don't says them things like. I told yas before, I likes yas as a mate; ay but yas gonna ruin that friendship, if yas says them things like; that and the fact that yas taken me hostage and terrified me Nana and me mam".

Craig: " Oh ANFFFONNNKNEEEEE!!!, why do you do that to me, why do you treat me like sh!t, everyone treats me like sh!t. I needs support, and I'm not getting it from anyone."

Craig puts his hands to his head in a tres camp fashion and starts to cry...again!!1....

Ant'knee:


Suddenly Craig in a fit of desperation makes a run for it, man boobs wobbly wildly under his ill-fitting pink t-shirt. Ant'knee handcuffed to his captor has no choice but to follow, his little hairy legs weak from the ordeal of the past few hours. With surprising speed and agility as if guided by some unknown forces, T!tboy and the 70s disco dancer, dart their way through police lines and reach Nana Hutton's biege Vauxhall Astra. Conveniently the old dear has left the car unlocked and the key in the ignition. They jump in and to the sound and smell of burning rubber speed off, hotly pursued by hundreds of officers in cars, on horseback and motorcycles. Speeding through the night street of Co. Durham, Crazy Craig and Anxious Ant'knee, miraculously lose their pursuers....as if some evil spirits were assisting the Cromer Crimper in his insane plan!!. The Vauxhall Astra pulls up outside Consett Leisure Centre.

Craig: " Right. We've lost them. Anfffonknee we'll hide here till morning..you got your swimmming trunks? If not ( puts hands to his mouth) YOU...COULD...ALWAYS...GO SKINNY..DIPPING!!"

Ant'knee: " Way ay man, wat did I tell yas. Why would I want to ga swimming at 3.00am in the morning like?".

Craig ( hands on hips) Comeone Anffonknee...there's a hot tub in there, please, please (cry, cry). Anyway you've got no choice now ( purses lips) I'M IN CHARGE NOW...I'M THE DOMINANT ONE NOW...DO WHAT I SAY BOY!!!".

Ant'knee:

Ant'knee undresses ( keeping his black boxers on) whilst Craig looks on , smiling snugly...Craig, still handcuffed to the object of his desires then slips out of his pink t-shirt, jeans and underpants. They climb into the hot-tub.

Ant'knee: "WFT yas nakkid for man".

Craig: " Because I want to that's why...oh my God everything I do for you as a friend is just through back in my face ( sob, sob).

Ant'knee fearing more violence tries to calm the troubled waters.

Ant'knee: " You're in a foul mood, I'm ganna try and inject some of my good times into yas".

Craig: ( whispers).."I wish you'd inject something else into me instead!!!"

Suddenly....

...."Oi Craig you big mincer..leave it out..apples and pears, strike a light, Mary Poppins, wat DO you look like".

Craig glances up to the ceiling of the Leisure centre; and there floating high above him are two figures....

Craig: " OMG..it's Maxwell and Saskia"........

[Mrluvaluva]

EPISODE 6 " Off the Hook and off his faaacking rocker".

AFTER BEING TRAPPED WITH HIS KIDNAPPER IN THE HOT - TUB AT THE CONSETT LEISURE CENTRE FOR OVER 17 HOURS ANT'KNEE IS FEELING DECIDEDLY WRINKLED AND SHRIVELLED!!!!!.......

Ant'knee: " Fookin' hell man, like its Maxwell and Sakia like!!! I thought yas had gaan forever like....last time I heard yas had got a magazine deal with "Butcher and Offal Producer's Monthly" and yas wor whisked off like to Clacton -On-Sea for an all expenses paid stay in a two star b&b...wat happened like?"

Maxwell: " well ya know mate it was off...the...hook...I mean holiday in the faaacking sun ( and rain); all the faaaacking trimmings, bed and faaaacking breakfast..full English...evening meal at the local faaaacking "Harvester", photoshoot on Clacton beach, all in the company of a faaaacking gorgeous bird with massive jubblies, we was living like stars...get in there my son".

Saskia: "one million per cent".

Maxwell: " But then the offers dried up...faaack abaaat I thinks to meself ..I'm gonna 'ave to go back to faaaacking plumbing".

Saskia:" one million per cent".

Maxwell: " So strike a light, apples and pears, knees up Muvver Braaawn, I was walkin'' down the frog and toad, wiv Sask on me arm "

Saskia: " One million percent".

Maxwell: "When stone the faaaacking crows, but wat do me mince pies see, only faaaacking Delboy".

Saskia: " Dog eat dog".

Maxwell: " So to cut a long story short, I should bleedin' coco, roll out the barrel, Mary Poppins, pie mash, jellied eels and a pint of mild, I tells ol' Delboy that me and Sas 'ave fallen on 'ard times and 'e reckons 'e can 'elp us".

Saskia : " one million percent."

Maxwell:' Anyways he says summink abaaaat having to make a faaacking Faustian Pact with the Devil or some mallarkey...so I signs me life away in me own faaacking blood".

Saskia : " Game on".

Maxwell: " So would ya faaacking Adam and Eve it, 'es only gone and made us faaaacking immortal...fair dues to the geezer; but we did 'ave to sell our souls to Satan, but still mustn't grumble".

Saskia: " End of!!".

Craig: " OHHHHHH".

Ant'knee: " Wat?"

Maxwell: " Anyways that daft bint Mary, did summink the other night to conjure up Delboy or the Dark Deceiver as 'es callin' himself now...the kn*b...and bob's ya faaaackin' uncle, strike a light, Chas 'n Dave, me and Sask was sucked through some faaaackin' underworld vortex and 'ere we are!!! Result!!!".( sticks tongue out)

Craig: " So are you real Maxwell...'

Maxwell: " As real as I ever was!!!"

Craig: " Oh Maxwell I've missed you so much, Anffonkneee has rejected me,I'm so alone...I'm only human...

Ant'knee: ( whispers to himself) "I wouldn't bet on it like man!"

Craig; " I'm only human Maxwell, (sob, sob,) I can't help having feelings, ( blub, blub).

Maxwell: " Wat ya been doing ya big mincer, kidnapping Ant'knee".

Craig; ( puts hands to his mouth)...BUT...I....LOVE...HIM...AND....HE'S...
G...A...Y...)"

Ant'knee: " fookin' hell man, I can see yas when ya do that like!!".

Maxwell: " Faack abaaaat Craig mate".

Saskia: " one million percent".

Maxwell: " well look take them faacking 'andcuffs off 'im and go and make us all summink to eat".

Craig: " Ohhh Maxwell of course anything for you Maxwell, Can I have a cuddle, can I touch you Maxwell???? please, please, I need a cuddle...and not a manly one!!".

Maxwell: " Sorry Craigie mate; me and Sask are made up of anti-matter and extoplasm, ya arms would go right through us!".

Craig: starts to wail " No-one loves me, they all hate me, I just need support and love, is that so much to ask for. I can't take this anymore, (sob, sob).

Max 'n Sask :


Having prepared a hearty meal for his friends; (from the staff canteen at the Leisure centre, which BTW is conveniently closed for refurbishments but has a splendidly equipped kitchen and well stocked fridge); Craig returns to the pool area. Anthony is relaxing on a lilo.

Craig: " Anfffonkneee can I sit next to you, Anfffonknee do you want a massage...

Ant'knee: " No".

Craig: " foot massage?"

Ant'knee: " No!".

Craig: " head, massage?"

Ant'knee: groan..."NO!"

Craig: "... back massage??.... hand massage?...
shoulder rub?.....neck rub?....groin rub?....co*k rub?".

Ant'knee: " WAT?!!!!!! "

Craig: " Opps did I say that last one out loud? ".

Ant'knee: " Look just leave us alone like."

Craig: "Well if you didn't like it why do you stay hey, hey answer me that boy!!!. The cuffs are off GO! GO! see if I care..'

Ant'knee moves slightly in his lilo...

Craig: ( crying hysterically) Oh NO! NO!!! DON"T LEAVE ME ANFFFONKEEEEEE.I CAN'T STAND TO BE IN A ROOM WITHOUT YOU . YOU KNOW I CAN'T . I STILL FEEL YOUR PRESENCE WHEN YOU'RE NOT THERE.DON'T LEAVE ME PLEASE...PLEASE...( sob, sob).

Ant'knee: " and where the fook am I gonna go to. You've barricaded the doors like and I'm trapped in a Leisure Centre with two ghosts and a madman...oh my head hurts".

Craig: " let me kiss it better, my poor Anffonknee"

Craig leans over, surreptiously covering himself with a large white towel. With his right hand he starts to stroke Ant'knee's forehead. But where is his left hand???. Suddenly from the corner of his eye Ant'knee can see vigorous movements of the towel around Craig's groin region.

Ant'knee: " Wat yas doin' man like!!"

Craig: 'Oh Anffonknee why do you always do this to me, I was having a ham shank as a friend and you think I'M DISGUSTING. I make you sick ( cry, cry).

Maxwell: " Look we better get out of here Delboy will have the cops after us soon. Look I know a living room with a big yella sofa where the four of us can sit and talk about farting, burping and vomiting to our hearts content."

Craig: " Ohh where's that?"

Maxwell: " my mum's house. She went on holiday the day I got evicted and I've not heard from her since; and me dad sold up and didn't leave a forwarding address."

Craig: " Ain't that funny, my family did the same".

Saskia: " Mine too"

Ant'knee: ( whispers to himself) "I never thought I'd be saying this like, but Derek man, I needs yas big time, ya posh t!t......"

[Mrluvaluva]

EPISODE 7 " The Hunt for Cromer Craig".

MEANWHILE OUTSIDE NANA HUTTON'S SMALL BUT PERFECTLY FORMED SEMI-DETACHED TERRACE HOUSE IN CONSETT CO. DURHAM, THE MEDIA CIRCUS CONTINUES.....

Davina: ( dressed in black) "This is Davina, you're live on "BB6 The Aftermath", please do not swear. I'm here ouside Nana Hutton's house with the crowd"

( BOOOOOOOOO!!!!, someone throws an orange!!);

"....as we wait for news of Craig and Ant'knee's whereabouts, following the Crimper's dramatic dash for Freedom. As you know the voting has been going on all day; the question :' What would YOU like to inject into Craig' ( pulls silly face). So far 56% of you have said rat poison,30% stricknine, 14% anything lethal!!!. So crowd what do you think...."

BB Mob:"ORLAITH....ORLAITH...ORLAITH..
OUT..OUT..OUT!!!" more oranges thrown.

Davina ( flustered) " Anyway join me in 4 for more updates".


MEANWHILE INSIDE NANA HUTTON'S FRONT ROOM ARE THE DARK DECEIVER, MA HUTTON AND SEVERAL MEMBERS OF ANT'KNEE'S DISCO DANCING TROOP THE STRETCH LIMO BOOGIE BOYS.....

Ma Hutton: "Sa would yas like some tea like Dark Deceiver pet like?"

Dark Deceiver: " Do you have any darjeeling or lapsangsuchon?; and I trust the cups are the finest bone china. I simply cannot drink out of anything else my dear woman"

Ma Hutton: "Ermmm, well like it's PG tips pet and I bought the cups from Argos like..will that do?"

The Dark Deceiver shoots a look of utter contempt at Ma Hutton.

Dark Deceiver; " No it certainly will not do...ghastly!!!! This is how I imagine that pesant Science lives...this really is too much...too much.."

Just then the strains of Michael Jackson fill the room.....

"I just can't, I just can't. I just can't control my feet, I just can't, I just can't, I just can't control my feet..don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame it on the moonlight, don't blame it on the good times...blame it on the boogie...."

Dark Deceiver: " What the dickens is going on in this God forsaken place!!"

Disco dancers 1, 2 and 3 of Ant'knee troop, sashay into the lounge, whooping and spinning....

Disco Dancer No.1 : " Hiya Ma Hutton, sorry ta hear 'boot wor Ant'knee like".

Disco Dancer No.2 : " Wey ay Ma Hutton, yea sorry 'boot wor Ant'knee like; so we thought we'd come ova like an' cheers yas up, the only way wes knows how...with disco....."

" Le Freak c'est chic..."

Dark Deceiver to Disco dancer no.3: " I say young man...you DO have awfully big...biceps...do you...work out??!!!'

Disco dancer no.3: " Wey ay Dark Deceiver; everyday like at the Consett Y.M.C.A. We all used to gaan down there with wor Ant'knee. The lads there a right friendly an' that".

Disco dancer no. 1&2 " Ay".

" Oh what a wow..he's the greatest dancer".

Disco Dancer no. 3: " Sa any road Dark Deceiver I thought yas was conjured up like to find Ant'knee like?"

Dark Deceiver: "Well I was dear boy, but by the time I got here with those bungling buffons, Robson, Jenkins and Kemal, our birds had flown as it were, so now I'm stuck in this Northern hellhole while the others have gone to London with Nana Hutton to do some sort of BBLB/ Crmewatch special".

Disco dancer no.3 " Ay I see Dark Deceiver. Sa wat yas gonna do till they come back?"

" Go on now go, walk out the door don't turn around now, you're not welcome anymore".

Dark Deceiver: " Well I am rather at a loose end. One of me, three of you, sounds like a party to me. I say boys, how about you teach me some disco moves and then when we've worked up a sweat we can all go down to the Y.M.C.A for a lovely shower and sauna,now doesn't that sound like absolute fun?".

Disco dancers 1,2 &3 : " Wey ay Dark Deceiver. Now this move is called the cool down, wave ya hand in front of ya face, that's it D.D and shimmy"

"Dance..... boogie wonderland, huh....huh. Dance...boogie wonderlaaaaaannnnddddd".


MEANWHILE IN A STUDIO IN LONDON, A SPECIAL EDITION OF BBLB/ BBBM/CRIMWATCH IS ABOUT TO GO ON AIR......

Dermot: " Er hey!!! it's 21.40 pm and welcome to this special BBLB/BBBM/Crimewatch...or as they say in Kazakstan.."&*@^$Ł%$^)@)"........Russell.

Russell: "Dermot. Hare Krishna. As you all know the hunt for Craig and Ant'knee continues a pace. And you've been phoning in on the rant line with your views..here's John from Blackpool:

"Just get 'im out, get 'im out, with his head the size of a football ball, and don't show that bloody Craig on the telly at teatime, I can't eat me tea, he makes me sick, get 'im out, get'im out....any road I've hired a bounty hunter from Texas to track him down and bring 'im in...get 'im out...."

Russell: "Well strong feelings as ever John, Fiona."

Fiona Bruce: " Russell. I'm joined in the studio tonight by Superintendant Robson, PC Jenkins and rookie cop officer Kemal, good evening gentlemen."

Robson and Jenkins: " Good evening".

Officer Kemal: " Hi baby doll, ohh did I tell you I've been to drama school and I'm a belly dancer, which camera do I look into; oh and I'm not sure about this eye-shadow baby doll, that b!tch in make-up didn't have a clue...hey lola...hey lolaaaa".

PC Jenkins: " Not now Kemal"

Fiona: " Officers I believe that the BBLB Craig look alike has taken part in a reconstruction. Any new leads?"

Robson: " Well Fiona there have been a number of sightings and we're presently following them up".

Fiona: " Superintendant, I also understand that the police have used unorthodox techniques and called in a medium, Mary and a shadowy figure known as the Dark Deceiver?"

Robson: " Well obviously I cannot disclose any information that may compromise the investigation".

Fiona: " And Nana Hutton I believe you have a personal message to send".

Nana Hutton: " Ay pet. Craig, if you're watching this, just send wor Ant'knee back. He's just a lad, he needs his mam and his nana. Also he's gone two days now without the sunbed and they're doing a special offer at Mandy's Tanning salon Consett, tanning, waxing and eyebrow plucking all for the price of one, at the moment. Have a heart pet and let him go like".

Fiona: " Thank you Nana Hutton I'm sure that's touched all the viewers watching tonight. Dermot."

Dermot: " Fiona. So the phone - in is simply..Where is Craig?...first on the line we have Sam from Wimbledon, hey Sam."

Sam: giggle. giggle, " Oh" giggle, giggle, "am I on?", giggle, giggle, "loving your work Dermot you sexy thing, ohhh you make me feel ho*ny!!!".

Dermot: ( fans himself with clipboard) you minx you..but have you seen Craig?"

Sam: " No", giggle giggle, "bye", giggle,giggle".

Dermot: " Next up it's...John from Blackpool"

John: " Get 'im out, just get 'im out!!!!!...."

Dermot: ( flustered) " and that's all we have time for on tonight's BBLB/BBBM/crimewatch special, thanks to all our guests and remember, keep 'em peeled. If you do see Craig, do NOT approach him but call the number which will appear at the bottom of your screen."


Off camera;
PC Jenkins: " Superintendant: I've got another idea."

Robson: " God help us!!".

PC Jenkins: " It's just I've got a penfriend in Zimbabwe, and I remember him talking about this special police agent often used by the Harare police on their more dangerous missions..."

Robson: "Go on, Go on...I've heard tale of her too, but I've always thought it was a myth."

PC Jenkins: " Sir I think it's time to go international...let's call Harare....yes Sir, it's the return of the MAK!!!!".

Officer Kemal: " NOOOOOOOOO!!! baby doll NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

[Mrluvaluva]

EPISODE 8 " THE RETURN OF THE MAK"

MEANWHILE AT "OPERATION T!TBOY" H.Q ( well actually the shed at the bottom of Nana Hutton's garden) OFFICERS ROBSON, JENKINS AND ROOKIE COP OFFICER KEMAL AWAIT THEIR VISITOR......

Officer Kemal: " ....but she's a mole...A MOLE I TELL YOU baby doll Sir."

Pc Jenkins: " Oh do button it Kemal, you're getting hysterical. You're not the only Diva to become an officer of the law ((passes him a tissue) you're mascara's running".

Officer Kemal: "...she may be lying about her age, but I DEFINITELY KNOW that she is not a DCI from Zimbabwe.. and...and".

Knock Knock.

Nana Hutton: " Tea pet ? I've got some garibaldis and some fois gras and bollinger that the Dark Deceiver left behind...He reckons that I need to broaden me horizons and gaan up market like!!!...oh and by the way there's another one of them journalists like wanting an exclusive interview wiv yas like, shall I show her in?".

PC Jenkins: " O.K".

"Hiyaaaaaaa. Oh my Goooddddd! Hellloooo policemen..oh my Goodddd I love gossip".

Officer Kemal: " Vanessa!".

Vanessa: " Hiyaaa Kemaauuull, Oh my Goood ya know, yeah, I'm the Chief Political Correspondent for the "Croydon Town Cryer" ya know and that, they sent me down because of my inside knowledge of that b!tch Craig...Oh my Godddddd so did they like "do it"...oh my Godddd they did didn't they...I love gossip.."

PC Jenkins: "Well not that I know of but really that's beside the point".

Vanessa: starts to write in her journo notepad 'Celebrity Stylist Craig Coates(20) and award winning dancer Ant'knee Hutton (24) were invovled in a torrid affair' "..Oh and is that when Ant'knee dumped him and Craig flipped." Starts writing again ' jilted Norfolk cry-baby Coates (29) went proper mental when his fleet footed boyfriend gave him the big e, following a string of blistering rows, a friend stated'. "...and is that when Craig began to boil all the rabbits in Norfolk?".

Pc Jenkins: " Nah pet".

Vanessa: still writing 'Delusional Craig (35) in a fit of madness broke into the luxury penthouse appartment Ant'knee (30) shared with his mother and wheel chair bound grey haired 87 year old granny'.

Nana Hutton: " What the....pet".

Vanessa: " oh my Goddddd this is great gossip....and so then is that when" starts to write once more 'Crazy Craig (52) broke the legs of muscular 6 foot 6 Ant'knee, just weeks before his Covent Garden debut with the Royal Ballet Company, and locked him in a bedroom at his secret seaside chalet on a remote stretch of the Norfolk broads."

PC Jenkins: " How is this an interview??!!!

Officer Kemal: " Baby doll Sir, baby doll, I think she's here".

Suddenly the garden was filled with the familiar sounds of the wa-waah guitar riff of the Issac Hayes 70s classic: "The Theme from Mak".

....Derderder, Derderder, Derderder DUM.
Derderder, Derderder, Derderder DUM.
Bom bada bada bada bada bom bom bom.
Bom badad bada bada bada bom bom bom.

..Who's the black private eye,
The love machine, no she don't lie?
....MAK!....daymnn right!...
Who the gal, who cheats Kemal,
She'll double cross, yeah she's the boss?
....MAK!...can ya dig it?.
They say that cat MAK's a baaad motherfunky..
SHUT YA MOUTH!
...MAK!....
Who's the 'fro who gets her man,
The Diva with a master plan?
....MAK!...right on!....
She's a complicated girl,
And no -one understands her but Big Brother.
....MAK!.....
Derderder, Derderder,Derderder DUM.

From the dingy window of the shed the officers and Vanessa could just make out the umkempt afro and then the laugh...

"AHA HA HA AHA HA HA AHA HA HA !!!"

Makosi was BACK! Dressed in the regulation police officer's shirt, especialy customised for her. Sleeveless and two sizes too small, thus struggling to keep her wayward jubblies at bay. Epaulettes stuck to her bare shoulders, denoting her rank as a DCI. Her policewoman's hat sitting uneasily atop her afro. Her child bearing hips clad in the tiniest of mini-skirts and her long bare legs shod in bright pink stilletoes...

Robson: Smiling widely " DCI Makosi, pleased to meet you and may I take this opportunity to extend the warmest of welcomes from all in the North East to you".

With that the smitten Superintendant bent over and delicately taking the DCI's hand, kissed it gently."

PC Jenkins:

Officer Kemal: "oh purlessse..pass me the sick bucket Nana Hutton".

Robson: " DCI Maksoi my petal, this is Jenkins one of our up and coming officers and I believe you already know young Kemal".

An uncomfortable silence ensued which seemed to last an eternity as the two former friends glared at each other. Checking out each other's afros, stilettoes and general style and fabulousness...

DCI Makosi: "Oh darlings; just call me Makosi, because I AM MAKOSI, amd Makosi does not lie, Makosi does not play games, Makosi is fearless. What you see with Makosi is what you get!"

Officer Kemal:

Robson: " Makosi, what a lovely name".

DCI Makosi: " It means truth and purity".

Officer Kemal: " The woman is UNBELEIVABLE!".

DCI Makosi: " Oh Kemal baby doll come and give me a hug".

Officer Kemal: " Oh I missed you." Mwah, Mwah.

DCI Makosi: adopting a Jane Tennyson stance
" So who is the PRIME SUSPECT for the kidnapping?"

Officer Kemal: "Where you been ?...erm Craig hello!"

DCI Makosi: " ermm I think Craig may be sexually atttracted to AnTHony".

Officer Kemal: " Jesus wept".

Robson: " DCI Makosi my lovely, we need you for a secret mission.".

Officer Kemal: "Noooooooooooo!. She always gets the secret missions, it's not fair, it's not fair..see....see. she's a mole... A MOLE."

PC Jenkins slaps Kemal.

Officer Kemal: "What did you do that for baby doll Sir, although I must admit I did find it strangely pleasurable." (To himself errmmm I wonder if there are any skips round here?)

PC Jenkins: ( to himself) errmm I found that rather enjoyable meself!

Robson: " My darling DCI Makosi, the mission is to draw out the Cromer Crimper...we know that you've got ermm..history with the 70s disco dancer and Craig's jealousy may just be his undoing. Now we've got a few leads, most notably John from Blackpool, he hired a US bounty hunter, a woman I believe, and she's closing on, so we need to get to Craig before she does".

PC Jenkins: " But how are you going to tease him out DCI Makosi. What could make Craig So jealous that he would break his cover?".

DCI Makosi: "Easy...you see two and a half months ago"...starts to cry but mysteriously there are no tears.."Makosi gets distressed just thinking about it... there was an incident...poolgate..." sob, sob, still no tears..." it makes Makosi sad..but Maksoi does have a souvenir from her night of watery passion with AnTHony...Serjeant Kinga".

Serjeant Kinga enters the tiny shed, gently cradling a small bundle, wrapped in a delicate blue fleece blanket, in her arms...

Serjeant Kinga: " Yes Ma'am I'm here....ohhhhh Nana Hutton are those your cucumbers ( says the busty blond standby, eyeing the vegetable patch) There MASSIVE!".

DCI Makosi: " I call him Ant'kosi...he's our son!!".

THUD! Nana Hutton hits the decking.

[Mrluvaluva]

EPISODE 9 " THE GREAT ESCAPE"

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE CONSETT LEISURE CENTRE, ANT'KNEE IS STILL BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY THE CROMER COOKOO CRAIG. HAVING DRANK ALL THE ALCOHOL IN THE LEISURE CENTRE ( Conveniently left over from a leaving party for former Leisure centre lifeguard Eugene, who left to pursue a career in the media) ANT'KNEE IS SLEEPING OFF LAST NIGHT'S EXCESSES, WHILST SASKIA 'N MAXWELL,NEWLY RELEASED FROM THE UNDERWORLD DUE TO MARY'S SUPERNATURAL SLIP-UP, ARE PLANNING THE REFORMATION OF TEAM SMUG.......


Maxwell: " Faaaak abaaaat Sask, that was a blindin' night..it was off ...the...hook":.

Saskia: " Yeah one million percent".

Maxwell: " Yeah but we shouldn't have really got so drunk should we, apples and pears, strike a light, we've wasted time and should have got out of this place last night; faaackin' Dark Deceiver could turn up any minute".

Saskia: " Yeah and then it really would be game on!".

Maxwell: " Naaa we didn't faaackin' fink it thru did we; ....pearly king and queen, roll out the barrel.... but ya know wat we're like when there a few cans of cheap cider going beggin'. By the way Sask, have ya 'idden a few cans in ya bag for later ?"

Saskia: " HAHAHAHAH yeah too right!".

Maxwell: " Look we've all gotta get going now".

Saskia: beads of sweat appear on her brow... looks anxious.
" But are ya sure Max, it's only 7.45pm, is that safe?"

Maxwell: " Look we've just gotta take our faaaackin' chances..... chas 'n dave, only fools 'n 'orses.... anyways it'll be dark soon enough..... give us a swig from ya hip flask Sask, mine's running low.....just look at that faaackin' mincer".

Crazy Craig is sat motionless at the bottom of Ant'knee's lilo where he's been all night, staring, just staring at the 70s disco dancer. There's a look of wild obsession in his eyes, his lips are pursed, his sweaty chubby little fingers hoovering expectantly over Ant'knee's body; in anticipation that they may once again be employed to administer a massage. Ant'knee, the worse for wear has been sick and Craig , determined to impress with his bedside manner has sat keeping watch of his charge....

Cromer Craig: "Oh Max, Sask, didn't notice you there, look at Anfffonkneeee, doesn't he look beautiful when he's asleep?".

Maxwell: "Look Craigie boy we 'ave really gotta be going. Where did you hide Nana Hutton's biege Vauxhall Astra.?"

Craig: " OHH I didn't hide it I just left in the visitor's car park".

Maxwell: " You faaackin' muppet. We'll 'ave to nick another one; I'll tell ya wat to do...gawd blimey guv'nor, would ya adam and eve it. But before we set off make us breakfast mate and some toast for Sask."

Craig: " Ohhh anything for you Maxwell I worship the ground you walk on...that monster Science tried to take your place, he tried to come between me and Anfffonkneeee, but he never will be the man that you are Maxwell...."

Maxwell: " Whatever, anyway we need disguises as well, there's some fancy dress gear out in the back, leftover from the leaving do of some bloke called Eugene,wat kind of faaackin' geeky name is that for a fella eh? anyway get the clothes and stuff as well whilst you're making breakfast".

The Cromer Crimper waddles off to prepare a slap -up meal of mince,rice and flatbread for his chums and returns presently with the food and fancy dress. As the three tuck into their hearty meal, Max and Sak don rainmacs, wigs and huge sunglasses. Craig opts for a blond bob and dark trenchcoat; and takes up residence once again at the bottom of Ant'knee's lilo. The diminutive Geordie stirs and opens his eyes......

Ant'knee: " Fookin' ell man, like, yas gives me a fright there like, I thought yas wor fookin' Myra Hindley like!!!! ".

Cromer Craig: " Ohhhhhh Anfffonkneeee did you think I was a girl did you, really? did you? .OHHH Anfffonkneee if I was a girl..and I'm just saying it hypothetically..."

Ant'knee: " Oh don't say it man, like, why yas says them things like".

Craig: Beginning to well up ".....no no but just for instant say I was a girl, would I be the kind of girlfriend you would want?. Would you want to go out with me? would you Anfffonkneeee? Would you want to marry me Anfffonkneeee? Would you want to spend the rest of your life with me and never even look or talk to anyone else, because you know I have your best interests at heart Anffonkneeeeee?"

Ant'knee: " In a word Craig....NO! fook off man like".

Craig: blubbing uncontrollably " Anffonkneee I just can't believe you, why do you always do this to me....what have I done wrong??...tell me....is it a crime to care for you ? Is it a crime to want to protect you ? Is it a crime
( puts hands to his mouth) TO....LOVE.....YOU?!!"

Ant'knee: " Well it's a fookin' crime to kidnaps us like and keeps us hostage like and nick me Nana's biege Vauxhall Astra like...oh me pooohooor Nana, she must be worried sick like".


If only Ant'knee knew that Nann Hutton was presently prostrate on the decking of her small but well maintained garden in Consett Co.Durham.


Ant'knee: " Look I'm gaaning to use the sunbed for a bit, I need a top up like".

Craig: " Ohhhh ANfffonkneee do you want me to apply some cream to you back?, or your face?, or your neck?, feet?, arms?, shoulders?, knees?, toes?, groin????"

Antt'knee : " NO!!!".

Ant'knee gets up and walks over to the sunbed, passing Max 'n Sask still enjoying their mince and rice. Ermmmm he wonders to himself, that's a bit strange, how come Max and Sask are made up of anti-matter and extoplasm like, so couldn't hug Craig...in a manly way, but can eat and drink solids?....the thought crosses his mind fleetingly then leaves....oh God I'm not use to this like...THINKING FOR MESELF!!!!

Maxwell: " Craig are you sure that Ant's going to come ?"

Craig: " Oh he'll come alright!!!'

Cromer Craig smiled slyly to himself and went to prepare a hot drink for Ant'knee, he reaches for the back pocket of his saggy jeans and produces a small bottle of liquid.He pours half of it into the teacup; he needs to save some for later....it's rohypnol!!!

Craig: " Anfffonkneeee, Anfffonkneee I've made you a drink".

Ant'knee takes the cup and downs it in one.

Maxwell: "Right come on then no time to lose...jogon my friends..jogon".

With that Craig dashes out of the Leisure Centre, to the visitors's car park. There is Nana Hutton's Vauxhall Astra. Next to it a Renault Clio, with instructions given to him from Maxwell on how to break into cars, he opens it like a pro. Hot wiring the vehicle he drives round to the entrance. There waiting is a woozy Ant'knee flanked by Max 'n Sask; bizarrely dressed with the huge sunglasses and towels covering their faces. The three run to the car, Ant'knee supported by Max 'n Sask and jump in. With Cromer Craig at the wheel they speed off!!!!!


An hour later the Clio has reached the motorway....

Craig: " Ohhhhh I'm not use to driving so how do I get to London?".

Maxwell : From under his towel " Ermmm I think you take...that exit....then it's straight on to the big smoke...sorted".

Unfortunately Maxwell couldn't see what he was looking at. The Clio is not heading to London but on course to reach......Liverpool!



MEANWHILE IN A SIDE STREET BY THE ALBERT DOCKS IN LIVERPOOL A BLACK MERC IS PARKED. THE WINDOWS BLACKENED. SLOWLY THE DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW COMES DOWN AND A PUFF OF SMOKE WAFTS OUT OF THE CAR; INTO THE BALMY SUMMER NIGHT'S AIR. THE WINDOW GOES UP AGAIN. THE CROWDS THAT BUSTLE PASS DON'T SEEM TO NOTICE THE VEHICLE. THE DOOR OPENS AND A FOOT APPEARS, SHOD IN GOLD SLINGBACKS.......THE STYLE IS FADED GLAMOUR FROM A BY GONE AGE....THEN THE REST OF THE FIGURE APPEARS.....CLAD IN AN ANCIENT MINK COAT, LOTS OF GAWDY GOLD JEWELLERY AND A SHOCK OF DYED RED HAIR......THE FIGURE WALKS SLOWLY, BUT CONFIDENTLY......A GUST OF SEA BREEZE FROM THE MERSEY MOMENTARILY BLOWS OPEN HER COAT , REVEALING A GLEAMING COLT 45 GUN ON HER HIP....HASTILY SHE PULLS HER COAT TIGHT AGAINST HER PLUMP BODY. SHE LOOKS AROUND...PURPOSEFULLY AND THEN SPIES HER DESTINATION " MOTHERFUNKY'S ITALIAN RESTAURANT".....SHE ENTERS:


Giancarlo: Maitre D looks up and sees the guest. : " Oh sorry madam...you startled me...your face...are you alright?".

Mysterious Woman: " Don't be rude ya young punk!"

The voice is distinctive but slurred, a slow New York drawl.

Giancarlo: " I'm sorry I wasn't being impertinent; it's just you look familiar".

Mysterious Woman: " Look son, I'm not here for the conversation honey, I just want answers...capice!!!"

Giancarlo: " Sure Madam sure"

.....The young man was beginning to worry.

Mysterious Woman: " I'm here on business...dirty business...I'm looking for someone....a man....well a boy...a disturbed boy....goes by the name of The Cwomer Cwimper".

Giancarlo: " The what!!!?"

Mysterious Woman: " The Cwomer Cwimper, Cwaig Coates".

Giancarlo: " Sorry madam I'm having trouble understanding you...do you have a lisp of some kind?.....and your lips have you have an accident?"

Mysterious Woman: " Listen bozo, ya messin' with the wrong lady let me tell you. When my son finds out how I've been treated in this God damn country...he's gonna be mad as hell. I want the name of the jerk who runs this joint".

With that she eased back her mink coat revealing the Colt 45.

Giancarlo: " Oh my God I'm so, so sorry, do forgive me. Oh and my boss he's Roberto."

Mysterious Woman: seeing the fear in the young man's eyes..."Look honey I ain't gonna do no hit on the joint or nuthin', I just need information. I'm a Bounty Hunter, hired by some guy called John from Balckpool. I'm looking for some crazy kid....hey I got a photo".

The Mysterious woman pulls a photo of Craig from her battered gucci bag.

Giancarlo: "Oh THAT lunatic, The Cromer Crimper..it's been all over the news. I was reading a really interesting piece about it in the Croydon Chronicle today...anyway no I've not seen him, but if you want I can put some posters up and the like. I'll have to ask Roberto first."

Mysterious Woman: " It's o.k, don't bother...I have a hunch I'll be seeing him soon, real soon".


With that she turned on her Gold slingbacks and began to walk out of "Motherfunkys"


Giancarlo: " I've got it..I know where I've seen you before.....OH MY GOD....It's Jackie Stallone!!!".

The elderly Bounty Hunter turned on her heels and looked Giancarlo full in the face...

"Yeah!...it's Brackie!"

[Mrluvaluva]

EPISODE 10 - " Born to be a Dancer".

Meanwhile having meandered along various A roads but now on the M62 just North of St Helens , with Craig at the wheel, the Renault Clio carrying Max 'n Sask and a now extremely woozy Ant'knee is still on course to reach Liverpool, unbeknown to the passengers.

Maxwell: " Ahhh Craigie boy this is off...the...faaackin'....'ook!!!; we'll be in Islington soon in me mum's front room, on her yella sofa, drinking cider, talkin' about me expliots in Faliraki and yous lot all p*ssing ya selves at me 'ilarious tales of lager drinking and birds ( sorry Sask, ya know I've only got eyes for you now babe)..result!! ( sticks tongue out).

Sask: " one milllion percent".

Craig: " Ohhh and then me and Antffoknee can stay up ALL night and I can give you massages and rubs and touch you..can I touch you Afffonkneeee ?, can I?

Ant'knee: slumped in the passenger seat next to Craig;

" huuuuh? Ohhh me head, me head, I feels sick like."
The rohypnol was really beginning to take effect.

The diminutive Geordie 70s disco dancer could scare keeps his puppy dog eyes open. The whole car was spinning, from the corner of one of the aforementioned puppy dog eyes, he could just about make out Max and Sask under their towels. Protruding from one corner was Max's bare ar$e and the whole unpleasant scence was accompanied by the jingle jangle of Saskia's braclets...

Ant'knee: " Oh fookin' 'ell man like I really need to puke now like"

He opened the car window ready to hurl; unfortunately too late, and turning to face Craig, Ant'knee vomited all over the Cromer Crimper's trenchcoat.....

Craig: " Ewwwwww!!!! that's disgusting....STOP IT!!! I hate that" screams The Crimper....."oh but then again it is from YOU Anffonknee", and I don't mind, not one little bit, in fact I love it, just love it ( puts hands to his mouth)
" BEING....SLASHED.....WITH....YOUR ...BODILY...FLUIDS...."

Maxwell: " Faaaak abaaat Craig you muppet, look where ya goin' and put ya 'ands on the faaaaccckin' wheel".

Craig had verred into the opposite carriageway and narrowly missed a mini bus of female students from Oxford Brookes University, making its way to Leeds:

"****** off you road bully and watch where you're going" shouted the bikini clad driver as the two vehicles nearly collided.

Craig: " Ermmm Maxwell is Warrington near London?"

Maxwell : "course it ain't you muppet".

Craig: " Ohhh I think we'll be arriving in Liverpoll soon then!!!

Within the hour the Clio had entered Liverpool, parking up by the Albert Docks for a well needed rest.......

The black Merc, containing Brackie, the ageing Bounty Hunter was parked unobtrusively nearby. Slowly the gleaming black glass of the driver's window came down. Brackie positioned a mink clad elbow on the edge of the open window. She placed the tip of an antique cigarette holder between her voluminous lips and took a long, hard drag on the menthol cigarette. Then blew out perfect rings of minty smoke.

Brackie: " So that's Cwomer Cwaig".....she said to herself as Max n Sask and Craig alighted from the vehicle to stretch their legs." Shame this ain't gonna be no pleasant introduction.... ya pot-bellied punk!" She took another long drag of her cigarette.

Ant'knee remained in the car. Suddenly he spied Craig's mobile phone lying on the (slighty damp!) driver's seat. His mind was buzzing but quickly he picked it up, and started to dial Nana Hutton's number......damn he kept getting the numbers confused , if only he could remember...then....it was ringing.....

Ant'knee: " Hellllll" the words just wouldn't come to him,
"ooo.... is...that...you...Nan....a...."

At the other end a frantic officer Kemal was shouting:

Officer Kemal: " Ant'knee? ANT'KNEE is that you? Oh my God baby doll where are you?, you WOULD NOT BELEIVE what madness has been going on here...oh but sorry are you alright, where the hell are you?.....Ant'knee ? Ant'knee?"

The line had gone dead....

Back in the Clio, Ant'knee was distraught...the batteries on the mobile had gone...his one chance to get help..blown...he slumped back in his seat and looked in the rear view mirror and could see Craig......talking to himself?? Turning round, he saw Craig......talking to Max 'n Saskia!!! He looked in the rear view mirror again.....only Craig......looked behind..... all three were there chatting animatedly. WFT was going on ? Was he losing his mind, like. None of this makes sense he thought. Max and Sask saying they were made up of anti-matter and extoplasm, yet eating and drinking solids foods, telling Craig they couldn't cuddle him cos his hands would go right through them, yet getting jiggy on the back seat of the Clio and now no reflections!!!!!! Ant'knee's head felt like it was going to explode.......


Meanwhile back at Nana Hutton's small but pleasant garden, with it's vegetable patch, herbaceaous borders and charming water feature.....several hours had elasped and the old woman was still in a catatonic state. Paramedics were on site, but nothing could revive her.

Outside the unassuming terrace house, Davina was gearing up for the Friday night eviction. The crowd were primed with the now familiar chant : " Orlaith, Orlaith, Orlaith..OUT! OUT! OUT!". Oranges, apples, pears, lychess, kumquats , fruits of all variety were being hurled with impunity:.

Davina : " The voting is very close tonight folks...who do you think is the least liked HM".

BB Mob: " BOOOOOOO! Orlaith!!!!!BOOOOO!!!!!

Davina: " YOU decide"

......if of course you ignore the bias editing,flagrant favouritism and blatant manipulation.....back in the garden, Rookie cop, Officer Kemal comes running into the garden shrieking hysterically..

Officer Kemal: " NANA HUTTON, NANA HUTTON...I just spoken to Ant'knee on the phone...the words seemed to revive her.....and slowly she raised her head from the decking...

Nana Hutton: " Yas says yas spoken to wor Ant'knee like...where is he pet?".

Officer Kemal: " Well the line went dead and... "

Nana Hutton: " Ohh NOOO!!!! I cannit tak much moohooor of this pet, I'm even starting to hallucinate and that like....I mean I thought some lass with an unkempt afro and tight shirt said she was the mother of wor Ant'knee's love child like...Ant'kosi".

DCI Makosi: " Oh no that was no dream, Makosi does not lie, Nana or should I say great Nana Hutton, Makosi and Ant'knee are the proud parents of Ant'kosi , or to give him his full name Ant'kosi Mak'nee Musambasi-Hutton!".

THUD!!! Nana Hutton hits the decking again!!!

Offier Kemal: " Just one second lady...a baby...so soon...a two month gestation period.....oh purleeeessse!

A decidedly shifty DCI Makosi desperately tries to deflect Kemal's remark.

DCI Makosi : " Of course he's our baby, look at him, look at his little legs, he was born to be a dancer".

The infant was indeed a cutie, if rather heursuite for a baby....but the big eyes and bushy eyebrows did give him more than a passing resemblance to the 70s disco dancer.....and as DCI Makosi began to hum The Fat Back Band's dance floor classic " Opps Upside Ya Head"..the tot began to jiggle rhythmically in Serjeant Kinga's arms, and clearly made a hand gesture that could only be described as the "cool down"!!!!

Robson: " Breaking news.....The Bounty Hunter has been spotted in Liverpool and my guess is she's closing in on Craig....right we're off there now....we'll have to leave Nana Hutton with the paramedics. DCI Makosi I'll brief you on the secret mission en route".

Officer Kemal:

Robson :Oh and by the way, DCI from now on you're known as agent Maloko".

Jenkins: "What about the Dark Deceiver isn't he meant to be the negotiator??...Craig could turn nasty".

Robson: " He was last seen in the sauna's at the Consett Y.M.C.A in the company of three disco dancers. He'll be in no fit state to be of any use to us now !!! But just in case we need to call on his dark arts...Serjeant Kinga would you mind staying behind and tracking him down".

Kinga: " My pleasure Sir".

As the officers sped off, Liverpool bound, Kinga was already making plans....not to go to the Consett Y.M.C.A....no... She had alternative arrangements.......a rendez vous .....in Leeds!!!

[Mrluvaluva]

Episode 11 " Lite Bites, Alley Fights, Craig's Frights and Ant'knee's Right!!!"

(Parental Guidance advised.....this episode contains scenes of a very disturbing nature ( Craig in full on stalk mode) and some horror!!!!!)


MEANWHILE AT THE LIVERPOOL DOCK ANT'KNEE IS NOW EXHIBITING ALL THE TELL TALE SIGNS OF A RIGHT OLD DRUNK ( the poor lad has of course been drugged!!!) PRACTICALLY FALLING OUT OF THE RENAULT CLIO, HE IS LITERALLY CAUGHT BY CRAIG, WHO DECIDES THAT IT IS HIS JOB, AND HIS ALONE TO CARE FOR HIS FRIEND.........

Crazed Craig: " Comeone Anffffonkneeee that's it, just put your arms around me, tighter, tighter!, tighter!!!!...as tight as you like" Craig pulls the barely conscious Ant'knee close to him and kisses his cheek, as Craig pulls back his sweaty, spotty face he whispers in the almost comatose Ant'knee's ear
" I...love...you". Craig's face beams with orgasmic delight as he cops a feel of the disco dancer's behind as Ant'kee continues to stumble.." that's it Anffonkneee just lean on me ahhhhhh" he sighs, stroking Ant'knee's stomach as he carries him.

Ant'knee: " Ohh I feel ( projectile vomiting onto Craig) sick!!!".

Craig: wiping the latest load of Ant'knee's vom from his eyes, "You my boy, need to be stripped, showered and cleaned".

Taking Ant'knee to a nearby gents toilet, Craig undresses him down to his tight yellow pants.


MEANWHILE Max 'n Sask, have spied " Motherfunkys Italian Restaurant" ; which is owned by Roberto.They look at the menu in the glass frame by the door.

Maxwell: "He's done bleedin' well for himself?" says the Mockney through gritted teeth. Maxwell begins to read the menu:" Bit faaaackin' pricey for a bit a pasta an' that ain't it. Wat the faaaack is gnocchi, when he's at home ? And sun blushed tomatoes ? Polenta ? Pasta e fagioli Ł 8.75? Mozzarella in carrozza Ł9.50? Linguine with garlic, herbs and pancetta
Ł 10.95!!!!??? They're 'avin' a bleedin' laugh ain't they".

Saskia: " Ohhh it sound quite reasonable to me Max".

Maxwell turned round stunned. Not at what she'd said , but because she said something other than one million percent, endof, dog eat dog or game on!!!!.

Maxwell: "Ermm they do 'Lite Bites'; now THAT sounds off the faaaackin' 'ook Sask!" ( sticks tongue out).

Sask: " Yeah one million percent"

They laugh manically and go inside....

Giancarlo Maitre " Good evening Sir and the lovely Signora, how can I help you?".

Maxwell: " You looking at me faaackin' bird are ya? are ya?."

Maxwell puffs out his chest and with arms wide apart glares at the bemused young Maitre D.

Giancarlo: " Sir I'm just making pleasant conversation and complimenting the lady".

Maxwell: " Look I comes in 'ere to give ya a bit a custom, and try some of ya 'Litebites' and ya start putting ya moves on me bird. Who d'ya faaackin' fink ya are wiv ya 'mama mia' pasta talk...jog on Luigi...jog on".

Giancarlo: Showing remarkable restraint : " Actually my name is Giancarlo Sir and I come from Birkenhead" said the patient young Maitre D in his thick scouse accent. Fearing that trouble may ensue, he motions to one of the waitresses to fetch the owner Roberto.


Wearing a beautifully cut, stylist yet casual Armani Suit, Paul Smith tie, polished black shoes, hand made by an old cobbler in Tuscany using traditional methods, hair carefully coiffed , but not overstyled, Roberto enters the body of the restaurant; still carrying his evening meal...a lovely bowl of pasta in a garlic, tomato and mushroom sauce, with a hint of oregano , topped with shavings of parmesan......


Maxwell: " Faaaact abaaaat! faaaack abaaaat It's Roberto".

Roberto: " Maxwell, it'ssssa err loverley to see you like, but calm down, calm down soft lad laaa".

Maxwell: " It's just your faaaackin' staff mate, giving it the ol' mama mia chat to me bird".

Saskia: " Leave it Max. 'e ain't worth it".

Roberto: adopting soothing tone:
" Looka Maxwell you're a young lad like, you gotta a lot to learn about life and there's a like a no need to be so rude, to my staff, what'sa you problem with Italians, or you just don't like foreigners eh? eh?!! Giancarlo's a good lad, very bright, so chill and stop being such a soft lad laaa".

Maxwell: " Speaka the Queen's bleedin' English mate".

Roberto: " And YOU do?!!!! Oh My God!!"

......Roberto starts to sing Kaiser Chiefs...." Everyday I love you less and less".......

Maxwell:" Look I'm faaackin' hungry and we want a faaackin' table now".

With that Maxwell snatches a plate of chorizo and other cold meats from the hand of a passing waitress.

Roberto: " What ya doin' laaaa, OK ya hungry are you?, you wanna some food I give- a you some food".

To the astonishment of other customers, Roberto pours his bowl of pasta over Maxwell's head.

Giancarlo starts to laugh and Maxwell shots him an angry look.

Roberto: " Giancarlo escort these people off the premises.....They're barred!!!!".

Maxwell: " Geet your 'ands off me you muppet" shouts Max as he and Sask are frog marched out of the restaurant

Still fuming with rage Maxwell plots his revenge.


MEANWHILE BACK AT THE GENTS LAV.....

Ant'knee: " Oh no I think I gaana be sick again like. I want me mam. I want me Nana".

Craig: " Let me get you to the toilet... ermmmmm" says The Cromer Crimper; licking his lips and generally being lacivious as he repeatedly strokes Ant'knee's naked back ; in the most unmanly/unmate-like fashion possible.

Creepy Craig: " That's it Anfffonkneee" he hisses," you don't need anyone else when you've got me do you, my love ? There..... there".

Ant'knee is bent over the toilet in a cublicle .

Craig: " Ermmmm, ahhhh, ohhhh, yes, yesss, yesssss!!" exclaims Craig as he pushes himself......... into the cubicle as well; and presses himself up close, real close, yes very very close to Ant'knee butt cheeks!!!!

Craig:" That's it Afffonkneee.....ermmmm just take your time my precious, slowly, slowly, ermmmm" says Craig as once again he strokes/fondles/squeezes/pinches/touches various parts of Ant'knee atantomy!!!.." Now let's get you cleaned up shall we?".

Craig takes Ant'knee from behind........and bundles him out of the cubicle. Turning on the taps at the sink Craig slashes Ant'knee........with water until he's soaked through. As the automatic dryer is broken Craig kneels down in front of Ant'knee and blows....... his sweaty breath over the 70s disco dancer's body to dry him. Then Craig, now erect.......on his feet again, slowly and quite frankly scarily rubs the rest of Ant'knee dry with his blonde Myra Hindley wig.

Craig: " Now don't you feel better my precious," he wheezes in his thin, high pitched, weak voice " Everything going to be alright" as he hugs Ant'knee so closely the lad begins to go a distinct shade of blue.

Ant'knee: " Just leaves us alone like"

With the little strength he has left, he manages to push Craig away and stumble outside. As passerby sees his distressed state and offers assistance. Enraged Craig turns on the good samaritan.

Craig: " Who the hell are you....****** off WE don't need you LEAVE ANT"KNEE ALONE. I look after Ant'knee!!!!" "

Ant'knee desperate to get away from the madman's clutches lurches towards a telephone box and gets in; but before the door can close Craig is upon him.

Craig: "Why you going in there alone, I'm coming in with you".

Ant'knee: " But it's not like I'm gaana make a call like, I cannit, I have no money like. I just wanna be on us own...leave us".

A struggle ensues.

Craig: " But I can't leave you, even if you stab me I would still look after you. How can you do this to me..I ...LOVE...YOU!...."

Brackie has been observing the unfolding nighmare from her Merc.

Brackie: "WOW!!!!. This Cwomer Cwimper is worst than I thought. John in Blackpool's gonna have to pay me double when I bring this one in!". But she also fells pangs of compassion for Ant'knee who kinda reminds her of her grandson..." Poor kid" she thought, "I better get this over and done with pronto"; as she fingers the gleaming Colt 45 on her hip and starts to get out of the Merc.....


Outside '"Motherfunkys"; Maxwell is still mad as hell; when he sees Giancarlo leave the back of the resturant and standing in a quiet alley. He must be on his break, as the young Maitre D lights up a cigarette. Max 'n Sask go towards the alley.

Giancarlo: " Oh for God sake, what's up wiv ya soft lad. Leave us".

Maxwell: " You started it mate, come on then, come on"

Max stands there arms outstretched. A relunctant Giancarlo, puts out his cigarette and makes a move to leave, but is blocked by Saskia.

Saskia: " Where ya fink you're going. It's game on mate...watch me na!"

With that the fight ensues. Giancarlo picks up a bin in the alley ( in self defence!!!!!) due to the earlier evening's rain, it "slips" out of his hands and narrowly misses Maxwell's head. Enraged, Max and Sask swoop upon him.


Several minutes pass. Then Max and Sask get up, wiping their blood stained........MOUTHS AND FANGS!!!!!!!

Giancarlo lays motionless, but alive, barely alive in the alley.

Maxwell: " Now THAT is what I call a Lite Bite, ermm I feel refreshed now. Sask have ya filled up our flasks with 'is blood babe".

Saskia: " Yeah one million percent, this should last us a day or so before we need to blood suck again".

Maxwell: " Yes babe, one of the draw backs of being a Vampire I suppose. That Dark Deceiver, wait till I see faaacckin' Del Boy. When he said he'd make us immortal 'e never said nuffink 'bout..... endlessly roaming the planet in torment......hunting down new innocent victims....... feeding on their blood....draining the very essence of their existence to sustain our own life source...... forever doomed to walk amongst the living, yet consorting with the faaackin' dead!!!!".

Saskia: " Naaah I don't remember nuffink like that Max. I just thought it'd be a right larf to live forever and that....end of!!!"

Maxwell: "But I suppose at least we've got Craig and Ant on tap...so result.... we're quids in." ( sticks out blood stained tongue) Craig alone should last us a week, must be loads a blood in that flabby man- boobed body".

They laugh manically, and run back to the Clio.....

[Mrluvaluva]

That's enough for now. Let me know if you want to hear more...............

[Sunny_01]

lol - I love it

I particularly liked seeing "at Consett police station" I live about 2 mins from there and have been a visitor myself on more than one occasion

[Mrluvaluva]

I will post some more for you Sunny when I get a mo.

[Sunny_01]

Originally posted by MrLuvaLuva
I will post some more for you Sunny when I get a mo.

Cheers me dear