[\PJ/]

It was Tuesday night Mrs mayne (Edna) who was a quiet old lady and without fail would always smell of Murry mints her motto was a smile a day keeps all evil away anyway Edna had just finished her Second Set of fairy cakes for the winter bizarre See looked at the clock and it was 5:00 the time Edna walked her dog Milo,so she put on her black tweed coat and went with Milo out the door.Edna usually took Milo down ALOE Rd but the wind had picked up so she didn't bother.By now the wind was really bad and Edna and Milo were still quite away from home all of a sudden the sky went jet black and the wind was hurling around Edna and Milo then a lighting bolt crashed out the sky and turned a car over Edna started to run but then....it happened Edna was struck by lighting and it whipped her body then threw her to the ground the lighting was running threw her veins the lighting pounded her brain,her body shook and glowed blue.It was around 1:00 at night and Edna was still lying on the ground with Milo running round her barking
"HA HA HAAAAAA"
Edna screamed then she roSee from the ground and span endlessly there was a crackling sound she stopped spinning lowered down and got to her feet BUT! Edna's black tweed coat had turned into a white fur coat and her shoes had changed to black leather boots with a white E on them her hair was mad and frizzy and it was half white and half black also a black widow diamond ring on her finger and what topped it off a large white E round her neck,Edna looked EVIL.With the dog still running round barking she picked it up threw her leg back and kicked into the distance and roared
"vile creature"
and walked sharply backed to her house which was the only thing left of the real Edna.She threw her front door open and started to look for something throwing and smashing things and opening droors
"AHA"
and she sat down with which looked like a leather bound book grabbed a pen off the table opened the book and started putting crosSees by the names(it was Edna's contact book)See was madly crossing for about 1 minute then stopped and screamed "all the people with crosSees by there names i shall" TO BE CONTINUED.............

[Sam!]

Are we allowed to correct mate? Will give my opinion in a minute

[Sam!]

I like it, its interesting in oringinal but you really need to work on your punctuation and sentence structure

"It was Tuesday night Mrs mayne (Edna) who was a quiet old lady and without fail would always smell of Murry mints her motto was a smile a day keeps all evil away anyway Edna had just finished her Seecond Seet of
fairy cakes for the winter bizarre Seee looked at the clock and it was 5:00 the time Edna walked her dog Milo,so she put on her black tweed coat and went with Milo out the door"

That is one sentence and it cant be, lol well too long.

Still was good

[Matt]

I found that very hard to read without proper punctuation.

[Sam!]

Originally posted by Matt
I found that very hard to read without proper punctuation.

Yeh thats what i said.

[\PJ/]

You know funky sam i thought that thanks.

[Sam!]

Okie Dokie, Still nice idea mate Id post my story but its coursework so i better not.

[\PJ/]

Im glad you are telling me this i have to hand this in on wed to the teacher so thanks guys.

[Sam!]

Is it coursework or sumins?

[Sam!]

It was Tuesday night Mrs mayne (Edna) who was a quiet old lady and without fail would always smell of Murry mints. Her motto was a smile a day keeps all evil away,anyway Edna had just finished her Second Set of fairy cakes for the winter bizarre. She looked at the clock and it was 5:00; the time Edna walked her dog Milo,so she put on her black tweed coat and went with Milo out the door.

Put some Punctuation in for ya

[Lauren]

It's really good, but if you're a writer you can accept constructive criticism.
At the moment it sounds like you're simply writing what goes through your head at the time, which isn't what a story should be - it should be well constructed.

The part imparticular was "Her motto was a smile a day keeps all evil away,anyway Edna had" It's as if you're saying "OKay, I'm rambling now, so I'll just say 'anyway' then cary on with the story".

Also, as it stands the first paragraph sounds as if you're simply listing her activities without adding any description to it, or any adjectives.
For example instead of saying:
"She looked at the clock and it was 5:00; the time Edna walked her dog Milo,so she put on her black tweed coat and went with Milo out the door."

You COULD say:

"She looked at the clock anticipatingly, noting that it was 5pm she roused from her chair, setting aside the cupcakes and calling for her dog Milo - it was time for the evening walk. Edna carefully adourned her black coat and made for the door quickly, preparing herself for the brisk cold that will face her".

Just some general constructive criticism but otherwise it's good, sounds interesting.

[Conor]

I think you should be more careful with your spelling, check it first to see if it makes sense ect.

[Sam!]

Originally posted by Lauren
It's really good, but if you're a writer you can accept constructive criticism.
At the moment it sounds like you're simply writing what goes through your head at the time, which isn't what a story should be - it should be well constructed.

The part imparticular was "Her motto was a smile a day keeps all evil away,anyway Edna had" It's as if you're saying "OKay, I'm rambling now, so I'll just say 'anyway' then cary on with the story".

Also, as it stands the first paragraph sounds as if you're simply listing her activities without adding any description to it, or any adjectives.
For example instead of saying:
"She looked at the clock and it was 5:00; the time Edna walked her dog Milo,so she put on her black tweed coat and went with Milo out the door."

You COULD say:

"She looked at the clock anticipatingly, noting that it was 5pm she roused from her chair, setting aside the cupcakes and calling for her dog Milo - it was time for the evening walk. Edna carefully adourned her black coat and made for the door quickly, preparing herself for the brisk cold that will face her".

Just some general constructive criticism but otherwise it's good, sounds interesting.

Bloody ell Lauren! What did you get for English in yoir GSCes!! A*!!

[Hugo]

I absoulely love creative writing. It's just the fact that anything can happen and you can let your min run wild. But careful planning brings great literature. "If you don't plan, plan for the worst". Love the idea of your story but need a lot more. You coukd wirte double that by just using more adjectives and adverbs.

[Bells]

It looks as if you did put thought into the story. With creative writing, it’s often about your idea more than anything; that’s what gives you the drive to write and be excited about writing. Part 1 of your story certainly doesn’t lack that, but writing/thinking out a plan beforehand would help. That way, whilst writing the story you shouldn’t feel the need to write as if you’re genuinely making it up on the spot as you’re going along with simply a conclusion/end in mind.

Even though when you write a story you don’t think of everything, it’s good to have a general overview so you can concentrate on spelling, punctuation and carefully structured sentences along the way. As an alternative, you could go back and do it (I personally find it easier to do it at the start), but either way, as long as it’s done.

Looking forward to reading the next bit and seeing how the story continues.