[Crimson Dynamo]

WASHINGTON—In an address to the nation in which he warned that preparations for the
coming holiday must begin at once, President Joe Biden on Friday urged Americans to
decide now what they were going to be for Halloween. “It is vital that we start making our
way to a Halloween store or browsing online retailers so that we have a plan in
place come Oct. 31,” said President Biden, noting that Americans would soon be faced
with parties, trick-or-treating, parades, and office Halloween observances in which they
would be embarrassed if they wore an unimaginative costume that was clearly thrown
together at the last minute. “There are many cultural touchstones from the past year that
can provide us with inspiration, whether one wishes to go as Anna Delvey, a Squid Game
competitor, or a recently deceased celebrity such as William Shatner or Coolio. Even if
your Halloween preferences run toward the more traditional, such as a sexy pirate, this is
a critical decision that cannot be made at the last minute, especially if you’re hoping to
do a couple’s costume. How many times must we as a nation learn to plan ahead so that
we’re not forced to grab some weird hat from our closet and have some ironic costume
that must be explained to every person we meet and is never funny?” Asked by reporters,
Biden stated that he had in fact decided to be a sexy pirate this year.

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