[Romantic Old Bird]

Highly Confidential

I am posting an early notification of a planned day trip to see Mr Paul Clarke in his natural habitat as an international car door designer.

After the resounding success of our last virtual outing, I suggest we draw on our experiences in Hadley Wood to iron out as many difficulties as possible before we set off.

On the plus side, we had an excellent team. The collie proved to be indispensable, not so much as a tracker dog, as by keeping Helen occupied whilst we ravished Mr Clarke. How she pampered and preened that lucky pup. Yep, we were ALL smiling on the way home that night!

Although Helen is unlikely to be at Paul's workplace, I think we must accept that he may have devoted colleagues willing to sacrifice their place in the queue for the photocopier just to protect him. Therefore, the collie comes!

Now, last time, the transport was OK, maybe a bit cramped, and if the numbers dictate, we will have to draw lots for places.

I, as trip organiser, am essential to the operation. Certain other key players will need to forward their fivers to me before the 29th to secure their place. Fair play! I know this may seem harsh, but remember that even if we hire a double decker, there are only so many of us that he can cope with. Although god-like in aspect, he is, after all, only human.

One thing we cannot afford to repeat is the shameful hair-pulling, spitting, screaming and fighting. It was not attractive, and really frightened the collie. Accordingly, I will be asking every person on the trip to promise to restrain me if it happens again. I am on medication, but just to be on the safe side.


I need to confirm the date, but Tuesday 9th April is favourite at present. (It seems fairly obvious that Helen's habitual absence from the Lorraine studio on Mondays confirms some synchronised canoodling in Hadley Wood on that day each week, and ROB returns to work the following day).

The following itinerary is only in it’s draft stage at the moment:

We may have to find a new driver, as ROB’s son is still in family therapy following our last excursion. There will be pick up points in the north-west, and in the west and east midlands as before. Those travelling from Scotland need to travel down on the 8th, and those from the Home Counties may wish to make their own way down. We will rendezvous in the car park of the egg packing factory next door by 8.30am. We will then be able to park up the Pop Idol bus inconspicuously. A pair of younger, eagle-eyed virtual trippers will hover outside the Design Company, and appear to be walking the dog.
Any sighting of the Audi Quattro TT in the works car park will be reported to me immediately.
We will keep in touch by SMS only.

IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT ALL OUR MOBILES ARE SET TO VIBRATE ONLY. We cannot afford to alarm our hosts by frenetic audible texting.

Peachy and I will then don our disguises as Svetlana Rolitova and Olga Volga; dignitaries from a government backed trade delegation from Minsk. . Mark, who, as a junior minister from the Department of Trade, will translate and mediate, will accompany us. Our arrival will not be unexpected, as I will already have set up a meeting with their ‘best young designers’ at 10 am. They will have received impressive papers, courtesy of LEE's Desk Top Publisher, purporting to be from Mr Blair himself, encouraging the company to co-operate fully with their friends from the former Soviet Union. Mr Blair’s letter to the managing director, will have enthusiastically extolled the virtue of forging such new alliances.

‘In this way, we can wipe away the final vestiges of distrust between east and west. We can move forward, hand in hand into this new millennium. Here we can sow the seeds of a wholly free marketplace, unfettered by doctrine and dogma, in a free world’

Our visit will be on behalf of an exciting new car manufacturer who is looking for innovative designs. I have intimated that we are looking for a major partnership with the company. Accordingly, the directors should be willing to accede to our slightest whim.

We must progress with great caution. I suggest that we ask to see their design team individually, and as soon as our quarry is sighted, we must tell the directors that we have found our man. We then request that he take us to a local hostelry for a working lunch. Should Paul show any signs of recognising Peachy and I from our previous trip, we will explain that this is because we were both members of the Gold medal-winning shot put team from the Barcelona Olympics. We will then, of course, offer to give him our autographs.

As soon as we leave the building we must entice him on to the bus, (which has of course been re-sprayed to avoid recognition) and drive sedately away. It is important that we return him to the company in good order well before rush hour, so that he can avoid the worst of the traffic on his journey home to Hadley Wood.

The details of how we deal with Mr Clarke in the intervening period are still to be finalised. We have a finite period of time and we must use it wisely. You will perhaps be relieved to learn that my close personal friend, Tommy Lee Jones, has to agreed come along to wipe all memory of the proceedings from Paul’s mind if he feels we go too far.

With luck, our mission should be complete by 16.00hrs. We can then make our way north in good time, and be home in time for a good night’s sleep.

I need not remind you that the success of this covert operation is entirely reliant on your continued discretion and absolute confidentiality.

Trust no-one.

Anyone interested in the trip should leave their names below, with full details of any special attributes or skills they possess.