[James]

Never doubt yourself

Narinder Kaur, resident of the Big Brother house, learnt how to resist racism

Racism first touched my life many distant memories ago and I buried it. Or so I thought. But every so often it re-emerges as a waft of rejection or a shudder of hatred and I am reminded that I do not belong.

It was on my way to school one day, walking to the bus-stop, that racism hit me quite literally. 'Narinder is a ****', someone had written. I wasn't shocked because I was called that every day, but was more embarrassed in front of my peers at the bus-stop. We couldn't look each other in the eye. The words were to be ignored, left there until the rain washed them off or the sun bleached the letters until they faded away slowly. Those words are imprinted on my broken heart forever.

I was the only Asian child at my school, something I hadn't actually noticed – but they obviously had. I was immediately put into the bottom set at school and spent the rest of my primary and secondary schooling proving that I was intelligent and deserved to be in the top set.

I was finally put in the top set and so gained the confidence to think like any other normal teenager of exams, homework and boys! I fancied Colin as soon as I saw him and made sure he knew it. I asked him out. He said he would have if I was white. I understood. Another boy told me that I'd be 'pretty' if I was white. I agreed.

I remember waking up for school in winter and my heart sinking when I saw the deep snow because I knew it meant running to escape the ice-balls the guys would have made for the girls as they entered the school gates. Just a fun fight between the boys and girls one probably thinks. But it was more than just that, much more. But if you were there to observe this snowball fight on that cold January morning at the school gate, with the sound of the school bell ringing in the background, as the snowballs went through the air and whacked on some girls' legs, you would see it was my legs they got. 'Get the ****!' someone shouted, and I ran for life. God bless my friend who thought of alternative ways of getting me into school.

You get: strawberries and cream; cheese and biscuits; Posh and Becks; and 4, snow and terror. But not necessarily in that order.

I cried, but one day I stopped. The day one racist threw hot chocolate all over me at the youth club and I walked home alone that night. I noted a few things in my head:

I was never going to be accepted and so instead of crying about it, I should do something positive about it.
Colin was never going to go out with me.
I should become proud of what I was.
I vowed that one day they would have to look at me and take notice.
As a result I set up the first anti-racist youth group in my area and gained the most amazing determination to do something with my life. So, on reflection, I can only thank my abusive peers.

But racism didn't end there. I hate to be so tragic but I doubt it will ever end. I know my children will have to deal with it, as will my grandchildren, and it makes me sad to think thousands of kids are at the receiving end of it today.

I would love to use what fame I have to do something about racism in schools but until then the only advice I can give is: 'Never doubt yourself and never accept racism.' Just by doing that you will in some way have changed the face of racism'.

http://www.channel4.com/life/microsi...nder_kaur.html