[Red Moon]

I'M A SLUG.. GET ME OUT OF'ERE

QUESTION: All those married men hugenosed Apprentice super-bore Kat ie Hopkins had affairs with... how did she get on with their guide dogs?

Meanwhile, there's still no word on the condition of the 20,000 cockroaches cruelly forced to spend 10 traumatic minutes with horrid Hopkins in a claustrophobic coffin.

Are they receiving counselling?

Let's face it - the beaky blonde with the Bugs Bunny teeth isn't much of a looker. She should consider plastic surgery.

But going under the knife can produce grotesque results.

Ask Janice Dickinson.

The world's first horror-mask model is what you get if you cross a human being (I use the term loosely) with a motivational DVD.

"I did my best," squawked Loony Tunes amid her non-stop succession of feeble failures. "I gave it my all... I tried to be a warrior..." So *******ing what? You were useless. "I'm more famous than the Pope," she screamed, with genuine conviction. "I've had my neck tightened."

Not nearly enough.

But, as ITV's rumble in the rain forest treads its familiar path, I'm warming to the barking-mad American and her vast collection of personality problems. When the absurd Christopher Biggins entered the fray to be immediately covered in bugs and slime (hooray!) dizzy Dickinson's crazy noncontribution was hysterically funny.

She's the undisputed star of the show. Unlike that chanting mass of insecurities Lynne "Superstar" Franks, who isn't even more famous than the Pope's cleaning lady.
Who the hell is this depressing old hippy man-hater?

At the end of another of her stupefying yingyang-yong sessions, Fatso wailed: "I love my body."

Personally, I prefer Gemma Atkinson's.

Back to the action... and John Burton Race. Respect!

As the Michelin starred chef coolly chewed his way through a revolting collection of jungle treats, horrified Janice's hilarious howls of disgust turned this year's grub-munching ordeal into a sublimely entertaining TV feast. When our culinary hero gnawed on a crocodile's c**k, Janice cried: "You're gay!"

I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here! has lost its novelty.

But, with ringmasters Ant and Dec on top form, this annual telly tradition is still firing on all cylinders. My predictions for week two: EastEnders hasbeen Marc Bannerman tires of pop queen Cerys Matthews and turns his attentions to ravishing Rodney Marsh.

That northern bloke "J" (erk) rejects sexy-butdull Gemma in favour of spiritual stunner Lynne.

And, in a desperate bid to stop Katie droning on about being an alpha-female, beta-female Anna Ryder Richardson punches her on that humongous hooter.
If none of this happens... I'll eat my locust!

Source: Sunday Mirror